The classroom was empty except for Team 7.
Naruto was pacing back and forth, vibrating with impatience. Sakura was leaning on the desk, sighing every ten seconds. Sasuke was brooding in the corner, looking cool and ignoring everyone.
And me? I was leaning back in my chair, feet on the desk, reading a copy of Konoha Monthly.
"He's late!" Naruto shouted. "Everyone else has already met their new teacher and gone on adventures! Even Iruka-sensei went home!"
"Sit down, Naruto," Sakura snapped. "A Jonin is busy. He's probably doing something important."
"Important?" I snorted, turning the page. "Or he's lost on the path of life. Or reading porn."
"Don't be gross, Kenji!" Sakura hissed. "Jonin don't read porn!"
"Oh, sweet summer child," I whispered.
Naruto grabbed the chalkboard eraser. A mischievous grin split his face. He wedged it between the sliding door and the frame.
"That's what he gets for being late!" Naruto giggled.
"Naruto!" Sakura scolded, though her eyes were gleaming with anticipation. "You're so childish! A Jonin won't fall for a booby trap like that!"
Sasuke huffed. "Our teacher is an Elite Jonin. He won't fall for a cheap trick."
I closed my magazine.
"I bet 500 Ryo he takes it to the face," I said calmly.
"You're on," Sasuke muttered.
A hand reached for the door. The fingers were gloved.
Slide.
Plonk.
The eraser fell. Gravity did its job. A cloud of chalk dust exploded on top of a gravity-defying silver hairstyle.
Naruto burst into laughter. "BWAHAHA! He fell for it!"
Sakura feigned shock. "I'm so sorry, Sensei! I told him not to do it!"
Sasuke looked disappointed. That's our Jonin?
A man stepped into the room. He had silver hair, a mask covering half his face, and a forehead protector pulled down over his left eye. His visible eye was dead—like a fish that had been left in the sun for three days.
He picked up the eraser. He looked at us.
"Hmm," he said, his voice lethargic. "How do I put this? My first impression of you guys..."
He paused.
"I hate you."
[System Notification] [Relationship Update: Kakashi Hatake] [Status: Annoyed (-5%)]
I smirked. Classic.
****
[Location: Academy Rooftop]
We sat on the steps. The wind was blowing gently.
Kakashi leaned against the railing. And then, he pulled It out.
An orange pocketbook. The cover depicted a running man and a woman in a compromised state.
[Item Identified: Icha Icha Paradise - Vol 1]
I narrowed my eyes.
Ah, I thought. A man of culture. A kindred spirit. But... Volume 1? That's amateur hour. The prose is clunky, and the romance is too vanilla. He hasn't seen the 'Dark Manuscript' yet. Don't worry sensei, I am legally adult now and those manuscripts can finally see the light.
Kakashi flipped a page, ignoring us.
"Alright," he said without looking up. "Why don't you introduce yourselves?"
"Introduce ourselves?" Sakura asked. "What should we say?"
"Your likes, dislikes, dreams for the future, hobbies... things like that."
"Why don't you go first, Sensei?" Naruto asked. "You look suspicious."
Kakashi sighed. "Me? I'm Kakashi Hatake. Things I like and things I hate... I don't feel like telling you that. My dreams for the future... never really thought about it. As for my hobbies... I have lots of hobbies."
"So all we learned was his name," Sakura whispered.
"Okay, your turn. You first, the loud one."
Naruto adjusted his headband. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki! I like instant ramen, and the ramen Iruka-sensei buys me at Ichiraku! And I like hanging out with Kenji!"
Kakashi looked up. "Oh?"
"Yeah!" Naruto grinned. "We do 'Artistic Research' together! Kenji taught me about wind physics and gravity!"
Kakashi's visible eye twitched. He looked at me, then back at Naruto. He decided not to ask.
"And my dream..." Naruto clenched his fist. "Is to become the greatest Hokage! So that everyone in the village will stop disrespecting me and treat me like somebody!"
Kakashi stared at him for a second. He grew up interesting, he thought.
"Okay. Next."
"I'm Sakura Haruno!" Sakura beamed. "What I like... or rather, who I like..." She glanced at Sasuke and squealed. "My hobby is..." Glance. "My dream for the future..." Squeal.
"And what do you hate?" Kakashi asked drily.
Sakura's expression instantly shifted from love-struck to demonic.
"Naruto!" she snapped.
Naruto slumped.
"And..." Her eyes locked onto me. The hatred intensified tenfold. "KENJI! I hate him! He's a menace! He spies on people! He stole my hair ribbon once to 'test its tensile strength'! He shouldn't be a ninja; he should be in a cell!"
[Shameless Points: +10] [Reputation: Public Enemy No. 1 (Sakura's List)]
I gave her a polite wave. She growled.
Kakashi rubbed his temple. Great. A fangirl and a hater.
"Okay. Next."
"My name is Sasuke Uchiha."
The air temperature dropped five degrees.
"I hate a lot of things, and I don't particularly like anything."
Liar, I thought. You like tomatoes. And being emo.
"What I have is not a dream, because I will make it a reality. I'm going to restore my clan, and kill a certain man."
The mood plummeted. Naruto looked uncomfortable. Sakura looked concerned.
Kakashi stared at Sasuke. Just as I thought.
"Okay. Last one."
Kakashi looked at me. His lazy eye scanned me up and down.
"You. The fourth wheel."
I sat up straight. I ran a hand through my hair. I exuded an aura of profound, philosophical wisdom.
"My name is Kenji Sato."
"What I like..." I paused, looking at the clouds. "Is the pursuit of happiness. Specifically, the happiness of lonely, beautiful older women. I like warm towels, high-slit dresses, and the sound of a zipper breaking under pressure of big jugs."
Kakashi stopped reading. He slowly lowered his book.
Sakura looked ready to vomit. Sasuke actually looked at me with a confused expression.
"What I dislike," I continued, my voice hardening. "Is censorship. Fog in bathhouses. And clothes that cover more than 80% of the skin surface area. It is a waste of natural resources."
"And my dream..."
I stood up. I placed a hand over my heart.
"My dream is to become the Pillar of Comfort for every Kunoichi in the Elemental Nations. To create a world where no Big Sister sleeps alone! To publish the greatest, most unholy literature this world has ever seen and dethrone a certain Sannin!"
Silence.
Absolute silence.
A crow flew past, cawing awkwardly.
Kakashi stared at me. He blinked once. Twice. He looked at his Icha Icha book. Then he looked back at me.
Did... did he just declare war on Jiraiya-sama? And did he say he wants to comfort every Kunoichi?
Kakashi had heard many dreams. "I want to be Hokage." "I want peace." "I want revenge."
He had never heard a twelve-year-old declare his ambition to build a harem based on public service.
"You..." Kakashi started, then stopped. "You're twelve."
"Age is a number, Sensei," I replied smoothly. "Maturity is a mindset. And my mindset is rated R. And besides we became legally adult the moment we became ninja."
Kakashi stared at me for a long, uncomfortable minute.
"Okay," Kakashi said, opening his book again to hide his expression. "You guys are... unique."
This team is a disaster, Kakashi thought. A demon container, an avenger, a fangirl, and a sexual predator in training.
"Alright. First mission tomorrow."
"What is it, Sensei? A mission to protect a princess?" Naruto asked excitedly.
"Survival Training."
"Training?" Sakura frowned. "We did training at the Academy."
"This is different," Kakashi's eye curved into a cruel smile. "This is a pass-fail test. Of the 28 graduates, only 9-10 will become Genin. The rest will be sent back to the Academy. The failure rate is over 66%."
Naruto panicked. "No way! I worked so hard!"
"That's the rule. Meet me at the training ground at 5:00 AM. Bring your ninja gear."
Kakashi turned to leave.
"Oh, and one more thing."
He looked back, his gaze lingering on me for a second longer than the others.
"Don't eat breakfast."
"Why?" Naruto asked.
"Because you'll puke."
POOF.
Kakashi vanished in a swirl of leaves.
"We're gonna fail!" Naruto grabbed his head. "I can't go back to the Academy! I won't survive another year of lectures!"
"It's okay, Naruto," I said, standing up and patting his shoulder. "We won't fail."
"How do you know?"
I smirked.
"Because I know his weakness."
"Weakness?" Sasuke asked, actually interested.
"Yes," I tapped my chin and didn't say further.