A long semester of working/playing/joking and being tired has finally ended. Now, it's time for semester two. This semester I have to be on my stuff, I don't have time for night school or summer school. So to make sure I do this I am gonna try my hardest, meaning I'm gonna at least TRY to study. Even though I don't wanna..man this is gonna be tough and rough at the same time, however this means ima be forcing myself to word hard. Though I know I'm depressed, I have to keep working.
I also don't want my friends worrying about me, so I have to lie and say "I'm ok"..words that have been passed/tossed around a lot. Though whoever heard them becomes thoughtless and do not think twice. Fake smiles have been used as a "mask" to hide your "true face". These masks become you every day weapon to combat the worrisome people, though secretly you asking for help. But on the inside..
Sunday 6:53 pm;
Being depressed is kinda good, how? Well it helps you think. When your depressed you go somewhere away from people..some place where you can think, listen to music, or cry. Me I just think or listen to music..I don't cry, because I can't. I tried but in order to I have to give myself. I guess my heart is "dry".
So lately I've been listening to "Murder on my mind" and "I don't wanna do this anymore".. I've been thinking about death and Alexandra, plus my friend Passion. Like me she's been through a lot, but unlike me she wants to commit suicide.. I tried talking to her but idk, I feel as if she's not listening...Besides talking to Passion today, I also talked to Sebastian. We're we're just talking, joking and laughing. Though at this point I don't know if it was a "true" laugh. I also read comic books of got this app named WEBTOON.. my favorite comic is "Unordinary" though I need to start back on reading "Tower Of God" I think it was okay but then I stopped reading it, I don't know why though...
I wonder if you can see me? Or imagine me as your reading this..a light skinned boy with short hair, Golden shorts and a blue tank top lying in bed. He extends his left arm towards the ceiling, the boy then clenches his fist and swings it down on the bed.
"Dang it! Why am I like this? So weak yet unemotional, so strong yet sensitive..so angry yet so caring why!?! Why do I think about others, why do I help others. Though they don't help me, nor care about me. Why do I have so many people who care for me, they say their my friends but can I trust em? I only trust a few people.. and that's Ally,Sebastian and Passion.
Why (I have murder on my mind) does it (I have murder on my mind) always (I have murder on my mind) end up like this.. am I stuck? (I dont)What is it? (Wanna do this)What do I really want?.what the point of being happy if everything wants to make you upset?.." the boy then closes his eyes and starts to think, after a few minutes he stares up at the ceiling. "I hate this, plus I got school tomorrow..this sucks"
After being lazy for a bit I got up and started setting up my clothes for tomorrow, since I might have to run for gym I was thinking about wearing grey sweatpants and a matching jacket. Or maybe jeans and the grey jacket. After a few minutes I just gave up and sat on my bed. I then grabbed my phone and started thinking, "hmmm..who should I call" was what I was thinking about. I thought about calling Sebastian but I second guessed myself, I don't know why though. I just thought he might be busy I guess. So..I decided to get on YouTube..and eventually I'll switch and get on WEBTOON then listen to music, and restart the cycle I guess.