I touched the scar on the right side of my face. The scar was slashed from the forehead to the cheek, it was practically an eye scar. The Angelic Queen of Bitterness was the one who left this mark on me. I smiled at the mark she purposefully left on me, it reminded me of the kinky yuri manga that I was reading.
I was turning into a monster, this happens to someone who lost their sanity due to mental health after all. Friends were leaving me one after another, I would label them to be traitors and eventually be put on my homicidal hit list. Of course, I wouldn't kill them in reality, only in writing which would forever haunt them as revenge for leaving me and stabbing me in the back in one of my previous regression turns. Just like they left me one by one, I would research and kill them off one by one.
I hope the stars and story consumers will enjoy watching me take revenge by hunting those who have previously hurted me. It was a very human thing to do after all. I wonder if this was how Homelander felt, just killing anyone who annoyed him or betrayed him even. I just considered killing those who left me to die, I simply wanted others to feel what I felt. As Homelander says "if I can't get love, fear will do just fine."
I was playing Wuthering Waves for the storyline. Lynae said something that I couldn't understand. She wanted to be a carefree student but with the weight of responsibilities and secrets she had to bear, she couldn't do that….
I was shown a place that brought her peace. I nodded to her question. She wanted to be a student in exchange for telling me some information about who she really was. Rover, who was the protagonist of this game, asked her just how important being a student is to her. She responded that words aren't enough to express just how important being a student is to her.
Somehow she took Rover's silence as a yes to her deal. Lynae grew up in the 'Lawless Zone' where a child could see blood being spilled once every three days. The New Feds saw how talented she was and gave her dirty jobs to work upon.
It seems like Lynae ends up switching lives with the 'real Lynae' by becoming a student in Startorch academy and taking her admissions letter. This begs me to wonder how she deals with her identity crisis and keeping it a secret. Based on the dialogue that Lynae said, it seems like she lived such a rough life compared to how peaceful the students live in the academy.
Lynae suggested that we worked together. The protagonist thought that a student wouldn't talk like she did just now. Rover was rather reflective and thoughtful.
I completed a main quest in Wuthering Waves. I decided to get off the laptop and do something else. As I was lying on my own bed, I felt my right foot having the feeling like it was asleep in the sole area. For some reason, it was twitching a lot causing it to make sudden movements that I can't control.
The wind blew my face as I was sitting down on the concrete stair. Cars were driving down the black concrete roads. I was sitting down near a neighbor's stairs, very close to my own house. It felt relaxing and peaceful to just sit down where you can stare at the dark night where one star is looking at you. Crickets were chirping, street lights glowed dark yellow or possibly orange even.
[ Poem writing has begun for Lizmarie
I want you to devour me,
Even if it's only a little bit.
I want to devour you whole,
But if you only allow a little bit
Then, that's fine with me.
"After rereading it several times…"
That's what you once told me.
Doesn't that make you Kim Dokja?
My shining star, my one and only reader.
I will be your darkest knight
I will be your eternal writer.
"Even if it only helps a little bit…"
You helped me so much.
I don't think I can ever repay you back.
To display my devotion to you,
I will write 3,149 chapters.
Dedicated to you.
Just like that one writer did.
For the reader that she loves.
You are my one reader.
My one and only.
Regardless of time passing by,
You are still my favorite human being.
I adore you, mi amor. ]
Hm, I asked people what they thought of this poem I wrote when I showed them it. Most people said it was good and I even made one cry. Ophelia Poet analyzed the poem and found it to be written carefully and delicately. I decided to quote how she exactly analyzed it below.
"So it seems to start out very cautiously like you obviously want to "devour" the other person more and vice versa. But you're also scared and cautious about rejection if you reveal your needs, you're scared that the other person, especially given how much you idolise them will hurt like their rejection is their final verdict of your character. You are grateful to them because they helped you so much in the past and mean a lot to you and that's why you're scared of losing them."
I wonder if I should call myself 'The Angelic Queen of Bitterness' Personal Servant' because that's the role that I want to play for Lizmarie. I want to be her personal servant and serve her for the rest of my life. Despite it building up resentment and possibly being unhealthy, I would choose her over and over again. I would think of her over and over again.
I have known this woman for 3-4 years now and I honestly believe that I would still get nervous over her. Like in a typical romance story where one gets nervous over the other. I was afraid of what she would think of me as, especially as Andrew since I was a Demon King after all. I'm not like Caleb who is an Angel King. I was afraid of rejection from her because she means a lot to me. The game that I come from is notorious for having incest after all and I was the executioner of the Xhao Zuozhe company too.
You know, with everything that has happened to the Xhao Zuozhe company, it's pretty reasonable on why some of us became villains. We stopped caring more and more about what was morally acceptable. You could say we have been failed by the system and by our friends misunderstanding us that we started having homicidal ideations. Those ideations would be translated in our writings of course. Detailed and specific enough to scare the living daylights out of those traitors.
Perhaps I am a killer who killed my former friends because they simply mean so much to me. To lose them means that they should simply die then. It felt like death had taken them away from me after all. The truth is, they voluntarily left me and I couldn't accept that. It is very upsetting to see your closest friends who you spend so much time with to just block you after one mistake or multiple mistakes. It was where I was seriously mentally unstable. The fact that they LEFT me made me even more unstable.
Of course my mind led into personality splittings where I may or may not have a dissociative disorder. I ended up probably developing Borderline Personality Disorder in the chaos that was happening as I was adjusting through college. It was so bad that I was failing my classes and had to go to a mental hospital multiple times.
I would order myself to write their deaths and I as Andrew would personally hunt them down for betraying me. I want to haunt them just like they haunt me with their memories. I will make their deaths famous one day. They shall know the pain that they have caused me and the pain that I desire to inflict on them back. I will let the world know that they are traitors who deserve to be left behind too.
All I have left are memories that haunt me. Ghostings in which I don't even know why my friends have decided to leave me. I also have many unanswered questions and multiple painful backstabbings from them. They caused me to die multiple times. I will cause their deaths too….
Perhaps making my former friends' loved ones forget about them will psychologically cause them the most pain. After all, they left me after being horrified by me. To be forgotten means to be dead in ORV words anyways. I was once feeling very lonely so I will make sure these assholes are all alone too. Hm, wouldn't it be terrifying if I killed them and got away with it by erasing them from this world? That's what happened in Spiderman: No Way Home with Peter Parker after all.
When Lizmarie kills me in this life, I hope I become a writer in my next life too. I love to write after all. I declare that Lizmarie will kill me in this life because I wanted to die the same way Kim Dokja died when he first became the Demon King of Salvation. I too want to die by the person I love the most.
[ Poetry writing to Lizmarie has begun
That woman named Lectora
Is the world I wish to save.
I would annihilate the entire human race
If that was the cost of saving her.
I would regress an endless amount
If it means that I can see her once more.
I would write an infinite number of chapters
Just to entertain her.
I would sacrifice myself.
Allow her to stab me in the heart.
Be her personal puppet.
If she is a god,
Then I am her eternal follower. ]
I never realized that what I'm doing is considered hard work in terms of my writing. My friend named Mio told me that my hard work will eventually pay off. She was someone who gave me lots of repeated compliments that my writing was good. She was also the same person who said my first poem in this chapter made her cry.
I too hope many people will read ORV's Sequel and this story I'm writing too. I realized that I was writing in hopes of finding answers by reading ORV. Afterall, ORV was my salvation, it wasn't just mere entertainment to me.
Watching the bus suddenly pass by, I quickly ran towards it so I could get on. Thankfully, I got there just in time. ORV felt like a parental figure to me, having me learn about things and giving me more knowledge that I didn't know previously beforehand.
I often wondered how I could move on from Lizmarie. The answer is the fact that I can't and I should possibly reread my old conversations with her to see if I may really want to re-establish my friendship with her. She had different viewpoints than I did. She hoped that I could move on from her and not go back to her. Truth is, I will always return back to her whether she agrees with my choice or not.
I became a regressor so I could understand Yoo Joonghyuk better. It felt like he searched for Kim Dokja to find answers. It resonated with me because I wanted to find Lizmarie for answers too. I prayed that I could spend the rest of my life with her. Did Yoo Joonghyuk also think this way too?
I wanted the words of my story to be spread around the world. I wanted this world to know how much I loved Lizmarie. I wanted to marry her for god's sake. How the hell could I move on from such a beautiful goddess?