I had always known what accepting the position would mean.
Ariya would be the price I paid for it.
Though, amongst my cousins, I had the highest advantage, there was no need for me to take a position that wouldn't ensure her safety.
The previous Khan had three wives. Two of them were regrettably lost for various reasons- reasons that were sometimes clearer than the mind would like to believe.
The third wife, Mariam Khan, died of "apparent" childbirth.
The first wife, Khadija Khan, died in a car crash.
Only the second wife, Nur Ayesha Khan, remained seated as a queen beside the Khan.
The whispers in the shadows made it clear that the other two wives had been removed as casualties.
Nur Ayesha Khan survived merely because her father was a high-ranking political figure with sufficient power to disturb the throne.
It wouldn't be enough to bring the crown down, but it would be enough to cause considerable damage.
And to take down a Khan in the most easiest way is to harm the ones he held dear to. That was how the previous Khan lost his life. My great grandfather couldn't bear the pain of losing his wife and perished right after her death.
But before he was gone, he made sure many more were gone before him- every single one of them.
I refused the position, another man would eventually take it.
Someone whose intentions I might not trust.
Someone who could turn K.H.A.N. into something far more dangerous than it already was.
Yet knowing the certain risks, I stay on my stand and wouldn't falter. Yusuf would anyway make a better ruler than me.
And that was where my thoughts always returned.
Ariya.
She had entered my life without knowing anything about the world I belonged to. She knew me as Haider- the man who came home late, the man who reminded her to pray, the man she was still learning to understand.
She knew nothing of the name that stood behind mine.
If I accepted the position, she wouldn't remain untouched by it.
The moment she became the Khan's wife, every eye within K.H.A.N. would eventually turn towards her. Every person who wished to approach me would first learn about her. Every enemy would search for a weakness, and she would be the easiest one to find.
Not because she was weak.
Because she was mine.
And that distinction alone was enough to make her vulnerable.
I had spent years imagining a life with Ariya.
Never once had I imagined her having to live behind guards, surrounded by secrets and watched by people whose intentions she couldn't possibly know.
She deserved better than that.
She deserved the ordinary life that I could no longer promise her if I accepted that chair.
And then there was the matter of the previous wives.
Three women had stood beside the Khan.
Only one remained.
Perhaps coincidence had taken the other two.
Or not.
A woman who made me so vulnerable and fragile, yet somehow managed to make me the strongest and bravest.
She made me crave and perceive every little thing about her. A power that she unknowingly held, having me in her palms and throwing me around like a toy.
So, if you ever leave me, I think I will still endlessly love you like a fool, refusing to accept your absence and living in my own fantasy that you're still right beside me.
So tell me, my love, if I hadn't been tied to you or shaken up to a degree that could prove me an idiot-
How could I ever risk losing you?
Even pondering about it makes pain run through my chest, as if I were being stabbed endlessly, just to divert my attention away from the thought of losing you.
"Just protect her."
Then if this question was bought up, I'm a coward.
I have no dbout that I will protect you even if with my own life. However, it only takes one absent glance then the world I loved daringly would disappear right before my eyes.
In all of time, I wonder how long will I wait till I can finally call you mine.
Thoughts etched the corners of my heart, a silent longing from the very start.
Your name still echoes in my mind,
A warmth I somehow cannot leave behind.
No matter how far I try to depart,
You remain engraved within my heart.
As shallow this love of mine may seem to be, it holds an ocean inside of me.
Threatening to spill and flood the shore, an ocean of love I can't hide no more.
An ocean untamed, every wave carrying the love I named.
I halted, the ink dripping from my pen as I stared off to the words I had just written on the book. Nur Hayyati had another paged filled today.