Greg and I were just about to teleport straight to Mondstadt when something slammed into my brain so hard I almost thought Lumine smacked me from across dimensions. I froze mid-step, fist curling as I gasped. "Wait… hold on. Hold on, lizard. Since we're already in Sumeru, why don't we just invite our Sumerian friends first? They can head to the teapot early and help with preparations! That's right!"
I smacked my fist into my palm so hard Greg flinched and wrapped his tail around my head like a panicked crown. "I'm a genius! Let's go, Lizard!"
Greg flicked his tongue twice, clearly saying you're going to regret this, but I ignored him because genius ideas don't wait.
With heroic determination—and Greg clinging on for dear life—we teleported to the waypoint near the Akademiya. I strutted out like I owned the entire place, chin high, grin smug. And oh boy, the whispers started immediately.
"Isn't that the one with the dragon?" a scholar muttered.
"Yeah, the one who almost destroyed the Akademiya?" another whispered.
"What's that chaotic guy doing here?"
Music to my ears. Compliments, every single one. I puffed my chest out proudly, walking slower so they could admire the full chaos package. Greg, on the other hand, covered his face with his tiny claws like he didn't want to be associated with me.
"Don't worry, Greg," I whispered. "They're just jealous because I have better hair."
Greg slapped the side of my head with his tail. Translation: delusion detected.
I paused mid-step, hand on chin. "Although, now that I think about it… maybe they're whispering because they're in awe of my heroic entrance. Like, imagine if I was secretly a legendary hero in disguise, only they just haven't realized it yet."
Greg smacked his face with both claws this time, full disappointment mode.
I barged into Alhaitham's office without knocking—because knocking is for mortals—and spread my arms wide. "Waddup, Biceps Grand Sage! What's poppin' aside from your muscles?"
Alhaitham looked up from his desk with the exact expression of a man who just witnessed a sandstorm approaching from ten miles away. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "What are you doing here?"
I beamed. "Hey! I got engaged and we're having an engagement party!"
He blinked once, very slowly, then set his pen down. "Engaged?" His tone was flat enough to iron clothes with. "They said yes to you? Why?"
I deadpanned so hard my soul left my body. "Why do you guys all have the same reaction?!"
Greg patted my head, as if saying because it's obvious, idiot.
Alhaitham leaned back in his chair, arms crossing. "So. You want me to attend your party?"
"More or less, yeah," I said casually. "Bring Cyno with you. And Tighnari. And Collei. You know what? Screw it. Just bring everyone." I leaned closer, lowering my voice conspiratorially. "I'm going to Nahida first. Dehya's already at the teapot."
His eyebrow twitched—though honestly, I swear it twitched harder at the mention of Dehya's name—then he exhaled with that signature I'm surrounded by idiots sigh. "Alright. I'll gather everyone and head there. Might as well help, since I apparently have nothing better to do."
I slapped the desk with approval. "That's the spirit! See you there, Biceps Grand Sage!"
Greg, not to be outdone, saluted Alhaitham with his tail like a proper soldier. Alhaitham blinked at the gesture, then gave a faint, tired nod—possibly the closest thing to respect I've ever seen from him.
But before I left, I leaned against the desk, smirk wide. "By the way, if you need me to give a speech at the Akademiya about love and chaos, I'm available."
Alhaitham didn't even blink. "Leave."
"Noted." I snapped my fingers like a performer finishing his act, then spun dramatically out the door. Greg rolled his eyes with his entire body.
Next stop—the Sanctuary of Surasthana. And there she was: Nahida, sitting quietly by Scaramouche's unconscious body, her hands glowing softly as she tended to him. She looked up as I stormed in.
"Waddup, Radish Cutie!" I beamed, scooping her up without hesitation and plopping her on my shoulders. Greg hissed at me, tail smacking my forehead, like he was scolding me for manhandling a god.
Nahida giggled, clutching lightly to my hair for balance. "Oh, hi Shigeru. Do you need something?"
"Yeah! We're throwing an engagement party! I'm inviting you, of course. All our friends will be there!"
Her eyes lit up instantly. "Really? I'd love to go! Will you be inviting the others as well?"
"Yeah!" I grinned wider. "Mondstadt, Liyue, Inazuma—everyone! The whole multiregional circus!"
She tilted her head, smiling softly. "A circus sounds fun. Just make sure it's not too chaotic."
"Too chaotic?" I gasped dramatically. "Radish Cutie, chaos is my middle name!"
Greg smacked me with his tail again. Nahida giggled at the sight, clearly used to our routine.
"Maybe not too much chaos," she said gently. "People might get overwhelmed."
I crossed my arms proudly. "If they don't faint at least once from the decorations, did I even do my job?"
She covered her mouth, laughing softly. "I suppose that's…one way to look at it."
Greg flicked his tongue, clearly saying please don't encourage him.
She clasped her hands together. "Alright, alright. I'll see you, Lumine, Nilou, Paimon, and Greg too."
Greg puffed his chest at being mentioned. Finally, some respect for the lizard. He even nodded once, very sagely, like yes, small god recognizes greatness.
I set her down gently, ruffling her hair with a grin. "Alright! I've got more people to drag into this. See you later, Radish Cutie!"
She waved, still smiling. "Bye, Shigeru! Don't cause too much trouble before then."
I winked. "No promises."
Greg facepalmed with both claws. Nahida laughed again, her voice light and warm.
As I left the Sanctuary, I threw my arms wide, shouting at the sky. "Mondstadt! Prepare yourself! The Idiot and the Lizard are coming!"
Greg flicked his tail like, gods help us all.
***
Alright, so picture this: me, standing in Mondstadt with my trusty lizard partner. I squint at Greg, who's perched smugly on my shoulder like he's some kind of wine-sniffing expert.
"Listen, Greg," I tell him with all the seriousness of a man about to uncover divine secrets, "if you wanna find a certain wind god who happens to be drunk ninety-nine percent of the time, all you gotta do is follow the scent trail of wine."
Greg blinks at me, tilts his head, then hops down and starts sniffing the ground like a trained hound. I stare, mouth open. "Wait, you can actually do that?!" I had no clue lizards had dog DLC installed, but hey, I wasn't complaining.
Greg glanced back at me, narrowed his little lizard eyes, then slapped his tail once against the ground, like, of course I can, dumbass.
I squint at him harder. "No, seriously. What other hidden talents you got? Can you juggle? Do taxes? Recite Mondstadt poetry? If you start reciting Venti's poems, I'm dropping you in a barrel of wine and leaving you there."
Greg rolled his eyes, if lizards could roll eyes, then turned back to sniffing. Sure enough, a few tail-wiggles later, Greg leads me to the treasure: a certain bard. Passed out. Smelling like a tavern floor. Possible dead. He's so still I half expect him to have ascended back to Celestia.
I grin wide. "Well, well, what do we have here? One drunk bard god, secured." Without hesitation, I hoist him over my shoulders like a sack of grapes. "Alright, lizard, package acquired. Next stop—the land of wine and broody men!"
Greg flicked his tail against my cheek, like he was saying congratulations, you caught a rare specimen. Then he raised his chin proudly, like he was the one who had bagged the Archon.
Teleporting to the nearby waypoint sounded like a good plan. Except after that, we had to walk. And after that, I almost fell off a cliff. Twice. Okay… maybe four times. Greg smacked me in the face every time I tripped, so at least I didn't die. Thanks, lizard.
"Oi, if you smack me one more time, I'm putting you on babysitting duty with Paimon," I muttered. Greg smacked me again. I sighed. "Yep. That's what I get for talking."
Finally, we arrived. Dawn Winery. The mansion loomed in front of me like a castle of grapes. "Finally! Time to see the flaming wine daddy!" I declared, chest puffed out, Venti still drooling on my shoulder.
We strutted to the door like we owned the damn place. Might get kicked out later, but whatever. I knocked, and the first person to answer was—drumroll—Jean. Yep. Acting Grand Master herself.
"Well, well, if it isn't Mrs. Ragnvindr." I flash my signature grin.
Jean sighed the sigh of someone tired of my existence. "Stop with the teasing, Shigeru. What do you need? And why are you carrying our Archon like that?"
I beam. "I got engaged! Engagement party at our teapot house! You're invited. As for this guy—" I jerk my thumb at the unconscious Venti on my back. "Picked him up along the way."
Jean blinks. Tilts her head. "Teapot house?"
I snap my fingers. "Right, explanation time! Imagine a cozy paradise but inside a teapot. Spacious, magical, way bigger inside than outside. We live there. Pretty neat, huh? You should visit—you'll love it!"
Greg raised one claw dramatically, as if seconding my sales pitch. Then he puffed out his chest and bowed like a salesman's assistant. Jean blinked at him, then pinched her nose like she was rethinking her life choices.
"Anyway," I finished. "Is the Flaming Wine Daddy with you?"
Jean's lips twitched. "Yes. My husband is in his study."
"Shut up, idiot. I'm already here, stop bothering Jean."
I whip my head around and beam. "Master Diluc! My flaming wine daddy!" I gesture dramatically at Greg. "By the way, this is Greg, my new companion! Met him back in Sumeru, and now we're inseparable. Dynamic duo, baby!"
Greg puffed his chest like he was some royal beast being introduced to nobility. He even waved his tail like a regal scepter. Then, to really sell it, he licked his own claw and slicked back the ridge of scales on his head like he was fixing his hair. Diluc just sighed, which is basically his way of saying 'I regret answering the door.'
"I heard you're holding an engagement party," he says flatly.
"Damn right! And you're invited! Bring everyone with you. Yes, even Kaeya."
Diluc narrowed his eyes briefly, then nodded. "Alright. We'll be there."
Score! But my eyes dart back to Jean, and I can't resist. I wiggle my eyebrows. "So, Master Jean. Been a while since you two tied the knot. Tell me…" I lower my voice with a sly grin. "Is it finally… you know? Mwehehehe."
Jean's face went redder than Diluc's hair. "I'm not pregnant yet, you idiot!" Her hand whipped out faster than lightning, and bam—I was flying five feet backwards across the lawn.
Greg clung to me mid-flight, his eyes wide like he'd just boarded a roller coaster. We landed with a thud, me groaning, him patting my face like, why are you like this? Then, he climbed up on my head and covered my eyes with his claws, like he didn't even want to see me suffer.
Diluc sighed again, the universal language of 'this clown.' "You really don't learn."
Jean crossed her arms, cheeks still pink. "We're not planning yet. Not until Mondstadt is stable and Grandmaster Varka has returned."
I dust myself off and nodded sagely. "Right, right. That guy. Heard a lot about him. Sounds like a busy man. Anyway! That's me done. I'll see you two later!"
Diluc just slid an arm around Jean's waist while she waved me off. Greg gave them a two-finger salute with his tail. Then he leaned toward me, pointing his tail at Jean like, you had that slap coming.
I grin and stride out dramatically, Greg perched smugly again.
"Onward to Liyue!" I declare, teleporting straight into the city while still carrying the passed-out Venti.
"Oh, right." I glance at the bard slumped on my back. "Almost forgot about this guy. Welp, time to find the Geo Grandpa first."
Greg smacks his tail against my head like 'don't forget your baggage, dumbass.'
We march to Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, and there he is: Zhongli, looking majestic and stoic as ever.
"Waddup, rock grandpa!" I shout, grinning.
Zhongli inclines his head calmly. "Oh, Shigeru. It's been a while and you brought the little one with you as well. Are you here for more training?"
I deadpan. "You really like the idea of beating me up, don't you?"
Greg pointed at Zhongli with his tiny claws, then at me, then flexed. Translation: he's going to crush you again.
Zhongli smiled faintly. "Of course not. What brings you back to Liyue?"
"Glad you asked!" I puffed out my chest and launched into a dramatic speech, pacing around like a stage actor. "Behold! I, Shigeru, have achieved the impossible—I got engaged! And now, the world must gather at our teapot mansion to celebrate the dawn of my new era! Food, chaos, lizards, and possibly emotional trauma!"
Greg slapped his tail against my leg at each dramatic pause like a drumroll. Then, just to add flair, he leapt onto a chair, raised both claws like a conductor, and timed my speech like we were performing a concert.
Zhongli, of course, listened with the patience of a man used to centuries of nonsense.
"By the way, invite the Adepti, okay? Especially my master, and also your kid and the Qixing."
Zhongli blinked once. "Kid?"
"You know. Twintails, cute hat, cute face, can probably torch me to death?"
He exhaled softly. "Ah. You mean Hu Tao. She is my boss, but yes, I will bring her."
"Perfect!" I beamed, then Zhongli narrowed his eyes slightly.
"May I ask why you are carrying Barbatos like that?"
I glanced at Venti, still limp on my back, drooling on my shirt. "Oh, right. This bard. Found him passed out in Mondstadt, figured I'd bring him along."
Greg wiped Venti's drool with his tail, then flicked it away in disgust. Then he mimed gagging dramatically until I flicked his head. Zhongli nodded like it all made sense, because of course he does.
"Very well. I'll carry him to the teapot. I will see you there."
"Thanks, grandpa! See ya!" I waved as I headed out, Greg flicking his tongue dramatically like we're in a hero's sendoff scene. He even hopped onto my shoulder and posed like a pirate's parrot.
"Alright, lizard. Time to finally meet him again. My Hydro Boba-loving main—Ayato! To Inazuma we go!"
Greg raised both claws like a cheerleader's pom-poms. I smirked, marching forward like the idiot protagonist I was, dramatic theme song in my head already playing.
Alrighty! Inazuma, baby! Land of thunder, sakura blossoms, and—most importantly—Hydro Daddy Ayato. I teleport with Greg, landing near the Kamisato Estate. No hesitation. I march right in like I own the place.
"Alright folks, the hero is here!" I announce, arms spread wide. "Please, applause later, gifts now."
Greg facepalms with his tiny claw, already regretting life choices. He points his tail at me like don't drag me into this.
My eyes immediately land on Ayaka. My brain short-circuits. One thought: petting time. "Ayayaaaaa!" I bolt so fast Greg falls off my shoulder mid-sprint. Sorry buddy, priorities. My hands land on Ayaka's head, ruffling her hair like she's the world's most adorable mascot.
Ayaka freezes, unsure how to react, probably thinking why me, why always me? She gives a nervous smile but her eyes scream help. "Shigeru… maybe… not here…?"
Greg crawls up to my foot, glaring at me like I just betrayed our sacred lizard-bro code. He taps his tiny claws against my boot like he's filing a complaint. Then he points his tail at Ayaka as if to say control your human.
Then, enter stage left: Ayato and Thoma. Perfect timing.
Ayato smiles politely, but his tone is sharp. "If it isn't Shigeru. What brought you here? And please… leave my sister alone."
Thoma crosses his arms, giving me that big-brother glare. "Do you really have to ambush her every time?"
Greg, meanwhile, crawls up to me with vengeance in his reptile eyes. He slaps my cheek with his tiny claw. Whap. Message clear: Don't you ever drop me again.
"Ouch! Sorry buddy," I laugh, rubbing the spot. "Excitement kicked in, you know how it is."
Then I turn to Ayato, striking a pose. "Ayato! Business with you, my Hydro Boba overlord!"
Ayato raises a brow. "Hydro… what?"
Thoma mutters, "Don't ask. It'll only get worse."
"And it does!" I boom, spinning dramatically. "Listen well, Inazuma elite! I, Shigeru, have achieved what many thought impossible! Engagement secured! And now, a celebration awaits! Where? In the mystical, magical teapot mansion! Bigger inside than outside! It's not a scam, it's real estate magic!"
Greg waves his tail like he's hyping up my speech. My hype-lizard. He even leaps onto the table, striking a triumphant pose as if presenting me like the greatest product on Teyvat's market. I swear I heard faint sales music playing.
Ayaka blinks, still smoothing her ruffled hair. "E-Engaged? Oh, congratulations… I think?"
Thoma scratches his head. "You really came all this way just to invite us?"
"Yes!" I jab a finger skyward. "This is history in the making! And you—yes you—all must attend, or else the chaos gods will strike me down for lack of drama!"
Greg rolls onto his back dramatically, tongue out, playing dead lizard to emphasize my point.
Ayato sighs softly, pinching his nose. "Fine. We'll attend. But please, stop tormenting my sister."
Ayaka mutters under her breath, "That seems unlikely…"
"Deal!" I sneak one last headpat for Ayaka—worth it—and bolt out the door like a criminal fleeing justice. Because let's be real, if I stayed, Ayato might slice me in half, Thoma would grill me into a Shigeru skewer, or Ayaka would freeze me solid. Survival instincts, baby.
"Alright Greg! Unto the next landmark!" I declare dramatically. "To the Tenshukaku!"
At the gates, the guards see me. One look. Immediate shivers. They part like the seas for Moses. VIP treatment, baby. I salute them casually. "That's right, fear not. The chaos is controlled… mostly."
I strut inside, hands behind my head, casual as hell. And there she is. "Oh—Ei. Or wait, Shogun. Puppet or goddess? Doesn't matter. Yo! What's up?"
The Raiden Shogun nods stiffly. "Outlander. State your business."
I clasp my hands together, eyes big. "C'mon, can I talk to Ei? Please?" Puppy eyes at max power.
The Shogun stares blankly. Silence. Greg even mimics me, clasping his tiny claws and tilting his head like a pleading pet. Double puppy eyes. Unstoppable combo.
Then suddenly, her expression shifts—Ei peeks through, a gentle smile. "Shigeru. What brings you here?"
I grin wide. "Finally! There she is! Ei!" And boom, I launch into my pitch—engagement, teapot house, the whole grand story. "Listen Ei, I'm throwing the wildest engagement party Teyvat has ever seen, and guess what? You're invited! Bring the smug fox! Bring Kujou Mama! We'll have dango milk—your favorite! And desserts! Loads of desserts!"
Her eyes sparkle just slightly. Hooked. Mission success.
Greg claps his claws together like nailed it.
Ei tilts her head. "This teapot… is it really as vast as you claim?"
I slam a hand over my chest. "Ei, I swear on Greg's tiny, beautiful scales—it's bigger than the Shogun's ego."
Greg whaps my cheek again. Too far.
I clap my hands. "Alright, last stop! Watatsumi Island, baby! Time to meet the divine fish priestess!"
Greg flicks his tongue in agreement. Teleportation magic—bam—we're on the island.
Except… no Kokofish. Not even a glimpse. Just soldiers standing around awkwardly.
One soldier steps forward nervously. "Former Vice Commander Shigeru? Do you… need something?"
I blink. "Former Vice Commander, huh? Oh, I like that. Keep it up, soldier." Then I sigh dramatically, pulling out a scrap of paper. Scribble, scribble—with the grace of an artistic genius, I write: To Lady Divine Goldfish, engagement party in teapot. Attendance mandatory. Bring snacks.
The soldier stares at the note, then at me. "…Did you just call Lady Kokomi a goldfish?"
Greg slaps his face with his tiny claws like he did not just say that.
I hand it off with a flourish. "Deliver this to Lady Divine Goldfish, will ya? Thanks."
The soldier salutes so hard I swear his helmet rattles. "Y-Yes, sir!" He runs off like I just gave him a divine mission.
Greg gives me side-eye, tail flicking like you're insufferable.
I crouch to whisper. "Don't worry, buddy. She's gonna laugh. …Right?"
Greg shakes his head. Nope.
And with that, I turn to Greg, who climbs back on my shoulder smug as ever. I grin at him. "Alright, partner! Back to the teapot. Time to unleash chaos and host the engagement of the century!"
We teleport away, the promise of absolute madness awaiting us.
_____________
End of Chapter 156
Quests Completed:
*Teleport across Teyvat and personally invite major figures to the Teapot Engagement Party.
*Invite Nahida without breaking anything in the Sanctuary.
*Convince Alhaitham to attend despite his sanity loss
*Discover at least three more hidden abilities of Greg (Dog DLC unlocked).
*Track down Barbatos using Greg's questionable lizard-sniffing powers.
*Survive Jean's slap and still secure Dawn Winery attendance
*Perform a dramatic monologue in front of Zhongli without getting interrupted
*Invite Ayaka while dodging Ayato and Thoma's brotherly glare
*Deliver a scribbled note to Kokomi calling her a goldfish, survive anyway
Rewards:
*+100 Friendship Points with Nahida (Radish Cutie Buff unlocked).
*+50 Respect from Alhaitham (Greg only).
*+1 Sack of Grapes (courtesy of Dawn Winery, probably stolen).
*+3 Slaps of Wisdom (Jean's palm imprinted on your face).
*+500 Chaos EXP (world reputation: Idiot with a Lizard increased).
*New Item: Engagement Party Hype (automatically radiates +10 excitement to allies, +20 headaches to enemies).
*Primogems ×300 (for successfully convincing half the cast to attend)
*Recipe: Radish Headpats (Specialty of Shigeru) – restores HP but lowers sanity
*Namecard: "Greg, Chaos Co-Pilot" (adorable lizard pawprint frame)
*Friendship EXP ×200 with: Nahida (Radish Cutie) Alhaitham (Biceps Grand Sage) Jean (Mrs. Ragnvindr, denied pregnancy rumors) Ayaka (traumatized by surprise headpats)
*Item: Passed-Out Bard ×1 (Venti: currently useless, but smells like wine)
Achievement Unlocked:
"International Idiot"
-Successfully invite guests from four different nations to your engagement party without dying once.
Flavor text: The world sighed, the lizard sighed, but somehow—you won.