( Maria ☼)
The door shut hard, the wind blew back in my face before everything went still for an instant.
"Where is Mr Lucas?"
I turned around, kneeling in front of him. I took a slow deep breath, hiding my irritation.
" He will be back soon, don't worry bud, he's buying you clothes and then he will be right back,"
The light in his eyes dimmed slightly before his brows melted through a sea of tears, frowning at me. I pulled him tightly to my chest.
" Did I do something wrong... is that why he left... I-i- me bad?" A tear fell down his cheek.
My hands cupped his tiny face, my thumb rubbed against his skin softly, as if he were made of fragile glass.
" Heyy, no why would you think that, love?"
My heart ached for him.
A faint sound of jangling keys interrupted the heavy moment. I turned my head toward the door, my eyes still on the doorknob. The door swung open, Lucas entered. Closing the door before taking a few steps into the living room, clearly hiding something behind his back.
" Hey guys, I'm back !" Autumn ran from my embrace, clinging to Lucas's leg.
Lucas carried him, as the three of us sat on the sofa, with Autumn on Lucas's leg. Lucas revealed a bag filled with toys, clothes, and hygiene supplies, including a Spider-Man figure. Lucas' tone was soft, gentle. Showing Autumn each item with excitement I'd never seen.
He took 5 toy cars each one with a different color. Autumn's eyes lighten up, just as small starts.
"Thank you, Mr. Lucas!" He repeated it more than a hundred times.
Autumn's smile was the most beautiful jewelry he wore. Lucas was never this happy near me. My eyes hollowed as I looked at them resting my face on my hand while holding my knees in the other. " Why can't I be like Lucas... perfect, loved... appreciated," I thought, as years of old wounds lightened a fire in my chest. I looked for the last time before turning to the kitchen. Maybe making dinner was better than feeling out of frame.
Should I tell Lucas to go home? No, that would've been rude of me. Perhaps after? I don't know... what I did know was that his presence increased my worries. Not because he was dangerous, or that he was bad. Quite the opposite... he was too good. To the point where I seem like a monster compared to him.
" Food is ready!" They rushed to the kitchen with Autumn on Lucas. I looked at them, saw their smiles melting into one another... something twisted inside. Too close. Too close to the broken pieces I desperately put them together myself. My eyes shifted to the floor, disappearing into the darkness of my past.
My younger sister held tight to my parents' hands. Never leaving space for me. Always made me watch from a distance as she reserved everything I could never have. Toys, candy, love, attention... empathy. Watching Autumn receive love from a person who only cares for me felt like a dagger made of a flower with sharp edges. Both healing and hurting.
He clutched tightly onto my leg, grabbing on to the fabric of my pants as if it were his last hope. He raised his head, looking at me with those puppy eyes you could never resist from a child.
"Thank you for da food!"
I smiled petting his brown curly hair. Then he smiled at me... the storm inside calmed. The smile was very similar to what he gave Lucas, maybe I wasn't as cruel a human as I thought? Or was I?
I looked at the table filled with different dishes. With Lucas in front of me and Autumn beside me- but where is he? I looked at the empty chair beside me then lowered my gaze. Seeing him struggling to get on the chair. Autumn walked towards Lucas "Up?". Lucas picked him up as he sat on his lap. He fed Autumn carefully, as I looked at them feeling more distant. I moved my head towards the left as I noticed that Autumn's chair was closer to mine than Lucas yet he ran towards him first... can anyone feel safe around me? Can anyone trust me? Maybe Autumn didn't feel safe enough with me yet I was happy for him.
Time passed as we finished eating. Lucas was still feeding Autumn. Out of habit I looked at the plates coming to the conclusion that Lucas ate less than us. His plate was still full, barely touched.
" Aren't you gonna eat or should I take the plates?" I stood up taking my own plate to the sink.
Lucas paused, looking at his plate before he let out a soft sigh.
" I'm not hungry... take my plate,"
" Are you sure?"
" mhm,"
His answer was clearly unsure. I gave him a soft smile before taking away his plate. Food was a big challenge for Lucas ever since he was young. I wished I could help... but any time I tried to open my mouth no words would come out. It broke my heart not being able to help... but it's the thought that matters, right? Even though I couldn't express it with action or words. Lucas's past was something still hidden under the doors of silence but I knew that asking about it would only hurt more, so I decided not to ask unless he brought it up.
As I washed the dishes Lucas put Autumn down, taking a deep breath. He looked me in the eye before putting a hand on my shoulder.
" I'm leaving babe," he muttered.
He turned around kneeling to Autumn.
" I'm visiting again tomorrow, okay?" He ruffled autumn's hair.
Lucas turned towards me again, tucking a hair behind my ear as he whispered.
" You can go to classes tomorrow morning, I'm gonna take care of him while you're gone. I know that you don't like to miss classes and I know you would take great notes for me, but you don't have to worry about Autumn, okay love?"
" Sure..."
" Good night love, take care,"
" Night,"
Our lips touched in a fast kiss, and he waved quickly at Autumn before leaving...
I looked at the door as it shut closed. I took a deep breath as I turned my attention towards Autumn.
"Bedtime?"
He smiled, his tiny hand rubbing his tired eyes.
" Yes please,"
I picked him up, took him to the guest room, and put him in pyjamas. I put him down gently tucking him in.
" Miss, can I ask you something?"
" Yes dear," I said sitting on the edge of the bed, expecting a silly question.
" Is Lucas your friend?"
I paused, staring into his puppy eyes. The answer wasn't as easy... Yes, Lucas was my boyfriend but something always felt missing.... He was my lover but I could never love him properly. I don't know what that means... but what I was sure of was that we were best friends.
" Well, he's my best friend,"
Autumn nodded.
" Lucas is amazing!" He smiled, lifting his arms in the air.
I smiled, tucking him back.
" Yes, he is, let's go to sleep now okay?"
" Otay,"
" If you need anything feel free to tell me,"
" Can you give me the car Lucas got me?"
" Sure!" I handed it to him.
I kissed his cheek before exiting the room. I shut the door as I leaned my back against the door. My hands were behind my back as I tried taking deep breaths. Why was this my answer? I loved Lucas ... he loved me. Why am I like this? Maybe I lost feelings but... was it even right to say that Lucas was my best friend in front of a child? It will hurt Lucas when he hears it... But maybe I wasn't the best for him.