Hogwarts Front Gates.
The once majestic stone lions had been replaced by two gigantic, gyrating inflatable Blast-Ended Skrewts.
The banner read: [Welcome to Hogwarts · Magic Disney · 996 Hustle Experience Park! Ticket Price: One Soul Mortgage Loan!]
At the ticket booth, Lucius Malfoy, dressed in a bright pink ticket-seller uniform, was waving tickets at a crowd of dumbstruck pure-blood family members.
"Step right up! Step right up! First one hundred visitors get a free 'Professor Snape Toxic Roast Voucher'! Plus a photo op with the 'Green-Skinned Yeti'! Only 998! Only 998!"
Meanwhile, in the core zone of the park, "Professor Snape's Royal Hair Removal Salon" had been upgraded to the "Pan-Wizarding Hair Management Center."
But right now, a crisis was erupting inside.
Snape looked at himself in the mirror and let out a despairing roar.
"AHHH—!!"
Because yesterday, while mixing the "Instant Hair Growth · Hair Removal Variant," he accidentally spilled the potion on his own head.
Overnight, his pride and joy—his greasy black hair—had completely abandoned him, leaving behind a scalp shiny enough to reflect light, like a hard-boiled egg.
"Professor..." Ivan shrank into the corner, holding a wig. "How about... you wear this for now? It's a spare I just stole from Voldemort..."
Snape stared dead at the "Dark Lord Exclusive · Haute Couture Silicone Fake Nose" (which came with an attached green forehead piece).
To prevent students from seeing him bald, he gritted his teeth, snatched the fake nose-forehead combo, and slammed it onto his face.
"Good." Snape adjusted it and gave a sinister smile to the mirror. "Now, I am New-Hulu Snape." (Note: This is a reference to a reborn/empowered character trope, similar to "Dark Phoenix Snape".)
However, what he didn't realize was...
Because the fake nose had been in long-term contact with Voldemort's soul fragments (and Quirrell's head oil), it had developed self-awareness.
Just as Snape prepared to go out for the ribbon-cutting ceremony.
The fake nose suddenly twitched.
Immediately after, as if it had a life of its own, it yanked Snape's face violently toward the window—where Young Dumbledore was standing.
"Hiss—"
The fake nose emitted a hiss similar to Voldemort's Parseltongue, and then dragged Snape's body uncontrollably toward Young Dumbledore.
"Severus?" Young Dumbledore, holding a cup of pumpkin juice, looked at the charging Snape in horror. "Your nose..."
"I can't control it!" Snape discovered to his horror that his mouth opened involuntarily, speaking in an extremely greasy tone: "Albus... your muscles... smell so good..."
Smooch.
The fake nose actually detached itself from Snape's face, flew through the air like a green slug, and planted a firm kiss on Young Dumbledore's cheek, leaving a puddle of green saliva.
Young Dumbledore: ???
Snape (covering his face): ???
"This is... this is a Dark Magic curse!" Snape screamed, trying to claw off the fake nose still wriggling on Young Dumbledore's face. "Get off! You shameless chunk of silicone!"
While the two were entangled...
Ivan's voice rang out over the park broadcast:
"Attention, visitors! The 'Fully Automated · Blast-Ended Skrewt · Roomba' is now beginning a park-wide cleaning! Please secure your wigs, dentures, and fake noses! The park is not responsible for any sucked-up items!"
A round, white-furred Blast-Ended Skrewt was seen rampaging down the main road at 60 miles per hour.
A ring of powerful vacuum rollers was installed under its belly. Wherever it passed, not a blade of grass remained.
"Help!!" Ron ran clutching his head. "It's sucking up my dandruff! That's my privacy!"
The Skrewt clearly still had leftover code from the "King of Dance Sweater."
As it vacuumed, it gyrated wildly, polishing the ground like a disco floor.
Worse, its target locking system malfunctioned—it mistook all shiny objects for "Galleons needing polishing."
Lucius tried to run, but the Skrewt locked onto the layer of fuzz that had just grown back on him.
"ROAR—!"
The Skrewt let out a cheerful roar and rammed into Lucius like a white cannonball.
"No! My fur!" Lucius screamed as he was launched into a beautiful parabola.
The Skrewt sucked up Lucius's wig (new, but still fake) mid-air, excitedly wore it on its own head, and began screeching in an imitation of Lucius's voice:
"Master! I am a loyal house-elf! Give me Galleons! GALLEONS!!"
Dead silence filled the area.
Then, laughter erupted.
Just then, a luxurious carriage stopped at the gate.
Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge stepped out.
He had come to inspect (and find fault with) the place, but the moment he entered, he was stunned by the scene before him.
What did he see?
He saw Young Dumbledore holding a feather fan, wearing a sequined crop top, performing a girl group dance to the Skrewt's rhythm.
Because his muscles were so developed, every hip sway was accompanied by the sound of fabric tearing, filled with violent beauty.
"This... this is..." Fudge's glasses slid down his nose. "Albus Dumbledore?"
Young Dumbledore finished a high note, stopped breathlessly, and his eyes lit up when he saw Fudge.
He remembered his mission to "attract investment."
So, he put on a fake business smile, strutted over to Fudge with a model's walk, and spoke in a breathy voice:
"Oh my, isn't it Minister Fudge~ You're here~ Want to buy an annual pass? Top up now and get a 'Verbal Abuse by Me' service for free~ You can even touch my biceps~"
Fudge's face turned tomato red instantly.
"This... this is improper!" Fudge scolded verbally, but his eyes honestly stared at Dumbledore's pecs. "However... since it is for the economic development of the wizarding world... I suppose I can buy one..."
"I want one too!"
Suddenly, a voice cut in.
Snape ran over, exasperated, holding the "Rebellious Fake Nose" that was still trying to stick itself onto Young Dumbledore.
"Minister! You can't just buy a card! You must invest in the 'Hair Tonic R&D Department'! My hair... my hair cannot fall out in vain!"
Fudge looked at Snape's shiny dome, then at the fake nose blowing kisses in the air, and suddenly felt the world had gone mad.
"Fi... fine." Fudge tremblingly pulled out his checkbook. "As long as... as long as Headmaster Dumbledore dances another segment of that... that pelvic thrust dance..."
"No problem!" Young Dumbledore snapped his fingers. "Ivan! Hit the BGM! 'Most Dazzling Ethnic Wind' remix 'Friday the 13th'!"
Just as the crowd was about to enter a frenzy...
Voldemort, who had been chased by the Skrewt, suddenly rushed out.
The "Yeti Fur" on his body had been sucked ragged by the Skrewt, revealing patches of purple and green skin.
"ENOUGH!!" Voldemort pointed at Fudge and roared. "I am the Dark Lord! This is my turf! Fudge! Give me the funding immediately! I'm buying the Skrewt as a mount!"
Fudge looked at this "Yeti" wearing a torn diaper with only a single pink pigtail on his head, and frowned:
"Is this some new breed of house-elf? Very unique looking. Quirrell, take it away. I'll use it as a doormat."
"I AM RIDDLE!!" Voldemort nearly fainted from anger.
Just then, the "Rebellious Fake Nose" flying in mid-air seemed to smell Voldemort's scent.
It suddenly bounced off Young Dumbledore's face and, like a green bullet, smacked precisely onto Voldemort's nose-less face.
Splat.
The fake nose fit perfectly.
Immediately, the magic on the fake nose activated.
It began frantically secreting Snape's Special Blend Hair Tonic.
"AHHH! It itches!" Voldemort scratched his face frantically. "Quirrell! Pull it off! It's growing a nose! It's growing a REAL nose!"
On Voldemort's face, the silicone nose was rooting and sprouting at a visible speed, growing flesh-colored nostrils and even two nose hairs.
Snape watched this scene and closed his eyes in despair.
"It's over," he muttered. "The Dark Lord grew my nose. Does this mean... I'm going to turn into the Dark Lord?"
Fudge watched this and suddenly felt the scene had immense news value.
He pulled out a Quick-Quotes Quill and wrote excitedly:
[SHOCKING! Hogwarts Transforms into Theme Park! Dumbledore Dances Girl Group Routine for Investment! Dark Lord Acquires Snape-Style Nose!]
In the center of the chaos.
Young Dumbledore danced while leaning into Snape's ear, whispering:
"Severus, don't worry. Once we make enough money, I'll take you to Korea... no, Ancient Egypt for hair transplants. We'll buy that nose back while we're at it."
Snape looked at him coldly:
"First, put your pecs away; they're blocking my view. Second... if you miss another beat, I'm docking your salary."
Just then, the Blast-Ended Skrewt finally sucked up enough trash (mostly Lucius's wig and Fudge's toupee). It burped and blew a ring of colorful smoke.
The smoke formed a line of text in the air:
> [Next Stop: Ministry of Magic Headquarters · Roomba Experience Event · Stay Tuned]
Fudge watched the text, and the quill dropped from his hand.
"No..."