"I'm Tim Dorde, and I'm 12 years old. When I grow up, I want to be an EGSDF (Earth's Galactic Special Defence Force) soldier and be stationed above the Earth just like my dad. I want to grow up to be a hero and defend the Earth against an alien invasion!"
"Alright Tim...your father is an EGSDF soldier, but what about your mother?" The teacher asks me while I stand nervously in front of the class with my hands inside my pockets.
"U-u-um... My mom is a nurse, stationed on Earth at the military hospital..." I say with many nerves still showing as my hands shake uncontrollably. I really hate standing in front of the class!
"So both your parents are in the military... Is that why they couldn't be here today?"
"Y-y-y-yes mam... That's why they couldn't be here today to help me with my presentation."
"Okay... Thank you very much, Tim. You may now go and sit back down in your chair!"
After that, I took a seat and shook all my nerves away. The teacher then proceeded with her lesson after all the parents had left. Even though it was only an introduction about my parents' life in front of the classroom, there is one thing I cannot deny: I have never been good in front of a crowd of people, as it always feels like they're looking into the very depths of my soul. I spent the rest of my school years with this idea in my mind; there was nothing else I wanted more than to become an EGSDF soldier, the most decorated soldier on this planet Earth of ours. Many young children look up to these soldiers, and just like me, many had a dream of being in space protecting the Earth.
Even though I had something in common with many children, that didn't stop them from avoiding me like the plague. They all said I was too into aliens to be considered a normal human. From the day I mentioned my love for other species, almost everyone started bullying me. Every day was filled with much excitement and dread. But, it was all exciting in both a good and bad sense. How I miss being a child and being able to see the world through the eyes of wonder, but there is no turning back the biological clock for me!
13 years later, having signed up to be an EGSDF soldier, here I lie on my bed with 6 years of training under my belt, reading the second volume of the official Alien Encyclopedia because there is nothing else to do currently but to learn more about aliens. To be more precise, the book is about alien women! I wish I could meet an alien at this stage, any alien would do! You would think with a war going on and all, there would be more action than just sitting around waiting for a damn invasion. An invasion that I don't think is ever going to happen. Can't help but feel like I was misled as a child! They promised us so much, and yet we were delivered oh so little. No closer to being a hero have I come!
I didn't sign up to be an EGSDF soldier for this ample amount of boredom. I signed up because I was promised action and fighting, but all I got was sitting in silence, walking around, and of course, looking out into space every day, which is probably the only exciting thing to do around here! Ever since I got positioned on one of the 3 Orbital rings that orbits the Earth, I have been nothing but bored out of my mind. Sure, being out in space is great and all, but that novelty wears off when that's all you have to do for fun. To make matters worse, as soldiers, we are forbidden to have sex with one another! With that, I say curse this place!
As the present stands for us humans, we are at war with some alien species. Never used to be this way, of course. As far as my ancestors are concerned, they never knew any other race besides the human race, but that was well over a thousand years ago. Things are different in the year 3421. To be honest, it was only in 2852 that humans came into direct contact with other alien races, and after that interaction, the humans were gifted with very advanced technology that has allowed us to travel all across the universe. However, things soured in 3389 when the humans decided to do the very thing that they are best at doing, which is destroying things. What we destroyed, one might ask? Well, we destroyed a planet that was used as a hatchery for an alien race. That's right, we killed all their yet-to-be-born children! And so, the future of that alien race hangs in the balance. Because of this, they have declared war on the human race. As far as I am told, the war has been very violent for the past 30-odd years! Funny how that is, because as far as I'm concerned I haven't seen a single human die, aside from Jim... who choked on some food and help didn't come quick enough. I guess you can say then, since the past two years of me being here, there has only been one casualty of war, that being of suffocation.
"Oh to hell with all of this! I want some action, just a little taste of combat or something!" I shout out loud while getting off my bed.
I've been nothing but bored for two years. At least let me see some aliens, even if they probe me, it'd be more exciting than this shit! I decide to leave my quarters and head to the observation deck before my mood gets the better of me. I greet a few unfamiliar faces on my way there. Yes, that's right! I haven't come to know everyone I'm stationed with here, as I figured it would be a waste of time. After all, this is only a three year stint and quite frankly once it's over... I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.
I get past the security checkpoint, take the lift to the top of the station, make a right and find myself on the observation deck. This is a room surrounded by glass on all sides, and whether I look up, down, in front, or behind me, I'm surrounded by glass which looks into space. Everywhere the eyes can see, there is only space, and the great vast expanse of the universe. With the naked eye, I can only see bright spots of light that are stars, galaxies and other celestial bodies. But let's not forget the planet Earth, I can see it as clear as day from where I stand. From up here it sure looks like a lonely planet...and it's still hard to believe I came from that planet just a year or so ago. I've forgotten what it's like to walk on Earth's surface. I guess it must be nice for all those people down there, not being bored out of their minds.
Even though I can stand here in awe of all the space around me, I admit that I've seen all this countless times, yet it somehow doesn't get too boring. No! That's a lie.
"I'm bored out of my FUCKIN' mind here! How many times do I have to look into the distance and see the numerous places I cannot go!"
That's right! No matter how much I might fantasise about travelling the universe, I can't. Well...for as long as I'm stationed here I can't travel to all the places I'd like to. I can only be an observer to all the distant life out there. I want to break loose and get out there and have fun.
"Can things not get shaken up around here!?"
As soon as I say that out loud, I see a spacecraft of some kind in the corner of my eye! Seems to be approaching us! I run to the corner of the room to catch a glimpse of it, but I cannot see it any longer. Seems to have vanished into thin air! Maybe I was imagining it all along? Either way, my curiosity has now been piqued. So I decide to head in the direction I think it was going, which would be to the docking station! I wonder if anyone else would have noticed something. I make my way to the far end of the station and head down to the docking station. Once I'm in the docking station, I come to realise that there is hardly a soul in sight. That's right, it's grave shift at the moment, therefore only skeleton staff remain and those that remain are fast asleep. They must be bored out their minds too.
Now that I'm in the docking station, it's time to see if I can locate this spacecraft I saw. I head to the first port, and the only thing there is one of our spacecrafts being worked on. I walk to the end of the port to see if I can see anything else. Just empty space! So I make my way to the second port, and once again I see nothing out of the ordinary, aside from an engineer sleeping soundly against the wall. I walk past him and continue onto the final port. I have a look around and can't help but feel disappointed, as there is nothing here. I approach the edge for good measure, and at first I see nothing at all, just space once again. Just as I'm about to give up, a spacecraft appears out of the blue. It takes up my whole field of view. It's a ship I cannot quite identify! I begin inspecting it, but before I make any progress a door on the ship starts to open!
Upon the door opening, an alien of short stature, purple in colour with lizard-like skin, and a face that resembles that of a pig appears. Its clothes are all black and very similar to the space suits we as humans use, very plain but functional. If I remember correctly, these aliens are the Tolrians and they come from the Mitopi galaxy. It begins to signal to me with its hand that appears to have 4 fingers with sharp, pointy nails on the end. It seems like it wants me to open the port door so it can board. Against all my good judgement and any logical thought, I flick a switch and press two buttons, and with that the port locks onto their ship, and the door opens. As soon as both doors are clear, the first Tolrian I've seen in person comes right to my feet and begins to look me up and down from head to toe. I'm taken aback at this short little alien that stands as tall as my chest, making it 137 centimetres tall. I wonder if it's going to speak? Perhaps I have made a grave mistake? Just as I'm thinking this, it speaks.
"Well look at what we have here! An inferior specimen of a human!"
I cock my head back at what it said, not just at the words but also that it speaks English.
"You're a fine one to talk! You don't look all that well put together yourself, with regards to any species!"
"Hah, that's where you're wrong, I am a very fine specimen when it comes to my species, I'll have you know!" It exclaims while puffing out its chest.
"Then I am more than glad for you, my little alien buddy. Now, did you just board this ship to insult me or what?"
As I ask, it peeks past my waist and looks around as if it were making sure there's no one else around. Doesn't appear as if anyone else is around, and so a look of mischief appears on its face.
"Look here human! I couldn't help but take notice of how bored you were looking on that observation deck of yours! So I thought I would come and offer you some excitement, what do you say?"
I squint my eyes in suspicion, scratch my chin, and ask myself a vital question. How could this alien see me on the observation deck? After all... as far as I know, you can't see onto the deck from the outside. Must be some advanced alien tech, or something? Yes...that must be it, they're just more advanced than us. So I won't ask.
"You could see me on the observation deck?"
Dammit... I asked the question anyway, and before being able to take the question back, a response flies directly my way!
"Yes! Of course we can, after all, you dumb humans are hundreds of years behind us when it comes to technological advancements! So what do you say, you want some excitement?"
"Okay little alien buddy, what excitement are we talking about here, as I need some more details than just your general term excitement?"
"Glad you asked! I can offer you the excitement of partying in space with us, and of course, some alien babes, if you catch my drift!"
While saying that, it begins poking me in my stomach with its elbow, and what appears to be raising its eyebrows, but looks more like opening its eyes nice and wide. I let out a sigh and prompt the alien to stop.
"Alright alright! I get what you're saying, so you can stop poking me in the stomach! Is that all, or is there more?"
"Of course that's not all! Aside from the hot alien babes and parties, you will get to travel the universe and see as many galaxies as your heart desires. Exciting, no?"
"You had me at space travel, but what's the catch? 'Cause it sure seems like you want me to do something for you!"
The Tolrian takes a step back, looks at its boots and in a soft voice says something to me, but I cannot hear a single word it's saying. So I break the ice!
"Let's start with something simple then... I guess. Tell me your name at least."
The Tolrian stands erect like a board and, with much pride in its voice, throws its name into my ears!
"I am the great Vutitu Glorororo, and I hail from the planet Vitu5 in the Mitopi galaxy! Now...for your introduction, my lovely human friend!"
My face bears a grin, after all, who in this day and age refers to themselves as great and actually is? I cannot help but let out a bit of a chuckle from his introduction, but I feel that the ice is broken somewhat, and so I respond.
"I'm Tim Dorde, and I hail from... um... you can see for yourself, the planet we're orbiting right now, yeah... that's where I come from."
I point to planet Earth as I say it, without realising that from our point of view, we cannot see it, as both of us currently stand inside the station surrounded by the walls of the docking port.
"Where are you pointing human!? I just see a wall, not a planet! Let's just say I know you come from Earth. Now...let's get down to business!"
"Ah...yes, the business of what I need to do for you to get some excitement! Well... go on now! The suspense is killing me!"
"Okay Tim! All you need to do is blow up the Earth and this orbital station, and then I will take you with me on a journey across the universe!"
I hear the words loud and clear, but for some reason, I'm the least bit shocked. Should I not be shocked? After all...he wants me to blow up the Earth and this station, which basically means the entire human race will be gone aside from a few. My brain might not be working, or perhaps it's the boredom that has got the better of me because at this moment in time, the only thing that dominates my mind is excitement.
"Sure, I can do that for you! But...how would I blow all of this up?"
"Wait...what? You will actually do what I am asking you to do?"
"Sure, why not? After all, I don't see a problem here, do you?"
Vutitu's eyes open wide, as if he heard something unbelievable. Not that his eyes weren't big enough as is. Can't quite get the surprise though because he's the one who suggested such a thing, and whether Earth is here or not, I couldn't care any less as I will be travelling through the universe. My train of thought is broken when he speaks once again.
"You are one strange human. You know no other human would just let an alien board a ship and then moments later agree to blow up an entire civilisation!"
"Sure, I get it! But to be honest with you here, I'm quite bored and in need of excitement. And besides, just who is gonna miss the human race when we are hated by so many out there anyway?"
Vutitu nods his head while listening to me, and then pauses for a moment. Probably taking in what I've said. A moment or two passes, and still nothing.
"Listen alien man! Are we gonna do this thing or what? Time's wasting away, and I'm not getting any younger or any closer to being out there among aliens!"
"I have a name you know, and you should use it, unless you have a memory of shpoogher. You're one crazy human, but let's do this!"
He then turns around and beckons me to follow him onto his ship. I hesitantly step inside. My eyes are overwhelmed by all the technology I've never seen before. Inside this ship are many screens populated with digital gauges and a language I cannot comprehend. As I look further, I can see that the ship is mostly silver and black, with a few accents of blue stripes that adorn the walls of the ship.
"This is one odd-looking ship!"
Before looking at the inside in more detail, he grabs my arm and yanks me hard enough that I almost stumble on what appears to be stairs.
"Easy there! No need to get so violent with me!"
He doesn't say anything back, as he gestures once again for me to follow. With that, he takes me down to what looks like the cargo bay of his ship, and upon stepping my left foot on the floor, he, with wide open arms, presents a bomb more than double my height.
"Feast your eyes on the latest and most advanced bomb in the universe. Enough to blow up the planet and everything that orbits it. All you need to do is activate your teleportation system on that station of yours and send it down to Earth. Upon its arrival on the Earth's surface, it will explode in exactly 2 minutes!"
I take a step back to take it all in. I can't find the words to express just how wonderful this bomb looks. This is what I wanted when I signed up! Although not to destroy the human race, but what's the difference anyway? Excitement is excitement.
"Alright...so you're saying I just need to teleport that thing onto the Earth's surface and I can board your ship and get out of here?"
"That's right! All you need to do is send this baby down there!" Vutitu exclaims while pointing down to Earth.
I just nod. Even in my mind, I can't quite believe that I'm agreeing to do this, but what the hell. It's time I live a little. We spend the next couple of minutes going over the details of how this will transpire. After we agree that once I teleport the bomb, I will climb onto his ship, which will be attached to the port. I will make sure of this...after all, I don't want him leaving without me. Once all is said and done, we will get to a safe distance to watch the fireworks.
With the plan laid out, I leave his ship and begin to make my way to the central transportation centre. While I make my way there, I begin to feel rather nervous. No doubt that it's because I'm going to be blowing up the Earth. I snap out of my deep thinking when I come to realise that I'm already at the lift that will take me straight to the transportation centre. I never really cared much for how things are around me, but now that it will cease to be, I begin to take everything in one last time. I press the button to call the lift, and in a matter of moments it arrives. I step inside the all-glass lift and select the room I need to go to. The doors close, and I see the port getting further and further away as I shoot higher up. Before I can think much about anything, I arrive at my destination, and the door swings open to the left. I then take a step outside and have myself a deep breath.
Now that I'm in the central transportation centre, I take note of all the equipment that surrounds me on the walls, and the numerous computers that stand tall on the floor. I'm overwhelmed at this stage and don't even know where to begin. I take a deep breath and remember that I have been here countless times, and only ever used the equipment once in my life.
"Oh, what tragedy hath befallen me?" I shout out loud like the ancient humans once did. That felt great, but I must get on with business.
In the moment I realise that I've forgotten how to use the teleporter because I haven't had to use it in ages, or more correctly put, I've been too lazy to use it and usually make others do this part of my job. You see... we all take turns to use it when receiving supplies for daily living in space, but I was never bothered about using it because I thought it was a waste of time. How I regret that now!
I take a few more steps inside, and my memory begins returning to me. "Yes!" I shout out as I approach the main computer that handles the teleportation. I try pressing a few buttons, nothing but a red screen pops up letting me know I am one short of a full toolbox.
"Okay! So pressing random buttons was a poor strategy, and here I thought it was foolproof! Now...as far as my training has shown me in times like this, it's probably best to beat the crap out of the machinery!"
Just as I'm about to raise a fist to the computer in order to show it who the master of the universe truly is, I see a panel that is a designated card reader. Of course! Why wouldn't there be one? I zip open my grey jacket and reach inside the left pocket and produce my access card, place it on the panel, and the world is now mine! Okay...not the world, but the teleportation machine! The screen that was all red now has spaces for coordinates, so I punch in the numbers my alien friend gave me, then I punch in the destination coordinates. Now of course, I could send it straight to the Megacity of Earth where most humans reside, but that would cause many people to notice. You know...one minute they're enjoying their day shopping and the next moment a large bomb appears. So I decide to teleport it into the desert! After all...I never did like those damn pyramids; too much mystery surrounds them after all, and so if they are the first thing to be blown up, all the better for me and my emotional state of being. Which, if I'm to be quite honest, is in a fragile state right now. Once I've put in the coordinates, I press the start button on the screen. A small screen pops up showing the timer for the process to complete. 3 minutes! That's all I have to make it to the spaceship...and with that, I'm out of the central transportation centre in a flash so fast I could be a superhero.
The elevator takes me back down to the docking station. I see the one engineer is now awake, so I wave him on by and wish him good luck. His face shows much confusion, but there is no time for me to stop and chat. I make it to the final port, flick the switch to release the ship and hop on board. I turn around and see the port door close, and then the ship door closes right in front of my face, missing it by mere centimetres.
Now that I'm inside the ship, I take a deep breath, then have a look at my watch and see that 35 seconds are left before the teleportation is complete and the bomb will be on the Earth's surface. I quickly turn around and see Vutitu standing there with a question on his face.
"Vutitu...don't just stand there, the bomb will be on the surface...in...15 seconds, so let's get a move on little buddy!"
His eyes open wide, and he jumps to the side and begins running for the cockpit. I start to follow him, but before I make it to the cockpit, the ship begins to move at a rapid rate, and I begin to lose my footing and go tumbling into the cockpit. I manage to grab onto the one seat and pull myself up. While holding tightly onto the seat with my eyes closed tight, the ship eventually comes to a stop. I open my eyes, and upon doing so, I can see in front of me, while looking out of the cockpit window, the Earth in the distance. There it is, in all its glory? That's strange, it looks so small from here! Just to double-check, I need to be sure I'm looking at Earth and not something else. I turn to face Vutitu and ask what is to be no doubt a profoundly stupid question.
"That's Earth, right?"
"You are not wrong there, that is without a question your planet!"
"It's quite small, wouldn't you say?" I ask Vutitu, knowing that the answer would be equally obvious.
"Of course it's small! We're very far away from the Earth. Did you expect us to be parked up close to it to watch the explosion, all the while we get caught up in it and die?" He sarcastically asks while getting out something that looks like a snack.
"Look... Tim, all you need to do is take a seat, sit back and relax. It is time for you and me to enjoy the show," he says while unwrapping a strange-looking thing. Upon closer inspection, I see it's a strip of candy, straight from Earth. The label has a long rainbow strip with sparks on it, and the title is called 'Rainbow's Candy Strip'.
"I guess you're right Vutitu", I say as I take a seat next to him.
"Do you like that candy you're eating?"
He bites off a piece of the strip and eats it completely, then responds.
"I guess you can say I do! One of my guilty pleasures from Earth!"
"You do realise that once Earth is gone, you won't be able to eat that anymore!"
He turns to me, eyes open as wide as an owl's. I see the colour leave his face.
"Huh?" He blurts out as confusion consumes his face.
"Seems like you failed to think about that at all!"
"Maybe then we should cancel blowing up the earth?"
Just as the words leave his mouth, I see an explosion in the corner of my eye. We both quickly turn to see out the cockpit window, and there it is, Earth is no more what it once was! The explosion is quite something to behold! It was a explosion of colours, ranging from orange and red, all the way to blue and purple. From where we were, you could see bits of Earth being scattered across the universe of pitch black darkness, along with the what appears to be the orbital ring being blown to pieces in every which way, but from here, it's hard to say. One thing I know for sure is the feeling of conflicting emotions that come forth. Everyone I know is no longer alive, and the place I once called home is no longer there for me to return to. I don't dwell on this for too long, as the excitement of travel and exploration is the very thing that wells up within my mind.
We just sit there in silence for a while after the explosion. I feel now is the perfect time for me to take in my surroundings. I have a look at the cockpit, and from what I can see, the ship isn't all that big, especially when you factor in that there are only two red seats available for flying this damn ship. I look to my left, and to my surprise, I can see one of Earth's greatest treasures... a cactus. Without a doubt, it's very odd to be seeing this thing on the ship of an alien who just blew up the Earth with my help. He clearly has more ties to Earth than I originally thought. I go in closer to grab the cactus, but just before I can get my hands on it, I hear him in my right ear.
"I wouldn't grab that if I were you!"
"Why not? It's just a cactus after all!"
"Just a cactus? Let me tell you something! That thing might be there looking all innocent, but every time I go to grab it I get hurt...and it pricks me. Tim, that thing is very dangerous and has caused me bleeding in my life!"
"Come on Vutitu! These things aren't that dangerous," I say while reaching out to grab the damn thing with my left hand, and while reaching out, the ship rocks back and forth a bit from the force of the earth blowing up. I feel a sharp pain in my hand, which prompts me to look to my left, and what I see is that instead of grabbing the pot the cactus is in, I managed to grab and squeeze the whole damn cactus in my hand. I let go very quickly and yelp in pain. Now looking at my hand covered in cactus thorns and blood dripping down it, I sit there in disbelief while Vutitu is beside me laughing his alien head off.
"Y-y-y-y-you see...Tim, HA HA! W-w-w-w-what did I tell you...that thing is dangerous, no? What just happened to you happens to me all the time. I hate that thing, yet can't get rid of it, especially now that we have blown up Earth. Guess I have to keep it now!"
"It would have been alright if the ship hadn't rocked back and forth so much while I was reaching out!" I say angrily as I grip my wrist in agony.
"Here, use this to take the thorns out," he says while handing me small needle-nose pliers.
"Once you're done with that, be sure to apply some of this gel to your hand as it will stop the bleeding."
"Thanks," is all I say while grabbing the bottle of gel he hands me. I begin pulling out the thorns from the hand one at a time. Once done with that, I can't help but look at my blood-covered hand. Then my eyes fixate on the bottle he handed me; the container itself is transparent with no labels to speak of whatsoever. The liquid within it is a deep purple with what appears to be many bubbles within it. I use my right hand to pop the top, which opens up without much hassle. I then pour this gel-like liquid on my hand, and within mere seconds, the blood and small holes in my hand disappear.
"Wow! This is the craziest thing I've ever seen! We never had anything like this in human civilisation!"
"Hmph...of course not! After all, the human race is comprised of nothing but dumb animals who have been bumming off of alien technology ever since we introduced it to your kind. Not only that, but human beings were thousands of years behind other alien species out there before we arrived on the scene!"
"I guess we can't be all that dumb then, as we didn't have the need to invent this advanced technology when it was already available. You can say, the humans were smart and lazy enough to convince you aliens to give us your technology!"
"Bligno togo shmuuki lootini," he responds to me, for which I raise an eyebrow or two. Prompting me to ask, "Is that an alien language you're using there?"
"Of course it is, what else do you think I am speaking?" He spits out in irritation at my question.
"As cool and all as your alien language seems to be, I didn't understand a single word you just said!"
"Tickle me unsurprised! As far as I know, you animals are too dumb to learn alien languages!"
I burst into some laughter upon hearing him getting riled up over a small fry like me. I mean, what even is the point now? Almost the entire human race is gone, so what's one like me to him anyway? I would offer a retort about his language simply consisting of words and sounds strung together, but that would be all languages I'm afraid. Thus, I offer him my most intellectual question: "Do you have a bathroom on this ship, as I forgot to have a shit before I blew up my planet and all?" This causes him to lift his arms and shrug his shoulders.
"Of course there is! What kind of question is that? It might be news to you, but all aliens need bathrooms!" He says and then immediately points down to the stairs and says, "Go down the stairs, then turn right, after that keep going straight until you come to a bright purple door!"
"Is that the only room with a purple door?"
"Yes, that is the only room on this ship with a purple door!"
'Okay...good, I won't get lost then, but when I come back I do have to ask..."
"Ask what? Why is that the only room with a purple door?"
"Spot on! That's the question I have on my lips!"
"Bah, who even cares? Make like a Gugorgen and buzz off!" Vutitu says as he turns around to observe the remnants of Earth once more.
I take my leave and head down the stairs, following his instructions to the letter and find that one purple door. Okay...time to take a deep breath. I must overcome the greatest obstacle humanity has always faced! Having to defecate in the toilet that belongs to someone else. Truly, there is nothing more frightening and nerve-wracking than this. I mean, just the nerves alone make something that would take a couple of minutes last over 15 just because of the nerves and having to overcome a fear that far exceeds the fear of death, at least to the anxious folks like me. I break out into a sweat as I approach the door, before I'm drenched in my own sweat, I'm now nose against the door. I stand there like a complete buffoon as I await the door to open; it never does.
"What on Pluto is going on here man!" I shout out while staring down the door as if I were going up against a death boxer from Earth; I even raise my fist at the door in hopes it fears my wrath, but nothing happens.
There must be something to this door. In other words, it's not a door made by humans for humans to open automatically when you approach it. I guess aliens might not be as lazy as humans. So decide to look for a button of some kind, and to my left I see one! It's a digital button, much like that of a fingerprint scanner. Now is the time for action! I put my finger on it and press down slightly, and lo and behold, the door opens up in the strangest way. Instead of going up, or left, or even right, it merely vanishes like it was never even there in the first place.
"Okay. Let's do this," I whisper to myself as I enter the bathroom, feeling rather uncomfortable knowing that when the button is pressed, the door just vanishes without as much as a warning. But what is life without adventure, right? Oh, and I want adventure.
As soon as I enter the bathroom, the door reappears behind me, making a sound I'm yet to be able to describe; this gives me the greatest fright, making me leap forward as I turn around in one fluid motion to look back at the door while I cling onto whatever is near me. My eyes open wide, waiting for something to attack me; nothing happens, and I begin to calm myself down. Now that I'm a bit calmer, I look around to see I'm holding onto some strange-looking things. In my left hand is a soft pipe of some kind that is coming from the wall, and in my right hand, I appear to be holding onto some orange lever for which I can't be sure what it does, so I let go of it very quickly. Once I have let go of all that I grabbed onto, I bring myself to an erect position on my feet and straighten out my jacket.
"One more time! Lets. Do. This for real," are the words that I let slip out without much thought to it, almost as if it were a pep talk of some kind. I continue the conversation with myself, "Look... Tim, you helped blow up the Earth, going to the toilet should be a breeze!"
I stand there for a while and let the words sink in. Right! This is easy-peasy compared to blowing up a planet. With that, I regain confidence in my ability to do what comes naturally to me. So I turn to look for the toilet, and all that newfound confidence leaves me in a split second.
"What the hell is this!?" I ask out loud as I stare at what might or might not be a toilet. What in the name of Pluto am I even looking at here? I can't make heads or tails as to what I'm looking at. It's almost like a urinal but half-moon shaped with a stem coming from the wall, which gives it the illusion that it's a floating toilet. To make matters worse, it's completely transparent. I wonder if it's made from glass? Such a question is pointless when I let the shape of it sink in. So...that's the shape, huh...and without a doubt, it's a problem! How does a human sit on this damn thing? Is it even a toilet at all? I begin to wonder to myself, but before my mind is lost to thought, nature comes calling, and I need to make some snappy decisions here unless we are to have red alert level 5 on our hands in this bathroom.
I take the deepest breath known to humankind, lasting a couple of split seconds, drop my pants and place my rump on this toilet...thing... I'm not too sure. With this having been done, I assume a deep meditative state and tune out the world, all the better if I don't think the world is there. I am...calm! Yes! I have reached zen and am now one with this toilet. I can feel it, the body is ready and willing! Soon it shall begin! It shall begin, right? Right? What felt like hours, my body finally comes to do its most natural thing, and it comes out with an explosion of sounds and splatters. Must be all the nerves I've been keeping bottled up; just so happens to be in the form of a little bit of diarrhoea, but nothing major, so all is good. Once done, I look to see if there's some spray function to help clean my messy self, but I find none. To make matters worse, I can't even find the ancient toilet paper humans still use.
"Oh boy! What do I do now?" I murmur to myself as I try not to break out into another panic. I have a look around to see if there is something to be pressed to clean things. Nothing! Not a damn thing in sight that seems useful to me in this very moment. Just as I'm about to give up, I notice a small screen to my lower left, covered with a language I cannot make sense of, but it does have a picture of the thing I am sitting on, so must be what I'm looking for. I bend down a little to have a closer look, and as I do so, I can make out what looks to be 4 options that can be selected. I guess I have to choose one of those options, so I move my finger closer to the screen. This only makes me shake nervously as I'm presented with 4 options, of which I haven't a clue as to what must be selected.
"Why 4 options? Who the hell needs 4 options?" I shout out in frustration. Maybe all this blowing up of the Earth business is going to be a huge mistake. Yes, I know, all it takes is a bad toilet experience to pose myself a significant philosophical question as to the right and wrong of blowing up a planet. I whisper to myself, "To hell with this, I'll just select whatever!" As soon as these words leave my lips, I clench my eyes shut and press the screen. My finger lands on the top right option, which could be the 3rd option? Not sure and don't even-
Before finishing the thought, I hear a loud noise and what feels like suction on my rump. I look behind me, and my mess is gone. What a relief! But, as soon as I feel relieved, I see something coming out of the toilet approaching my anus at Mach speed. "Whoa...what the hell is going on!" I exclaim, trying to lift my rump off this thing, but it was too late. This tube of sorts went right up my black hole and began sucking violently! Within seconds, it was finished. I leapt off this toilet, with pants down and all, landing my face square on the door, only to fall flat on my face as the door vanished. I quickly turn on my back and pull my pants back up. Bring myself to my feet and begin to feel the most elation I have ever felt.
"Glad that went well," I say as I step inside once more to wash my hands. Once all is said and done, I head back up to the cockpit. Once back upstairs, I see a grinning Vutitu. I can only assume he heard the horrors from below. I sit down in the chair next to his. I want to ask, but my pride tells me otherwise. His curiosity is what I do not account for.
"So, Tim...just how was your experience? You seem to be speechless for a change," He says while trying hard to hold back laughter that clearly wishes to escape his alien self.
"Well...," I say nervously. "It was interesting to say the least! First off, I have never come across a toilet quite like that one. Secondly, why the hell are there 4 options when it comes to operating the toilet?"
"Ha ha ha... ... ... ... ... Ha ha ha," is all that comes from my new alien buddy, and nothing else can be offered aside from laughter at my pain.
"Vutitu, come on, man! It's not that funny. I mean...is that thing supposed to violate my black hole the way it did?"
"Ah, Tim. It's an alien toilet, alright. You see, it's catered to do different things. When it comes to us, it's good to be thorough when cleaning ourselves. What option did you select?" He asks while shooting me a curious look.
"I think it was option 3...the top right one," I reply, which causes him to laugh hysterically like I've never heard anyone laugh before.
"Ha ha, you really did, didn't you? Tim...that is the option to clean out your bowels completely. Must have been quite the experience for you!"
The next moments were nothing but awkwardness between us, as he kept laughing at me while I wanted to bury my head in some sand. Once he regained himself, he explained to me the ins and outs of many different alien toilets and bathrooms that go with it. He said something along the lines of option 1 just removes all the matter, 2 was for a very light clean of sorts, and 4 was...a...wash, I think. Of course, I paid very little attention to it, for my ordeal from earlier left me feeling ragged.
"Now that that's covered, you did promise me parties and alien babes, didn't you? I would hate to think you won't keep your promise!"
"Alright alright, no need to bring it up as if I wouldn't keep a promise. In order to have a party, we need to drop by a planet...or two, in order to secure ourselves the necessary provisions."
With that being said, Vutitu grabbed hold of the ship and zoomed us over to some strange-looking places. We grabbed many, many things; picked up many strange-looking aliens that will forever be burnt into my mind. And, with all of this, the parties were now underway.