( Tw: This chapter covers topics that might be triggering to some, please: read with care and consideration !)
(Abuse
Cancer
Abandonment
Anxiety)
( Lucas ★ )
" Aren't you gonna eat or should I take the plates?" Her words twisted my stomach. A weight of anxiety stormed throughout my chest making it suffocating to breathe. I glanced at her, standing innocently in front of me as if nothing had just happened. Maybe she asked because she cared. Or to hide the fact that a hickey appeared on her neck.... Was she cheating? Was it a bee? If she was cheating then why!? I took a deep breath burying both the pain of the past and the present. Maybe it was for the best if I left for now. Seeing her neck all night would only make my mind travel through a storm of pain.
But ...Maybe she finally cared. Maybe I was just being dramatic... All I knew was that I needed to exit this house before it eats me alive. Before the whys in my head demand answers.
I tried to cool down as my head rose through the sea of thoughts. I walked towards my car opening the door as the weight of everything fell on my chest. The moment I sat, my body felt like a giant cloud following me. As if a giant snowball fell hard into my whole body making me feel paralysed. I looked into the mirror, wondering why a person like me even deserves a girl like Maria. If the mark on her was another guy's marking it would come as a surprise. I started the car.
At a red light, I glanced into the mirror again. Did I eat too much? Was I being rude? Was it a hickey I saw? Thoughts overflowed feeling each part of me with nothing but blame. My mind ran in an endless loop until a car horn behind me got me back to reality, I started driving again...
My car keys clattered on the table, I hung my coat on the door handle before I jumped into bed. Holding tightly onto my blanket. I closed my eyes as the image of the mark popped into my dreams... Could it be a marking I made? But... the last hug was on my birthday. 15 January. And today it's the 27th. It can't possibly be me. If not me then who? Also what could lead Maria to cheat on me? Did I hurt her with no intention?
03:10 still not asleep. This was probably meant to be a sleepless night, it's not like it's my first. I have spent many sleepless nights where the star whispers to me about their pain... about others' unachieved dreams. That's when I realised things could be much worse.
I sat on my gaming chair, fingers tapping the keyboard. The home screen showed a picture of my mom along with the younger me.
It was before the crisis. Before the man who's called my father stopped sending my mother money. Before the two of us were homeless in the streets. I sighed, zoning into my past. I never saw my father... but his absence sure was a blessing. He sure was a bastard chasing money over love.... I'm happy I never got the chance to meet him. Maybe he was a part of me I couldn't remove. Mom constantly said that she saw him through me. Why do we people always betray our loved ones? Maybe it's a form of love, does it mean that it's the only love? Will my lover always be like my moms? Is my faith also written to be betrayed? Maybe the future will answer my questions, but until then I'll keep wondering.
I took a deep breath, the air cooled my boiling blood. I lined my head back, closing my eyes. I tried remembering a happy, unforgettable moment. Nothing came to mind. The only memory that echoed in the dark corners of my brain was the moment my mother was betrayed. When she fought cancer alone... I was ten years old, yet the consequences of my dad's abandonment were clear. Devastating. Our allowance lessened each day until I never heard of that man.
At 12 my mom's situation worsened. I couldn't stand watching. If my dad wasn't there for us it's my turn to take action. My mom was like a burning candle, I couldn't watch the only light I had melt away. I started working with a man in his 60s. Taking care of his animals that he couldn't take care of due to alcohol problems. But slowly it wasn't just the animals. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, and other household tasks were my unpaid duties. I should have said something. I should have protested... but when I did I was faced with bunches and bruises that are marked throughout my body. " Useless boy! If you can't handle this, how can you handle life!?" He yelled, hitting harder... " Stop crying and be a man!" I was a child. But no one cares about troubled people, right?
That same day, I was faced with my mom's lifeless body on the madras we slept on each day. I didn't cry, I didn't scream. I tried but nothing came out... the worst part was that lonely young man still lives within me, screaming to be heard but no one hears nor understands him.
My lonely journey with nothing but a heavy bag of sorrow started the moment I buried her with my own hands.
My eyes teared up. The weight of it all falling heavier than usual.
" It's okay... It's all over," I whispered to myself. I wrapped my arms around myself as I tried taking deep breaths. I signed before deciding to ease my thoughts with a cigarette under the dark far sky. I needed to calm down. Maria and Autumn couldn't see me like this tomorrow. I needed to calm down. Everything will be fine, I have a lovely girlfriend who loves me, and hopefully a good career in the future. I comforted myself by thinking.
I glanced up, The night felt heavy, too dark to bear. But among the darkness, there was one star shining strong enough to light up the darkness. Then it hit me again. What if Maria actually cheated? Lied to me with a big smile... What should I do then? How could I fix the scrumpled mess inside?
I crashed back into my bed. 04:30 my head spinning, worn out from thinking. But I was done, mentally and physically. Thoughts could wait until tomorrow. I couldn't look like a zombie when meeting Autumn tomorrow. I needed rest.
Tomorrow will be a new day... a fresh start.