[408] The Final Decision (8)
It was a gloomy day.
He rolled up his clothes and, in case of emergency, packed dried food and first-aid supplies.
When he grabbed the fully loaded military rucksack with his right hand, it slid into Cubric's slot.
Shirone stored Armand and its sheath in Cubric's second slot after checking the sword.
Load weight: 38.7 kilograms. With some spare space left, it was optimally packed.
"...."
Shirone scanned the room to see if anything was missing, then checked the time.
Seeing midnight was near, he took out Maya's letter from the desk drawer where he had carefully kept it and read it again.
Maya had begun to like Shirone on the day of the Paranormal Psychical Science Research Association's presentation.
At the graduating-class welcome party, when Shirone had ended up standing in front of Maya, she had felt something like fate.
The reason she'd asked who he wanted to kiss had been half a joke and half serious—a ridiculous daydream that maybe he'd pick her.
Her feelings were written without omission across four pages of stationery. Rather than dressing it up, she poured all her sincerity into that confession.
If you accept my heart, come to the park at midnight in two days.
Even if you don't come, I will never blame you or hate you.
I just want you to see I'm sincere this once. I love you.
Shirone folded the letter along Maya's crease, slipped it into an envelope, then tucked it into his inner pocket like something precious and smoothed it with his palm.
"Maya...."
He left his lodgings earlier than the appointed time. He couldn't bear to make her wait on a night like this.
He arrived at the park ten minutes early.
Under the only lit lamp, he waited for Maya to appear.
Ding. Ding. Ding.
The bell tolled midnight.
Clouds thickened and wind and rain swept in. Thunder rumbled in the distance and cold drops began to fall.
The rain pounded like countless percussion instruments.
Water streamed from under his drenched hair and his clothes soaked through and grew heavy.
Shirone kept his eyes on the path Maya would take.
Ding.
The bell tolled one.
Maya still hadn't come.
Behind him came the sound of wet footsteps splashing.
Only after the rain above his head was cut off did Shirone turn around.
Amy stood there holding an umbrella.
They simply stared at each other.
Amy wanted Shirone to speak first, and Shirone had nothing to say to her.
All the emotions Amy had been holding down finally burst.
Resentment, anger, confusion, a sense of betrayal, and a deeper, desperate longing.
Clenching her teeth, she forced the trembling words out.
"Why did you come out?"
Shirone did not answer.
"Tell me. Why are you here? Was it really because of Maya…?"
"It's none of your concern."
Amy's heart plummeted.
She had known Maya would confess.
Even knowing it, she had agreed—confident she'd seen Shirone's feelings in his eyes. What she later regretted was anxiety over Maya's boldness.
She had paced her room until she could no longer hold herself back and ran to the park.
Shirone had been waiting for Maya. And now she was looking at him with cold eyes.
"No. That can't be."
Amy's voice wavered.
"What's going on? You've been acting so strange lately. Even now you're acting strange. Talk! Tell me what's happening! If you don't tell me, I won't look at you anymore."
"Fine. I don't care."
Amy couldn't believe it.
Why was he being so cold?
He wasn't the Shirone she knew. She was afraid.
For the first time, she felt exposed in front of him.
"Why? Why are you like this? Why won't you say anything? Is it because I didn't do it like Maya? You fool, I— I also, I— you…."
Shirone pulled Amy into a fierce hug. If he didn't, he couldn't hide the expression contorting his face.
Hot tears mixed with cold rain and ran down her cheeks.
"Amy, thank you for everything."
Overcome with grief, Amy began to sob.
She grabbed at Shirone's lapel and tried to push him away, but she only slid.
"Don't. Don't hug me. Say it! Tell me why! You bastard!"
Her hands had no strength.
Time shoved her forward and a cliff waited ahead. For the first time, she wanted to turn back time.
Shirone gave a sad smile and spoke his last words.
"Goodbye, Amy…."
Thud.
The umbrella fell from Amy's hand. The sting of the rain swelled around them.
Even as Shirone left and walked away, she stood frozen in a daze.
Tears blurred her vision and she could see nothing.
"Ugh. Uh—uh."
When the sob trapped in her throat burst out, the sky rumbled and cried in her stead.
* * *
Thump! Thump!
Koli, the head teacher of the graduating class, woke at the knock on the annex door.
He hurriedly threw on his robe, rubbed his sleepy eyes, and opened the door to find Maya standing there drenched.
"Maya? What are you doing at this hour?"
"Teacher…."
Unable to hold back her emotions, Maya flung herself into Koli's arms and burst into tears.
"Waaah!"
Koli was startled but took stock of her condition. First he needed to calm her trembling body.
He added logs to the fireplace and lit it, seated Maya, and handed her a towel.
He brewed cocoa and placed it before her, but she only watched the flames at the hearth as if in a trance.
She's come back, Koli intuited—today was the day Maya had spoken of.
Although he didn't show it during graduation schedules, he had poured great affection into this student—he'd personally enrolled her at the Magic Academy and taught her.
A fragile child, he thought. So considerate of others she neglected her own feelings.
Koli had first seen Maya at the outdoor opening performance of the vocalist Canaria.
Commoners were allowed to watch from outside the barricades; the nobles seemed to like that format.
So the organizer went further and placed a commoner in the opening act to make Canaria's excellence stand out.
They recruited fourteen-year-old Maya.
But the planner's trick spectacularly backfired. The young girl's song was so hauntingly beautiful it gave listeners goosebumps.
The nobles were naturally displeased and showered her with jeers and criticism the moment the song ended.
Some even summoned the tribe chief and offered a fortune to bring Maya to their beds.
The chief tried to fight the nobles, was beaten nearly to death and driven off, and Maya gave up on her dream of becoming a singer that day.
Koli encouraged Maya toward the path of a mage.
Though gentle at heart, her talent for Omnipotence was undeniable, and within two years she'd managed to enter the Spirit Zone.
Koli didn't expect her to become a great mage.
If she became a mage, helped raise her tribe, and one day could sing what she truly wanted, wouldn't that be enough?
"Shirone didn't come out?"
Maya faintly lifted the corners of her mouth. It was the only happiness she could wring from the pain.
"No, he did. Foolishly—even though I told him not to. He shouldn't need someone like me, but he came. For me, he waited over an hour."
Maya covered her face with both hands.
"That's why my chest hurts. I like him so much. I want to be his woman."
"Why didn't you at least talk to him? He might have come because he really likes you, you know?"
Maya shook her head.
"From the start I knew I couldn't win Shirone's heart. I confessed knowing that. I loved him so much I thought I couldn't bear it if I didn't say it. So I went into hell even though I knew it was hell."
Maya looked at Koli with a terrified expression.
"What am I supposed to do? It hurts so much. I feel like I'm going to die from the pain. Can I ever forget Shirone? Can I go back to how I was before I met Shirone and live?"
Koli answered honestly.
"Maya, you can't erase the past. It's something you'll carry for the rest of your life."
"I don't think I can. Living like this with the pain… how…?"
Maya finally broke down and wept.
Koli came close, hugged her, and patted her back.
"There's nothing to be afraid of. The wound won't disappear, but as you live more, so many new wounds appear that you won't know which scars Shirone left. Then, one day, you'll be okay again. Life just goes on like that."
Maya buried her face against Koli's chest.
"That's not living. How can I live without any hope?"
"Maya, you don't live because of hope. You create hope to live. You may not be able to forget, but everything will be alright. You'll find another hope."
"I don't want that. I want Shirone to come to me. I want Shirone to love me."
When a blade cuts you, it doesn't hurt at first. The real pain comes the moment you realize you've been cut.
So Maya's feeling now wasn't pain but fear—the dread of the suffering to come.
Because her heart was tender, it would be harder for her. But Maya, Koli thought, an artist tells the story of people. Looking from on high, you never truly see them. Remember today's pain. Sing from the lowest place. Then one day everyone will soothe your wounds.
Koli stroked Maya's back.
Her shoulders trembled pitifully like a fledgling whose wings had been broken in the storm.
* * *
3:00 a.m.
He had never intended to sleep, so when Shirone returned to the lodgings he washed and changed into fresh clothes.
Sitting at his desk and trying to shut out thought for a moment, a sigh with the aftertaste of tears escaped him.
"Is everything settled now?"
He had withdrawn from the Paranormal Psychical Science Research Association. Neid had been furious, but in the end had embraced him and told him to come back no matter what he chose to do.
And today he had given Maya and Amy their own kinds of farewells.
He wanted to sever every tie before going to heaven.
No—he had to.
If any attachment lingered here, he would hesitate at the crucial moment. He might falter when he absolutely needed to die.
In a short time, Shirone had sorted through all the ties he could.
Yet faces of precious people still rose in his mind.
Rian, Tess, and… his parents who only ever wished for their son's happiness.
He was glad he had told them he loved them before leaving home.
It was truly the best thing he had ever done.
He opened the drawer and took out clean stationery. The farewells he had not finished would now have to be put to paper.
Turning the nib between his fingers, Shirone finally wrote on the page.
A will
"Sniff. Sniffle."
Tears ran down his cheeks from his sorrow.
He had wanted to graduate from the Magic Academy. He wanted to experience the world with friends. He wanted to feel the thrill again of holding Amy's hand.
"Mother…."
For Shirone, his parents were Vincent and Olina. That fact would never change.
He should have known before going to heaven.
No—he shouldn't have met Ikael in the first place.
But he had found out.
He had never shown it to anyone, but the answer to the question he had carried in his chest his whole life was with her.
'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.'
Shirone wiped his tears with his sleeve and continued his will.
He wrote thanks to those who had helped him, that he had been happy to have received so much love, and respect for his parents.
Slowly, everything he had held for nineteen years emptied onto the page.