Alright, I'm gonna be honest with you, dear future reader of whatever strange chronicle this is—probably archaeologists from Celestia trying to figure out how a single man can be so breathtakingly handsome, stupid, and strangely immune to social cues. Or maybe it's Greg reading this after he evolves into a dragon. Either way, welcome to another chaotic day of my life.
So here's the thing:
We were traveling. Again.
This time with Alhaitham, Mister "I-Lift-Books-and-Boulders-With-the-Same-Biceps." Honestly, I feel safer with him around. Not because of his skills or brains or anything... but because trouble might be too scared to approach those arms. I mean, if I were a rogue Eremite or flying ruin machine and I saw that man's triceps flexing under the Sumeru sun, I'd turn right around and go back to Mondstadt to start a wine business.
I spent the entire trip doing the usual.
Talking.
About what? Even I don't know.
I remember going on a full 10-minute rant about why I believe sand is just rebellious dirt, and how if sand had ambition, it would become glass. Lumine glared at me like I just declared war on math. Paimon judged me with her eyes—again. She's been doing that since Chapter 1. I think she's starting to develop a twitch. Greg? My boy just sat like a regal little lizard crown on my head, eyes closed, probably meditating or plotting world domination. He's a mystery.
Now... Nilou.
Oh, Nilou. Kind. Gentle. Ethereal.
Also apparently immune to my verbal nonsense.
She chuckled. She nodded.
She even responded with, "That's an interesting way to look at sand, Shigeru."
See? Goddess behavior. The others may not get me—but she does.
So anyway, after a long, hot, dry trek through enough sand to fill an Inazuman litter box, we finally saw it—
Aaru Village.
Majestic. Ancient. Hot.
(And not the fun kind of hot, either. The desert kind. The kind where your skin sizzles, your sweat sweats, and even your thoughts feel dehydrated.)
Alhaitham, the ever-stoic desert dad, stopped and looked toward the village.
"Before us lies Aaru Village," he said. "The safe haven of the desert folk."
Honestly, he said it so dramatically I expected a theme song to play in the background. Maybe a falcon flying overhead. Something cinematic. But nah. Just more sand.
Paimon floated forward, clearly impressed.
"Whoa! This landscape is really something else. What a cool place! Let's go check it out!"
And so we marched.
Me leading the charge, of course, like the brave, noble, slightly-overcooked desert hero I am.
That's when Trouble arrived.
Not the metaphorical one I always attract. I mean literal, spear-wielding trouble.
This guy came flying at us from the sand dunes like a desert banshee with a pointy stick.
I yelped. (Bravely. Ruggedly.)
But before I could even say something witty like "Who dares interrupt our plot progression?!", Alhaitham had already moved. Man went full action anime mode.
Steel clashed.
Feet kicked up dust.
Sweat glistened.
And somewhere in the background, I swear Greg was clapping with his tiny lizard hands.
Turns out the attacker was none other than Cyno.
General Mahamatra. Enforcer of justice. Collector of bad jokes.
Oh, I know this guy.
White hair, glowing red eyes, massive Anubis energy.
I nudged Lumine with a grin.
"Told you we'd get attacked by a midget with Anubis aesthetic."
She sighed, already tired of me. "What's an Anubis?"
"Exactly," I said wisely, like I had just taught her the secrets of the universe.
Meanwhile, Nilou looked a bit nervous.
"Shouldn't we… stop them?"
I tilted my head, watching the clink clink swoosh BANG of Alhaitham and Cyno absolutely going at it.
"Nah. This is how dudes bond. Fists, sweat, maybe a little emotional repression thrown in. They'll be besties by sundown."
Nilou still looked unsure.
Lumine crossed her arms. "He's not entirely wrong."
Paimon, hands on her hips (if she has hips?), hovered by with narrowed eyes. "Do you even know what you're talking about, Shigeru?"
"Absolutely not," I said proudly.
The fight raged on. Dust storms formed from their kicks. The very desert trembled beneath their might. Probably.
I leaned back on a conveniently placed rock, pretending it was a recliner.
"Man, I should've brought popcorn. Or at least that weird Sumeru fruit that smells like regret."
Greg adjusted his position on my head. I could feel his approval. Or maybe he was just hot. Lizard life.
Anyway, the fight went on for a few more minutes, a blur of flashy moves, sharp words, and at least three moments where I whispered, "Ohhh that's gonna leave a mark."
Finally, Alhaitham—cool as always—blocked a final strike and held his ground.
Cyno blinked, then stepped back, lowering his weapon.
***
You ever watch two dudes try to verbally annihilate each other while everyone else stands around like background props in a bad soap opera? Because that's exactly what just happened.
The moment the dust from their epic clash settled—spoiler alert, nobody died—I crossed my arms and muttered, "Meh. Too soft. No blood."
Everyone ignored me. Rude.
Cyno stood there glaring daggers at Alhaitham. Alhaitham just stared back like the human equivalent of a loading screen.
"Unless my memory fails me," Alhaitham finally said, like he was reciting legal jargon from his own autobiography, "we have barely spoken two words to each other before now at the Akademiya. Would you care to enlighten me as to when and how I invited the General Mahamatra's wrath?"
Lumine whispered, "Here we go again."
Greg, now lounging on top of my head like a paperweight with opinions, flicked his tongue in approval. Or judgment. Still not sure.
Cyno stepped forward, cape dramatically fluttering even though there was barely any wind. That's how intense he was. He generated his own wind.
"Alhaitham, do not think you can escape my judgment just because you managed to escape my attack."
Alhaitham tilted his head. "'Judgment'? So, that's how you'd characterize your actions here, is it? Or would 'elimination' perhaps be a more accurate description?"
I leaned over to Nilou and whispered, "Smart people and their weird sets of wording. Ugh... cringe."
Cyno, still locked in his brooding anime pose, went, "Had I used my full strength, not even these travelers would have been able to stop me."
He paused, scanning each of us like a disappointed professor. "Though styled like an assassination, I sought only to ensure that my target would be unable to flee or resist. Standard practice for the Matra, as well you know."
We all deadpanned. I mean, this guy clearly didn't know we squared up with literal Archons, survived trauma that would make bards weep, and once made one cry. Like, real tears. Healing kind. Very cinematic.
Alhaitham just quirked a brow. "Seemed to me more like your own personal touch."
Paimon floated in between like she was moderating a very intense academic debate. "Uh, wh—who is that, Alhaitham? Did you call him 'General Mahamatra'?"
"Yes," Alhaitham replied. "General Mahamatra Cyno, head of all the Matra at the Akademiya. He's a formidable hunter, and the ultimate nightmare for any who have committed academic crimes."
I raised a finger. "What qualifies as an academic crime? Asking too many questions in class?"
Nilou chuckled. "I don't think it's that simple."
Cyno didn't even blink. "You seem to have placed a lot of trust in Alhaitham, to the point of blocking an attack for him. If I were you, I'd never choose to side with him. I wouldn't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth."
He pointed at us like we were contestants on a game show. "I have been pursuing this scribe for a long time. I urge you, stand back and do not seek to defend him any longer. Otherwise... there will be consequences."
Lumine stepped forward, arms crossed, eyes cool and steady. "I don't trust him as much as you seem to think. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stand by and do nothing."
I nodded solemnly. "I trust his biceps though."
Death glare from Lumine.
I backed up a step. "Okay, wow. Touchy."
Nilou sighed, "Shigeru, not now."
Paimon floated in a circle, clearly torn. "Has Alhaitham done something wrong? Paimon doesn't think he's as bad as you've made him out to be."
Cyno drew closer, intensity at 200%. "I won't waste my breath explaining things. Alhaitham, I saw it during our fight... Take it out. The Divine Knowledge Capsule you're hiding on your person. Unless you want me to retrieve it for myself?"
Alhaitham's expression finally shifted into something resembling mild irritation. "...Hmph. Very perceptive of you... Nothing escapes a Matra's senses."
Paimon gasped. "Wait, the Divine Knowledge Capsule!? Didn't it fall into the Matra's hands in Port Ormos?"
Lumine narrowed her eyes. "So you did lie to us."
Alhaitham didn't even flinch. "No wonder you speak with such confidence, Cyno. But I must admit, I am very curious... What does this capsule mean to you? And why, as General Mahamatra of the Akademiya, are you all alone in the desert?"
Even Greg perked up at that one.
Alhaitham continued, calm and composed like a guy making a TED talk. "As far as I'm aware, the other Matra have been speculating about your disappearance. Have you been given a mission that's... let's say, morally dubious? If I was the real target of your mission, what was stopping you from simply using your authority and resources to judge me within the walls of the Akademiya?"
Lumine asked, "Is it a mission from the sages?"
Cyno gave a long, hard stare. "...I should have known you'd be difficult to deal with."
Paimon floated in between again, clearly panicking. "You two... Ugh, what should we do? Paimon feels like we can't trust either of them..."
Then, like the grandest stage entrance ever—
"Ahem."
Everyone turned.
There she was.
"Well look at you two," said Dehya, hands on her hips. "Acting all tough and self-righteous over there."
Paimon nearly did a cartwheel. "Wait, Dehya!? Finally someone that we can trust! You gotta help us out here! Otherwise, these two are gonna start fighting again..."
Dehya crossed her arms. "Yeah, sure looks that way... Two giants from the Akademiya, duking it out once and for all. Not something you get to see every day."
"Really?" I raised a brow. "This is just a normal Tuesday for us. Chaos is basically our brand."
SMACK — courtesy of Lumine.
"Well deserved," I coughed.
Dehya rolled her eyes. "Listen, I know you academic types love to fill up your big brains with self-righteous morality, and lord your empty rules and virtues over each other... But how dare you bring your petty disputes into the safe haven of Aaru Village?"
She cracked her knuckles. "It seems like someone's gonna have to beat some sense into your thick skulls until you finally learn to respect these grounds!"
Cyno: "..."
Alhaitham: "..."
Lumine leaned toward Nilou. "Neither of them can afford to be distracted by Dehya... They're still looking for an opportunity to attack..."
Dehya shouted, "Hey! Did either of you hear a word I just said!?"
Suddenly the wind picked up.
Whoosh...
Paimon flailed mid-air. "Whoa! What's going on!? The wind's so strong — is this a sandstorm!? Paimon's gonna get blown away!"
Dehya shielded her eyes. "Tch... Another sandstorm? What's up with these recently?"
A distant voice rang out: "Hey! All of you, over here, quickly! We have to take cover!"
Paimon pointed. "Someone's calling for us, everyone! This wind is too strong. Let's get over there!"
Dehya: "That sounded like Candace... Come on, you two! Geez, are all you Akademiya folks such hard work? Move it!"
Alhaitham: "Alright, stop yelling."
Cyno: "...Hmph."
I watched them go and said with a grin, "Yeah, best friends. They really are close."
Alhaitham gave me a stare that could turn milk sour.
Cyno almost skewered me again.
Greg tightened his grip on my head. Smart lizard.
And so, into the sandstorm we went.
Because of course we did.
Because peace is illegal in my life.
***
Right. Sandstorm.
Big. Scary. Loud. Looked like Teyvat's version of an incoming internet outage.
"Alright, team! I suggest we proceed to the Hydro Mommy with shield powers and comforting motherly energy!" I declared heroically, one arm shielding my face while the other dramatically pointed in the vague direction of Dehya's last known coordinates. I say coordinates like I was keeping track—truth is, my internal compass works on vibes and beauty detection. Both pointed to the same woman: Miss Flaming Shield of the Dunes.
Three distinct reactions. Lumine stared at me with the same deadpan she used when I accidentally put sugar in the soup. Paimon hovered a little lower, already preparing her judgment voice. And Nilou? She smiled and shook her head softly.
That's why she's a Goddess.
Meanwhile, the bros—Alhaitham and Cyno—were still posturing, probably debating the exact molecular weight of testosterone. It was hard to tell who was winning, but Alhaitham had the eyebrow raise advantage.
Dehya appeared like a storm within the storm, arms crossed, aura hotter than the sand itself.
"You boys done testing whose biceps are denser?" she asked, not even flinching against the gusts of sand.
Cyno grunted something about duty. Alhaitham folded his arms, which in bicep language meant "you're not worth the effort, but also I might still fight you later."
And me?
I took this golden opportunity to stand behind Nilou.
Strategic defense formation: Activated.
"You all took your sweet time," she says.
Her voice sounds like warm fire and mom disappointment.
I cough up a desert's worth of dust. "Fire Mommy. Thank Archons. We come seeking sanctuary. Also maybe juice."
She raises an eyebrow. "Juice?"
"Hydration is important."
Lumine elbows me. Hard.
Dehya glances at Nilou, who smiles sweetly as if we aren't the human embodiment of chaos.
Then Dehya turned to her fellow queen. "So, Nilou. How was traveling with this lot?"
EXCUSE ME? We're literally being exfoliated alive by sand and she decides now is the time for a travel review?!
I flailed my arms with all the sass of a leaf caught in a typhoon. "Seriously, fire mommy? That question? Now? Should I also give a Yelp review of the sand in my pants?!"
Nilou giggled, and I saw sunlight again. Not literal sunlight—we were still being sandblasted into another dimension—but the metaphorical kind. She said, softly, "It was chaotic... but really fun."
My brain short-circuited. I looked at Greg for support. He blinked.
Fair.
By the grace of Dehya's giant-sword energy, we were herded into a nearby building. It wasn't a palace, not even a fancy inn. Just a house. Or a safe house. Or a sandproof hut. Honestly, I'd take a cardboard box right now as long as it had air-conditioning and Nilou.
We're finally led into a building. Or a hut. Or a... mud-brick survival box. I don't know what this is. It has walls and shade and isn't full of sand. I declare it sacred.
"Everyone, take a moment to rest," Dehya commands.
I flop onto a rug like a dead fish. Greg immediately scurries to a sunny spot on the floor, claiming it as his kingdom. Paimon wipes herself off with more drama than a stage actor. Lumine slumps against a wall. Alhaitham and Cyno continue their silent, angry chess match via eye contact.
I sigh. Deeply. Loudly. For attention.
"Do you think Dehya would let me call her mom once? Just once? For morale."
Paimon gasps. Lumine gives me the side-eye of death. Nilou? Nilou's laughing again. Glorious.
"She might punch you," Lumine says without looking.
"Worth it."
There's silence now.
Actual silence.
I blink again. Sandstorm still raging outside, but inside? Peace.
Wow.
I don't trust it.
______________________
End of Chapter 113
Quests Completed:
*Travel with Alhaitham to Aaru Village, avoid heatstroke, and survive an unexpected duel between two desert himbos.
*Try (and fail) to stop Cyno and Alhaitham from expressing emotions the only way they know how—through violence and metaphors.
*Enter Aaru Village during a raging sandstorm without losing your dignity (spoiler: I did).
*Say enough nonsense to make Nilou laugh instead of call for help.
*Locate a nearby building before the sand peels your face off.
Rewards:
*Faded Map Fragment
*Alhaitham's Dropped Footnote (Unreadable, but radiates smugness)
*Desert Sunblock +10 (Prevents character development via sunburn)
*Traveler's Worn Shawl
*Sumeru Trail Snack x2
*Condensed Sand – (Totally useless, but kind of cool-looking)
*Scroll of Ancient Insults – (One-time use. Extremely effective on scholars)
*House of Aaru Dust Token
*+1 Braincell (Shared between Party) – Still in beta testing
*"Alhaitham Disapproval Buff" – (Makes you 30% more chaotic for 24 hours)
*Passive Debuff: "Still Processing That Whole Bicep Scene" – (-10 to Wisdom checks when around either Cyno or Alhaitham)
*"Sandstorm PTSD" Trigger Word Discovered: "Trust"