29/4/25, Tuesday
I was reading Rumi's Daughter and some things written there made a lot more sense than they were supposed to.
He's exactly like Shams. Shams was a great person, but not a good husband. Same was the case with him. Kimya struggled with Shams' changing moods, and so did I. He's an amazing person, yes, but such people have trouble being good partners since they're so submerged in their work and themselves that there is little time for relationships.
Kimya's marriage reminded me of my friendship with him. It was hard, unpredictable, and made me always wonder what his mood would be, which was very frustrating. A line in the book clearly states what I felt and am still feeling right now. It felt like the answer to my predicament:
"In the midst of the total desolation, she had come to realize that instead of being anchored in God, she had become dependent on Shams' ever-changing moods, and so lost her center. Now she understood! Without center there was only pain. That made the whole difference! Love, real love, was like looking at someone through God's window. The rest was attachment, and attachment was like falling out of the window."
That was exactly what I had done. I liked that he liked God, and I had told myself that I wouldn't get attached like I did with my old best friend, but I still ended up doing just that. I got attached. And when you try to look for Allah through someone else, that is when trouble starts. It isn't pretty or fun. It's painful and it destroys you. Attachment destroys people. My attachment with Areej had destroyed me, and now my attachment with him was doing the same.
It started great, even romantically from my side, but in the end it ended up ruining me. This is exactly what happens when you love someone other than Allah and use someone else to find Him. Because the moment your relationship with that person fails, so does your iman, and you end up feeling so lost that you even start hating them too because they can't give you what you want. And it isn't their fault either. You're looking for love—the kind you can only get from Allah. How can we find that in a human being? That's just setting yourself up for hardship, just like I had, yet again.
2/5/25
I hate to admit it, but somewhere along the way, I fell for him, and I fell hard. Maybe not for him as a person, but more so for the idea of him. I had even imagined living with him, imagined him meeting my grandfather, and my grandfather liking him because he's good with old people. From day one, I thought of him as a potential spouse. I had been imagining my future with him for so long that I somehow convinced myself he'd ask me out any day. As if he were a potential option.
I even rejected someone who liked me because I was so in love with him—or rather, with the idea of us living together. But some things did bother me.
He didn't give value to my thoughts. He wouldn't let me talk or finish; he would just continue giving his own opinions. It felt like a lecture more than a conversation.
There were times when he'd say something so absurd that it would make me question…
7/5/25, Wednesday
We had a holiday today. I woke up missing him. I don't know why that happened. It had been quite some time since we last talked, and nothing had happened recently that should have made me think of him. Yet there I was, thinking of him the moment I woke up. It reminded me of those days when we were talking and I'd wake up thinking of him, or when I missed him so much because it had been a while since we talked, and then I'd randomly get a text from him.
I don't know how it happened, but it always did. Whenever I had the burning ache to talk to him or missed him deeply, he'd text me out of nowhere. Nothing of that sort happened today. There were no texts.
I don't like how we've drifted apart. I miss how we used to be. We would have been separated eventually anyway, but I don't like how that separation has already crept into the little time we had left.
At night too, I found myself thinking of him. I even went to check my mother's phone to see if he'd only blocked me. He had removed his profile picture, something he used to do before too. Whenever he did that, he usually wasn't online. Then after a while, his DP would be back and he'd be online and active again. I wonder why that was. A part of me still hopes that this is why he isn't texting me nowadays, that he just needs time for himself.
With the war that has started, my anxiety has peaked. I just hope he's alright—mentally and emotionally. I pray the best for him.
8/5/25
I had a dream about him. Even in the dream, he was unreachable. We had gone to a charity event, or maybe it was a dua event, but I was there with my friends and looking for him. I thought he'd be there since it was his duty and he's usually at events like these, but he wasn't. I saw someone who looked like him from the back, but it wasn't him. It was someone else, and that made me sad.
I don't remember the rest of the dream now since there is stress because of the threat of war.