Chapter 181 – Who Was Wrong
No matter how things developed, no matter how anxious Natsuki Subaru was in wanting to solve everything all by himself, time still passed quickly.
A sleepless night brought him no solution to the crisis. Instead, it only added new weight onto his already worn-out spirit.
With heavy dark circles under his eyes and bloodshot eyes, Subaru stood by Emilia's side. Just like always, he spoke and joked as if he didn't care about what was coming next.
"Subaru? Don't you really need to rest for a bit?"
"Of course, I'd love to get a good rest. But the moment I think about a weak, cute girl possibly breaking down in tears under the villagers' gazes, I can't possibly relax." Subaru yawned, rubbed the corner of his eyes, and looked at Emilia's face, which showed a trace of displeasure.
He let out a sigh.
"How rude of you. Even I can handle what's coming. So Subaru, you can go rest properly." Emilia put her hands on her hips, trying hard to look reliable, as if everything could be left to her. But she still couldn't fully hide her expression or her real thoughts.
"Yes, yes, if only when you said that, you'd pat your chest to show some confidence instead of speaking so softly that I can barely hear you."
"You're the one not listening seriously. I was speaking very loudly."
"Really? Then maybe I just won't go in with you next. I happen to be tired, after all."
Saying this, Subaru turned and started to leave. But after only a few steps, he looked back and saw Emilia still standing in place, hands folded in front of her, not moving forward at all.
Even without seeing her face and hands clearly, Subaru didn't need to imagine to know her expression must be conflicted. He didn't need to check what her fingers were doing to know those small hands must be clutching her skirt tightly.
"Emilia?"
"What is it?"
Returning to her side, Subaru's bloodshot eyes revealed a faint worry.
"Are you really alright?"
"I'll be fine… I just need a little more time to prepare myself mentally."
"But judging from your look, I don't think you could push this door open even by noon."
"That's prejudice. Even someone like me—"
"In the end, it isn't me being prejudiced against you, it's you being prejudiced against yourself." Subaru sighed helplessly, pulling back his mock karate chop.
He raised his leg and took a step forward. Just as he raised both hands to push the door open, his hands suddenly lost all strength.
If he pushed the door open, how would he face the villagers? Should he deceive them, saying this place was sealed by a barrier and only Emilia could undo it before they could leave?
Or should he ignore last night's plan altogether and take them away right now, letting them reunite with their families sooner, but leaving Emilia behind alone?
While Subaru wrestled with these thoughts, he felt his sleeve being tugged. Composing himself, he turned and saw Emilia lowering her head, her face full of gloom.
"You don't blame me?"
"Huh?"
Subaru looked at her as she lifted her head. But when he saw her expression clearly, he didn't know what attitude, what mask, what tone he should use to face her.
"You don't blame me?" she repeated, leaving Subaru a little lost.
"This is just a simple matter, yet I can't do it without you staying beside me. Subaru, you look so exhausted. I'm the reason you've become like this. Why won't you blame me?"
"What are you saying, Emilia? I've told you so many times already. Why won't you reflect on it? Oh, right—the self-criticism letter you promised me, you haven't given it to me yet. Looking at you now, you still haven't reflected at all. I'm really disappointed in you, Emilia."
"Liar."
"Huh?"
"You're not disappointed in me at all! You never had any expectations of me in the first place!"
"That's a misunderstanding! How in the world did it come to this? I've always had great expectations for you, Emilia!"
"Then tell me—what is it you expect from me? Always, always it's like this.
You always indulge me, always help me from places I can't see. And you never want anything from me in return.
For what purpose are you helping me?
Just scold me! If you did, at least I could understand.
Even if it hurt, at least it would mean you expected something of me. But you never tell me what you'll do, you never ask me to help!"
"..."
Where did it all go wrong? What happened? Why was everyone turning against him one by one?
"Ah, damn it, this is such a headache! All of you are really annoying, one after another." His tone grew harsh.
"Didn't you want me to scold you? So you're actually a masochist? Since you want it so badly, I'll oblige you!"
He pried Emilia's hand away and turned, glaring at her angrily.
"I've really had enough! You don't need to complicate things.
All you have to do is act according to your own thoughts, without knowing anything else. Always watching me—worried I'll get hurt? Worried I'll lose control? Isn't a perfect result all that matters?
I don't need your help at all. I can solve everything by myself. Your existence is unnecessary…"
Silence. The words stuck in his throat. Were these really the right words? Clearly, they weren't. He was just lashing out at them.
The truth was, things had turned out this way entirely because of him.
From the moment he arrived in this world, everything he faced was his own will, his own choice.
It was because he wanted to become that kind of person, because he had that kind of goal, that things turned out this way. Did anyone else really do anything wrong? The answer was no.
So then—did anyone truly do anything wrong at all?
All he ever wanted was for everyone to live, without pain, without sorrow.
That's why he tried so hard. And they—because they worried about him—wanted to reach out their hands.
Was that really wrong? Then who was wrong?
All he wanted was for everyone to live on, free from grief, free from suffering. So why was the distance between them only growing further apart?
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