After yesterday, I didn't feel like going to the camp, but I had already committed so I went. The camp surprisingly went smoothly. I had never arranged one before so I took help from a colleague.
He kept calling me over and it made me embarrassed because the rest of my friends were there too and I knew they'd misunderstand because he matched the description of my library crush too well. One of them looked way too suspicious of us. I had a guy who liked me there too so it was hella awkward to have them all there.
He even called me and told my colleague that I looked weird in scrubs and that I wasn't like that at the library. I was obviously very mad and embarrassed and chose not to stay because no one knew I knew him before. I'd told everyone that I'd met him for work. That's what everyone knew, even my colleague, and I'd told him this too, yet he revealed that. It made me so angry. I couldn't understand why he would do that.
He was also being so clingy. I was keeping my distance but he'd call me over and whisper in my ear about stuff. It was so embarrassing. Old me would've melted, but now that I didn't think of him like that, it just made it uncomfortable and inconvenient for me because he was driving away potential future partners. I didn't want anyone thinking I was committed when I wasn't.
The day was really hectic for me as it was my first time and I was running everywhere. He forced me to take a break which I eventually did. The event was a success. It was fun. I really liked organizing the event. Made me so proud of myself. Then we took pics with his team and left. Later on I sent thank-you texts to his team and then fell sick. I had fever from overworking myself.
The rest of them teased me the next day after camp saying how we'd look really cute together, and that we both liked the same things so we should just get together. My grandma also said the same, making me embarrassed. He later told me his friend had said the same thing to him, but now it didn't hold the same meaning. I just thought of him as a friend. I realized I liked to spend time with him but even back when I had limerencistic tendencies and was obsessing over him, I'd calculated and thought of a million possibilities and all led to the same conclusion — that I wouldn't be able to spend time with him and live with him. I'd be the one who'd always be compromising and though it would seem nice at first, our core values didn't match and we'd end up fighting and I'd end up sad. We both needed someone who would take care of us and that was a really bad combo. He could not take care of my emotional needs and I couldn't take care of his. It was bound to be doomed.
He sent one for us and it's not that I wanted credit for the event and that's why I did it. It wasn't that at all, but he didn't even mention me. He went on and on about my colleague being a good person and didn't even mention me or the rest of the volunteers even once. I agreed because my colleague really was an amazing person but it felt like mine and the rest of the volunteers' efforts were being downplayed.
I think what made this stand out was the fact that I'd been in contact with him for two weeks trying to get this arrangement done, but he'd always make up excuses and kept on delaying it. Even the day when my colleague called him, he had said no to me — that was the reason I'd handed it over to my colleague — because he had ignored me again and been delaying it, but one call from my colleague (the call too only lasting five minutes) and he finalized it and said no confirmation from our institute was needed (even though that was the issue he'd been raising with me).
And that made me so angry. I felt like my efforts were not valued and I was being taken for granted, so I decided to break what was left of our emotional bond and finally call it quits. Things only went south after that.
I was free after so long from clinic. In my attempt to work on myself, I started too many things all at once and ended up overworking and overburdening myself. I took it too far. I was working for the camp, arranging stuff, managing volunteers, dealing with payments, getting in contact with the place where we would have the camp, ordering materials, preparing for my research symposium and working at a clinic after my day job to get experience. Usually I went there after work and came home late. I was working for 12 hours, finishing my work in the remaining 4 and then slept and it started again. At the same time, I caught a viral infection, so I was sick too. I hardly had any time for myself that month. I barely had time to sleep.
So when today after so long I just went to the clinic and came back (with me being done with the poster competition and research work), it made me realize how we take some things for granted. Our health. Our free time. The chance to spend time with our loved ones. The option to go out, to have fun. These are things we take for granted when we have too much time on our hands.
I used to be free and was frustrated and ended up doing nothing with my day. In the end, I joined a clinic along with my day job to learn stuff to get busy. After coming back, I'd do research or volunteer work and in the end I overworked myself so much that during that time I got sick. I couldn't eat anything, I was throwing up in the morning, I had joint aches, my whole body hurt and lacked energy and then it eventually got to the point where I had to show up even when I didn't want to, but I couldn't leave. I didn't have the strength or mental willpower to do even the most basic stuff, and it sucked.
The sickness I'm talking about started two weeks after my overworking fiasco. It was a normal viral, but because I wasn't resting or eating anything, it ended up dragging to three weeks, and even now I have really bad weakness. I sometimes have trouble just lifting my arms and my body. I have zero energy and I feel sleepy and tired all the time. My ankles and heels hurt and legs and joints hurt while walking. I'm pushing through even though my body and mind have given up. I don't have energy to do even the most basic stuff. Just writing this is making me sleepy.
Long story short: it's not worth it. Nothing is greater than your health. I didn't realize this before, but I'm starting to now. I was scared I wouldn't earn much, that I was behind everyone and that I should be fast, should finish what everyone does in two years in one. But with my current scenario, I can hardly do any work. And trust me, it isn't worth it. Plus, progress-wise too you suffer. All the progress I made in the first week went down the drain. I did make progress in week one, yes, but for that even three weeks later I'm suffering and the progress I'd have made normally, I struggled with that. Out of those ten working days, I only worked six; the rest of the four I was unable to work because my mental and physical health didn't allow it. So trust me, it isn't worth it.
I was dying for some time for myself.