That fake nose actually spoke!
And it used Snape's original voice!
"AHHH! Shut up!" Voldemort clawed frantically at his own face. "Quirrell! Get a knife! Cut this nose off! Cut my whole face off if you have to!"
Quirrell huddled in the corner, holding a rusty fruit knife, trembling like a leaf.
"M-Master, the nose has already grown into the flesh... I just checked, its nose hairs are connected to your upper lip..."
"WHAT?!"
Voldemort's vision went black, and he nearly fainted.
Just then, the Frog Grindelwald, who had been squatting in the gold toilet nearby, suddenly leaped out.
He landed precisely on Voldemort's shoulder, looked straight at Voldemort's twisted face, and let out a long, drawn-out:
"Ribbit—!"
Then, he extended his long tongue and wrapped it around one of Voldemort's ears.
"Let go! You warty toad!" Voldemort cursed.
But because of the fake nose's influence, the insult was automatically translated into:
"Let go! You warty... Gryffindor point-loser!"
Grindelwald seemed to understand. He triumphantly started disco dancing on Voldemort's shoulder and casually took a dump on Voldemort's expensive black trench coat.
Yes, a literal, physical dump.
"I'm going to kill you! I'm going to kill all of you!" Voldemort snapped. He raised his wand, pointing it at the Blast-Ended Skrewt. "Explode! Burn! Avada—"
"Expelliarmus!"
The fake nose stole the show again, forcibly hijacking Voldemort's vocal cords.
A red light flashed.
The wand flew out of Voldemort's hand and smacked Minister Fudge right in the head.
Fudge rolled his eyes back and passed out cold.
amidst this chaos...
Snape walked in. He was wearing black surgical scrubs, a mask, and carrying a pair of gigantic, gleaming hedge shears.
His eyes were as cold as if he were looking at a corpse.
"Make way," Snape said icily, using the shears to push aside the blocking Blast-Ended Skrewt.
Sensing the aura of the "God of Hair Tonic" on Snape, the Skrewt actually obediently moved aside and even sprayed a stream of confetti in a fawning manner.
Snape walked up to Voldemort.
Looking at his own fake nose on Voldemort's face, the corner of Snape's mouth twitched.
"Mr. Riddle," Snape's voice was terrifyingly calm. "It seems your aesthetic sense has finally normalized for once; you actually appreciate my nose. However..."
He raised the giant hedge shears and snapped them open and shut a couple of times. Click-clack.
"This is my patented product. Unauthorized use requires a royalty fee."
"W-what are you doing?" Voldemort looked at the shears capable of cutting through tree branches and backed away in terror. "Severus, let's talk this out! I can pay you! I can give you the Malfoy family vault!"
"I don't want a vault." Snape advanced step by step, a cold glint flashing on his glasses. "I just want my nose... back in one piece."
"But it's grown onto my face!"
"Then I'll cut your face off." Snape said it like he was discussing what to have for dinner. "Or, I'll pull it out by the roots. It might sting a little, like... the pain when cupping therapy breaks the skin."
"NOOO!!" Voldemort screamed. "Quirrell! Save me! Dumbledore! Save me!!"
No one saved him.
Young Dumbledore was standing at the door, holding Ivan's phone and livestreaming:
"Fam! Do you see this? This is 'Professor Snape · Nasal Surgery · Live Action'! Order Snape's Special Hair Tonic now and get a ticket to experience 'Surgery Performed by the Professor Himself'! Only one spot available!"
"Hold him!" Snape ordered.
The Blast-Ended Skrewt immediately extended its suckers and latched firmly onto Voldemort's legs.
Grindelwald (Frog Mode) jumped onto the top of Voldemort's head, using his weight to suppress his crown chakra.
Snape put on rubber gloves, held the gleaming hedge shears, and aimed at the base of the fake nose on Voldemort's face.
"Bear with it, Riddle," Snape said softly, his tone so gentle it was bone-chilling. "There might be a slight... tearing sensation."
SNAP—!!!
A crisp sound of flesh tearing echoed through the entire Ministry of Magic.
"AHHHHHHHHH—!!!"
Voldemort let out a wretched scream.
This time, his voice finally returned to its normal high pitch, because the fake nose was pulled out by the roots—taking two of his real nose hairs and a patch of skin with it.
Snape held the silicone fake nose, still dripping with blood, and examined it with satisfaction.
"Perfect," he said. "A bit of Riddle's snot on it, but it'll be fine after a wash."
Voldemort collapsed on the floor, face covered in blood, twitching while clutching his nose area.
But the detached fake nose in Snape's hand was still moving.
It struggled to turn its head, looked at the bloody Voldemort, and whispered with its last breath:
"Foolish Dark Lord... your pores... are huge..."
With that, the fake nose kicked its legs and completely died.
Snape sighed with some regret:
"Pity. That was a limited edition. Guess I'll have to make it a specimen."
Just then.
The Blast-Ended Skrewt, which had been watching the drama from the side, suddenly took an interest in the "bloody fake nose" in Snape's hand.
It thought it was some kind of premium "Hair Growth Snack."
Chomp!
The Skrewt snatched the fake nose from Snape's hand and swallowed it whole.
Snape: ???
Voldemort: ???
Everyone: ???
The Skrewt chewed twice, seemingly realizing the taste was off (all silicone and blood), but its core programming decided "waste is shameful."
So, it swallowed.
Three seconds later.
The Skrewt's body began to tremble violently.
Its white fur began to turn black at a visible speed.
Its body size began to expand, and two giant, bat-like fleshy wings sprouted from its back.
On top of its head grew a horn that looked exactly like the fake nose, but fleshy.
ROAR—!!!
The Skrewt let out a roar that shattered every window glass.
The sound was no longer a lizard's cry, but a terrifying sound effect mixing a dragon's roar and Snape's cold laugh.
> [System Alert: The Blast-Ended Skrewt devoured "Snape's Toxic Fake Nose" and mutated! Evolved into: Dark Magic · Snape-Dragon Skrewt!]
The new form of the Skrewt hovered in mid-air, looking down at everyone with eyes full of wisdom (and toxicity).
It looked at Fudge and spoke.
Using Snape's voice:
"Minister Fudge, if you don't get up and approve the budget right now, I'll feed your toupee to the Giant Squid."
Fudge, who was just waking up, heard this, rolled his eyes back, and fainted again.
Snape looked at this giant, winged Skrewt and took a deep breath.
"Ivan."
"Here, Professor!" Ivan leaned in with the phone.
"Cut the stream." Snape expressionlessly untied his surgical apron. "This lizard... belongs to me now. I'm taking it back to the dungeons to study how to peel its skin for gloves."
And Voldemort.
He touched his nose, missing a patch of skin and bleeding, looked at the majestic "Dark Magic · Snape-Dragon Skrewt," then looked at the Frog Grindelwald licking its wounds.
An unprecedented wave of grievance washed over him.
He burst into tears.
"I quit! Being the Dark Lord is too hard! I want to go back to the orphanage! I want my mom!"