Hmm.
Hey.
I hope you all have been well.
Me?
Bah...
Not so well, I guess.
But I don't have time or energy to care.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to come off so low and heavy, I've just had a very...
Long morning.
I'll be okay.
I will.
I always am, you know?
That's part of what it is to be me; I have no choice but to be strong.
But how long can that last?
Who saves the Knight when he is in need of saving?
Hmm.
I will let you all get to what you came for, and I'll see you on the way out, yeah?
Enjoy.
-----
September 1st, 2013.
Journal #080.
-----
"Sometimes I wish you didn't love me so much."
It's crazy how I agree with that...
It's crazy more how I couldn't stop loving her if I wanted to.
It's stupid...
All of it.
I told her not to worry about me.
I meant it.
I'll be fine.
I always am.
Everyone tells me that I think too much, but I don't think so.
I wouldn't think it if I wasn't supposed to...
I think I am walking towards a gingerbread house.
Why do I always want what I can't have?
Hmmm.
Love is stupid,
And maybe everyone who is in love is stupid as well.
As a child, I kept my walls up.
I fought alone.
Maybe that's how I should be now?
As much as she is afraid to hurt me, I'm afraid to be hurt...
But fear isn't real, it's all in our heads...
Just like loneliness.
I could never compare to him.
Part of me just knows these things...
How women work.
Six years is a long time to love someone...
XXXXX asked me this:
"Could you wait forever?"
At the time, I said yes.
But forever is a long time to be alone.
Anything could happen.
Life...
God gives you everything you want, but he only gives you half.
I have the half that I am meant to have, and I can't do anything but accept that, right?
I can tell that she has a problem with everyone telling her what she "should" or "could" do.
I think that's my fault.
I was selfish...
Writing poems.
Telling her how I feel all the time.
Changing her heart.
I shouldn't do those things.
I shouldn't have.
I made her life more complicated than it had to be.
More than it already is.
Some people are meant to be happy, some sad.
Some angry.
Some depressed.
Who am I to try to change her path with my "light"?
Hers or anyone else's...
I always want what I can't have.
I don't even know what I'm looking for.
I think my mind is fracturing again.
Just when I'd found balance.
Control.
I need to fix myself.
I need to shut the world out.
I need to be content with being her best friend and play the role that I was given, because that's the half god gave me.
I might seem like I'm always calm and in control, but inside...
In reality?
My heart and mind are a massive battlefield.
I show people my mask and don't let anyone close enough to see the blood and scars behind it.
I push people away...
I'm cursed to never be 100% happy or able to make someone 100% happy.
See?
I have half.
And she's reading this and thinking I'm crazy.
I swear, I forget that she reads it all...
I guess I don't mind.
Why should I?
What do I have to hide?
My mind is an open book, but my life is and will always be behind this mask.
Until...
Whenever.
-----
Bah.
-I forgot that she sat and read all of this.
I really did.
She was simply studying me, you know?
She literally got into my head, and I let her.
I feed her all of the ammunition she could possibly need in order to both control and destroy me.
And she did.
I let her tear me down and make me feel like I wasn't worthy of anything, let alone HER love.
That shit is hella toxic.
I hope she reads this series, since she was so keen on keeping me but not wanting me.
I hope that she reads this and realizes what she did to me and how she destroyed me.
You can try to give someone the world, but they won't be happy until they have the moon.
Bah, again.
-I think I am genuinely cursed. I can't seem to make anyone happy in any substantial way, and I am just not meant to be happy...
I get half.
Even now, as I type this.
I get half of most things, and the other half is just not for me.
I hate it.
Truly, I do.
But what can I do about that?
I don't have any power over what the Universe, or God, has in mind...
I get what I get, and I get over it and be content.
Like these books of mine.
I have a small, loyal readership.
Will I ever be published or sign a contract so I can live off of my passion and stop working for someone else?
Nope.
Bah, and bah again.
-She told me that she wished that I didn't love her so much, and I shrugged it off.
I was so madly in love with the IDEA of her.
Of us.
I was so infatuated with her that I was lost in the darkness that surrounded her, and I thought that THAT was how love was supposed to be.
I was the f@cking idiot through most of my last relationship.
I let her tear me down.
I let her tear me apart.
I let all of that shitty shit happen to me, and I will never let anything close to it happen again.
I would rather stay single for the rest of my life.
-I grew out of that old mask of mine.
I did.
It is much harder to maintain a falsity.
A persona.
It takes far more energy to hide who we are than it does to just live authentically.
Just be yourself, Folks.
The right person will find you.
-That war that raged inside of me? It has lessened itself considerably.
It is now just a series of small battles.
Battles that I both win and lose daily.
I think that is part of being human and being emotionally self-aware.
-Figure out your role in the lives of those around you, and stay in that lane. Pushing into other lanes is costly and dangerous, believe me.
-I am one who needs to isolate in order to heal, you know?
Time alone does it for me because I tend to hurt very deeply. I remember how long it took me to get all of the "shards" of my mind to come together and make an image that made sense.
I was very...fractured as a kid, and it bled into my adulthood in the form of insecurities. It took me taking courses in Early Childhood Psychology to start to see and understand my own trauma, and to address and work on it.
She really cared only for herself. She read my old journals and used the information to pick me apart and destroy my walls and mental balance, all so that she could keep me where she wanted me.
Bah, and bah again.
-I've come to learn that I can't save anyone but myself, and that can be hard to do at times, you know?
Not because it is necessarily a challenging thing to do, but more so because that would require me to change who I am at a very deep, structural level.
It pains me to say no or not do something for others in a way that I can't easily explain.
I feel deep and resounding guilt if I am capable of doing something and I choose not to.
I know it probably isn't very healthy, but I am much better at it than I used to be.
Sometimes you just have to say fuck that and fuck them, lbvs.
-I didn't intend to love bomb her; nonetheless, that is exactly what I was/ended up doing. I knew from a very early point in what I call our "continued friendship" that I was not her type, yet I persisted.
I bought her things.
Took her places.
Introduced her as "my lady" to people I knew.
Could she have turned down the gifts? Yes.
Could she not have let me take her out and about? Yes.
Could she have corrected me after I introduced her that way? Yes.
I was also well-versed in the Mere Exposure Effect and how to utilize it to my best advantage.
I suppose that did make me a bit manipulative in that way... but I was in the mindset of:
"Let me hang out with her and show her MY world and how I live and see things, then maybe that will get her to fall in love with me."
I didn't and would never intentionally manipulate her or anyone else.
I just wanted her to love me as I loved her.
Regardless of my "Best intentions", that is/was still selfish of me in some ways.
That is where we differ greatly.
She KNEW that she had ZERO chance or ability to love me in that way, and she chose to hang around and bait me in with a dream of something that would NEVER be.
Something she KNEW would never be.
That is a whole different type of selfish, right?
"Two wrongs don't make a right."
And takers will take and take and take.
They have no limit.
Imagine this:
YOU make $20.00 an hour, and you have no idea that I make $100.00 an hour, but I know that I make that much more than you.
Every day you give me $10.00 for lunch out of the kindness of your heart, regardless of the economy or anything else you are going through.
You make sure you have that $10.00 for me.
I make sure that I take it, and I spend it.
One day, you learn that I make $100.00 an hour, and you are NOT happy with me.
You confront me and ask me why I would continue to take what I never needed.
I tell you: "I took it because I knew you would give it to me."
How would that make you feel?
I personally feel as if that would make ME a pretty shitty person, and I would not be an example of a good friend.
I know that was deeper than it could have been as an example, lmao, but LISTEN!
LOL.
Takers will take.
Be careful who you pour into, and how often.
Make sure that they are worth that pour, you know?
I poured into her for 8.5 years, and as we argued in the last dying days, she looked me straight in my eyes and said:
"I was comfortable, and I knew you would never leave me."
She wasn't saying it to hurt me; she meant it.
I felt that more than anything that I had ever felt in our entire relationship.
Hmm.
That's $10.00 a day that you gave me, for 3104.5 days.
Hmm.
I can't say that I wasted my time, although it feels that way at times.
It was a long series of lessons learned, and now I can love the right one properly.
Hmm, indeed.
-That million-dollar question. The woman who had asked me?
She was the woman that I was dating before I got with the Goth.
She was the one that I left for the Goth.
She is the one to whom I owe the greatest apology.
Back then, I thought I could wait forever.
I was so smitten by her.
Sheesh.
Forever would have become real had I not left.
If you know, you know.
-Don't compare yourself to other people; it will only leave you unfulfilled and hollow. Be the best version of yourself. The Universe will ever know only one YOU.
Shine brightly.
I let my star fade, but it is getting its shine back.
-I still don't think fear is real.
It simply holds us back.
Oftentimes, I've come to find that on the other side of fear is nearly everything that we could ever want.
Making that leap is terrifying.
Loneliness is similar in that way.
It often times just is what we make of it, and many of us can't seem to differentiate between being alone and being lonely.
Take a step back and ask yourself: "Am I anxious because I am alone, or am I anxious because I don't know what to do with my alone time?"
When I first left my ex, it was hard for me to be alone, and I often felt that I was really lonely.
I would fill my downtime with people who didn't deserve my time or my energy.
It took me a bit of time to realize how valuable my time and energy were, and that takers will take and take and take and take.
Now I save $8.00-$10.00 a day, lmao.
-I still kind of think love is stupid, lbvs.
Having fallen into -and out of- it more than enough times in my 36 years.
Stupidity is simply doing something you know you shouldn't.
Conversely, we could call love just as ignorant, for ignorance is just doing something without ever being given proper knowledge of how to do it.
Love is pretty stupid, lol.
I guess we are all ignorant our first few times around.
Hmm.
Stupignorant.
We are all simply Stupignorant.
-Remember that old story about how those kids found that gingerbread house, and it was just a trap set by a witch?
I don't even like gingerbread, lbvs.
But witches?
She had some sort of spell over me, of that, I am sure.
-Till this day, I tend to overthink.
But you know what? I've embraced the better part of it and balanced the other part with CBD and THC products.
The "Synthetic" to my "Sunset", if you will.
We all have our vices, yeah?
I am sure I could be doing much worse.
-At the end of the day, she showed me more than enough red flags, and I was just far too captivated by her at the time to see them for what they were.
I was a bit full of myself as well, thinking that I could save her from not only her ex but herself.
Her own demons.
Sheesh.
Don't waste time chasing.
Let the attention and attraction be mutual, or not at all.
Happiness comes with synergy.
Thank you all for not falling asleep, lbvs!
This one has been a bit lengthy!
I love and appreciate you all, and thank you for 119.81K English views, and an additional 48.06K Spanish views!
You all mean the world to me, you know?
See you back here soon enough, yeah?
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.