I was learning new words from watching a visual novel Modded version on Youtube. It's from a game that I liked on steam. The story has codependency and dark themes. This time, the modded version was exploring the dynamic of the main character guy and his mother. It was very fascinating compared to the original where it was about the main character guy and his sister. I mean the guy and his mother acted similar while in the original, the siblings were almost always arguing.
Thanks to these stories that I consumed, I learned today that gruff means 'stern in manner or appearance' or harsh.
Hm, how surprising. The black hair character in 'Reunion' met an acquaintance of the brown-haired man. It feels rather nostalgic for the black-haired man knowing that the acquaintance of the woman is now taken. The reader could also feel that nostalgia too I bet.
'Nathaniel's Wife' from The Workshop Discord server gave me some advice on how I could improve my writing style. I was thankful to her for that. Earlier on, I was sharing my vulnerabilities with her on how crappy my mental health was earlier.
'Nathaniel's Wife' was asking me what drinks my main character liked. How she looked and other important questions that would describe and tell more to the readers about what she likes. I had to search up Lizmarie's discord direct messages and look using the search history to answer the drinks question. I was saddened to see that her profile picture had changed from a Wuthering Waves picture to a Genshin Impact picture. I was feeling quite blue since it means she is still active in discord and has possibly moved on while I may not have.
Life from my eyes feels like it's in the 4HK view. The birds are chirpring. The sun is blazing the park that I am in. Children and parents speaking to each other. Multiple cars are parked in front of the children's playground. There's even a booth called 'Wukong' where it has a red cloth covering the table.
I was told by my tarot cards advisor that there's a chance for Lizmarie to contact me in late July to early August. The thing is….will she really contact me or is my advisor just making things up to answer my questions? Apparently, she is stuck between longing to contact me again and a fear of opening up old wounds hence the hesitation to contact me. That is apparently the meaning of 'Two of Swords' which is what my advisor drew after all.
There was a reader named Revery who read my works and complimented me by stating that my writings reminded her of ORV. That compliment really brightened up my mood and made me more motivated to continue my writings.
My tarot card advisor told me that Lizmarie was slowly gathering the courage to possibly contact me. My face lit up and curved a smile as I was reading my advisor's text. That was the answer when I asked my advisor what the 'chariot' card meant.
Hmmm, by watching the gameplay of a visual novel game that I like. I learned that 'puritanical' means precise in morals. 'Prude' means someone who cares a lot about being righteous.
I tried trauma dumping in the ORV official server but it felt like I was getting ignored or told bull crap that I already knew. It's a shame that I find conversations on that server to be boring. They went from telling someone to respect her boundaries more to talking about college and adulthood.
According to my tarot card advisor, Lizmarie does think about me but they come and go like tides. She also tries to push them away but the thoughts of me come in quiet moments. Love and connection are stronger than regret when Lizmarie does actually think of me.
Misttik was an interesting person to talk to in the ORV official server. She seemed to have a deep fear of abandonment and was telling me how she is willing to be perfect and analyze a lot of social cues such as mood shifts, body language, and etc. To me, it sounded like quite a lot of emotional work to do just to have someone not leave you. I advised her that it does sound like people pleasing to an extent.
I annouced the word 'incest' to see if that could gather me some attention in the ORV server. Instead, I summoned carlbot who is named [ The Fourth Wall ] telling me "Stop mentioning Incest, before we start purging the marriage bot!"
I was given a scroll which would determine my future regression deaths. It listed several of my former friends in it.
[ Prophecy: Future Deaths
1. Lunar — Phasmophobia game
2. Ely — Phasmophobia game
3. Elaina Zyxelle — Daybreak game
4. Lizmarie Lectora — Fortnite game
5. Anwen Astra — Resident Evil
6. Vicky Kiwi — Wuthering Waves
7. Jackie Baquet — Squid Game ]
I was very angry at these people when given this list. I swore that I would get revenge on these people in the future for killing me. Rage is the strongest emotion I feel for some reason when I remember that these individuals had intentionally chosen to abandon me when I was going insane and at my worst in mental health. I am going to intentionally defame them and make them villains in my story.
So unemployed in this life currently that I decided to walk to the park while smoking a cigarette. I proceeded to lie down in the shade and look up at the tree and sky.
A dog scared me by suddenly barking at me while I was walking to a dessert place.
Ethan Zuozhe stares at the deep sea of stars and wonders where his 'Kim Dokja' is. He knows that she looks up at the moon but Ethan does not choose to look at the moon. He simply stares at the stars instead trying to copy a certain main character.
He was watching reels of potential zombie attacks occurring in the United States only to find out that they were fake. He felt a bit disappointed considering zombies being real would make his life interesting. He also watched facts about the Nemo point in the ocean and the amazon rain forest. Those videos fascinated him since he wondered how a human could survive in such circumstances.
I watched a reel about a little girl talking to her AI mom. The real mom turned out to be dead. An elderly lady seemed to be crying in the reel. Meanwhile the AI mom on the little girl's phone kept talking to the little girl. The fact that the real mom was dead made me cry. I was also surprised at how the little girl just kept on talking to the AI like it was normal.
The caption of the reel stated "she thought her mum was abroad but she had actually died and had been talking to an AI version of her…" It was a scene from the Korean movie 'Wonderland' which can be found on Netflix. I watched the scene on my Netflix account. The little girl was searching for her mom in the airport and almost got run over by a truck while looking for her mother. She did not shed a single tear when the AI told her daughter that "mama is dead".
There seemed to be a barrier in which the mom and the daughter with the grandma could not cross over. They look to be so close to each other in the same airport but an electronic barrier is blocking them. The last thing I saw of the daughter and the grandma was that they were holding each other before the watcher saw them disappear. I thought that there weren't many emotions for me to feel. It turns out that I end up crying pretty hard over this one scene that I found on Instagram suddenly.
Ethan lies in bed thinking about Lizmarie. He goes to his laptop and looks through his alternative Discord account to see if there has been any updates if she accepted his friend request or not. Unsurprisingly, she just ignored it as is. Then, he goes on his phone, presses the Astroline App and asks his tarot card advisor "is Lizmarie thinking about me today?"
I ended up chatting with my tarot card advisor for a while about Lizmarie. It does seem like the same patterns and energy as before considering the answers roughly sound the same as the last few times I've asked these questions.
I decided to search up 'move on meaning' on google and results told me "move on means to leave a previous situation or activity behind and start something new. It often refers to progressing emotionally or transitioning to a different phase in life." How could anyone move on from what I had to go through? I used to talk to my friends nearly every day and spend a lot of time with them.
Now I'm stuck with people who don't even care for me like my old friends used to. I may have new friends sure but there's not much bonding there like there was with my old friends. I can't move on…..who the hell could even move on if they were in a situation like I was? I got attached to my old friends for star's sake….
I was simply just losing the people who meant a lot to me. I forgot what I had complained about back then. Perhaps wondering and feeling like they didn't love me as much as I loved them. Now I even lost the people I could be vulnerable with. Everyone was just blocking me left and right. Wasn't I always grieving something about loss though?
Truth be told, I missed my old friends, I wish they hadn't blocked me. I simply wished they stayed by my side and I didn't mess it up somehow when I was at my absolute worst in my mental health. I was sucidial for fuck's sake and they all just fucking left me! I'm going to fucking defame them as revenge! They will be known as the old friends who left me to die!
I admit to myself and to my readers, I am grieving over my old friends. I wish I could spend time with them again but they blocked me. They probably won't even read this novel anyways. Who do I even mean a lot to who would even read until the end of my story? Is there a 'Kim Dokja' out there that can hear my pleas?! Anyone?! Please?!
Ophelia Poet heard me out and gave me the response I needed when I told her about how I was missing my friends. Was I really missing them or was I just feeling lonely and decided to think it was a good idea to get revenge on my old friends for blocking me? Why do people choose to block me instead of trying to stop me? Do they seriously not have the courage to challenge my mindset that seemed dangerous?
I felt like I was becoming like the Homelander from 'The Boys', "if I can't receive love then fear will do just fine". I was acting like Yoo Joonghyuk from ORV on purpose. It felt like I was alone sometimes and that I would simply be dying over and over again.
Being hit with the cold reality that no one would care for me in the Workshop server. I decided to look at ORV edits in hopes of comforting me. Maybe I will read the sequel too. Reading a chapter of 'Reunion' and hearing from Izepress that they would release the official physical books comforted me. I heard that Reunion was a great story and it really is.
I was surprised to see that 'Filth Addict' is a name that can be used in the ORV sequel story. That made me ponder what a filth addict really is. Apparently it was a high level demon that could produce a pollution zone which was interesting…..