Emptiness. A white void. There was nothing. There was no one. Not even a "me." I knew I was there because I could see, but there was nothing when I looked down. I knew I had a body, I could touch myself, not in that way, you pig. I was also standing. I could move, run, jump, but I couldn't see anything I was doing.
I walked for a while, until, in one of the thousands of blinks I made, an entire world appeared before me.
It was a dirt road, with a beautiful grassy field on the right, and a few beautiful flowers here and there. To my left, there was another beautiful thing; a forest. I could feel as if, within it, there were thousands of creatures I'd never seen before. The trees didn't look rigid. They had a smooth surface and leaves that you'd mistake for the flowers on the other side of the road. On this road, there were four silhouettes.
One was tall, about five feet nine to ten, with a slightly slim body, but fit, even if lacking in muscle. He had medium-length brown hair that reached below his ears, hair that gleamed slightly in the sunlight. His eyes were practically black, and he had an average face, if you look at it according to current beauty standards. His figure conveyed warmth.
To the left of this figure, there was another silhouette, between five feet eleven and six feet tall. He was a little wider, but not because he was overweight; he was in shape. He had noticeable muscles, but not exaggerated for his age, which was very admirable on his part. He had short black hair, styled in a very basic style, the most normal and least complex of the four. He had completely black eyes and a fairly robust face, but not unattractive. In addition, you could notice a very light beard on his face, although you wouldn't see it from a distance. His figure conveyed respect.
To the right of the first figure, there was a shorter one, about five feet five, or even a little shorter. His body was very thin, but not malnourished. Enough to be worrying, but still healthy. His hair was slightly black, but not completely black, especially compared to the second figure's. What stood out most was the lock of hair covering his ears, dyed a dark blue that stood out slightly. It didn't ruin the tone of his long hair, which reached halfway down his neck. You might even mistake her for a girl, but it didn't look bad. His appearance was a little unkempt and a bit shy and weak, but beneath all that unkemptness, I felt there was a beautiful and sweet image. His figure conveyed insecurity, but with an undertone of confidence.
The fourth figure was further ahead, behind the other three, so I couldn't get a good look at it. I decided to go after the three people in front of me. I tried to respectfully tell them to move out of the way, but they ignored me. I tapped one of them on the shoulder, but they didn't react. I didn't exist from their perspective. They were motionless. I tried to forcefully move them, but I couldn't do anything. Tired of trying to get them out of the way, I simply walked around them.
I walked across the grassy esplanade, and as I did so, I ended up stepping on many flowers. Although there had been very few before, the ground was now filled with them.
As I passed them, out of nowhere, the forest to my left disappeared. All that was on either side was a sea of flowers radiating energy. It was a scene straight out of a fairy tale. I felt like if I stared at the field any longer, I would burst into tears. I decided to ignore the landscape and go for what I came for: the figure in front of me.
This time it was a woman. She was averagely tall, might be even taller than usual, like five feet seven. She had black hair that was bursting with life and radiated an incomparable glow. It was short, but it reached her neck, and at the tips, there were streaks of a slightly brighter blue than the third silhouette, but still dark. It was also dyed in a gradient. It was a blue that, at first glance, was almost imperceptible, and one would have to be up close to see it, but I felt as if I knew her hair was that way from the start, as if I noticed it from the day she dyed it. Being a woman, her entire figure would be judged, having not so steep curves, but not because she was overweight. She had an ideal weight, or even a bit thin, and it's not as if she looked bad either way. For the most disrespectful and undignified, this figure didn't stand out on either side, but it's not as if she didn't have anything good about her, either. Just perfect enough to not stand out at all, but not be humiliated either. She had blue eyes that contrasted with her hair, and her face was quite decent, slightly above average.
I felt a thousand and one emotions from this figure, all positive. More than half of them, I don't even know how to describe.
I wanted to speak, but I couldn't. I wanted her to turn around, but I couldn't do anything. I felt like the distance between us was like that between the Earth and the sun.
I felt like I was Achilles, trying to catch up with the tortoise, only that I couldn't even start the race.
Without warning, the woman in front of me turned to look at me. As soon as she did, the wind began to blow gently, the flowers in the landscape showing their grace once again.
"Will I look disgusting to her?" "Am I nice enough to look at?" "Will she be scared when she sees me?" A thousand thoughts ran through my mind, but, catching me by surprise, this figure hugged me. I couldn't move. I couldn't thank her. I couldn't reciprocate. I couldn't cry. I could only watch as she hugged me. I could only watch as it all happened.
In this situation, she was the one in control of everything. She decided when to stop, when to leave, and when to do everything. And before leaving me, she whispered something in my ear. It was a word, I know it was a word, one said with sorrow, but I don't remember what she said to me. What did she say? I don't think it's worth losing my mind over it.
After that, the girl stopped hugging me. She walked away from me, step by step, along the dirt road. The flower petals began to fall one by one in the wind. I could only watch. I could never follow her. When I managed to move again, she was gone. Desperate to have someone by my side, I looked behind me, searching for the other silhouettes, and…
I woke up from the dream I was having.
1.
My alarm did. It was strange, because I wasn't in my typical position
I wasn't hugging my pillow, it was on the floor. I must have thrown it away while I was sleeping.
I had breakfast, got dressed, and left the house with Amaya. Again, I was hearing music, so we didn't talk much. Still, if we did, all the people in the train would be looking at us, weirded out.
We're both a threat to society...
When I arrived at the entrance, I only recognized two people, as the third was on vacation at home.
Aside from greeting each other, we didn't say much else. Not because we were angry, just that nothing came up, although I did want to ask &$%"! if his parents had said anything to him or not.
"Hey. I see you've been having fun skipping classes." Said &$%"! as soon as he saw me.
He wasn't lying, I didn't go to class yesterday, though I didn't skip it either. Today was the second day after they got into trouble. The day after that, yesterday, I got sick as soon as I woke up, and stayed home all day. My sister skipped classed to take care of me, even if I told her not to...
"I was sick... I told you through the phone already."
"¿You were with the phone? ¿Oh so you weren't sick then?"
I sighed, with no interest on keeping this silly exchange go on. I'll skip over all the yapping and useless stuff. We didn't really talk about the trouble of two days ago until the change from 2nd to 3rd hour.
"How's it going with the mess?"
"The mess? Oh, yeah…"
"Have your parents said anything to you? I hope they'll let you go to the convention…"
"I explained exactly how it happened. My dad did scold me, though he didn't take it too badly, and my mom even supported me. She told me I should have been the one to start the fight…" When I talked about his mother, he scratched the back of his neck.
If you can tell me calmly and in a positive tone, I suppose you haven't had too many problems...
"What does bother me is the punishment… It's a pain, but hey, it's better than not going here at all."
"I can stay with you, if you want." "It's not like I have anything better to do," I was about to say that, but I'd better not say it. It seemed like a very emo line.
"It's not like they're going to let you…"
"You may be right..."
The other thing I had to ask him about was =@º\'. I hope he's not mad at me anymore.
"And also, have you talked to =@º\' ?"
"Yes, although he only told me that his parents were more angry with him than worried about his injuries. It is strange that his parents specifically were so angry."
"They don't usually do it a lot?"
"It's not that they don't, but they are usually more worried about him than what he's done. I'm not saying they're bad parents either, at least they're not 'retarded', like you say your mother is. The only problem I have is that they're too good."
That was all we had time to say before the teacher came in.
In the library, the only thing that seemed out of place was that the girl who was always there, Tsukiyomi, was staring at me more than usual.
I've combed my hair badly, or are you going to start laughing at what I read?
Obviously, I only looked back at her once, but I'm sure she looked at me more than once while I was reading.
As far as I know, she has two friends in class, but for some reason, she always comes here, and they don't come looking for her either. I guess she wants some time alone. It never hurts. And I'm one to talk too...
Can you stop looking at me? It's too obvious...
Before going home, we agreed to meet in the afternoon.
We talked about meeting up early, since tomorrow is the day of the convention, and we wanted to get up early. _¨*^?¿· said he wanted to do homework, so he didn't go out.
Honestly, I've always wondered if he really considers me a friend. I hardly ever talk to him because he mostly talks to =@º\', so I guess he's not feeling up to it today. It's not like he goes out much anyway…
As usual, I ate with Amaya. Her cooking is always amazing. She has a knack for it, I swear. All that's left is for me to do something with it. I wish I had a girlfriend who cooked this good...
After eating, I opened my closet, to try the thing I wanted to wear so bad.
After putting it on, I went running to the toilet. I saw myself dressed with that outfit on the reflection of the mirror, and as if were the first time I wore it...
"Hihihi! It looks fabulous on me!" I said in a feminine tone, giggling as I clasped my hands together, moving them frantically.
"I just need to comb my hair like his. Let's see if the practice and waiting have been worth it."
Just before doing it, I thought twice. If I used hair gel, it would be a bit hard to get off, and I'd have to shower. And if I make even the slightest noise, I know someone who, given the current situation, will come and laugh at me again.
Oh, speaking of being quiet. I think I've messed up.
"Hehe, you look stupid. No, you are stupid."
I could see someone sticking his head around the door.
How can you go from being an angel to being a flea!?
"N-no! Go away!" Just seeing me dressed like that made my whole face turn red, more than it already was. I might get sick again.
"But why? I want to see how fabulous you look!"
" Y-you've got me fed up!"
I ran toward her, trying to think of a punishment to give her the moment I caught her. My sister stopped me mid-run and grabbed me by both arms. She rendered me completely useless.
"Let me go!"
"And what were you going to do to me? You know you can't do anything to me, hehe!"
"You and your mousey giggle…"
"I don't laugh like a ra-"
"Got you!"
As soon as he let his guard down, I broke free from his grasp. With the freedom I gained, I decided to impose the worst possible punishment.
"Hee hee hee! No! S-stop! Hee hee hee, hahAHG!"
I started tickling his armpits nonstop. Last time, I tried tickling his tummy and side, but the funny thing about that was that my nose looked like a clown's. Aka it didn't work.
"Okay! Sorry! No, hehe, I won't laugh at you anymore. Leave me alone! Hahaha!"
"Well, you're laughing right now!"
"T-that's not fair!"
While she was laughing her head off, I never let my guard down for a moment. Every attempt she made to break free from me was futile.
I practically had her at my mercy. And as soon as I realized that, I stopped tickling her.
"You brought all this on yourself."
"...How is it possible that you treat your precious older sister like this, after all the care I've given you!" he exclaimed in a sarcastic and ironic tone.
"You're not fooling anyone with that phrase!"
This was the only highlight of the day. I've said it a hundred times, but if my life were a book, it would be very boring. Most of the things I do are purely leisure, and I don't usually do anything out of the ordinary.
Its title would be something like "My Big Sister is so cute!". Disgusting.
Still, I'm happy with it, though I don't understand how.
I don't know how I can think it would be okay to live a life like this forever. What would I write in each chapter? " I went to class, came home, played video games, read, groomed my big sister, bothered her, she kicked my ass, and then I went to sleep." ?
Besides, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life in the future, although I'm going to postpone that problem every time I think of it. Now's not an exception.
I should be showering instead of thinking pointless stuff... Im gonna be late if so...
2.
"Amaya, I'm going out!"
"Have a nice day!"
After that brief goodbye, I went to &$%"!'s house, and after he left, we started walking aimlessly.
"You were going to cosplay after all, right?"
"Yeah, I'm sure you can't guess what-"
"You're going to dress up as Subaru, right?"
"…I'm that easy to read?"
"Let's see, if you base your personality on him, I'd say so. You usually say about being him... You've taken it a bit to heart, haven't you?"
He's not entirely wrong. It's not an obsession, it's extreme admiration. What can I do? If I like him, I like him.
"Well, and you? Are you going to dress up as something?"
"No, not at all. The only thing on my mind is taking the likes of them ladies."
"Are you really going to try to hook up with someone?"
"At least I want to meet someone. Even if it's just a friend."
"What a twink~"
" We both know I'm not... if anything, you're the one who looks the most like a gay man."
"So why do you say you want to meet someone new, huh??" I continued to tease him.
"Because I can make a friend, but I definitely only accept girlfriends! You'd definitely try to hook up with another Subaru!"
"If anything, I'd go for a Rem!"
"But Emilia's better!!! And the Subaru and Emilia ship is canon!"
"Rem's could be too if the author wasn't afraid of success!"
The whole hangout was based on conversations, either silly or normal, with a thousand and one things to talk about.
It's nice to be able to talk this way, although it's not essential. I could go on all day without saying a word, and it wouldn't be a problem. During one of the jokes we were making, a sensitive subject came up, at least for me.
"...Well, if we're talking about hot women, there's your sister."
"If you want to be four meters underground, go ahead."
"What's wrong? Do you think I'm going to commit suicide with her in a super romantic way?"
I sighed at his comment. "If it's just you who commits suicide, I have no problem."
"Huh?"
Completely ignoring his surprise, I continued.
"Well, I've told you several times that I'm worried about how my sister's been. I guess the class change must have affected her a bit."
"Has she been more depressed lately?"
"No, but she hasn't been normal. She's already changed a bunch either way..."
The moment I finished that, &$%"! Put her arm around my neck, while patting my chest with the other.
"I think you're worrying too much. I'm sure she's fine, she always is. It seems surreal, but that's who she is. Besides, if she doesn't tell you anything, it's because she doesn't want to worry you, even though you're still worrying…"
"Maybe you're right, but I still want to think that's not the case. Even though it's a new place for her to be in, I want to know how she's feeling."
"Why?"
"It's kind of surreal, like you said. That's why I want to think that if I come home now without warning, I'll find her crying, or listening to depressing music, or something like that. I want to find her in a similar state, because otherwise she won't tell me, no matter how much I want her to."
With a hint of hope in my eyes, I also thought about her future in that class.
"And I also want her to tell me how her new class is going. If I find out she's made any friends, I'll…"
"Then why don't we go?"
"Huh?"
"If you're so worried, let's go now."
That sudden proposition made by him was a success as I agreed to his idea immediately, and we went to my house. We walked from the place we were to my house, but it took a while. We didn't even notice how long the walk was, as we got so distracted to such a degree that we forgot we were going to my house.
The moment we arrived, as I was about to open the door, &$%"! started laughing. At the time, I had no idea if it was at me or something of his, although it didn't take me long to realize that, since as soon as I opened the door, he shouted.
"My love!!! I'm home!!!"
Honestly, it even made me laugh, even though I knew how little my sister finds those kinds of jokes funny, especially if they're from &$%"!.
Despite everything, my plan to surprise Amaya was gone, since she'd probably find out. Although she let us know in a strange way. First, there was a light knock, but then...
BAM!
Another, louder knock followed. It came from her room, so she was probably scared by both the scream and the message. I'm not judging her. Someone like &$%"! saying that is reason enough to call the police. At least I would. To top it all off, she's not the only one who's been scared by that.
"FUCK!!!"
&$%"! freaked out when she heard the knock. I guess he wasn't expecting it, which seems normal to me, although I certainly wasn't expecting his reaction.
"What's wrong, &$%"!? Do you think a ghost possessed your beloved and now you're scared shitless?"
"Why should I be scared! It just took me by surprise!"
"You have nothing to be ashamed of, you can hold my hand if you want. Actually, no, it'd disgust me~" I took the opportunity to mock him as much as I could, although in the end, my shoulder ended up red thanks to violence.
"If you don't stop the easy way, you'll stop the hard way. Period."
"Okay, dude, but it wasn't that big a deal."
"Yes, it was!"
"But it's just a joke!!"
We went back and forth for a while until we decided to go up. Amaya hadn't come out of her room, so she must have done something bad.
When I got to the door, I hesitated for a moment about whether to open it or not. I have no idea why. Even &$%"! thought it was weird. I kept my hand on the handle for a while, but didn't do anything.
"Do you want to open the door now?"
"Oh, yeah, sure, sorry."
"It's not like you need to apologize either…"
I began to open it slowly, and when I saw inside the room…
Oh no!! Amaya had hung herself from the ceiling!… Just kidding, although it was still somewhat surprising.
Amaya was in bed, curled up in a corner of it, and she also had a scarf wrapped around her neck, but that wasn't what stood out.
Not far from her, one of the handles of her bedroom's ceiling fan was lying on the floor. I wasn't sure what had happened, but I was worried about what might have happened to her.
"Are you okay, Amaya?!"
&$%"! just looked behind me, probably surprised and confused.
I tried to approach her, but she spoke before I could.
"I was just lying in bed, and out of nowhere, the fan handle fell off..."
"Were you sick?"
"Yes, but it's not that bad..."
In the end, I ended up making her sick...
"Have you had something?"
"Yes, a little while ago. I'm a bit better now, and I was thinking of going back to my PC. Lucky I stayed here a little longer..."
Luckily, the handle hadn't broken anything on the floor, nor had his chair. Still, according to her, the fan piece did fall on her seat.
Looking at the fan, I saw that the handle had broken... again.
About four years ago, the same thing happened to me. I used to have this fan in my room, but since they bought me a new one, they decided to give my sister this one. I remember she was happier than I was with mine.
My father must have trusted the repair he made a lot not to have thrown it away. I don't know if it was worth it, to be honest. You get such a fright...
Well, at least it wasn't anything that required calling emergency services or anything, and thank goodness for that.
I turned to talk to &$%"!.
"Well, it was kind of worth it to listen to you in the end, but it's not like-"
"Riku, can I talk to you alone?"
&$%"! cut me off. I was about to tease her again, but I noticed her expression was simultaneously serious and worried for some reason. She grabbed my arm and pulled me out of Amaya's room.
"What's wrong??"
She didn't answer until we reached my room, after closing the door. Amaya didn't follow us at all, I guess out of respect.
"The last time we went out, all together in the summer, she wasn't like this."
"Well, I understand she was more cheerful back then, but that's because she was hanging out with us."
"It still seems too strange to me…"
"&$%"! is this why you brought me to my room like that? Or what, are you going to confess to me?" I put on my mocking tone, the one I always use.
"No, I'm taking it seriously. She looks much worse than usual. And I'm not saying that because she's always sick. She has this knack for looking tired all the time, but I feel like she's worse now."
"Look, she's feeling bad now. She literally told us so. It's normal for her to look bad."
"...Maybe I'm doubting too much…"
" I understand you're worried about her, but it's okay. Trust her. I'm sure if she wasn't sick, you wouldn't say things like that."
"But what about the scarf?"
"...?"
"A scarf in summer??"
"She's a cold-feeling person overall. Guess she has a sore throat or something like that, her voice did sound a bit rough."
"…" It looked as if &$%"! wanted to say something
"Look, I'm worried too. But as I told you before, it's because of the class change."
"Has she told you anything about that?"
"I haven't asked her, and she hasn't told me anything yet. I prefer to give her space, at least for now. I know that if something good happens to her, she'll come and rub it in my face without a second thought."
"What if something bad happens to her?"
"...She'll tell me. If I ask her, she'll tell me, and I have done that already. Anyway, it's not like she's weak. If something bad happens to her, she'll probably ignore it and move on."
"Yes…"
A moment of silence arose in the room, as &$%"! gave everything a second thought.
"I-I don't know why I got like this."
"Just so you know, I'm never going to let you take her."
"That's the first thing I'm going to do when I turn 18!"
When I told another joke, this time he actually played along. I tried to end the conversation.
"And, by the way, why did you bring me here so abruptly?"
"Er, it was just a moment. I didn't want Amaya to hear us either."
I sighed at his lame excuse.
It's pointless to rack your brains over things like that, without any basis. Besides, if for some reason she was feeling that way, she would have already talked to me about it.
I know she'd open up, but she basically doesn't do that much. Might be because she's not that bad.
Amaya has only opened up to me completely once, to the point of saying absolutely everything she feels, and that was when our grandmother died.
She was my grandmother on my mother's side. My grandparents on my father's side died in an accident before Amaya was even born.
She lived at home with us, as my grandfather died before I was born, too. My sister didn't know him well either, and if she did, she probably wouldn't remember him either, she was still very young.
Despite that, my grandmother was very happy with the four of us at home, and the rest were happy to have her, especially my mother.
She was in good shape for her age, and in my eyes, she was smart and very wise. She was very kind, and perhaps too kind to me and Amaya. Just because she was kind doesn't mean she didn't educate us.
Amaya learned most of the housework from my grandmother. She taught me, well, practically everything I know now. However, what helped me most from her was taking away my embarrassment, even if it was just a little bit.
I went with her every day to buy bread. At first, I clung to her, never wanting to let go. I was afraid of everything around me, staring at the ground, unable to speak. When I got to the store, I couldn't even get in.
Little by little, she took away my fear, allowing me to enter the store, leave without having to hold her, look straight ahead without fear, and eventually, be the one who bought the bread. My grandmother still accompanied me, of course.
The last time I went for bread, I went without her. She told me I could do it perfectly well on my own, and that she was only preventing me from getting better.
Most of my memories from that time are hazy, but without a doubt, those were the best years of my life.
I was still a child. My sister always played with me every day. School was very easy, I didn't have to study, and I passed everything. There was a time when I wasn't in school with Amaya, but it wasn't that bad...
At home, I didn't have to do anything either, but occasionally I would help my grandmother cook or do some homework.
All this changed when I was 8 years old. My parents kept it a secret from us that my grandmother was very likely to get cancer. She underwent treatment for a full year to prevent it, but eventually, even with all of that effort, it emerged. It was liver cancer.
At first, it was hard to accept, but we were able to stay with her at home for six months, going to the doctor for treatment when necessary. After six months, she got worse, and they had to admit her to the hospital.
I used to visit her every day with my sister, and my parents did so in their free time as well, especially my mother. Fortunately, we were able to make sure she didn't feel alone. Along with her admission came more intensive treatment.
They had to cut her hair due to that same treatment. The doctors gave him about 7 months, although only my parents knew this. How could they tell their children?
The reason all this stopped being good wasn't particularly because of this, because I was just as happy, even though I knew how badly my grandmother was feeling. But I still thought that one day she would return home.
What really bothers me about this happened five months after she got into the hospital. I don't want to think about it; the mere thought of it disgusts me.
I can't even look back at it because what I did at that moment disgusts me.
If I could go back, I'd kick that kid's ass.
I hate it.
3.
"Well, then I'm sorry for saying all that…"
"No, it's okay. Although I should be the one worried."
"Just because you're her brother doesn't mean the rest of us can't worry too."
"I know you just want to look good in front of me, so I'll let you hook up with my sister, but you should know that if you do that, you won't be my friend anymore."
"Of course, then we'll be family."
After a brief silence, we both started laughing a bit. At least our spirits have returned.
After that, we went back to my sister's room.
"Your sister is sick, and the first thing you do is hook up with your friend…"
"What's wrong? Do you want us to take care of you?" &$%" said.
"I'd rather die from this sore throat than have you lay your hands on me."
"Wow, I can see you're having a hard time," I scolded &$%"!
"Give me a month and you'll see."
After fooling around for a while longer, we picked up the fan handle and left it leaning to the side where it wouldn't get in the way. I'll tell my dad later to fix it. After that, my sister didn't want to lie down anymore. It was as if the fright had cured her illness, and now she only had a runny nose. She didn't want to take off her scarf, though.
"By the way, did you just come to bother me, or do you want something else?" my sister said, sounding slightly annoyed and hoarse. Still, you could tell she was happy to see us. She's a terrible liar.
"No, we just came to bother you."
"I came for that, and for water too."
"When did you ask me for water?"
"No, not once, just now I'm thirsty."
"What a shitty excuse... Well, if all this has been keeping you busy, the door is calling."
"Are you kicking us out so fast?"
"Yes! I can't play quietly with two retarded kids in my room." Even now she's laughing at us...
"You know bad people can't play computer games, right?"
"I-I'm better now! Come on! Shoo, Shoo!"
"Okay, okay, then we'll leave your room." &$%"! He started to leave.
"Well, here we leave you alone with your cool dating game, desperate woman."
"It's not a dating game!!! It's a serious novel in which you're told a touching story and realistic characters, plus-"
I closed the door behind me. Neither of us was willing to listen to his speech. I was the least of all, because I already knew what he was saying wasn't a lie. &$%"! had beaten me to it and was already in the kitchen pouring himself a glass of water.
"You know my house better than your own…"
"Look, if I get thirsty, I'll have to get myself a glass of water, right?"
And he doesn't deny it.
Amaya may have been acting weird lately, but she's going to be okay. She may be sick now, but she'll recover, and then she'll move on.
There's just one thing that bothers me.
-Why did she actually have a scarf?
After seeing my sister, the thirsty man and I hung out for a bit longer, although that bit ended up dragging on. We agreed to meet for dinner, even though we were going to the convention tomorrow.
We went to a fast food restaurant near &$%"!'s neighborhood, which is doing surprisingly well.
It was very entertaining. I didn't have time to realize I'd been mentally blank the entire time.
When you forget who you are, or the things that happen to you, you have more fun. Especially when you bring together two 15-year-olds who share a brain cell.
I got home tired, but I had enjoyed it.
I barely spoke to my sister because the topic of conversation didn't come up, although I did ask my father about the fan.
"Have you looked at it yet?"
"I'll look at it on Sunday. If it's broken again, it would be better to replace it right away."
My father left work earlier, even though I told him nothing had happened to Amaya.
I don't know if it was a good decision for him, but if he came, I suppose he doesn't regret it.
My father was talking to my sister during dinner about what had happened. He was mostly confused, because he was sure he'd fixed it all right.
I guess the fan was on its last legs.
After finishing dinner, I watched videos on the computer for a while.
He asked me if I would break the streak of dreams today or not… Well, I already know a streak I won't break today... heh.
This has been by far the most interesting week I've ever had in my entire life. There hasn't been a single day when nothing has happened, and then there's the dream thing.
I almost never dream. Not counting the last few, I hadn't had a dream in about two years. Whenever I slept, I did so in complete peace. Well maybe I did have dreams, it's just that I didn't recall any.
"...Could it be a mental illness?" I said out loud, to no one in particular.
I wasn't sure. So, what better thing to do than look it up on the internet?
" Yes", it turned out that it was a mental problem…
Well, for now, I'm going to wait until I have 7 dreams in a row, then I'll see.
It's not like I'm going to trust what the internet tells me. I'm not that stupid.
While I was overthinking, I remembered I had to get up early today. Hopefully, I won't get excited and nervous at night, and that way I'll sleep well.
Thank goodness I wasn't wrong, and it wasn't long before I went to sleep.
4.
Do I exist?
I'm surrounded by billions of buildings. I feel like I've been walking these streets for centuries without stopping.
They're always packed. Day or night, there are always people. But not just any people. There are many groups of people. Whether they're two, three, or ten, there's always someone with someone.
I don't know what they're talking about, and I don't understand what they're saying. I can't see their faces, I can't look over their shoulders. There are voices I can't even give a body to, I don't recognize their identity.
He's with her. She's with that one. That one with that one. All of them with all of them.
"Can I join?"
I asked a group. I didn't understand what they were saying, but they sounded annoyed.
"Can I join?" I asked another group. They completely ignored me.
I'm alone. Why can't I be with anyone?
Why?
Why won't they come near me? I want them to come near me...
Everyone is unique
Every person has something different about them. Whether it's their clothing, their indecipherable voice, or their expressions. From time to time, I try to look at their faces, but I see nothing but blackness.
Yes. Whenever I look ahead, half of my vision goes black. If I look up, searching the sky, I see nothing. The darkness consumes me. If I look down, I only see the ground and the shoes of the people around me.
Each one has different colored shoes. Some wear boots, others sandals, and others even go barefoot.
That's when I realize, everyone wears shoes. No. It's not that. Everyone has feet. Everyone has legs. But what about me?
I look down again and realize I'm wearing nothing. I have nothing, I'm not naked, I'm simply nothing. But that's absurd, isn't it? I'm here, but I'm not taking my place. If so, why don't I exist? What part of me exists?
I'm a white dot swimming in a black sea.
If I were a bird flying over the city, I'd see tons of people. But something that stands out even more than the crowd is that empty space.
Could you say that space is really empty?
- I don't know, I'm a pigeon.
Are you a dove, dove?
-Yes, I'm a bird that flies through the skies, in urban areas, looking for scraps of food.
So, what am I?
-You don't know?
No.
-You're nothing, or at least that's how I see it. Because I don't see anything.
I'm nothing? Impossible.
-Yes, you're nothing, because I don't see anything. But I am talking to something, right?
What do you mean? I'm a white hole, therefore, I am something. Right?
-No. What you think you are is actually the lack of something. That's why you are nothing. You, a white void, are the lack of something.
And so, how is it that I can speak? How am I here with you?
-That nothingness is already something, because that nothingness has a voice. And even if it didn't have a voice, it would still be something, because it's something that exists. It may not be something material, but whoever it is, if you ask what's in that space, they'll tell you 'nothing.'"
-You are 'nothing'
How can nothing exist?
-There is a void in which there is nothing; therefore, the nothingness present in that void is something, even if it doesn't exist.
So, do I exist?
When I asked that question, the dove flew away, flying toward the horizon. The one I couldn't see.
-Yes. You exist.
Someone's speaking behind me—a familiar voice. But when I turned around, I didn't see anyone.
Wait, there's no one here?
I went around in circles, but I didn't see anyone. That sea has dried up, there's not a drop of life in these streets, but I can see everything.
The ground, the street, the sky, the buildings, the sidewalks, the benches. Everything. I can see EVERYTHING.
I raised my arm in front of me. I can see him, I can see myself. I see myself.
I have a shape that defines me, a body that's mine. Is it mine? Do I really have a body all to myself? When I realized this, the truth was revealed to me. It's a body all to myself, yes. That's why no one will ever see it.
No one will know who I am, except myself-
"Liar."
A voice, a person, is speaking to me, now facing me. I don't know who it is, but I know whose voice it is. And can he see me?
"I know who you are, too."
I heard another voice. And as soon as I heard it, I remembered. I remembered that I'd forgotten something.
-I forgot that blue hole, floating in a black sea.
I woke up from the dream.