Omake NO MORE!
The battle resumed.
Gandalf stood in the center of the battered courtyard with his staff planted against the stones and an empty pipe clenched between his teeth. His robes hung from his shoulders with the sort of effortless dignity that only several thousand years of practice could produce, and his beard remained magnificent enough to make the other two examples currently present look like amateur work.
Bo's thick black beard had grown into a full, luxuriant mass that fell well past her chest, an impressive piece of facial hair that looked spectacular on absolutely the wrong person. Kenzi had fared differently. Her long black hair framed a sharply sculpted black goatee that looked less like an accidental curse and more like she'd deliberately commissioned it before announcing a new line of weapons technology. Worse, she liked it. Bo had already caught her stroking the thing several times.
"Would you stop doing that?" Bo asked when Kenzi's fingers wandered toward it again.
"Can't, Bo-Bo. It makes me smarter." Kenzi gave the goatee another thoughtful stroke and narrowed her eyes at the courtyard as though contemplating a hostile corporate takeover. "I understand engineering now. Also sunglasses."
"You look ridiculous."
"I look rich."
"You have twenty dollars."
"Twenty-seven. Don't diminish my empire."
Gandalf slowly removed the empty pipe from his mouth, and that was enough to end the argument. His gaze settled on the two women while he tucked the pipe carefully into his robes and adjusted his grip on his staff. The movement was perfectly calm, but Kenzi had spent enough time around dangerous people to recognize when calm had stopped meaning peaceful.
She leaned slightly toward Bo without taking her eyes off him. "Bo-Bo, I think Gandalf has reached the acceptance stage."
Bo watched the old wizard straighten, his expression serene in a way that promised absolutely nothing good. "No. That's the 'fuck everyone in this general direction' stage."
Gandalf smiled.
"Wizard swag," Kenzi murmured.
"Wizard swag," Gandalf agreed, sweeping his staff outward with enough theatrical authority to make the gesture itself feel magical. "I CAST ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY WALK INTO MORDOR!"
The countryside beyond the courtyard wall disappeared behind a mountain. It did not rise gradually. One moment there were green hills beneath an ordinary sky, and the next an enormous black volcanic peak dominated the horizon beneath boiling red clouds. Fire poured from its summit, the courtyard stones trembled beneath their feet, and a burning Eye opened high above the mountain before turning its attention toward the three people responsible for its sudden existence.
Bo stared at it. Kenzi slowly lowered her wand. "Okay. That's a flex."
Gandalf stroked his beard.
The Eye looked away.
Kenzi's mouth fell open. "Did Sauron just decide he didn't want that smoke?"
Gandalf's smile gained several centuries of wizard swagger.
Before Bo could answer, reality split open above the courtyard. The tear arrived without warning, a jagged wound cutting through empty air before ejecting two men into the middle of the battlefield. The first landed upright, stumbled half a step and immediately moved clear of the opening. The second came through wrapped in a long black leather duster and tangled with what appeared to be a hockey stick, hitting the stones with a curse while the rupture snapped shut behind them.
Hunter barely spared the second man a glance. He was staring past Gandalf at the volcanic mountain that had absolutely no business being there, then at the burning Eye hanging above it, and finally at the grey-robed wizard standing in the courtyard beneath an enormous pointed hat.
"Holy shit. Gandalf."
Gandalf inclined his head, apparently satisfied with the recognition.
Hunter looked toward Mordor once more before returning his attention to him. "Okay. Either you're actually Gandalf or somebody has committed to this cosplay way too fucking hard."
"Everybody knows Gandalf," Kenzi said, looking triumphantly at Bo.
"Apparently."
The second newcomer had gotten himself untangled and risen to his full height, which was considerable. The hockey stick came with him, along with a wooden drumstick sitting in a holster beneath his coat. Hunter's attention caught on both before his expression immediately soured.
"You're a wizard."
The tall man's eyebrows rose. "That's a hell of an assumption."
"You've got a hockey stick for a staff and a drumstick for a blasting rod."
Dresden glanced down at both. "Observant."
"Unfortunately."
The stranger brushed the remaining dust from his duster while taking in the three people already occupying the courtyard. His attention lingered briefly on Gandalf before moving over the two bearded women and finally returning to Hunter. When he introduced himself, the pause was small but deliberate. "Harry. Dresden."
Hunter caught it immediately. "Cute."
Dresden's eyes narrowed.
"Harry. Dresden," Hunter repeated, putting the same separation between the words. "Two pieces. No Name."
That earned him a much more careful look. "You know about Names."
"I know enough about magic to know why I hate it."
Kenzi perked up at that. "Wait, you hate magic?"
"Yes."
"Like all magic?"
"That's usually what 'hate magic' means."
Bo folded her arms beneath the enormous beard. "We're witches."
Hunter looked at the wands, then the beards, then back at her. "I had gathered."
Kenzi gave her goatee another slow stroke. "And what's wrong with witches?"
"Magic."
She put a hand over her heart as though he'd wounded her personally. Hunter rolled his eyes and told her to fuck off, which proved to be a tactical error the moment her expression changed.
"Please," Kenzi purred.
Bo's smile became considerably warmer beneath several inches of beard. "You could ask nicer."
Hunter stared at them while Kenzi waggled her eyebrows, then turned toward Gandalf instead. "I'm starting to understand why you fight these people."
"I find them delightful."
"Of course you do."
Dresden disguised a laugh as a cough, earning a glare from Hunter before he turned his attention back toward the much larger problem on the horizon. Mordor was still there. The Eye was still pretending not to look at Gandalf. More importantly, nobody else seemed particularly concerned about either of those facts.
Dresden pointed toward the mountain with his hockey stick. "Did you do that?"
Gandalf rested both hands atop his staff. "I cast it."
"You cast Mordor."
"Not precisely."
Kenzi helpfully supplied the missing information. "He cast 'One Does Not Simply Walk Into Mordor.'"
Dresden stared at her, then at Gandalf. "That's not a spell."
Bo laughed. "Welcome to the problem."
Hunter looked between them. "What problem?"
Kenzi's grin returned. "Oh, you missed Round One."
"There was a Round One?"
"There were wenches."
"There were curses," Bo added.
"There were majestic beards."
Bo glared at her.
Kenzi stroked her goatee. "Some more majestic than others."
Gandalf raised his staff before Bo could respond. "Perhaps a demonstration would be more illuminating."
Dresden's attention sharpened immediately. Hunter's did too, though for entirely different reasons. The former leaned forward with professional curiosity while the latter took a deliberate step away from the wizard.
Gandalf swept his staff toward Dresden.
"I CAST WIZARD SWAG!"
Dresden's hockey stick transformed. Silver runes raced along the shaft, a crystal erupted from the top, and the taped grip became black leather chased with gold. His duster snapped outward in a wind that existed exclusively for him while a massive pointed wizard hat materialized on his head. The drumstick at his side acquired its own tiny holster covered in silver stars.
Somewhere, an electric guitar began playing.
Dresden froze. Hunter stared. Bo bit her lip while Kenzi looked him slowly up and down.
"Oh, damn."
Dresden reached up and touched the brim of his hat. "What the hell did you do?"
"Wizard swag," Gandalf repeated.
"That's not an explanation."
"It is an accurate description."
Dresden pulled at the hat. It refused to move. He pulled harder, and the hat responded by growing another foot taller while the mysterious guitar transitioned into a solo.
Hunter pointed at him. "Stop fucking with it."
"I don't want the hat."
"Then stop making it bigger."
"I'm not making it bigger!"
Kenzi nodded toward Gandalf. "You gotta admit, though. Wizard knows his wizard swag."
Dresden released the hat and turned toward Gandalf with the expression of a man who had just discovered an entirely new violation of natural law. "There was no incantation structure, no circle, no sympathetic link and no preparation. You just said something."
"Yes."
"And it worked."
"Yes."
"That's bullshit."
Gandalf's smile widened.
Kenzi raised her wand. "Now you're getting it. I CAST GASLIGHT, GATEKEEP, GIRLBOSS!"
Three women appeared.
The first stepped directly in front of Dresden and informed him with absolute confidence that the wizard hat had always been there. The second slammed an iron gate between Hunter and everyone else. The third appeared atop the courtyard wall in a tailored suit, immediately acquired a clipboard, and began ordering a group of newly manifested interns to monetize Mordor.
Hunter stared through the bars while Kenzi admired her handiwork. Bo looked up at the woman on the wall, who was already demanding quarterly projections from Sauron.
"Okay," Kenzi said. "I love this spell."
Dresden ignored the gaslighter assuring him that hockey sticks had always glowed. His eyes were fixed on Kenzi. "You didn't know that would happen."
"Nope."
"You didn't know what the spell would do."
"Not even a little."
"But you expected it to do something."
"Yep."
Hunter gripped the gate. "Can somebody get rid of this?"
Kenzi looked at him. "You could ask nicely."
"Fuck you."
Her smile immediately returned. "Still yes."
Bo laughed as Hunter closed his eyes, visibly reconsidered his vocabulary and chose not to continue. Gandalf took pity on him before either woman could make it worse, lifting his staff and declaring, "I CAST YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
The iron gate vanished.
Every other exit sealed instead.
Doors slammed shut. Windows bricked themselves over. The archway disappeared behind solid stone. Even a crack in the courtyard wall zipped itself closed with a tiny grinding sound.
Hunter looked around. "That is the opposite of helping."
Gandalf considered the result. "So it would seem."
Dresden was fascinated. He walked to the nearest sealed arch and ran his hand over stone that had not existed seconds earlier, then tapped it with his newly decorated hockey stick. "This isn't illusion. It actually altered the structure."
Hunter stared at him. "Why are you excited?"
"Because this shouldn't work."
"Then we're done. It shouldn't work. Mystery solved."
"That's not how mysteries work."
"It's how survival works."
Kenzi pointed her wand at the sealed archway. "I CAST UNO REVERSE!"
The courtyard violently opened. Doors, bricks, shutters, gates and several architectural features that had never been closed in the first place launched outward. The gate from Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss reappeared long enough to fly backward over the wall. One of the newly created interns screamed as a window frame sailed past his head.
The Eye of Sauron watched the debris disappear into the distance before looking back at Gandalf.
Gandalf shrugged.
Dresden stared at the now-open archway. "Okay. Semantic inversion."
Hunter groaned. "Don't name it."
"Why?"
"Because then you'll start experimenting."
Dresden turned toward him. "I'm absolutely going to start experimenting."
"Of course you fucking are."
Dresden drew the drumstick from its holster and pointed it toward an empty patch of courtyard. He hesitated, professional instinct visibly fighting with the knowledge that he was about to deliberately perform something he considered magical nonsense. Eventually curiosity won.
"I CAST THE BUILDING WAS ON FIRE AND IT WASN'T MY FAULT!"
The abandoned building beside the courtyard burst into flames.
A parchment appeared in front of Dresden. He caught it and stared at the large block lettering across the top.
OFFICIAL FINDING
HARRY DRESDEN BEARS NO LEGAL, MORAL, MAGICAL, KARMIC, NARRATIVE, OR INSURANCE LIABILITY FOR THIS FIRE.
A second line appeared beneath it.
SERIOUSLY. IT WASN'T HIM.
Bo leaned over to read it while Kenzi started laughing. Hunter looked from the burning building to Dresden, who was now holding what appeared to be metaphysical proof of innocence.
"No."
Dresden looked up. "This is incredible."
"No, it's stupid."
"It's both."
"That's worse."
Dresden examined the parchment again, and Hunter could practically watch the scientific method being strangled by wizard curiosity. Gandalf was openly enjoying himself, Bo had become resigned to the madness, and Kenzi was already looking around for her next target.
The next several minutes only made things worse. Gandalf cast Keep Your Secrets and temporarily imprisoned Dresden inside an enormous wooden door. Kenzi retaliated with No U, which caused every accusation directed at her to physically reverse course toward the speaker. Bo discovered that Unreasonable Sexual Tension could make two stone gargoyles abandon their posts to stare longingly at one another across the courtyard.
Dresden responded with Polka Will Never Die.
An accordion orchestra marched out of thin air.
Hunter stood off to one side and refused to participate.
This became increasingly difficult when the accordions grew legs.
Gandalf watched the procession with approval before raising his staff. "I CAST OLD MAN GAME!"
Every accordion acquired a white beard.
Kenzi doubled over laughing. Bo had to lean against the fountain, while Dresden stared at the bearded instruments with the manic satisfaction of someone whose understanding of reality had already broken and who had decided to take notes from inside the wreckage.
Hunter hated all of them.
Then Kenzi noticed he was still the only person who hadn't cast anything.
She wandered over while Gandalf and Dresden argued about whether Polka Will Never Die constituted necromancy, stopping beside Hunter with her hands tucked casually behind her back. "Come on. One spell."
"No."
"Scared?"
Hunter didn't even look at her. "I don't use magic."
Kenzi stroked her goatee as though this confirmed a deeply held suspicion. "Can't do it. Gotcha."
That got his attention. "Didn't say can't."
"Sounded like can't."
Bo glanced over from the fountain and smiled. "Definitely sounded like can't."
Hunter looked between the two women. He knew exactly what they were doing, and the fact that both of them knew he knew did nothing to make it less irritating. "Fuck you."
Bo's smile turned decidedly warmer. "Please."
Kenzi leaned against her shoulder and gave Hunter an appreciative once-over. "See? He already knows the important incantations."
Hunter stared at them, reconsidered several recent choices and wisely abandoned that line of attack. Unfortunately, Kenzi was already stroking the goatee again.
"Still can't cast it."
Hunter looked around the courtyard. There were bearded accordions marching past a burning building for which Dresden possessed supernatural proof of innocence. Two gargoyles were making eyes at each other. Gandalf stood in the middle of it all with enough wizard swagger to make the pointed hat look understated. This was bullshit. Every single part of it was bullshit.
Fine.
Hunter pointed toward the courtyard. "I CAST FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT!"
The stones split.
A colossal brass dial rose from beneath the courtyard, shedding broken masonry as it climbed. FUCK AROUND occupied the first half of its face. FIND OUT occupied the second. A heavy needle rested at zero while a small counter beneath it clicked into existence.
FUCKERY DETECTED: EXTENSIVE
Hunter stared at it.
Kenzi slowly grinned. "Oh, this is gonna be good."
The needle moved.
Hunter pointed at it. "Why did it move?"
Dresden stepped closer. "You fucked around."
"I cast the fucking thing!"
"Exactly."
The needle climbed.
Hunter looked at Gandalf. "Make it stop."
Gandalf stroked his beard. "I believe that would constitute further fucking around."
The needle jumped again. Hunter looked at Kenzi, who was visibly struggling not to laugh, and warned her not to say a word. She mimed zipping her lips.
The needle moved.
"What the fuck did she do?"
Bo laughed. "Apparently malicious compliance counts."
The needle accelerated.
Hunter's eyes widened. "Oh, fuck you."
Bo and Kenzi answered together.
"Please."
The needle slammed into FIND OUT.
Hunter disappeared.
Dresden blinked at the empty space. A second later Hunter fell out of the sky, hit the courtyard hard enough to crack one of the paving stones and rolled through the impact before coming back to his feet already furious. The enormous brass dial had reset itself to zero as though it hadn't just thrown him through whatever metaphysical hell qualified as FIND OUT, and Kenzi was visibly fighting for her life not to laugh.
"Not a word."
She pressed her lips together and nodded, which was somehow worse. Bo wasn't doing much better, Dresden had developed the unmistakable look of a man cataloguing everything for later experimentation, and Gandalf simply stood there with his staff and magnificent beard, radiating enough quiet amusement to make Hunter want to hit something.
Then he noticed the beards.
Bo still had enough black facial hair to qualify as a minor woodland creature. Kenzi was stroking her sharply groomed goatee again, while Gandalf's remained the sort of ancient wizard beard against which all lesser beards would inevitably be judged. Hunter looked between the three of them and decided he could at least accomplish something useful before swearing this nonsense off forever.
He raised a hand. "I CAST EVERYONE BUT ME LOSES THEIR BEARD!"
Three soft fwumps followed.
Bo's beard vanished completely. She slapped both hands against her suddenly bare face, felt smooth skin and broke into the biggest smile Hunter had seen from her since arriving. "Oh, thank God."
Beside her, Kenzi's fingers closed around empty air where her goatee had been. She felt around her chin twice, apparently hoping reality might reconsider, before her shoulders sagged. "Awwww. I looked awesome."
Gandalf said nothing.
His beard was gone.
The courtyard became very quiet.
Gandalf slowly raised one hand and passed it over his bare chin. He contemplated the sensation with the grave dignity of a wizard confronted by a fundamental alteration to the natural order, then turned his eyes toward Hunter.
Hunter looked back at him. "What?"
Gandalf planted his staff against the stones. "I have faced Balrogs in the deep places of the world. I have stood before the armies of Mordor. I have returned from death itself."
Hunter waited.
Gandalf's eyes narrowed.
"You have gone too far."
Kenzi immediately pointed at him. "See? That's what I said."
"You said 'awwww.'"
"Same emotional core."
Bo was still happily rubbing her face. "I'm with Hunter."
"Of course you are," Kenzi muttered. "You have no appreciation for facial art."
Hunter gave Bo a slow once-over before flashing her a grin. "Careful. Keep taking my side and I might start thinking you meant that offer earlier."
Bo's eyes darkened with immediate interest. "Oh, I meant it."
Hunter's grin widened.
She stepped closer. "We fight first."
"Okay."
"Then fuck."
"Better."
"Then fight again."
Hunter nodded appreciatively. "I like where this is going."
"Then fuck again."
"Marry me."
Bo laughed.
"Hey!" Kenzi stepped between them with genuine offense written across her face. "Absolutely not. I called dibs."
Bo stared at her. "You did not."
"I said please first."
"That's not dibs."
"It's sex dibs, Bo-Bo. Ancient and sacred law."
Hunter looked between them. "I'm willing to let the courts sort this out."
Kenzi turned on him. "And don't think beard murder gets you out of this. I'm still mad at you."
"You still interested?"
"Obviously." She jabbed a finger against his chest. "But I'm hitting it before Bo."
Bo caught her by the shoulders and pulled her backward. "Get in line."
"There was no line until you invented one!"
"There is now."
Hunter watched the two women begin arguing over an event that was absolutely not going to happen, decided there were considerably worse ways to spend an afternoon, and leaned slightly toward Dresden. "I like this universe."
Dresden glanced at Bo and Kenzi, then at Gandalf's missing beard. "Give it a minute."
Hunter looked over.
Gandalf raised his staff.
"Oh, right."
"I CAST BEARD OF THE ISTARI!"
Gandalf's beard returned with a thunderclap.
It did not merely grow back. It descended.
A vast silver-white beard poured from his chin, swept over his robes, reached the courtyard stones and continued outward in an expanding wave of immaculate wizardly hair. Kenzi jumped backward as it rolled past her boots. Bo scrambled onto the fountain before it could engulf her ankles, while Dresden planted his hockey-stick staff into the stones and watched several yards of beard flow around it.
Hunter stared at Gandalf.
The old wizard stood in the middle of the silver tide, staff in hand, beard spreading across the courtyard like the world's most dignified natural disaster.
"Wizard swag."
Hunter pointed at him. "That is too much fucking beard."
Gandalf stroked a section of it. "There is no such thing."
Hunter stared at the beard for another moment before pointing toward Gandalf with the confidence of a man who had learned absolutely nothing from his previous experiences.
"I CAST FIST!"
CHUNK.
Hunter's right hand detached at the wrist.
Nobody moved.
Two tiny jet nozzles unfolded from the back of the fist.
Hunter stared at it. "What."
FWOOSH!
The fist rocketed across the courtyard, shot directly past Gandalf and stopped in front of Dresden's face.
Boop.
One knuckle tapped him gently on the forehead.
Dresden blinked.
The fist hovered.
Boop.
Hunter stared at his missing hand. "What the fuck?"
Kenzi made a strangled noise.
Hunter pointed at Dresden with his remaining hand. "Why didn't it hit him?"
Dresden rubbed his forehead. "It reached me."
"It booped you."
"Yes."
"I cast fist."
"Yes."
Kenzi finally lost the fight. She grabbed Bo's arm and buried her face against her shoulder, laughing hard enough to shake them both. "You didn't cast punch!"
Hunter went still.
His fist booped Dresden again.
Gandalf stroked his beard.
Hunter saw him. "Not one fucking word."
Gandalf's expression remained perfectly serene.
The fist gave Dresden a thumbs-up.
Dresden returned it.
"Traitor."
Hunter had had enough of verbs. He pointed toward the stones and chose something so simple that even this ridiculous magic couldn't misunderstand him.
"I CAST IRON!"
A cast-iron frying pan hit the courtyard with a heavy CLANG. Hunter stared at it for a moment before bending down and picking it up, testing the weight in his hand while everyone else watched. It was exactly what he'd asked for: iron, cast into a useful shape, with no rockets, metaphysical consequences or semantic bullshit attached.
"Finally."
Kenzi leaned over for a better look. "That's actually a pretty decent pan."
Hunter pointed it at her. "Don't make this weird."
"You took my beard and then flirted with me. We're past weird."
"Fair."
Bo slipped down from the fountain and raised her wand. "Are we fighting now?"
Hunter looked at her.
Her smile returned. "Because I believe I laid out the schedule."
Kenzi shoved her lightly with one hand while bringing up her own wand. "You are not skipping the line."
"There is no line."
"There is absolutely a line!"
Hunter was still trying to decide whether hitting either of them with the skillet would count as flirting when Gandalf shifted his staff into both hands. Dresden noticed at almost the same moment and drew his blasting rod, while Bo and Kenzi stopped arguing long enough to recognize that the ancient wizard was preparing to make their interpersonal dispute considerably less important.
Hunter's detached fist returned to hover beside his shoulder, tiny boosters glowing as he tightened his grip on the skillet. Across from them, Gandalf stood amid an unreasonable quantity of silver beard, looking entirely too pleased with the situation.
"Wizard swag."
Hunter sighed. "Fuck it."
The courtyard erupted.
Gandalf moved first. He swept his staff through the silver tide of his own beard and sent the entire mass surging forward like a breaking wave. "I CAST BEARD TO ARMS!"
The beard obeyed enthusiastically. Thick ropes of silver hair twisted themselves into arms, hands and clenched fists, hundreds of them rising from the courtyard around Gandalf. Some carried swords woven entirely from beard. Others acquired shields. One particularly ambitious section fashioned itself a bow, drew back a silver arrow and took aim at Hunter.
Hunter stared at the advancing army. "You weaponized your fucking beard."
Gandalf lifted his chin. "It was already magnificent. Now it is useful."
The bow fired.
Hunter tilted his head and the arrow passed his ear, buried itself in the wall behind him and immediately grew a tiny grey mustache. Bo and Kenzi scattered as the rest of the beard army charged, while Dresden planted his hockey stick and raised his blasting rod.
"Fuego!"
A lance of fire tore through the first rank.
Nothing funny happened.
Dresden blinked.
The beard soldiers he had hit burned normally, several collapsing into smoldering piles of silver hair. Dresden stared at the result with something approaching relief. "Oh, thank God. Regular magic still works."
Hunter ducked beneath a beard fist. "Congratulations!"
"Thank you!"
"Still hate it!"
"Gathered that!"
Kenzi vaulted the fountain as a pair of beard soldiers chased her around it. "I CAST NPC PATHFINDING!"
Both soldiers immediately walked into the fountain.
They continued walking into it.
Neither attempted to go around.
Bo watched them repeatedly bump against the stone rim before glancing at Kenzi. "That's cruel."
"You haven't played enough video games."
Three more came at them from the side, forcing Bo to abandon the conversation. She flicked her wand toward the charging beard soldiers with a grin. "I CAST HORNY JAIL!"
A barred cell crashed down around them.
One beard soldier immediately produced a tin cup and began dragging it along the bars. Another sat dejectedly on the floor. The third grabbed the bars and stared directly at Bo.
A wooden bat materialized in her hand.
BONK.
The soldier collapsed.
Kenzi pointed. "Keep that spell."
"Oh, absolutely."
Hunter had considerably less success with his own opponent. One of Gandalf's beard fists came swinging toward him, and he brought the cast-iron pan up just in time to catch it with a deafening CLANG. The impact drove him back half a step. He looked at the pan, looked at the fist and then grinned.
"Okay. I like this."
Bo heard him. "Thought you hated magic."
"I hate magic. I like hitting things."
Her smile sharpened. "We are going to get along."
"After me," Kenzi called from behind the fountain.
Bo didn't even look at her. "Nobody agreed to that."
"I did!"
"You don't get to agree for him."
Hunter smashed another beard fist with the skillet and sent it spinning away. "Ladies, there's enough disappointment to go around."
Both women stopped.
Hunter realized his mistake.
Bo's eyebrows rose. "Disappointment?"
Kenzi looked personally wounded. "Oh, fuck you."
Hunter grinned. "Please."
There was a brief, beautiful silence.
Kenzi's mouth fell open.
Bo started laughing.
Hunter pointed the skillet at them. "How's it feel?"
Kenzi recovered first. "Okay, fuck the line. I'm hitting him now."
Bo raised her wand. "Get behind me."
"I SAID I CALLED DIBS!"
A beard fist caught Kenzi around the waist and carried her away before the argument could escalate. Her outraged scream disappeared across the courtyard while Hunter doubled over laughing.
Bo looked at him. "You know I'm going to enjoy beating your ass."
Hunter straightened and spread his arms. "Promises, promises."
Her eyes flashed.
Then a beard fist punched him through a wall.
Bo winced.
From somewhere beyond the rubble came Hunter's voice.
"STILL WORTH IT!"
Dresden stared at the hole.
Gandalf stroked his beard.
"He has spirit."
"You have no idea."
Dresden had just enough time to wonder what that meant before Kenzi flew back across the courtyard, still wrapped in animated beard, and crashed directly into him. The two disappeared beneath a heap of silver hair, hockey stick and black leather.
Hunter climbed back through the wall while brushing masonry from his shoulders. The beard army immediately noticed him.
"Yeah, yeah. Round two."
His detached fist rocketed past his head.
Boop.
A beard soldier stopped.
Hunter stared at it.
The soldier looked down at the fist hovering against its forehead.
Boop.
"Would you fucking punch something?"
The fist rotated toward Hunter.
He pointed at Gandalf's army. "Them!"
The fist turned back.
Boop.
Hunter closed his eyes. "I hate this place."
Gandalf raised his staff.
Hunter opened them again.
"I CAST STAFF MEETING!"
Every staff in the courtyard vanished.
Gandalf's staff disappeared from his hands. Dresden's hockey stick vanished from beneath the pile of beard. Several pieces of broken timber disappeared from the ruins for reasons known only to reality.
A long conference table appeared.
The staffs were seated around it.
Gandalf's occupied the head position.
Dresden's hockey stick sat opposite it with a tiny necktie wrapped around the shaft. Several ordinary wooden staffs occupied the remaining chairs. A miniature projector illuminated a graph on the wall entitled Q3 SPELLCASTING SYNERGIES, while one pointer clicked impatiently through a presentation.
Dresden crawled free of the beard pile and stared.
"My staff is in a meeting."
Hunter climbed over the rubble. "Looks important."
"It's wearing a tie."
"Professional development."
Gandalf regarded the conference table with interest. His own staff had somehow acquired a tiny pair of spectacles and was pointing at a line graph.
Kenzi finally emerged behind Dresden with her hair in complete disarray. "Oh my God. Gandalf's staff is management."
Gandalf nodded approvingly. "As it should be."
Dresden's hockey stick raised itself slightly.
A tiny hand appeared beside it.
The hockey stick pointed toward a section of the graph labeled STRUCTURAL DAMAGE.
Dresden looked offended. "Don't you start."
The hockey stick tapped the graph.
"You've participated."
It tapped harder.
Hunter folded his arms. "I think Hockey Stick says the buildings are your fault."
Dresden pulled the supernatural certificate from his coat and held it toward the table. "I have documentation!"
His hockey stick slowly turned away from him.
Hunter lost it.
Dresden pointed at him. "Shut up."
"I'm not saying anything."
"You're laughing."
"Because your own stick thinks you're full of shit."
The hockey stick nodded.
Dresden stared at it. "Traitor."
Hunter's detached fist hovered beside him and gave the hockey stick a thumbs-up.
The hockey stick returned it.
Hunter's laughter stopped. "Don't encourage mine."
Kenzi leaned against Bo, delighted. "Their equipment unionized."
Bo watched the meeting for another moment before raising her wand. "I CAST HOSTILE TAKEOVER!"
The conference room changed instantly.
The projector went dark. The doors slammed shut. Tiny lawyers appeared around the table carrying briefcases, while stacks of paperwork dropped in front of every staff. Dresden's hockey stick flipped through the first page and recoiled. Gandalf's staff slammed itself against the table in outrage.
Bo smiled.
Kenzi looked at her best friend with something approaching awe. "Bo-Bo."
"What?"
"That was hot."
"Thank you."
Gandalf's staff suddenly broke the conference table in half.
All the other staffs rose behind it.
Dresden stared. "I think your staff just rejected the acquisition."
Gandalf smiled proudly. "Naturally."
The staffs charged the lawyers.
Hunter watched Gandalf's staff beat a tiny attorney with a quarterly report. "Okay, that's pretty good."
The magical meeting dissolved into a riot. Dresden's hockey stick smashed through the projector, two staffs overturned the table, and one of the tiny lawyers escaped through the courtyard with three enraged walking sticks chasing him. When Gandalf's staff finally returned to its master's hand, it did so with the unmistakable air of an executive who had successfully prevented a merger.
Gandalf tapped it once against the stones.
"Wizard swag."
Hunter shook his head. "You really only have one setting, don't you?"
"One requires no other when it is sufficient."
"That didn't mean anything."
"It sounded good."
Hunter considered that. "Fair."
Dresden's hockey stick returned a moment later. The tiny tie remained.
He tried removing it.
The knot tightened.
Dresden sighed and left it alone.
Kenzi had meanwhile reclaimed her wand and was looking at Hunter with the expression he'd already learned meant trouble. He saw her attention drop toward his skillet, then toward his hovering fist, and finally back to him.
"No."
"I haven't done anything."
"You've got idea face."
"I have a beautiful face."
"You had a better one with the goatee."
Her eyes narrowed. "Too soon."
Hunter smiled.
Kenzi raised her wand.
"I CAST FUCK THIS GUY IN PARTICULAR!"
Hunter's smile vanished.
A glowing arrow appeared over his head.
THIS GUY
Hunter looked up.
"Oh, fuck."
Every loose object in the courtyard turned toward him.
Bricks rotated in place. Broken boards lifted from the ground. The discarded conference table righted itself. Dresden's supernatural certificate of innocence ripped itself out of his hand and folded into a paper airplane.
Hunter looked around slowly.
"That's excessive."
Everything attacked.
Hunter ran.
The courtyard became a storm of bricks, wood, paperwork, abandoned furniture and several extremely committed accordions. Hunter vaulted the fountain as the conference table sailed over him, ducked beneath Dresden's certificate and blocked a brick with his skillet. Another struck the back of his head and shattered.
Bo watched him sprint past. "Still interested?"
Hunter jumped over a gargoyle. "VERY!"
"Good!"
A chair chased him around the fountain.
Kenzi cupped her hands around her mouth. "ME FIRST!"
Hunter ducked as the chair passed overhead. "YOU TWO NEED TO WORK OUT YOUR CUSTODY AGREEMENT!"
"We're discussing it!"
"WITH WANDS!"
"We discuss aggressively!"
Hunter's grin returned despite the swarm pursuing him. "I LIKE THAT!"
Bo raised her wand.
Kenzi's eyes widened. "Bo-Bo, don't you dare help him!"
"I'm not."
Bo aimed at Hunter.
"I CAST HARDER!"
Everything chasing him accelerated.
Hunter looked over his shoulder.
"BO!"
She blew him a kiss.
A table hit him in the back and launched him across the courtyard.
He crashed through the fountain.
Bo smiled. "Fight first."
Kenzi considered that and nodded. "Okay, I respect the methodology."
Hunter rose from the destroyed fountain dripping wet, skillet still somehow in hand. His detached fist floated out of the water beside him, shook itself like a dog and sprayed him in the face.
Hunter wiped water from his eyes.
"You're supposed to be part of me."
The fist booped his nose.
"Fuck you."
It gave him a thumbs-up.
Hunter stared at it, then at Bo and Kenzi, then at Gandalf and Dresden.
He smiled.
That worried everyone.
Dresden raised his blasting rod. "What are you thinking?"
Hunter pointed the skillet at the courtyard.
"I CAST RANDOM BULLSHIT, GO!"
Reality took that personally.
Every spell cast since the battle began returned at once.
The FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT dial erupted from the stones. The gates slammed shut and immediately Uno-Reversed themselves off their hinges. The burning building reignited despite already being on fire, and a fresh certificate appeared to absolve Dresden of responsibility. Bearded accordions marched out of Mordor while an entire corporate board appeared atop the wall to discuss monetizing them. Horny Jail dropped around two interns. The Eye of Sauron acquired a glowing THIS GUY arrow. Three full-sized wenches sprinted through the courtyard carrying someone who sounded suspiciously like Penny.
"I'M STILL NOT PUTTING IT BACK!"
Gandalf's head snapped around.
"Penny."
The wenches disappeared through another archway.
Hunter stared after them. "Who the fuck was that?"
"The reason this battle continues," Gandalf said.
"Fair enough."
Then the FAFO dial began spinning.
Everyone looked at it.
The needle passed FUCK AROUND.
It passed FIND OUT.
It kept going.
Dresden took one step backward. "I don't think it had anything after Find Out."
"It does now," Kenzi said.
A new section burned itself into the brass.
FIND OUT HARDER
Hunter pointed at it. "That's Bo's fault."
Bo smiled. "Probably."
The needle slammed down.
The world went white.
When Hunter's vision returned, he was standing on a vast grassy plain beneath a clear blue sky. Bo stood on one side of him, Kenzi on the other. Dresden was twenty feet away with his hockey stick and blasting rod. Gandalf stood beyond him with his robes untouched, his beard magnificent and his staff planted firmly in the grass.
There was no courtyard.
No Mordor.
No burning building.
No accordions.
Hunter looked around. "Did I break it?"
A deep voice rolled across the heavens.
ROUND TWO.
Hunter slowly looked up.
Gandalf smiled.
Dresden tightened his grip on his hockey stick.
Kenzi bounced once on her toes and raised her wand.
Bo rolled her shoulders.
Hunter looked at the cast-iron skillet in his left hand and the rocket-propelled right fist hovering beside him.
His grin returned.
"Oh, fuck yes."
Bo's eyes flashed. "That's my line."
Kenzi immediately objected. "Excuse you, our line."
Hunter glanced between them. "Winner gets first dibs?"
Both women went still.
Bo smiled.
Kenzi smiled.
Hunter immediately realized he had made an error.
"Wait."
Bo raised her wand.
Kenzi raised hers.
"Now hold the fuck on."
They attacked together.
Hunter moved before either wand finished coming up. He threw himself sideways as two completely different colors of magical light crossed where his chest had been, hit the grass shoulder-first and rolled back to his feet with the skillet still in hand. His detached fist shot ahead of him on its tiny boosters, apparently having decided that whatever disagreements they had could wait until its owner stopped being actively murdered.
Bo swept her wand after him. "I CAST DEATH BY SNU SNU!"
Hunter's expression changed immediately. "I withdraw my objection."
Kenzi whipped around. "BO-BO!"
A distant war horn sounded.
The grasslands shook.
Hunter's enthusiasm faltered as enormous silhouettes began appearing along the horizon.
"Define death by snu snu."
Bo's smile was positively wicked. "You'll find out."
"That sentence has fucked me once already today."
Kenzi abandoned attacking Hunter long enough to point her wand at Bo. "I CAST COCKBLOCK!"
A rooster appeared between them.
Everyone stopped.
The rooster looked at Kenzi.
Kenzi looked at the rooster.
Hunter started laughing.
Bo folded her arms. "Excellent work."
"Shut up."
The rooster strutted away.
Hunter was still laughing when the sky above them fractured.
At first he assumed Death by Snu Snu had somehow escalated into dimensional damage, but the approaching silhouettes stopped with the spell's apparent resolution and the new cracks continued spreading. Dresden saw them too. He had already been studying the empty grasslands with the uneasy attention of a professional wizard who knew better than to trust an unexplained arena, and now he brought both hockey stick and blasting rod up.
"That's not ours."
Hunter glanced toward him. "You sure?"
"No."
"Very reassuring."
The first rupture opened.
A black-haired young man fell through it wearing a long coat, carrying enough weapons to equip a small adventuring party and possessing the unmistakable expression of someone who had spent a very long time being dramatically underestimated. He hit the grass in a crouch, came upright instantly and swept his surroundings with practiced suspicion.
A second rupture deposited another black-haired young man several yards away. This one had green eyes, a wand already in hand and enough magical jewelry to make Hunter's opinion of him plummet before he'd even spoken.
Then came another.
And another.
The grasslands began raining protagonists.
There were Harry Potters.
There were so many Harry Potters.
One arrived in dragonhide with a sword across his back. Another wore an immaculate black suit beneath an open robe and enough rings to suggest that Britain had run out of aristocratic titles and started awarding bonus ones. A third landed beside a startled-looking Hermione who immediately began scanning the area as though she intended to defeat the dimensional anomaly with research. Yet another Harry arrived taller, broader and covered in enough ritual markings to make Dresden take an involuntary step backward.
Hunter slowly turned toward him. "You know these people?"
"No."
"You hesitated."
"I recognize a type."
Another portal opened.
A pale blond wizard stepped through beside a Harry dressed almost entirely in black. Both looked around with the composed menace of people accustomed to entering rooms and discovering that everyone else had made terrible political decisions.
Hunter pointed at them. "That one has a Malfoy."
"I noticed."
"Is that standard?"
"I don't know!"
Gandalf watched the arrivals with growing interest while Bo and Kenzi temporarily forgot their competition. More dimensional tears were appearing across the field, and not all of them contained variations of the same British wizard. A silver-haired young man carrying an enormous sword arrived beside a woman with fox ears. Someone in an orange jacket landed, looked around and immediately produced several copies of himself. A dark-haired teenager appeared with glowing eyes and enough supernatural girlfriends emerging behind him that Kenzi gave an impressed whistle.
"Okay," she admitted. "That guy understands ensemble casting."
Bo glanced at her. "You were fighting me thirty seconds ago."
"I can multitask."
The newcomers began noticing one another.
That was when things became complicated.
One of the black-clad Harrys spotted Gandalf and visibly recognized him. Another saw Dresden and did the same. The orange-clad newcomer pointed at the collection of British wizards and started asking something about clones. Hermione had already begun demanding to know where they were, who had summoned them and what kind of dimensional magic was responsible.
Hunter watched the gathering crowd with increasing amusement. "This is fantastic."
Dresden looked at him. "No, this is a magical incident involving dozens of unknown combatants."
"Exactly."
"You have a very strange definition of fantastic."
"I've spent centuries dealing with gods. At least these assholes look punchable."
The nearest Harry heard him.
"Excuse me?"
Hunter smiled. "See?"
The wizard's wand came up.
Dresden immediately stepped between them. "Nobody needs to start anything."
Hunter leaned around him. "He started it."
"You called him punchable."
"That's an observation."
"You called all of us assholes," another Harry pointed out.
"Also an observation."
A third Harry stepped forward, robes moving dramatically despite the complete absence of wind. "I don't know who you are, but I suggest you choose your next words carefully."
Hunter's grin widened.
Dresden closed his eyes. "Don't."
"What?"
"Whatever you're about to do."
"I'm not doing anything."
"That's what worries me."
The first spell came from somewhere in the crowd.
A brilliant red bolt crossed the field.
Hunter ducked.
It hit one of the Harrys.
That Harry's shield flared.
Someone else interpreted the attack as deliberate.
The grassland exploded into violence.
"THERE IT IS!" Hunter shouted happily.
Shields erupted everywhere. Wands flashed. Clones charged. A sword came free of its sheath with a metallic shriek, somebody shouted an incantation in Japanese, and at least three different versions of Harry Potter independently decided that the correct response to an unknown battlefield was overwhelming force.
Dresden threw himself behind a shield as a curse screamed past. "Why are you enjoying this?"
Hunter blocked another spell with the skillet.
CLANG.
The spell ricocheted into the sky.
Hunter stared at the pan.
Then he looked at Dresden.
Dresden stared back.
"Don't."
Hunter grinned. "Magic skillet."
"Do not encourage the skillet."
Bo and Kenzi had already joined the fight. Bo sent one overconfident newcomer tumbling backward with a blast of energy, while Kenzi ducked beneath a curse and retaliated with the first thing that entered her head.
"I CAST MAIN CHARACTER SYNDROME!"
The effect swept through the newcomers.
Every single one of them acquired dramatic lighting.
Coats began billowing.
Hair moved in nonexistent wind.
Several people gained glowing eyes.
One Harry's cloak expanded until it occupied nearly twelve feet behind him.
Another acquired a choir.
The Naruto-looking newcomer received a flashback.
Dresden stared around at them. "You made it worse."
Kenzi looked delighted. "I made it fabulous."
One of the newcomers raised his wand. "I CAST POWER HE KNOWS NOT!"
A large electrical transformer appeared above Hunter.
Hunter looked up.
"Oh, come on."
It fell.
He stepped aside.
The transformer smashed into the ground.
Hunter stared at it for a moment before looking toward the caster. "That's your power?"
The Harry looked equally confused.
"Apparently."
Another Harry thrust his wand forward. "I CAST LORDSHIPS!"
A crown appeared on his head.
Then another.
Then another.
By the sixth crown his knees buckled.
Hunter pointed at him. "I fucking knew it."
Dresden had no idea what he knew, but there wasn't time to ask. The fox-eared woman had decided to try the local magic herself.
"I CAST NINE-TAILED FOX!"
Nine fox tails appeared.
On Gandalf.
Gandalf looked over his shoulder.
The tails swished majestically behind his robes.
Kenzi stared.
Bo stared.
Hunter stared.
Gandalf stroked his beard.
"Wizard swag."
Hunter doubled over laughing.
The battlefield deteriorated from there.
A sword-wielding newcomer cast Unlimited Blade Works and received a warehouse staffed by exhausted employees manufacturing swords without contractual limits. One of the Harrys shouted Greater Good and immediately acquired a basket containing several very impressive artisanal cheeses labeled GREATER GOOD. Another tried Master of Death, only for a black-robed skeletal figure carrying a scythe to appear, hand him a mop and point toward a dirty section of battlefield.
Dresden watched the new arrivals repeatedly discover that the magic did not care how powerful, important or narratively significant they believed themselves to be. "They still haven't figured it out."
Hunter blocked another curse with his skillet. "Figured what out?"
"The wording matters."
"You figured that out after setting a building on fire."
"It wasn't my fault."
"You literally cast the fire."
Dresden produced the certificate.
Hunter stared at him.
"You carry that around?"
"It says it wasn't my fault."
"You are the pettiest wizard I've ever met."
Gandalf cleared his throat.
Hunter glanced toward him. "Second pettiest."
Gandalf accepted the correction.
Across the field, the newcomers regrouped.
This was a mistake.
Several Harrys had apparently reached the same conclusion simultaneously: if ridiculous declarations were functioning as spells, then the solution was to make bigger declarations. Wands rose. Swords came up. Magical energy gathered around the newcomers in increasingly concerning quantities.
One stepped forward.
"I CAST INFINITE MAGIC!"
Another followed. "I CAST ABSOLUTE DOMINION!"
A third raised both hands. "I CAST HAREM PROTAGONIST!"
The dark-haired teenager with the supernatural entourage looked offended. "Hey!"
Someone else shouted, "I CAST ULTIMATE POWER!"
Hunter watched the field light up.
"That's a lot of bullshit."
Dresden braced his hockey-stick staff against the ground. "That's a lot of magic."
"No. I recognize magic. That's bullshit."
Bo and Kenzi moved closer together as the spells began resolving. Infinite Magic produced an infinite line of stage magicians stretching toward the horizon. Absolute Dominion manifested an extremely judgmental dominatrix carrying a clipboard. Harem Protagonist caused every available woman to look toward the caster, collectively assess him, and turn away.
Kenzi winced. "Ouch."
Bo nodded. "That's going to leave a mark."
Ultimate Power produced a battery.
Hunter lost it.
The caster stared at the AA battery in his palm.
Hunter pointed at him with the skillet. "ULTIMATE POWER!"
"Shut up."
"TWICE THE VOLTAGE!"
"I SAID SHUT UP!"
Another wave of spells began building.
Gandalf had seen enough.
The old wizard stepped forward.
His silver beard rolled across the grass behind him, nine magnificent fox tails swayed around his robes, and his staff struck the ground with a crack that cut through every argument on the battlefield. The newcomers turned toward him.
Gandalf surveyed the collection of overpowered protagonists, alternate Harry Potters, supernatural entourages, dramatic coats, glowing eyes, impossible swords, excessive titles and increasingly elaborate magical declarations.
His eyebrows lowered.
Hunter saw it coming.
"Oh, this is gonna be good."
Gandalf raised his staff.
"I CAST BEGONE, THOTS!"
The world rang like a bell.
Every newcomer stopped.
A vast spectral hand descended from the heavens.
It did not discriminate.
The first black-clad Harry disappeared with a startled shout as the hand backhanded him through a portal. The aristocratic Harry followed, six crowns and all. Hermione barely managed an indignant "Excuse me?" before she and her Harry were swept through another dimensional tear. The Naruto-looking newcomer produced hundreds of clones, forcing the hand to slap every single one before finally finding the original and punting him into the distance.
The silver-haired swordsman tried blocking.
The hand slapped the sword away.
Then slapped him.
The fox-eared woman attempted to dodge.
A second hand appeared.
SMACK.
The supernatural harem protagonist grabbed the grass with both hands while his entourage disappeared around him one by one. "WHY AM I A THOT?!"
Gandalf's voice rolled across the battlefield.
"THE SPELL HAS SPOKEN."
Hunter fell against Dresden, laughing.
Dresden was barely holding it together himself. "That's not how evidentiary standards work."
"THE SPELL HAS FUCKING SPOKEN!"
A spectral hand seized the last protagonist by the ankles and dragged him screaming through a closing portal.
Then silence returned.
The grassy plain was empty again.
Almost.
One Harry remained.
Everyone looked at him.
He looked around nervously.
Hunter pointed. "Missed one."
Gandalf frowned.
The spectral hand descended.
The Harry threw both hands up. "WAIT! I CAST UNO REVERSE!"
The hand stopped.
Kenzi's eyes widened. "Oh, shit."
The spectral hand slowly rotated.
Gandalf looked up.
Hunter stopped laughing.
"No fucking way."
The hand descended toward Gandalf.
Gandalf raised his staff.
"I CAST NO THOT IS EVER LATE, NOR IS HE EARLY! HE ARRIVES PRECISELY WHEN HE MEANS TO!"
Reality hesitated.
The spectral hand hesitated.
Dresden stared at Gandalf. "That sentence doesn't even make sense."
Gandalf's eyes remained fixed on the descending hand. "It does not need to."
Hunter's grin returned.
"Now you're speaking my language."
The spectral hand remained suspended between Gandalf and Harry, apparently unable to decide which of them currently qualified for removal. Harry watched it for a moment, glanced at Gandalf and lowered his wand by half an inch.
"All right. Before either of us adds another layer to this."
Gandalf's staff remained raised.
Harry pointed toward the hand. "Your original spell was Begone, Thots."
"It was."
"And I am still here."
"You reversed it."
"After it stopped to evaluate me."
Hunter's grin faded slightly.
Harry noticed.
"So did you."
Hunter looked at the spectral hand, then back at Harry. "Okay."
Dresden shifted his hockey-stick staff against his shoulder. "He's got a point. Everyone else got launched immediately."
"Exactly." Harry gestured toward the empty grassland where the army of alternate protagonists had been. "No appeals. No hesitation. No opportunity to argue. Your spell identified them, classified them and removed them."
Kenzi pointed toward him. "And you're saying the giant sky hand looked at you and went, 'Eh, maybe?'"
"Essentially."
"Still sounds pretty thot-adjacent."
Harry sighed. "I'm not a thot."
The hand twitched.
Hunter immediately pointed at it. "Oh, it disagrees."
"It did not disagree."
"It fucking twitched."
"It is processing an unsupported assertion."
That made Dresden stare at him.
Harry looked over.
Dresden slowly smiled. "You know what it's doing."
"I have a working hypothesis."
"No." Dresden shook his head. "You said that like you've dealt with conceptual magic before."
Harry considered him for a second. "Which Harry Dresden are you?"
Dresden's smile disappeared.
Hunter looked between them. "Oh, that's interesting."
Harry continued before Dresden could answer. "Actually, don't tell me yet. I'd rather establish that organically. Names are complicated in several branches of your cosmology, and I don't know whether this reality is using your native metaphysics, local metaphysics or some negotiated combination."
Dresden went very still.
Kenzi blinked. "Several branches?"
Harry looked at her.
Then Bo.
Then Gandalf.
Then Hunter.
His expression changed.
"Oh."
Hunter's eyebrows rose. "Oh what?"
Harry looked around at the empty grassland again, this time paying attention to something none of them could see.
"Oh, this is one of those."
Hunter lowered his skillet. "One of what?"
"A convergence."
Dresden's grip tightened on the hockey stick. "You know where we are?"
"No."
"Then how do you know it's a convergence?"
Harry pointed at Gandalf. "Maia."
Then Dresden.
"Wizard, Dresden branch."
Bo and Kenzi.
"Fae-adjacent cosmology."
Finally Hunter.
Harry stopped.
Hunter stared back.
Harry's eyes narrowed.
Hunter's did too.
"You."
"Me."
"You're not supposed to be here."
Hunter smiled. "I get that a lot."
"No, I mean you're specifically not supposed to be here."
"Now I really like him," Hunter said.
Bo folded her arms. "Do you two know each other?"
"No," they answered together.
Kenzi looked between them. "That was suspiciously synchronized."
Harry ignored her. "I know of him."
Hunter's smile thinned. "Do you."
"The Refuser."
Silence.
Bo looked at Hunter.
Kenzi looked at Hunter.
Dresden looked at Hunter.
Gandalf's eyebrows rose.
Hunter stared at Harry.
"Careful."
Harry wasn't intimidated. "Lotus. Narrative interference. Deliberate rejection of magical solutions despite being almost offensively compatible with them."
Kenzi slowly turned toward Hunter. "How compatible?"
"Not relevant."
Harry answered anyway. "Very."
Hunter pointed the skillet at him. "I liked you better thirty seconds ago."
Bo smiled. "I like him more."
"Of course you do."
Harry looked toward the hovering fist beside Hunter's shoulder. It gave him a small thumbs-up.
Harry returned it.
Hunter's face hardened. "Don't encourage that fucking thing."
"Sorry."
The fist booped Hunter's temple.
"Goddammit."
Gandalf lowered his staff slightly. The spectral hand remained overhead, still waiting for reality to finish whatever argument had interrupted its purpose. "You possess considerable knowledge for one so young."
Harry looked at him. "I'm older than I look."
Hunter snorted. "Aren't they all?"
"Not like that."
That caught Dresden again.
Harry exhaled and looked toward the enormous spectral hand. "Fine. We're apparently doing this anyway."
He raised his wand.
"I CAST VALID ARGUMENTS AND DEBATE WITH CHARACTER REFERENCES!"
Reality accepted the spell.
The grass between Harry and Gandalf rose into two broad wooden lecterns. A semicircle of chairs appeared around them, followed by a long moderator's table that materialized directly in front of Hunter. A gavel dropped into his remaining hand.
Hunter looked at it.
Then at Harry.
"Okay, we're friends again."
A glowing heading unfolded across the sky.
RESOLVED: HARRY POTTER IS NOT A THOT
Kenzi immediately raised her hand.
"No," Harry said.
"You don't even know what I was going to ask."
"You were going to ask whether being hot affects the classification."
Kenzi slowly lowered her hand.
Bo laughed.
Hunter dropped into the moderator's chair and slammed the gavel. "All right, Potter. The universe wants receipts. Explain why you're special."
Harry frowned. "I'm not."
Hunter stared at him.
Gandalf stroked his beard.
Dresden looked toward the proposition overhead.
Harry sighed. "That came out wrong. I'm not claiming metaphysical importance as a defense. I'm saying that the assumption that I must be one of the Harry Potters you just saw is false."
Hunter leaned back. "Go on."
Harry rested his hands on the lectern. "There is a Prime Harry Potter."
A glowing image appeared beside him. Black hair. Green eyes. Round glasses. Hogwarts robes.
"Baseline. Seven-year sequence. Philosopher's Stone, Chamber, Sirius Black, Triwizard Tournament, Department of Mysteries, Horcrux hunt, Battle of Hogwarts."
Dresden frowned. "You know your own baseline?"
"I know many baselines."
The image multiplied.
Hundreds of Harry Potters spread outward behind him.
Then thousands.
Different robes. Different scars. Different companions. Different wands. Different ages. Different lives.
"I am not Prime."
The original image remained in the center.
Harry stepped away from it.
"I'm what some people would probably call anti-Prime, although I didn't choose the name. I am fully aware that my life does not occur inside the baseline sequence. I know the commonly recurring deviations. I know the uncommon ones. I know the things that get repeated so often across realities that people start mistaking them for universal truths."
Images began appearing around him as he spoke.
A Gringotts inheritance test.
POTTER-BLACK-PEVERELL
Harry waved it away.
"Checked. False in my world."
A glowing magical core appeared.
"Checked. Exists, but not remotely the way half the realities describe it."
A bottle marked LOVE POTION appeared beside Molly Weasley.
Harry's expression immediately soured.
"Checked. No."
A twinkling Dumbledore appeared holding a bowl of lemon drops.
"Compulsion charms in sweets?"
The image vanished.
"No."
Another Dumbledore appeared, this one surrounded by contracts, blocked accounts and ominous magical instruments.
"Secretly stealing my inheritance?"
Gone.
"No."
A goblin appeared and bowed deeply.
HEIR POTTER, MAY YOUR GOLD FLOW AND YOUR ENEMIES' BLOOD FLOW FASTER.
Harry stared at it.
"No goblin has ever fucking said that to me."
Hunter lost it.
Even Dresden laughed.
Harry continued mercilessly. "Helpful goblins exist. Hostile goblins exist. Friendly goblins exist. Goblins with complicated political opinions exist. Goblins are people. They are not a universal vending machine for exposition and aristocratic paperwork."
The goblin image nodded approvingly before disappearing.
Kenzi pointed at Harry. "Okay, I like this guy."
"You haven't heard the important part."
Harry's expression became more serious.
"My world also contains things that Prime doesn't."
The images changed.
New people appeared among the familiar faces. New magical communities. New species. New institutions. Entire pieces of geography that had never existed in the baseline.
"My Earth is larger."
Dresden studied the projections. "How much larger?"
"Enough that assuming something is false because it sounds like fanfiction is just as dangerous as assuming it's true because you've seen it in a hundred timelines."
That quieted him.
Harry looked around the group. "I've encountered soul bonds."
An image appeared.
"Real."
Marriage contracts.
"Real."
Ancient Houses.
"Some real. Most people claiming seven at once are full of shit."
Hunter nodded approvingly.
"Additional magical schools?"
"Obviously."
"Creature inheritances?"
Harry grimaced. "Unfortunately real."
Kenzi raised her hand again.
"No."
"You don't know what I was going to ask."
"You were going to ask if I have one."
"Do you?"
"No."
"Aww."
Harry ignored her. "I've encountered people who didn't exist in Prime. Some were born because my Earth's history diverged centuries before I was born. Others exist because my universe intersects with cosmologies Prime never touches. I've met people I knew from other timelines who were completely different in mine. I've met people who should have been dead. People who should never have existed. People whose names would make a Prime-aware observer assume they understood the situation when they absolutely did not."
Gandalf regarded him carefully. "And so you investigate."
"Everything."
"Even those you trust?"
"Especially things I think I already understand."
Hunter's amusement had faded into genuine interest.
Harry noticed that too.
"I don't reject fanon because it's fanon. I reject unsupported assumptions."
Hunter nodded slowly.
"Okay. That's actually respectable."
"Thank you."
"Still might be a thot."
Harry closed his eyes.
The spectral hand twitched again.
Kenzi pointed upward. "See?"
Harry opened his eyes. "Fine. Character references."
He raised his wand.
"Hermione Granger."
A woman appeared beside him with a book already in one hand.
She looked around.
Saw Harry.
Saw Gandalf.
Saw Dresden.
Saw Hunter holding a moderator's gavel.
Saw the proposition floating overhead.
She closed her eyes.
"Harry."
"Hermione."
"Why are you being cosmically prosecuted for thottery?"
Hunter slammed the gavel.
"Best sentence today."
Hermione looked at him.
Hunter smiled.
She turned back to Harry. "What did you do?"
"Nothing."
"That answer has never once reassured me."
Harry pointed upward. "Gandalf cast Begone, Thots. Everyone else was removed. I wasn't."
Hermione looked at Gandalf.
Her expression changed instantly.
"You're Gandalf."
Gandalf inclined his head.
Hermione stared for another second, visibly fighting about twelve different questions, before dragging herself back to the issue.
"Right. Thottery."
Harry nodded. "Do I possess a harem?"
"No."
"Have I ever possessed a harem?"
"No."
"Multiple wives?"
"No."
"Secret marriage contracts?"
"No."
"Veela mate?"
"No."
"Fated soul bond?"
"No."
"Do I have women inexplicably throwing themselves at me because reality has decided I'm the protagonist?"
Hermione hesitated.
Harry's eyes narrowed.
"Hermione."
"Define inexplicably."
Hunter's grin returned.
Harry stared at her.
She shrugged. "You're famous, reasonably attractive, wealthy and have saved the world more than once."
Kenzi leaned toward Bo. "Reasonably?"
Bo studied Harry. "She's underselling him."
Harry heard them.
"Please don't."
Hunter slapped the table. "Character witnesses may elaborate."
"You are not helping."
"I'm moderating."
"You're enjoying yourself."
"Those aren't mutually exclusive."
Hermione continued. "He receives attention. He generally doesn't act on it."
The spectral hand moved slightly away.
Harry pointed upward triumphantly.
"Thank you."
"Generally."
The hand stopped.
Harry slowly looked at Hermione.
She smiled.
Hunter whispered, "Oh, this is getting good."
Harry took a breath. "Explain 'generally.'"
Hermione considered him.
Then the proposition.
Then Gandalf.
"I think we need Ginny."
Harry's shoulders dropped.
"Of course we do."
He raised his wand.
"Ginny Potter."
A red-haired woman appeared beside Hermione.
She looked at Harry.
Then Hermione.
Then Gandalf.
Then the spectral hand.
Then the enormous glowing accusation across the sky.
HARRY POTTER IS NOT A THOT
Ginny stared at it.
She slowly turned toward her husband.
"Harry."
"Before you say anything, I can explain."
Hunter slammed the gavel.
"OH, HE'S FUCKED."
Harry pointed at him. "You're supposed to be impartial."
"I am impartial. You're still fucked."
Ginny's mouth twitched despite herself, while Hermione made the strategic decision to step slightly farther away from Harry. Bo and Kenzi had both become entirely too invested in the proceedings, Dresden was watching the conceptual machinery of the debate with professional fascination, and Gandalf remained behind his lectern with the calm patience of someone who had just realized he didn't actually need to argue yet.
Ginny folded her arms. "What exactly am I supposed to testify about?"
"My monogamy."
Her eyebrows rose.
Hunter leaned toward his gavel. "Oh, that's a hell of a sentence."
"Shut up."
"Moderator."
"Biased moderator."
"Prove it."
Harry ignored him and focused on Ginny. "The proposition is that I'm not a thot. Hermione has already established that I don't have a harem, multiple wives, marriage contracts, Veela mates, compulsory soul bonds or any of the other recurring nonsense."
"Correct."
"And we're married."
"Also correct."
"Exclusively."
Ginny gave him a long look. "Are you asking me to testify under magically enforced debate rules that you've never slept with another woman?"
Harry hesitated.
The spectral hand twitched.
Hunter's grin returned.
Harry glared upward. "Stop doing that."
Ginny started laughing. "Relax. I'm screwing with you."
The hand moved away again.
Harry exhaled. "Thank you."
"Although there was that thing in Prague."
Harry froze.
Hermione frowned. "What thing in Prague?"
"There was no thing in Prague."
Ginny looked thoughtful. "You're right. Budapest."
"Hermione, revoke her character-witness status."
"I don't think I can."
Hunter hammered the gavel. "Witness will continue."
Ginny grinned at Harry. "Nothing happened. He spent the entire evening barricaded in our hotel bathroom because an Aphrodite cult decided he was the reincarnation of Adonis."
Bo blinked.
Kenzi leaned forward. "Okay, back up."
"No."
Ginny ignored him. "There were twenty-three of them."
"Twenty-two."
"Twenty-three."
"The priestess didn't count."
"The priestess absolutely counted."
Harry rubbed his forehead. "This is not helping."
"I think it is," Dresden said. "Technically."
Hermione nodded reluctantly. "If the point is that Harry actively avoided participation."
Harry pointed at them. "Exactly."
Ginny's smile softened. "He did. He's had plenty of opportunities to be an idiot. He chose me."
The spectral hand drifted farther away.
Harry smiled at his wife.
For approximately two seconds, the universe allowed him to enjoy the victory.
Then Gandalf moved.
He had listened to the entire exchange without interrupting, one hand resting atop his staff while the other occasionally stroked his absurdly long beard. Now his eyes settled on Harry with a distinctly dangerous twinkle.
"An interesting defense."
Harry's smile disappeared.
Hunter noticed immediately. "Oh, Wizard Swag has something."
Gandalf inclined his head. "Our young friend has argued that many strange circumstances known elsewhere are simply untrue within his own world."
"Correct," Harry said cautiously.
"That his wisdom lies in testing what is true rather than assuming."
"Yes."
"And that the absence of these circumstances strengthens his defense."
"Among other things."
Gandalf smiled.
Harry's eyes narrowed. "What are you doing?"
The old wizard lifted his staff.
"I CAST MIRROR IMAGE POTTER!"
Harry's face went blank.
Reality split down the middle.
Not metaphorically.
A shining vertical seam appeared beside Harry and stretched from the grass into the sky. The entire debate ground duplicated itself on the opposite side, lectern for lectern, chair for chair, even producing a second glowing proposition overhead. The spectral hand backed away from the rupture as though deciding this had become somebody else's administrative problem.
A man stepped through.
Black hair.
Green eyes.
Round glasses.
Same approximate age.
Same stance.
Same cautious sweep of the battlefield.
Same immediate attention to Gandalf, Dresden, Bo, Kenzi and Hunter.
Then his gaze landed on Harry.
Both Potters stared at one another.
The newcomer closed his eyes.
"No."
Harry's expression hardened. "Agreed."
"No, absolutely not."
"Still agreed."
Hunter looked between them. "Oh, this is fucking Christmas."
The second Harry opened his eyes and studied the first more carefully. "Cosmically aware?"
"Yes."
"Prime-aware?"
"Yes."
"Fanon-aware?"
"Unfortunately."
"Greater Earth?"
Harry paused. "Yes."
Mirror Harry closed his eyes again. "Oh, fuck me."
The first Harry pointed immediately. "See? That's the sort of phrasing you need to avoid here."
"Why?"
Bo and Kenzi answered together.
"Please."
Mirror Harry slowly looked toward them.
Then back at Harry.
Harry nodded sympathetically. "Exactly."
Gandalf rested both hands upon his staff. "You are his mirror."
Mirror Harry frowned. "That's concerningly vague."
Harry pointed at him. "Good answer."
"I assume semantic interpretation rather than literal optical inversion."
"Probably."
Dresden's interest sharpened. "You think alike."
"We'd have to," both Potters said.
They stopped.
Looked at each other.
Hunter nearly fell out of his chair laughing.
Gandalf continued. "Our first Harry has established many things that are not true within his world. You shall tell us whether they are likewise untrue within yours."
Mirror Harry stared at him.
Then at the first Harry.
"Oh."
Harry understood at the same moment.
"Oh, no."
Gandalf's smile widened beneath his beard.
"Wizard swag."
Hunter slammed the gavel. "COURT RECONVENED."
"It's still a debate!"
"Nobody cares, Dresden."
Harry turned toward his mirror. "Fine. Let's establish this quickly. Gringotts inheritance test giving you multiple Lordships?"
Mirror Harry's expression changed.
Harry stopped.
"No."
Mirror Harry rubbed the back of his neck.
"No."
"How many?"
"I don't want to answer that."
Hunter slammed the gavel. "Witness will answer."
"You're not a judge."
The gavel glowed.
Mirror Harry looked at it.
Hunter looked at it.
"Apparently I fucking am now."
Mirror Harry sighed. "Seven."
The original Harry stared.
Kenzi whispered, "Holy shit."
"Seven actual Lordships?"
"Six Lordships and one Principality."
Harry's mouth opened.
Closed.
Opened again.
"Why?"
"Inheritance."
"That's not an answer!"
"It was complicated!"
"Potter?"
"Yes."
"Black?"
"Yes."
"Peverell?"
"Yes."
Mirror Harry winced.
The original Harry stared at him. "Don't."
"Gryffindor."
"Fuck off."
"Slytherin."
"Of course."
"Hufflepuff."
"HOW?"
"Cadet line."
"Ravenclaw?"
Mirror Harry looked offended. "No."
Harry visibly relaxed.
"That would be ridiculous."
Harry pointed at him. "Thank you."
"The Principality came through Ravenclaw."
Harry's hand remained extended.
His face slowly emptied.
Hunter folded over the moderator's table.
Kenzi was wheezing.
Even Gandalf's nine fox tails seemed pleased.
Harry dragged both hands down his face. "Fine. Magical cores."
"Real."
Harry lowered his hands. "No."
"Yes."
"As a measurable internal reservoir?"
"Yes."
"With affinities?"
"Yes."
"Core growth?"
"Yes."
"Core blocks?"
Mirror Harry's expression darkened. "Unfortunately."
Harry stared.
Dresden leaned forward. "Artificial restriction of magical capacity?"
"Three layers."
Harry's head snapped around. "Three?"
"One Ministry-standard childhood limiter, one accidental Horcrux-related constriction, and one deliberately placed."
Harry looked almost offended on behalf of causality. "Who deliberately placed it?"
Mirror Harry stared at him.
Harry's expression fell.
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Dumbledore."
Hunter made a delighted noise.
Original Harry immediately pointed at Gandalf. "Mine didn't!"
Gandalf nodded. "Established."
"Good."
Mirror Harry looked between them. "Yours didn't manipulate your placement, conceal multiple inheritances, restrict access to family properties, arrange your childhood environment to cultivate a martyr complex and attempt to shape you into a sacrificial weapon?"
"No!"
Mirror Harry blinked. "Huh."
Harry stared at him. "Huh?"
"Good for you."
"Don't patronize me!"
"I'm not. I'm genuinely happy for you."
Harry looked ready to strangle himself.
Hermione stepped between them slightly. "Perhaps continue with the list."
Harry took a breath. "Fine. Goblins."
Mirror Harry immediately smiled.
Harry saw it.
"Don't."
"Bloodfang sends his regards."
Harry's eyes closed.
Hunter slapped the table.
"Who's Bloodfang?"
"My Gringotts account manager."
Harry opened his eyes again. "He has a name like Bloodfang."
"Translation issue."
"Does he greet you with sayings about gold and enemy blood?"
"Not every time."
Harry's eye twitched.
Mirror Harry considered it. "Mostly birthdays."
Kenzi had tears running down her face.
Harry rounded on her. "This isn't funny."
"It is from here."
Mirror Harry raised a finger. "To be fair, goblins aren't universally helpful in my world."
Harry seized on that. "Thank you."
"They like me because I killed a dragon for them."
Harry stared.
"Why did you kill a dragon for Gringotts?"
"It owed them money."
Dresden lowered his hockey stick. "I have several follow-up questions."
"So do I," Harry said.
Mirror Harry shrugged. "It was a weird summer."
Harry decided not to pursue it.
"Love potions from Molly Weasley?"
Mirror Harry's amusement vanished.
Original Harry immediately regretted asking.
"Oh, for fuck's sake."
"Three-year exposure."
Hermione's jaw dropped.
Ginny went very still.
Mirror Harry raised both hands. "My Molly. Not yours."
Original Harry pointed emphatically at Ginny. "Ours didn't."
Ginny nodded. "She absolutely did not."
"Thank you."
Mirror Harry glanced toward her. "Lucky."
Ginny's expression softened despite herself. "I'm sorry."
"Different universe."
Harry rubbed his forehead. "Marriage contracts?"
Mirror Harry laughed.
Nobody else did.
His laughter slowly stopped.
"How much time do we have?"
Harry's hands dropped.
"No."
"Twelve."
"NO."
"Originally."
"ORIGINALLY?"
"I got nine dissolved."
Bo's eyebrows climbed.
Kenzi whispered, "Three left."
Mirror Harry pointed at her. "Thank you, Count Chocula."
She grinned.
Original Harry stepped around his lectern. "Why are there still three?"
"Because one was written into the Potter family magic, one was enforced by an actual divine covenant, and one of the women involved personally beat me in a duel over the right to keep it."
Bo's eyes lit up.
Harry saw her reaction. "Don't encourage him."
"I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to."
Mirror Harry nodded toward Bo. "She'd understand."
Bo smiled. "I already do."
Hunter leaned toward her. "Fight first?"
"Fight first."
"Then fuck?"
"Then fuck."
Mirror Harry stared at Hunter. "Oh. You're that Hunter."
Hunter looked delighted. "You know me too?"
"Unfortunately."
"Fantastic."
Original Harry shoved the conversation back onto the rails. "Veela mate."
Mirror Harry went silent.
Harry stared at him.
"No."
Mirror Harry looked away.
"No."
"Fleur."
Harry recoiled. "She's your sister-in-law!"
"Not in my world!"
"Who?"
"Gabrielle."
Harry froze.
Mirror Harry rubbed his face. "It's complicated."
Hunter was making noises that no longer qualified as laughter.
Harry pressed on with the grim determination of a man repeatedly kicking a land mine to determine whether this one might finally be inert.
"Soul bond."
"Yes."
"Creature inheritance."
"Yes."
"Helpful family magic."
"Yes."
"Sentient ancestral manor."
"Yes."
"Time-traveling future daughter."
"Twice."
Harry stopped.
"How do you have a time-traveling future daughter twice?"
"Two daughters."
"That's not what I meant."
"I know."
"Secret Potter vault?"
"Several."
"Hidden portrait of my parents that explains everything?"
"Not everything."
Harry's shoulders sagged.
"But a surprising amount."
"Of course."
"Ancient magical trunk containing an apartment?"
"Three-bedroom."
"Animagus forms based on personality?"
"Five forms."
Harry stared.
Mirror Harry looked defensive. "That one wasn't my fault."
"Five?"
"One's technically a magical beast."
"OF COURSE IT IS."
Gandalf stroked his beard with increasing satisfaction.
Harry pointed accusingly at him. "You did this."
"I cast a mirror."
"You cast concentrated fanfiction!"
Mirror Harry looked offended. "My life is not fanfiction."
Harry stopped.
The words landed.
Mirror Harry's irritation faded, and for the first time the two of them simply looked at each other.
Original Harry sighed.
"You're right."
"Thank you."
"Your world is real."
"So is yours."
"And all that bullshit actually happened."
"Yes."
Harry looked physically pained by the admission.
"Fine."
Mirror Harry nodded.
Then Gandalf asked the question that mattered.
"And are you a thot?"
Mirror Harry's face changed.
Original Harry slowly turned toward him.
Hunter straightened.
Kenzi's grin returned.
Bo looked interested.
Ginny narrowed her eyes.
Mirror Harry took one careful step backward.
"No."
The spectral hand twitched.
Original Harry stared at it.
Then at his mirror.
"Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me."
"I can explain."