READING GUIDANCE
" This is a direct sentence in the present time."
" This is a direct sentence in the past time."
' This is a character's inner thought in the present time.'
' This is a character's inner thought in the past time.'
[ This is a direct sentence in sign language in the present time.]
[ This is a direct sentence in sign language in the past time.]
HAPPY READING!
What is the purpose of your life?
What is the reason that makes you still breathe until now?
Why are you still living?
... as life is full of agonizing things that humans must face every day. These challenges drain all the energy needed to live casually, making it difficult to find contentment. Even though you sleep through the night and wake up to a beautiful morning, your body still feels so exhausted that even breathing becomes a struggle.
' When will it end?' she wonders, clutching her head in an attempt to ease the headache. Yet, even after curling up in a dark room and waiting impatiently for relief, she still does not feel any better.
... and it is getting worse.
The nightmares are worsening.
Even with her eyes wide open and her mind fully alert, the screams continue to linger in her brain, driving her toward madness.
"YOU ARE THE MURDERER!"
She screams in the silence, "Please stop," begging for something she knows will never happen.
.
.
"My teacher tells me I have good mana inside my body!" Arisha says cheerfully in the extravagant dining room. She looks so cute and lovely in her academy uniform, surrounded by the second prince and first princess, who sit beside her, smiling as they listen to her story. "They said if I practice diligently, I might be able to grade up sooner."
"That's great! Our Arisha is so smart, isn't she?" Ivy says. "You should eat more so you can grow up. Let me cut the meat for you, okay?"
While wiping her cheeks, the second prince smiles gently. "I will be your practice partner, Arisha! I will come to you after my classes," he says.
"Really?!" she asks excitedly. "Thank you..." She then smiles shyly, her cheeks reddening, making all the princes and princesses touched. They give her extra attention that makes Arisha both happy and shy.
' You look so happy.' Irisha cannot stop thinking about how wide and bright her sister's smile is. She understands all of the conversation as they use sign language, and after several weeks of living in the palace with this routine, she starts to believe that they are all sincerely caring for her sister.
... and her heart starts to feel anxious.
"Eat your food well," says the crown prince, who sits beside her and pokes her gently. "You haven't touched it."
She smiles weakly. [... I am not a child, Your Grace.]
"You are, because you just left your food without touching it," he says. "You don't like it?"
She looks at the sliced meat with its redness and turns away. [I am just full.] Despite her forced smile, the crown prince realizes her discomfort immediately. [... I will eat later.] But he decides not to say anything further.
... and Irisha does not really want to put much effort into explaining herself to the prince. Even now, she feels too exhausted to argue. They have been staying at the palace for quite a while, even though she is now healthy enough to walk with a cane—something Irisha cannot argue with him about. Even if she did, he would just delve into matters she does not want him to explore. So, she just lets him be while giving him the cold treatment.
' Why do you care about me so much?'
'... while I need you to go away.'
His gentle touches, brushing her hair casually, eventually start to ache in her heart. [I will go.] she says as she brushes his hand away and stands up with her cane. Avoiding his gaze, she adds, [I will have a meeting with the officials, so—] She smiles, then bows. [Arisha, please have fun at school. And you both too.]
"Okay!" The three of them smile brightly at her as she turns away and walks out of the luxurious dining room into the glamorous hall, where many people greet her with smiles.
... from the start, I was trying to provide Arisha with a good life.
"Miss Irisha, good morning!" the maids greet her.
[Good morning, everyone,] she replies with a smile.
I now have quite a lot of savings...
"Miss, I've already prepared the documents for you," Tara says as Irisha settles into her office. "Would you like a morning coffee?"
She giggles. [You know me so well, don't you?]
"It's my pleasure." Tara smiles brightly and leaves to prepare the coffee.
' ... Rosan will gladly take good care of her, won't she?'
Irisha reviews documents, signs several matters, attends meetings, and gathers with colleagues who share their stories and laughter. It is both fun and chaotic, but her smile widens.
' After graduation... when she is old enough, she can use the money I've saved to travel the world she dreams of.'
Yet, ironically, her mind cannot find peace.
"You are the sinner, after all."
She gulps, smiles, and painfully drinks the water in front of her in the meeting hall. Closing her eyes, she twitches at the vivid trigger of the bloody woman in her dream.
"You are the murderer!"
"You cannot be happy! This is your punishment!"
Now, it creates a very clear image of her talking to the bloody woman. '... Please stop,' she begs silently, '... just for a while.'
"You cannot live hap—"
She stands up abruptly in the middle of the meeting where Sir Higrid is speaking.
"Is there something you want to say, Ms. Irisha?"
She looks around at the people in the meeting who are now staring at her. Then she looks at the crown prince, who is watching her intently. She frowns and turns away. [I have to go for a bit.] Even before she gets permission, she leaves the room. She hurries down the empty hallway as the sun begins to set.
'It hurts to breathe.'
It really does.
'It is so painful.'
Even though she runs despite her broken foot, trying to distract herself, the vivid images continue to torment her.
... and she stops as she sees the man who seems to be searching for her. She frowns as his warm, big hands gently brush her cheeks. "Are you okay?"
[Why?]
"... Are you hurt?" He looks at her with concern.
She frowns in pain. ' Why do you do this to me?'
His gentle touches are engraved in her heart, making her memories crave him more and more. She even remembers his refreshing scent, like a morning forest.
"... Please just tell me." He looks so miserable whenever he sees her in this state. "Is it the headache again?"
She smiles weakly, turning her face away. [... How many times have we argued about this?] she asks. [... I already told you not to meddle in this matter.] But he is always there every time this happens to her.
He looks at her deeply with his beautiful gaze. "You did."
She frowns. [... So why?]
"... Because I want to be with you." Her heart stops. "I want to always be by your—"
'Don't say it.'
[Let's stop.] She smiles. [Let's stop here, Your Grace.] She holds his hand, which he expected to be held, but Irisha brushes him off. She takes a deep breath. [I think... we may have crossed the line. So, I might just stop it as well.]
"What do you mean?" He looks confused.
[... I will go back to my house tomorrow.]
"What? You still—"
[It is not your business, is it?] she responds.
He looks at her in disbelief, but tries to compose himself as he looks at her, who is trying to avoid his gaze. "I will just force you not to."
[You might,] she says faintly. [... As you are the crown prince, after all.] She forces a laugh, a smile that barely reaches her eyes, as if the weight of her world is crushing her from the inside. [But... I am just too tired.]
And again, after a while. [I feel so tired... Your Grace.] She offers a small, fragile smile, one born not of happiness, but of sheer mental exhaustion—a smile that masks the turmoil inside while her spirit quietly bends under the weight of it all.
... she cannot face him. Her eyes close as she swallows the saliva stuck in her throat. Somehow, she feels fortunate at this moment that she cannot let out any sound or speak her mind. She knows her voice would tremble and eventually break everything she is trying to hold.
He might find out if she lets her voice out.
... which cannot be done.
... because even at the very start of her life in this body, she knew exactly about her sin.
' I live until now because death is too agonizing and disgusting.' To let her beloved baby sister know about that is something she cannot do, even though she tried several times.
Several times?
Yes. A long time ago, when the world still felt so harsh. When it was so painful and tiring to even wake up. Every night, while looking at the innocent baby in her arms, her mind always wandered to thoughts she should not entertain.
'It is better if you are not with me.'
'I am too sinful to be with you.'
'You can be happier if you are not with me.'
But Arisha always smiled at her in her darkest thoughts. Shaking her already shattered heart, making her lose those thoughts, and survive.
'Just a little more. Just a little bit more.'
Let her feel the happiness of longing to see her sister grow.
Just a little bit more, until she can stand on her own.
Yet, the happiness is overwhelming, and she cannot stop her desire to see her sister grow and be even happier.
'Then... you love me dearly.' Arisha would hug, cry, laugh, and smile every time, showing her affection as if Irisha is someone whose world centers around her.
[I love you.]
Arisha would smile widely, as if it were the most beautiful thing she ever known for someone like her to say that her sister is her world.
And it hurts her every day because "I am a sinner," and she feels so dirty for not letting this pure little girl know about something she has deep inside her heart. It burdens her heart as if something stuffy blocks her lungs and stops the air from flowing.
'... but I want to be with her.' She keeps saying while her heart trembles in search of help.
Because even though it looks like she is living a normal life, every second in her world, she is always on the edge of her sanity.
Her past does not let her be.
It is her punishment after all.
Yet, she just wants to see Arisha's smile, even though her sanity starts to crumble slowly. She overcomes it somehow, distracting herself until now.
'Just until she grows older.'
And faking the only expectation she hopes her sin allows her to have. Struggling and hiding it as something she keeps inside her heart.
No one could know.
No one should know.
Yet the world around her is starting to change after she met him.
And her mind is starting to go crazy.
Her heart is pounding like it will burst and explode.
She cannot breathe as it feels so painful.
Every time she wakes up from the long nightmare she has started to get used to—it is now coming to her every day and second. In her suffering, whenever she looks at him, who is concerned about her as if her life truly matters to him, it hurts her even more.
'Don't say something that I should not know.'
'Don't say something I cannot fulfill.'
Don't let her dream of something she cannot obtain.
As it feels unbearable, her heart aches every time she looks at him. The memories of the sunset or the wind that blew into her face. Whenever she remembers that moment, the beautiful golden eyes shimmering in the orange light feel so warm.
... but it will eventually change into thick blood where the woman screams in her mind.
"You are the murderer!" rings every time, in every breath she takes.
She then smiles faintly.
'I cannot be with you.'
'I beg you.'
As she looks at the golden eyes staring at her impatiently, [I will resign from the palace.] so then,
'Let me go.'
***