28.02.2025
Our last meeting was on Sunday. I thought that would be the end of our friendship, but it actually ended the day before yesterday. I knew it would happen sooner or later because I was living on borrowed time. I wish I had made use of those two discussions we had in between. Instead, I sat there bored, hiding my true self. But maybe it was meant to happen this way. If it had not, I would never have had the strength to leave.
He was right. Ishq-e-Haqiqi is not bad. Even if it fails, it brings you closer to God. And I think that is what is happening to me now. I did want a romantic relationship, but at the same time I was scared it would ruin what I had with him. Fights would take away the peaceful conversations. There was also the fact that he did not want to work, and I believed that a man should. That would have caused fights too. Or maybe it wouldn't, who knows.
We never got to the point where we could find out.....
01.03.2025
I knew from the start that this would not end well, but I was overconfident. I wasn't even supposed to approach him, let alone have conversations with him. I'd told myself the knowledge I was getting in return was worth the heartbreak. I thought I would be able to live with it.
Looking back, there were so many signs. I think i know why this happened. I know why i was attracted to him (aside from the obvious fact that he was handsome and my type.) The first reason was how much he resembled my old best friend. I hate to admit it, but i was repeating old patterns. I was trying to heal myself through him because he reminded me of her.
With her, though, I'd never missed her as a person; I only missed the deep conversations we had and how she changed my mindset. I thought if I got that same thing with him, I would not miss her anymore. I convinced myself it wasn't her I longed for, but the talks.
We also talked about connection and attachment. He'd said, "Connection doesn't hurt, attachment does." It was an aha moment because it was true. What was hurting me was my attachment to him. He once told me it was like we were two travelers who found shade under the same tree for a while, and then moved on. Even back then, his words pierced me. I knew it meant this would not last long, that our talks would end soon. And that's exactly what happened.
I thought this time it would be better, but it wasn't. Yesterday and even today, I felt like crying. I couldn't bring myself to actually cry, but the urge was there and it was killing me. The anxiety was back too. Maybe the real issue was that instead of filling my heart with Allah's love, I filled it with love for another human being. First with Areej, now with him. And here I am, suffering again.
06.03.2025
The attraction has finally started to fade, and things feel a little more normal. I have been praying to God to help me decide, and maybe that's why.
When I first started liking him, I got video recommendations about limerence. I did not believe it at the time. But a few days back, during Ramadan, I saw another video. Because my heart was calmer, I was able to watch it with a neutral perspective. I realised that limerence was exactly what I was experiencing. It made sense, because as soon as Ramadan started, my attraction and attachment faded.
Yesterday, he texted me asking how my Ramadan was going. It was around 3 p.m. Instead of feeling happy, I felt annoyed. I thought he wouldn't text during Ramadan. Now I felt obliged to reply. I didn't answer until after iftar, but then I gave in. I should have just ended it with a simple Alhamdulillah, but instead I started ranting about my day and how unwell I felt. The conversation fizzled out, but the guilt stayed.
11.03.2025
It has been some time since we chatted. After his first message, the conversation carried on for a while. He would text daily, asking about my health. Now that I feel better, I can't think of an excuse to text him back. I know it's my turn, but I don't know what to say.
It is always the same cycle. I feel like crying, then I make sense of it, I move on, and just when I do, he texts again. And I go back to thinking if I should consider him. The worst part is that I'm debating this when he hasn't even given me a sign. He hasn't shown any indication of interest, yet I am imagining every possible scenario. It's exhausting and I know it's feeding my anxiety.
My anxiety has been bad for three days now, since Sunday. I thought it would pass, but it hasn't. And the problem is, he was the one who first gave me tips on calming down. So now I find myself wanting to ask him again. But how? Should I just say, "Hey, I have a new issue, help me"? It feels silly.
My routine is also broken, and my iman feels low. I missed all my salah yesterday, and even today I didn't feel like praying. The guilt is heavy, especially in Ramadan. I thought skipping prayers would help me rest, but it only made me feel worse. I feel like I offended Allah, and that is why my heart feels restless again.
Part of me wants to go back and read all the quotes I copied from him in my diary, hoping it will restore that sense of calm. But I know the truth. The time I used to spend in meditation and thinking, I now spend replying to voice notes and long texts. It takes thirty to forty-five minutes every day, and it has become part of my routine. If I skip it, I feel something is missing. I overloaded my day, and now I am paying for it with anxiety and guilt.