All the raging anxiety I had from afternoon till the night spiked the moment the phone rang , I was supposed to pick it up but I refused to so my sister did , the phone held near her ear and after a few seconds her face of disbelief started to show , her trembling voice said to me " he said …., that we another brother now ?, can you believe this ", she expected to me react , maybe my reaction should've been more intense but I was too exhausted to pretend and act shocked . she stormed to her room and locked the door , I told my brother about what just happened , he was too young to process this , he just sat silently spaced out .
I go to my room all exhausted and needing to isolate myself , I put on my headphones and put on a song , in the dark room in the whirling of the fan air , overwhelming sadness hit me , I sobbed for hours , I couldn't leave the room in this state , I fell asleep soon after , I wake at early morning with a full bladder , after relieving myself I see my sister in the living room , she hadn't slept much , she offered we watch a drama together , that drama was so good it made me forget all the things that transpired a few hours ago . she asks me " do you want to go see the baby ?, dad says he will take us to the hospital and to get ready ", I replied sternly " no , I will not ", maybe my expression looked so hateful and malicious that my sister backed away and didn't try to ask me again .
I was grossed out , I was disgusted , not by myself but my parents . The circle of life is filthy , I wished I could end it right here ,I wish I could kill everybody , I refuse to look them in the eye , disgusting ! . Just living , no introspection , trying to induce liveliness , straight up fucking your way through life . To anyone relating , no excuses , kill yourself right now , oh god I'm itching to kill one you , my imaginary rationale , trying to convince me to forgive , questioning the legitimacy of my anger , once you finish talking I will slit your throat , I will burn your family alive , how dare you question this poisoned heart , my dear poisoned heart . I felt like I had fire running through my veins , the agony spiked me .
If you are a pregnant woman I have no respect for you , if you are a man with a pregnant wife I don't respect you either . You guys already talked to me in a simulation , I already erased you , I erased the jesters to entropy , it makes me giggle with happiness . All of you trying to make me a jester to entropy , telling me stories , I would rip your tongue out and shove it down your throat , don't tell me why you love your parents , I will rip your genitals off .
My mother had asked about me , my family at last realized that the love I had for babies was exclusively for others' kids as all their attempts to get me to warm up to the baby failed . I had no hatred or grudge towards the baby instead it was my parents , they refused to acknowledge that me and my siblings would need to bear the brunt of having a baby in a teenage household .
They were both out of shape and old , they took help from my sister implying it was only natural she does help while I was actively taunted and scolded for not helping . I was not as gentle and accepting as my sister , I now started instigating arguments to spite them , they stopped demanding my help . But my hatred would fluctuate every time the baby caused a tantrum , the blame was always on them . It could've been a stable , ideal life , devoid of disorder and chaos , my parents ruined it all , made me a jester to entropy .
But my dear brother , you will not inherit my poison heart but loving you openly will make my mother think she won . who is still a bitch , should've died , still wish her to die , but I'm quite fond of you , so much so , it doesn't bother me that she gave birth to you , not one bit .
Now with all this going on , my porn addiction , yes , it was pretty strong and how strong were we talking ?, in average 3 times a day . with frequent headaches , brain fog and mood swings , life was like road with 10 meter deep potholes , the pothole in which I set my own ecosystem of degenerate addiction . I soon found my father being wary of others using his phone , something seemed wrong , his password stayed the same , the video player was clean but the safe folder was locked , it had the same password as the lock screen , it took a few seconds to load and when it loaded I saw thumbnails of porn with no lack of variety but low resolution . I was so disappointed , a man with wife and kids being addicted to porn . I could never look at him the same way again, a few days ago I was afraid of being caught but now he is instead of me , how the tables have turned . I no longer had guilt about my addiction and I lost any respect I had for my father .
I could still try to understand him , ever since the baby was born there was no peaceful night sleep , no privacy and no breakfast made for him in the morning . My mother was lazy and weak , she threw tantrums still , sometimes acting weak to gain attention . she never was ready to admit her faults and understand others , before she might've been in a bad mood sometimes but now she is insufferable .
I can't pretend to love or respect her, she had no redeeming traits , she did the bare minimum of cooking as a housewife . To me she was just a person who lived in the same house as me , I sometimes pretended to care about her otherwise it would've been just another of her tantrums .
Anyways I gooned till midnight , found some of the videos I saw on the thumbnail , wanted to vomit but that won't solve shit , just went to sleep .