Alright, you know what happens when you let an idiot like me hang out with my recruits and a bard who's practically made of wine? Chaos. Absolute, unstoppable chaos. The kind that makes Celestia look down and go, "Nope, we're not touching that."
After the short meeting—emphasis on short because apparently "saving Teyvat" is less urgent than free drinks—we all ended up at one of those fancyCultural-style parties. Music, wine, laughter. Dangerous combination. Especially when you add me and Venti to the mix.
I swear, This party is built different. There's a chandelier that looks like it costs more than my life, people dancing like they've never heard of bills, and food that probably requires a five-step incantation just to pronounce. Meanwhile, there's me—resident chaos incarnate—already scanning for the drinks table like it's my next mission.
Venti's already double-fisting two bottles like it's the end of the world. I stare at him, inspired. "You know what, buddy? You're right. If we're gonna drink, let's drink properly!"
He grins like a devil in choir robes. "That's the spirit! May the winds carry our liver's regrets away!"
I grab a bottle, pop the cork with my teeth—don't ask how—and take a swig straight from the bottle. It burns. Beautifully. Like my last few brain cells setting themselves on fire while cheering me on.
Zhongli, sitting all dignified beside us, is sipping tea. Tea. In a wine party.
"Bro," I say, pointing dramatically, "are you trying to be the responsible one? Because it's not working."
He smiles like a calm mountain. "Wine is not to my taste."
"Not to your—" I paused, then grinned. "Say less."
With precision only achievable by idiots and gods, I tilt my bottle over his cup. Just a little. Okay, maybe more than a little.
He blinks. Then calmly sips again. "Ah," he murmurs, "there is... an unfamiliar warmth."
Venti cheers, "He's ascending!"
"Morax's divine ascension arc begins tonight!" I declare.
Zhongli sighs, but his usual composure starts to melt away as the warmth of the wine finally reaches him. He tilts his head slightly, golden eyes softening. "I must admit... it's not unpleasant. Perhaps there's merit in indulgence once in a while."
Venti nods sagely while chugging. "See, old man? I told you! Wine heals the soul!"
Zhongli chuckles—a rare, soft sound. "Ah, Guizhong would have enjoyed this kind of night, I think." His tone turns wistful, the warmth of nostalgia mingling with the wine. "She was fond of lively gatherings... the laughter, the noise. I always preferred silence, yet somehow—somehow she made even chaos sound like music."
He looks down at his drink again, swirling it gently. "It would be nice... warm, even... once we bring her back."
I lean forward, drunk as a comet. "Bro. Don't worry. Your wife that turned into cosmic glitter will be back soon. Probably. Maybe. Depends on how much wine I drink."
Venti gasps dramatically. "The power of the grape compels him!"
I slam my fist into my palm, eyes lighting up. "Then we should abduct Albedo at once!"
Zhongli hums approvingly, and Venti nods along, the two clearly too drunk to object.
Venti claps so hard the bottle nearly flies. "Yes! Tonight!"
I slam the table. "Let's goooo!"
From the other side, Diluc lets out a long-suffering sigh. "Please don't threaten my wife's subordinate while I'm here."
I wave at him. "C'mon, Grape Juice Man, loosen up!"
He glares. "It's grape juice because wine is overrated."
"Exactly what a man named after wine would say," I mumble, then laugh so hard I nearly fall backward. "You ever realize your whole personality is irony?"
Diluc groans. "I realize a lot of things when you're around, and none of them are pleasant."
Meanwhile, Alhaitham looks like he's seriously reconsidering his life choices. He stands up. "I'll take my leave—"
But then Dehya appears, all sunshine and swagger. "Oh? A party here too? Mind if I join?"
Alhaitham blinks. Clears his throat. Pulls a chair for her like a gentleman who suddenly remembered what charm is.
I squint. "See that, little Radish?" Nahida's sitting comfortably on my lap, sipping juice with divine serenity. "That's how Lumine and I started. Though Lumine acts more like Alhaitham, and I'm just... charming."
Nahida giggles, eyes twinkling. "You mean you were loud and persistent until she gave up?"
I gasp. "How dare you—accurate."
"You're surprisingly self-aware for someone this drunk," Ayato says, appearing beside us with a boba tea in hand. I blink at it. "Where did you even get that?"
"I came prepared," he says calmly.
Signora, sitting beside him, swirls her wine. "It's rather impressive. Most of you can't even sit upright, and yet the Hydro Lord drinks pearls through a straw."
"Balance," Ayato replies with a smirk. "Hydration and chaos in perfect harmony."
"Anyway. So this is the team that's going to save Teyvat, huh?" Ayato muses.
Signora smirks. "We're doomed."
"Optimism! I love it!" I say, raising my half-empty bottle. "That's the spirit of a true Fatui!"
The chaos escalates when Lumine appears. The room temperature drops a few degrees. Nilou's behind her, trying not to laugh.
I freeze mid-drink. Swallow hard. "Ah... my doom has come."
Lumine crosses her arms. "What did I tell you about not getting too drunk?"
"Come on, Blondie," I say, swaying a little. "Let your poor ol' future husband enjoy for a while. Come! Give me a kiss!"
Nahida, giggling again, slips off my lap as I stand—well, attempt to. I wobble like a newly born deer, arms outstretched toward Lumine and Nilou.
Nilou giggles behind her hands. "He's adorable when he's drunk."
"He's impossible when he's sober," Lumine mutters.
Dehya snorts. "I'll drink to that."
Venti raises a bottle like a flag. "To Shigeru! The only man brave enough to flirt with death itself!"
Zhongli hums softly, clearly tipsy now. "Truly a fool with courage."
"A handsome fool," I correct proudly. "The universe needs balance."
Ayato adds, "More like imbalance personified."
"Thank you, Ayato! I'll take that as a compliment!"
The world spins. My heroic stride turns into a tragic collapse.
I faceplant.
Somewhere in the distance, Venti's still singing. Zhongli's mumbling about cosmic warmth. Diluc's muttering prayers. Ayato's calmly filming everything. Signora sighs like she's seen this movie before. Nilou's laughing too hard to breathe, and Lumine's already dragging me by the collar.
As consciousness slips away, I think one last thought:
"Worth it."
***
When I opened my eyes, I was already sprawled across the couch, head pounding like a drumline of hilichurls having a festival inside my skull. Everything spun for a second—until my blurry vision focused on the one person standing in front of me.
Not Lumine.
Not Nilou.
Keqing.
I jolted up like I just touched molten lava. "Whoa! Cat Lady Queen, you're here! Waddup!"
Keqing blinked, her expression somewhere between mild amusement and deep regret for existing in the same room as me. "You've changed a bit. Not as chaotic as before, aren't you?"
"Yeah, nah," I said, rubbing my neck. "Still the same idiot. I just learned to control it—you know, survival instinct. Too much chaos and Lumine kills me."
From the corner of my eye, I could feel Lumine's glare before I even saw her. That expression said one thing: We're not even married yet and you're already cheating?
Beside her, Nilou was smiling—a sweet, lovely smile that translated to I'll kill you later in your sleep.
I swallowed hard and laughed awkwardly. "Aha... ladies, you're both up early! How was your beauty sleep?"
Lumine didn't answer. Nilou just kept smiling. I swear the temperature in the teapot mansion dropped at least ten degrees. Greg, from his corner throne, slowly lifted his head and gave me the slowest blink of judgment I've ever seen. Betrayal in reptile form. He then raised a tiny claw like he was taking notes for my funeral arrangements.
Keqing, being the blessed soul that she is, just sighed and said with a small smile, "It's nice seeing you again, Shigeru."
I grinned, trying to play it cool despite my brain still floating somewhere between existence and alcohol fumes. "Likewise, Cat Lady. Still rocking that Yuheng energy, huh?"
She chuckled softly. "You haven't changed at all." Her gaze drifted toward Lumine, who was still staring at me with eyes that could melt steel. Keqing gave a knowing smile. "Seems like you have a lot to deal with after this. Good luck."
I nodded weakly. "Yeah, thanks. I'll... need it."
Before she left, Keqing leaned close to Lumine and whispered something. I couldn't hear what, but whatever it was made Lumine's glare fade into a sigh, and then—a tiny smile. Nilou giggled beside her.
And just like that, Keqing was gone.
The moment the door closed, I immediately flopped back onto the sofa, arms spread wide in defeat. "Alright, I accept my fate. Execute me gently."
Lumine marched over, her footsteps echoing like divine judgment. Nilou followed, still smiling. Not a good sign.
"We were gone for a while," Lumine said, crossing her arms, "and another girl already approaches you?"
"Blondie, it wasn't my fault!" I raised my hands in surrender. "I was dead drunk!"
"That's the problem!" Lumine smacked me lightly on the head. "We keep telling you not to get too drunk!"
"It was a moment of hot men and impulse!" I blurted out before realizing what I said.
Her hand came down again. Smack!
"It was a moment of idiocy!" she snapped.
Right on cue, Greg entered through the window like some kind of reptilian judge. He smacked me across the cheek with his tail, then climbed up to his tiny throne near the fireplace. Judgment delivered. Case closed. He puffed his chest like he just won an argument and gave a small approving nod toward Lumine, as if declaring, Justice served.
Nilou placed her hands together and gave Lumine a soft look. "There, there. Calm down, Lumine. At least he enjoyed today."
I grinned, half-proud, half-dying. "Oh, I totally did, goddess!"
From the kitchen, Paimon floated out holding a mug of tea. "It seems like it. Whenever he's too happy, he ends up dead drunk. Paimon is used to him by now."
"Shut it, floaty," I muttered, slumping deeper into the couch. "Your opinions don't count."
Paimon gasped, offended. "Excuse you! Paimon always counts!" She crossed her arms and floated closer, bonking my forehead with her tiny fist. "That's for disrespecting your supervisor!"
Greg nodded solemnly from his throne as if agreeing. Great. Even my lizard's against me. He then mimed scratching his chin, as if pondering my next punishment. Probably the vacuum.
Lumine sighed. "Fine. Let's clean up a bit. The guests are almost gone."
I gasped dramatically. "Wait, what!? I didn't even showcase my talents to anyone!"
"That's because you passed out mid-event!" she snapped. "Now get up and start doing chores!"
I groaned, dragging myself off the couch like a corpse being resurrected. "Kaaay..."
As I started sweeping, Nilou hummed beside me, her movements graceful even while cleaning. Lumine was giving out orders like a general preparing for war. Paimon was supervising with her usual smugness, and Greg was polishing his throne by licking it—don't ask how, don't ask why.
Midway through sweeping, I couldn't help but mutter, "You know, I once dreamed of being a hero saving the world. Now I'm cleaning my own living room under three divine glares. Truly, life humbles you fast."
Greg flicked his tail at me again as if saying, Keep talking, mortal, and you'll mop next. Then he dramatically yawned and turned his back like some ancient emperor dismissing his servant.
I glared at him. "I feed you, you know that?"
He blinked once. The audacity.
Nilou giggled softly, and Lumine sighed again, though a faint smile tugged at her lips. "You sure about that?" she asked, half-amused.
"Totally. Unless the punishment involves vacuuming."
Paimon crossed her arms. "Guess what your next task is, idiot."
I froze mid-sweep. "...Floaty, we can talk about this."
Nilou giggled again, covering her mouth as Lumine handed me the broom with a terrifying smile. "Don't worry, love. You can handle it. You always find new ways to make messes—you might as well clean them too."
Greg gave a silent salute with his tail as Paimon floated over like a smug foreman ready to inspect.
And that's how I, the supposed hero of Teyvat, ended up sweeping the floor while hungover, judged by my fiancées, scolded by a floating deity, and side-eyed by a smug lizard.
Some heroes get statues. I get chores.
Best. Morning. Ever.
***
When the cleaning was finally done and the teapot realm had gone quiet, I decided to take a breather outside. I plopped myself down on the wooden bench under the sakura tree, letting out a long sigh. The air smelled faintly of tea and flowers, and for the first time today, the place didn't feel like a chaotic festival.
No guests. No fancy decorations. No judgmental birds staring down at me like I stole their worms. And most importantly—no Hot Men Club meetings happening in my yard.
Peace.
"Ahh… such peace," I muttered, taking a deep breath—and immediately inhaled one of the petals.
I choked. Hard.
"Ack—! The sakura's trying to kill me again!" I flailed around for a second, smacking my chest until the leaf finally gave up on assassinating me. I leaned back, wheezing. "That's it. Nature hates me."
Greg, perched lazily on a branch above, flicked his tail as if to say, You brought this on yourself.
"Don't look at me like that, you scaly judgment machine," I said. "You didn't even help. You were supposed to be my emotional support lizard."
Greg blinked slowly, unimpressed. Then yawned. Typical.
Once I recovered, I looked up at the sky. The sun was setting, painting the horizon in golds and pinks. It was beautiful—and that immediately made me suspicious.
"You know," I said to no one in particular, or probably to Greg, who was still looking like a smug rock, "Can't wait for the universe to explode in five minutes. Because let's be honest, after peaceful times like this, something always blows up."
Greg tilted his head, like he agreed.
"See? Even you know how it goes. The moment peace settles in, boom! Suddenly, a god falls from the sky or Lumine finds a cursed relic that screams at us in twelve different languages."
Greg flicked his tongue out. Possibly in agreement. Or mockery. Hard to tell with him.
Then, right on cue, footsteps echoed behind me. I turned slightly and saw Lumine approaching. Golden hair, calm expression, slightly judging aura. She was carrying a small tray with tea—probably to make sure I didn't choke on another petal.
She sat beside me, crossing her legs. "What are you talking to yourself about this time?"
"Sup, Blondie? Missed me already?" I said, leaning back and giving her my best smirk.
She rolled her eyes but leaned on my shoulder anyway. "Dream on."
"Yeah, yeah. Love you too." I chuckled, feeling the weight of her head rest against me. The world went silent again, but in a good way this time. Just us. The sakura tree. The breeze.
For once, I didn't feel like the walking disaster of Teyvat.
After a while, we started talking about random things—our adventures, our chaotic journeys, and all the times I almost died because of poor life choices. Which, to be fair, was like every week.
"Remember Mondstadt?" I said. "Saving that emo dragon who needed therapy more than freedom?"
Lumine laughed softly. "You mean Dvalin? You called him a glorified sky lizard."
"Well, was I wrong?"
"You tried to ride him like a mount."
"Okay, that one was a misunderstanding! I just wanted a cool entrance!"
She sighed. "You screamed 'YEEHAW' in the middle of the fight."
"...It was for morale."
Greg snorted. Yes. Snorted. I swear I heard it.
Then Lumine continued, amusement lacing her tone. "Then Liyue… fighting Childe, and a water god, and you tried to flirt with him mid-battle."
"Hey, that was called psychological warfare. I had to throw him off."
"You said you called him 'Ginger Daddy.'"
"Exactly. Tactical flirting."
She sighed again, shaking her head but smiling. "Inazuma was next. The Raiden Shogun cried because of us."
"Yeah… that was a weird day. I didn't expect to survive that one." I paused, remembering it vividly. "Then there was the Chasm. We got stuck underground with Bow Mommy Yelan, the cutesy lawyer Yanfei, Itto, and Shinobu."
"Oh, that was fun," Lumine said, smirking. "You tried to impress Yelan by doing push-ups."
"Hey, she looked impressed!"
"She wasn't."
"Tragic."
Greg hopped down and started scratching the dirt beside my foot, probably trying to dig himself a grave from secondhand embarrassment.
Then came Sumeru. Irminsul. Nahida. The puppet gundam. All the heavy stuff. But right now, under this quiet tree, it almost felt like those things happened to someone else.
I leaned back, exhaling slowly. Maybe I should enjoy this moment. Just this once.
Then Lumine looked up at me, her voice calm but with that dangerous curiosity I knew too well. "Hey, Shigeru?"
"Yeah?"
"What do you think of Keqing?"
I blinked. "The Cat Lady?" I tilted my head, pretending to think. "Hmm… she's cool. Strong even. And can file paperwork faster than Paimon inhaling snacks."
Lumine gave me a long sigh. "I didn't mean as the Yuheng. I meant as Keqing. Just… Keqing."
I squinted suspiciously. "This feels like a trap."
She smacked me on the head. "It's not a trap, you idiot!"
"Yeah, nah, Blondie. I've seen this movie before. Next thing I know, I say one wrong thing and boom—I'm a head shorter. Literally."
Lumine groaned. "Just answer the question! You even flirted with her before, remember? Back in Liyue."
"I did?"
She deadpanned. "You did. Midair. While fighting a Water God's wife."
"Oh."
Before I could come up with a decent defense, a soft voice joined from my other side.
"I'm curious too," Nilou said, sitting down beside me with that angelic smile of hers. "Lady Keqing seems very nice."
"You too, Goddess?!" I said dramatically, clutching my chest.
Nilou nodded enthusiastically, her red hair bouncing. "Mhm!"
Greg hopped back onto the bench, tilting his head toward me like this is gonna be good.
I sighed dramatically, leaning forward and rubbing my temples. "Welp, guess this is it. Tell my story to Greg. Tell him I died bravely."
Lumine raised an eyebrow. "Just answer the question."
"You guys aren't gonna kill me if I say the wrong thing, right?"
"No promises," Lumine said flatly.
Nilou giggled. "Don't worry, we won't."
Her tone didn't help.
I rested my chin on my hand, pretending to be deep in thought. In reality, I was buying time. My brain was desperately searching for an escape route. Preferably one that didn't involve Lumine's sword or Nilou's disappointed look.
After a long, theatrical sigh, I said, "Now that I think about it… I think I do."
Lumine gave a knowing sigh, then smiled. She looked at Nilou, who returned it with that radiant expression that could probably cure wars.
"Alright," Lumine said calmly.
Nilou nodded. "Yeah, I think it's fine as well."
I blinked. "Wait. What does that even mean?"
They both smiled at me, mischievous glints in their eyes.
"That's a secret," they said in perfect sync, and bolted back inside the house.
I stared after them, utterly lost. "...Sometimes, I'm really curious where they get their energy from. Geez."
Greg flicked his tail again and climbed back onto the bench, curling up beside me like a smug rock.
"Don't you start too," I muttered, patting his head. He flicked his tongue out in response, which I chose to interpret as affection.
I leaned back on the bench again, staring up at the endless sky, petals drifting down around me.
"Peaceful times, huh…" I muttered, smirking. "Yeah, this definitely means something's gonna explode soon. And when it does… oh, I'm gonna cause chaos again."
Greg lifted his head slightly, gave me the most unimpressed look a lizard could possibly give, and went back to sleep.
"Don't give me that look," I said. "You know I'm right."
_____________
End of Chapter 160
Quests Completed:
*Initiate Operation "Let Zhongli Drink" — succeed, somehow, against all moral expectations.*Witness Zhongli, Venti, and Shigeru achieve a spiritual connection through alcohol and emotional damage.
*Host the most chaotic inter-Archon party Teyvat has ever witnessed (with wine, wisdom, and questionable decisions).*Perform psychological warfare on Diluc with tactical nicknames and poor life choices.*Attempt to abduct Albedo for "science" — fail spectacularly but gain moral support from Venti.*Survive Dehya's surprise entrance and Alhaitham's sudden realization that he's in a sitcom.*Make Nahida giggle, an event so rare it's now considered divine.*Face Lumine's Wrath (Final Form) and live to tell the tale.*Get judged by Greg, scolded by Lumine, consoled by Nilou, and pitied by Paimon—all before breakfast.*Complete the Hangover Trial: Sweep, mop, and vacuum the teapot realm under divine supervision.*Achieve temporary domestic peace under the sakura tree — only to inhale a petal and nearly die.*Engage in post-battle dialogue with Lumine and Nilou — survive their joint interrogation with 0 brain cells remaining.*Witness Greg's "Blink of Disappointment" — an omen of eternal mockery.*Unknowingly trigger a new future event flag involving Keqing (and possible death).*Enjoy ten minutes of tranquility before fate inevitably starts loading the next disaster
Rewards:
*Mora ×250,000 (Mostly spent on cleaning supplies and wine damage repair)*Hangover Resistance +1 (Temporary, lasts until the next party)*Nilou Affection Points +100 (She found your suffering adorable)*Lumine Trust Points +150 (You actually cleaned this time)*Greg's Judgmental Blink ×1 (Legendary, untradeable, soul-bound)*Paimon's Supervisor Badge (Gives +10% Cleaning Efficiency, -100% Pride)*New Item: "Mystery Petal of Doom" – Causes spontaneous choking when inhaled.*+1 New Passive: "Drunken Diplomacy" – All charisma checks succeed while tipsy but fail immediately after.*+1 Emotional Damage Stack (Self-inflicted, recurring)*+300 Household EXP (Unlocked: Mop Mastery Lv.2)*+1 Temporary Blessing: "Peace Under Sakura" – Restores 10 sanity per minute when sitting near Lumine and Nilou.*+1 Bottle of Greg's Tail Polish (Used automatically in judgment scenes)*+3 Cleaning Streak Combo – Vacuum, Sweep, Regret.*+1000 "Simp EXP" (Lumine smiled; Nilou laughed; your heart combusted)*+1 Relationship Perk: "Shared Chaos Immunity" – Lumine and Nilou's tolerance for your idiocy slightly increases.*+1 Hidden Stat: "Domestic Durability" – You can now survive three smacks in a row without fainting.*+1 Boba Tea of Ayato's Approval (Buffs charm for 10 minutes; smells like expensive judgment)*+500 Mental Recovery (Because you survived both Lumine and Nilou's "talk")*+1 Achievement Unlocked Notification Delay (To make you think you're safe before the next disaster)*+1 Legendary Title: "The Hero Who Swept" (Mocked, but respected)