"Any last words?"
I kicked the man sprawled out on the asphalt beneath me. He coughed and tried to crawl away– blood dripped from both corners of his mouth. Looking at his pathetic state almost made me feel a little bad… almost. It's not like I could let him live; he had dug his grave, and I was just here to make sure he lay in it.
Without flinching, I pointed the Incineration Hound 5000 at him. It was a sleek, easily concealable all-in-one elimination weapon. The idea was that it would not only kill the target but also turn them into a pile of ash and sort through the remains for teeth or any other identifiable materials. This was a new model made by yours truly, and I had been dying to test it, so much so that I even ventured to the dark web for hitman jobs.
Grinning, I pulled the trigger, bracing myself for the amazingness that was about to unfold–
It didn't go off.
My weapon groaned once and shut down. The fuck? I started beating it with my hand, trying to get it to turn back on, but my efforts were futile. I should've brought the Juicer with me, though not ash, his soon-to-be widow would've been pleased with a large bottle of that cheater's body juice.
Sighing, I pulled my "backup plan" from my waistband. Now, I don't usually like performing hits that aren't in the name of scientific advancement, but what the hell. I had already taken this woman's money and didn't want her trying to send out a hit on me next if I didn't finish the job. She was actually batshit, so that concern wouldn't be too far-fetched.
I followed the blood trail about 100 meters to where the bastard had crawled and pointed my Glock at him.
"NO! Please don't! I have a wife, and a baby on the way!" He screamed, gripping my ankle with both of his bloody hands.
"Great, now I'm going to have to throw these out," I muttered and roughly shook him off my ankle. It wasn't very difficult; the large amount of blood he had lost would soon kill him if I didn't finish the job in the next 5 minutes or so. I stared at the man with a blank expression and started to pull the trigger…
Oh wait.
With one hand still pointing the gun at the beaten man, I reached into the right-hand pocket of my jeans and pulled out a piece of paper.
"Umm…" I squinted, trying to make out the angrily scribbled words. Ugh, if you're going to pay for a message, at least make it legible! I'm having a hard enough time trying to read this under a shitty street lamp. Feeling a bit annoyed, I crumbled up the note and shoved it in my victim's mouth.
I rolled my eyes. Guess I'll be doing an improv then.
"Uhh… Cindy wants you to know that you are no good, lying, cheating bastard. She hopes you and that slut from your office go to hell and are tortured for an eternity. Also… umm she'll be naming the baby after her ex-boyfriend." I laughed, adding that the last part would definitely add another layer of humiliation to the man who was about to die.
"PLEASE!" He spit out the note I had roughly shoved in his mouth and sobbed.
Feeling a bit annoyed by his emotions, I shot him in the hand first, making him let out a gut-wrenching noise. Fuck, this guy was gonna wake up the whole block. I had to end this fast before someone called the cops. There was no way I was getting myself into yet another police chase. Last time I was almost caught!
Smiling, I forced the gun barrel into his mouth, making him deepthroat it a bit before pulling the trigger.
"Maybe next time keep your dick in your pants, I don't know what to tell ya."
Now that the fun part was over, I would have to dispose of the body, which, if my Incineration Hound 5000 did its job correctly, would've been a piece of cake. I scratched my head and wandered over the alley wall, wanting to prolong the time before I had to start the grueling task. Slumping against the wall, I lit up a cigarette, moaning as I took the first drag.
CLANG!
I jumped up, the sudden shock causing my precious cigarette to fall to the ground. What the hell was that?
Quickly, I sprinted down the alley, trying to find the source of the sound. Sweat was dripping down my forehead profusely. "I'm so screwed… I'm so screwed… I'm so–"
"Meow."
A cat leapt out of the garbage bin it had been rummaging in and walked over to where I crouched on the ground, freaking out.
Oh, it's just a little kitty! I extended my hand toward the cat to pet the cute little thing, but it hissed and swatted my hand, taking off down the alley.
"NO! Come back, kitty!" I called out after him, but he was already gone.
Dammit.
I kicked the ground with my sneaker and slowly trudged back to where the bloody corpse rested. At least the noise I heard just came from the cat, and I wasn't having to deal with two bodies. Despite the fortunate turn of events, I had wasted too much time hunting for the source of the bang and needed to get this bitch into the dumpster before the trashman came.
Yes, I would still need to clean up the blood and everything, but the deal I had worked out with Enrico saved me a lot of time and effort when trying to dispose of a body. The body in question was still pretty fat, though, so the task of dragging him over to the dumpster would suck ass.
It should be noted that I'm not a pussy, so it wouldn't suck that much. Like I'm not weak or anything– I stand at a respectable 5'7, basically average height if you rounded up, and have a little bit of muscle on me, though I'm definitely not on the same level as a bodybuilder.
Frowning, I slid my hands under the dead guy's arms, shuddering after feeling his disgusting armpit sweat touch my wrists. This guy really was a pig, and an ugly one at that. How could such a guy cheat on his beautiful pregnant wife?
"Stupid piece of trash," I huffed, panting as I dragged his body to the dumpster, a task that would've been easier if I had brought my body compressor with me instead of foolishly relying on my Incineration Hound 5000. Though the weight would remain the same, the cube was much easier to put in a dumpster, and 1000 times more inconspicuous.
I shot Encrio a text, letting him know that this job would be a bit messier than usual, hoping he wouldn't be awake yet, so he couldn't ask for more money. But since everything else was going poorly tonight, it was just my luck that the bastard texted back almost immediately.
Send me a pic of what I'm getting into, homie.
Followed by a:
Hell nah, I'm not messing with that shit for any less than 2G's.
"You're breaking my balls, man."
Don't care, that boy is fatter than my mother-in-law
"Fine."
I texted a frowny face to show my displeasure and aggressively shoved my phone in my pocket, sighing as I prepared myself for the grueling task of actually getting this fat bitch into the dumpster.
—
I leaned against the dumpster, panting. My whole body was covered in sweat. It had taken 15 minutes of effort before I was finally able to hoist the body into the dumpster. My shirt clung to my waist, and my cheeks were flushed, as proof of the strenuous effort I had just endured.
Still struggling to catch my breath, I sealed the lid shut with a special glue I made that only Enrico had the dissolver for. This would keep nosy pests from looking into the dumpster before pickup time at 5 am.
I wiped my bloody hands on my already ruined jeans, walked over to the alley wall, and pressed a brick that lit up, waiting for me to type in a code.
1 2 3 4 5
The brick swung open, revealing a secret safe I quickly stuffed 2 bands into. That bastard Erico would be taking over half of my commission, even though his task would be a piece of cake compared to what I just went through.
BEEP
"Clean-up complete." My little maid robot, RCA (Robotic Cleaning Assistant), rolled over to where I was standing and crawled up my pant leg into my open hand.
Thank God I had thought to bring this thing along.
RCA might be one of my greatest inventions yet. It was no bigger than the size of a golfball, and was great for cleaning up a variety of messes– throw-up, dust, and even blood! In fact, it was so great that I had even found myself an investor who wanted to take it global. I was a little hesitant at first, preferring to keep my inventions for my own personal use, but the large sum offered forced me to change my stance on the matter.
I glanced at my phone to check the time, rolling my eyes at the "You the best, homie!" text from Enrico.My eye twitched when I saw that it was well past 3 am. I groaned, knowing that I had a 10 am lecture in the morning, and the class was with Professor Macberry of all people. The last thing I wanted to do was listen to her annoying ass voice for two hours. At least I would still be able to get a little sleep, though tonight's operation had taken a lot longer than originally planned.
Shoving the RCA into my coat pocket, I hummed and walked towards where I had stashed a borrowed 2016 Honda Civic a few blocks over.
—
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call–
I pressed snooze on my phone and groaned, burying my face into my soft pillow. I hadn't ended up getting into bed until 5 am, having to light my clothes on fire and dump the borrowed car before I could even think about going to sleep. Even worse, all of this effort ended up being for nothing because I wasn't even able to test out my cool new invention, and Enrico, the greedy bastard, stole over half of the cash I had earned from the strenuous adventure.
Knowing I couldn't miss class again or my mom would kill me, I rolled out of bed and threw on a hoodie and sweats. I brushed my teeth without glancing in the mirror, knowing my complexion was probably horrible from lack of sleep, and my hair was a mess after falling asleep with it wet.
How am I supposed to impress the baddies if I look like shit? It was no wonder I was 20 years old and still hadn't gotten a girlfriend, despite being of respectable height. My nightly activities were destroying my looks, even if it was in the name of science.
I scooped my backpack off the ground, not bothering to check if I had my textbook book and headed downstairs. My roommate Don was already in the kitchen cooking some eggs.
"Late night last night, huh?" He chuckled to himself, probably thinking I had been with a girl or something. Unfortunately, I didn't have to speculate long because this guy was a yapper.
"You gain another body last night, little buddy?"
Normally, someone calling me little buddy would piss me the fuck off, but after living with Don for 2 months, I had all but gotten used to it. Instead, I just laughed and responded with "hell yeah, man" and high-fived his open palm. It's not like I was lying or anything. I did gain a body last night, just not the type of one he was probably thinking of.
"Damn, bro, that's like the 20th one this semester! You gotta show me your ways for real!"
"Sure, maybe I'll show you sometime," I laughed and pushed his hand away from my hair that he was attempting to ruffle. Technically, that also wasn't a lie. If Don ever found out the truth about what I was actually doing, I would be forced to eliminate him. He had grown a bit on me, though, so I'd be generous and make his death a quick one.
Flashing a smile at Don and taking the piece of toast he offered me, I hurried out the door.
—
Despite leaving my apartment with plenty of time to get to class, I still ended up being 5 minutes late. The bus driver had taken his sweet time driving to campus, stopping at every light before it even turned red! How the fuck he even got hired was beyond me.
I did my best to quietly open the door, hoping the professor wouldn't say anything. Not that I would be surprised if she did, Professor Macberry was a major bitch. Fortunately, all she did was give me a dirty look while I hurried in. Unfortunately, there was only one seat left, and it was next to that guy.
For some reason, he appeared in not one, not two, but every single one of my classes, always doing his best to sit with me, even following me like some dog if I moved seats. To make matters worse, he would also try to bleh talk to me, unable to take a hint at my blatant lack of response.
His eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store as he watched me head towards the open seat, patting it and smiling like a moron.
The girl I had to scooch past to get to said seat glared, but I ignored her. It's not like it was my fault I ended up walking in late today. In fact, it was honorable that I even graced these peasants with my presence after what I had been through last night.
"Whoa, what happened to you?" The bastard sitting next to me reached his hand out like he was trying to check my temperature.
"I'm fine," I swatted his hand away, putting my backpack between us as a barrier.
"You don't look fine." There was an obvious look of concern in his eyes as he gazed at me, but I ignored it. This guy was seriously annoying.
Despite my backpack acting as a barrier, he was sitting so close to me that our shoulders were touching, and his stinky cologne assaulted my nostrils. I felt like him sitting this close was a bit intentional, but his large frame made me second-guess that conclusion.
If he weren't so annoying, I might've even found the sight of him forcing his large body into the lecture hall desk a bit comical. He looked like a senior in high school trying to sit in on a kindergarten class. My lips curled as I imagined him in an elementary classroom, but I made sure to shoot him a dirty look when he smiled back, letting him know I was displeased with his presence.
"Why are you scowling? Do you need help?" He touched the line between my brow with his big, fat sausage finger.
"Don't touch me!" I smacked his hand away from my face. Did this bastard really just poke my forehead? I chuckled, imagining how horrified he would be if I pointed the Juicer at him. Usually, I don't go out of my way to kill someone, unless I absolutely have to, or I'm getting paid, but this bastard was seriously testing me.
"What's so funny?" He smirked and rested his chin in his hand, looking at me like some sort of pervert.
"Wanna die?" I scoffed and turned away from him, rolling my eyes.
"Maybe… will you take me to heaven?" He whispered and eugh caressed my arm.
With that, I shot up from my desk like an arrow, my cheeks burning hot. "THAT'S IT!" I screamed so loud the entire class turned to look at me. I didn't care, though; none of these morons' opinions mattered.
Macberry stopped the slideshow and glared at me. "Mr. Dagger, get out of my lecture now!" She seethed, pointing at the door.
Ignoring my classmates' stares and murmurs, I packed up my stuff and shuffled towards the door. Not bothering to look back at the guy who was most definitely smirking, I let the door slam shut behind me.
"C U N T! Stupid bitch ass, cunt ass, ugly ass, fat ass… ummm stupid ass— AGH!"