By the time the breakfast battlefield was cleared, I thought—naively—that maybe, just maybe, we had survived. Keifer and I were sitting quietly on the couch, sharing a small smile, sipping lukewarm tea that Lia had mercifully poured, and for one fleeting moment, peace existed.
But then… I saw her.
Grandma.
She was standing at the top of the grand staircase, hands on her hips, eyes gleaming like she had just discovered the meaning of life—or, more accurately, the meaning of chaos.
"Oh, Section E," she murmured to herself, "you think breakfast was the end?"
In my head:
Jay… don't look. Don't. Look.
But I did look. And the scene froze me in place. Grandma was surveying the living room like a general inspecting her troops. She leaned in, whispering conspiratorially, "Yes… yes… next, we make energy cookies. And maybe a tiny bit of… extra powder."
I froze. My coffee cup shook in my hands. "Hubby… did she just say extra powder?"
Keifer, calm as a glacier, whispered, "Wifey… she's planning round two. We survive this like last time."
I buried my face in his chest. "Round two? We barely survived round one!"
Grandma pulled out a notepad. Yes. A notepad.
"Let's see… pancakes—19 spoons… coffee—neon blue… energy cookies… whipped cream bombs…" she muttered, making small sketches that looked terrifyingly like miniature grenades.
Inner roast:
Jay, you married a man who can save you, but nothing can save you from this old woman with a vengeance complex.
Meanwhile, Section E was just emerging from hiding spots. Mayo peeked out behind a curtain, Felix was clinging to a chair, Kit had his arms crossed like he was surrendering to fate. Rory was already filming, whispering, "This is gold… content gold."
I shook my head. "Hubby… she's planning our destruction next."
Keifer smirked slightly. "Wifey… consider it… training."
I buried my face in his shoulder again. "Training for what? Being trapped in a caffeinated war zone? Surviving airborne muffins?"
Erdix, ever the strategist, had already started whispering to C In and Calix. "We need countermeasures… shields… barricades…"
"Barricades?" I muttered to Keifer. "Do you hear yourself? We have a baby in the house and grandma is plotting biochemical warfare disguised as breakfast. Barricades won't save us."
He kissed my temple. "Wifey, relax… I've got you."
I sighed, finally realizing—this wasn't just breakfast chaos. This was Grandma vs. Section E, round infinity, and Keifer and I were the only calm humans in the room.
Grandma scribbled furiously in her notepad. Then she looked up, smiling innocently. "Who's ready for lunch?"
In my head:
Jay… RUN.
Keifer, sensing my panic, wrapped an arm around my waist. "Wifey… stay close. We move as a unit."
I nodded weakly. "Hubby… remind me why I married into this family?"
He laughed softly. "Because, wifey… you secretly love chaos."
I groaned, covering my face. "Hubby… I swear, if grandma adds more powder to anything…"
She peeked from the staircase. "What did you say?"
In my head:
Oh no. She heard me. Run, Jay. Run.
Meanwhile, Section E was whispering in corners, trying to devise a counter-plan. Freya and Mica were hiding spoons like weapons. Rory was still filming, muttering something about 'viral disaster'. Felix was muttering curses under his breath. Baby Grazel Jay was crawling again—eyeing a muffin like it was her destiny.
I gripped Keifer's hand tightly. "Hubby… we are going to die."
He smiled, brushing my hair back. "Wifey… together, we survive anything. Even grandma's secret weapon plan."
In my head:
Jay, you're not sure if you're laughing, crying, or screaming. But one thing's certain—this is the funniest, most chaotic family in existence, and you're stuck right in the middle.
And Grandma… oh, she's still plotting.