*A poem that I had written for her when we were friends, still before anything intimate had ever taken place, even. My view of her and her situation with her ex was so twisted that these words don't even seem like my own.
-----
Where do I start?
I can't say,
Because I don't know.
But I can see it all behind your eyes.
The fear you hide.
All the pain you refuse to show.
-
And I can't tell you that I understand
Because I know I never will.
How could I?
All that you've been through.
You are fractured,
And you may never heal...
-
I look at you and I can see a cocoon.
So beautiful under the moon.
But your heart is deflated
Like a child's balloon.
And your mind is so crowded
So shrouded in gloom.
-
But from an outsider's view
I can see that this isn't who
You want to be.
You like the pain because it makes you feel so alive.
You long for tears
Because you'd rather cry
Then bleed.
And I would rather see you climb,
To fly, succeed.
But he...
-
Oh, that man you've loved for so many, many years.
The shadow before the dawn.
The captor of all your fears.
My opinion is my own...
But you know how
He makes you feel.
He "loves" you, but he
Cuts you deep...
Reopens wounds before they heal...
I don't think he's given you an example of a love
That was even remotely real...
---
But that's just me...
I'm sorry...
I can't apologize for all the bad things he's done to you.
I know it wasn't always bad,
You've spoken of his good side, too.
But maybe,
Just maybe
It's not really him,
It could be you.
No, No, You can not be
To blame for all the shit
He's put you through.
But you...
You can only be the only you
That you are so true to.
And if he can't accept that you
Are you
And show that he's loyal too
Then what can you do?
-
When a man turns to cheating
It's not because his heart is cold
Believe me, it's always beating.
It's because who he is with
Is missing something
That he thinks he's needing.
-
Love, sex, money, time.
Dedication, drama, clarity of the mind?
A man doesn't cheat just to have sex.
He gives his body to find what's... next
-
So, you can only be who you are,
And if he can't see the pain,
The scars
Then he isn't looking very far...
You are a planet,
And he's seeing stars
We've had this talk,
You know what stars are.
-
I thought to myself:
"Maybe, just maybe...he is acting this way because you two lost the baby."
But then I realized
That thought was crazy
Because he did his dirty deeds
Before the baby
Before everything became hazy...
-
How could he not see the emptiness you carry inside?
How could he not feel the very pain that you so skillfully hide?
How dare he say that he was always there?
That he tried...
What a lie.
I have to apologize because I can only write what I believe is true.
I would never be so cruel.
My words aren't meant to hurt you.
-
I don't know how it feels to lose something so dear.
Something so amazing.
Someone you've never met, yet your heart and body hold so near.
And as I write this, I can't help but shed a tear.
I'm here...
But "here" is never near enough
For someone like you,
So very tough.
You've been through so much.
Too much.
Too much.
And the love is now fear,
Every touch is too much...
-
The thought of loving again
Is hard for you to imagine.
Those years of loving him
Has turned your heart into a dragon.
And love from someone good
Is enough to make you maddened.
So alone you'd rather be in life,
A thought that leaves me saddened.
-
I can see the walls around your heart
Better than you can.
If losing a child
Didn't close your soul,
I know that losing two can.
But I know this darkness isn't permanent,
If I can't break it, you can.
That dream of bearing a child
Could still come true
If you'd open your heart to a true man...
-
Who knows what the future holds?...
No one can know.
The future is yet untold.
You'd never know.
Even in the worst of places
A flower could grow.
The rain even touches the desert.
Even the broken can become whole...
-
I know that inside you feel so hollow.
And I'm trying my best to follow.
But I'm fighting for tomorrow
Because that shadow before dawn
Is quick to follow.
If I could just borrow
Your sorrow
I'd destroy it.
But would that destroy you?
I know that deep inside
A part of you needs
The pain you're going through...
-
I can remember the walls you've built.
I've dreamed of knocking them down...
I've dreamed of healing your heart.
It's possible even with all the pain around.
But would your darkness undo me?
Or could my light be the beam
Of hope that helps you see?
-
All of the things you've gone through
Have tied you
To a dark depression.
The pain you hold inside
Is linked to all
The recollections.
And memories are forged
In steel.
Stored away
From your selection.
I hope to replace
Some of the bad
With good
Through our connection...
Your heart is like your home state.
So dark and disconnected.
Let me be
Your energy
Your heart and soul
I'll reconnect it.
-
Because the dark isn't the place
For such a radiant lady.
And I know you feel
The change I feel.
Your mind had lightened
A few shades lately.
-
You are broken, but not lost.
I'll reach you, no matter the cost.
And even if it costs
All the rest of my spare parts,
I'll convert your rendered heart
From its hardened state
To soft.
-
And I can't promise to make your heart or life flawless.
But I know I can save you from the spreading fear,
The call of the lawless.
But in the end, it's all in your hands.
Just keep your faith,
God has a plan.
In the darkness you won't remain,
There is always a lighter place to stand.
-
I won't promise that I will save you
But I'll give you love you can relate to.
And in that, I'll elevate
Your dark side
I could sate too.
-
In the end,
All I hope is
That you find the light.
And that everything
You need,
You find.
And all the wrongs
Are set to right.
And no matter what happens between us
In the end
You'll still be
My best friend.
No matter how the world
Should see us.
----
Hmm.
Yeah, nope.
None of this makes sense, knowing what I know now.
I still wish her the best, just as far away from ME as humanly possible.
Hate, and most of its accompanying or similar feelings, are super heavy.
I chose not to carry those things inside of me.
I feel them and I let them go.
They are no longer mine.
They are no longer for me.
I hope that she reads this, remembers my words, and NEVER reaches out to me.
EVER.
Seriously.
She left all of the scars that I could ever imagine getting.
She taught me all of the worst lessons that 10 relationships could have taught me.
I was asked the other day:
"If you could go ten years into the future, then return and change things, or go ten years into the past and change things, which would you pick?
I instantly said I would go back.
I would go back, and I would make myself leave her.
No matter where we were or what we were doing.
"But you wouldn't be who you are now!"
I know this.
You want to know something?
O.L.K. Volume 01 & 02.
Shadows before dawn.
Fox & Faux.
Dear You. N.T.M.F.C.
And even Sunsets & Synthetics...
All of that would never have been written.
Not a single part.
But I was a writer at heart, and all of that was inside of me.
It just needed fuel.
I fueled it with the pain, agony, sadness, loneliness, and anger that came from all that she did to me and all that I let happen to me.
I could have and would have found a different fuel source.
Like happiness.
Joy.
HEALTHY LOVE.
Kindness.
Caring.
Synergy.
Balance.
Maybe had I left her ten years ago, I would be married with a child or two by now, you know?
Hmm.
I won't drag on, lol.
I hope that you all are doing well, and I will see you all in the next chapter, yeah?
Safe travels, Folks.
Thanks for sticking it out through that cringy shit, lmao.
I love you all.
As always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.