June 30, 2244
The pain in my ribs stopped.
I feel normal.
As normal as I could. But not like before. Not like when you were here.
Remember that whiskey?
…Yeah, I keep drinking.
More and more. The bottle's gone now.
I only do it when Luce is sleeping. I get drunk and then I don't dream. I just sleep. And that's the closest thing to peace I've had in a long time.
I know you wouldn't want me to.
I know you'd shake your heads at me.
I'm trying, guys. I'm really trying.
July 1, 2244
Today was rough. Thought about you both more than usual.
Mom's necklace feels heavier around my neck. Like it's pulling me down.
I played cards with Bobo and Luce. They taught me the rules. I lost every game. They laughed at me and I laughed too.
It was fun. For a second it almost felt normal.
July 2, 2244
Hey.
I'm not doing well.
Can you come back? Even just for a second. Just a moment. Just enough for me to remember what your voices sounded like.
The dreams are back.
I can't take it.
I'm going to steal more booze.
(Don't tell Luce.)
July 4, 2244
heeeyyyyy—
im drnuk. 2 aM.
Luce iz sleping. she snoressss. (like a bear. don't tell her I said that).
I miisss youuu.
I hate me.
I killed you.
Got you killd.
its my fau—
all my fau—
all all all allll—
il be better.
i promisss.
i promissssss.
(god my hands feel heavy… pen keeps slipping. ink everywhere. sorry. sorry. sorry.)
love you. love you love you love—
July 5, 2244
Hey Mom and Dad.
I had a long day.
Luce caught me in the morning. I passed out on the couch and forgot to hide the bottle.
But… she wasn't mad. Said she already knew. Said she could smell it on me for days.
Then she did the strangest thing. She asked me to pour her some. We sat together, shared a drink, and just… talked. For hours. About everything.
I cried in front of her. Ugly, heavy, can't-breathe crying. But it felt good. Not because of the booze — because she stayed there. Because she listened.
Maybe I was going about this wrong. Maybe what I needed wasn't sleep without dreams. Maybe it was someone who'd sit with me in them.
She wanted me to write something down for her:
On behalf of Luce — "Hi Desmond! Hi Darla! Say hi to Elliot for me."
She misses you too, I think.
I love your friends. They're keeping me alive.
July 10, 2244
Good morning.
Haven't checked in for a while — not because I forgot, but because I've been busy. Really busy.
And I feel… better. Not good, not like before, but better. The dreams are still there. They probably always will be. But they're getting easier to carry.
Far from easy. But easier.
I've been spending time with Angelica. Remember Elliot's little girl? She's adorable. She's hurting too, same way I am. I gave her a notebook and told her what Luce told me — "write it down, get it out." She actually listened.
We played games with the other kids in the lower levels. Ended up getting yelled at by some market traders for being too loud. It was fun.
Turns out I'm good with kids. (Thanks, Mom — I think I got that from you.)
They call me Mr. Mikey. Can you believe that? It's awesome. Makes me feel like I actually matter to them.
And—big news—I stopped drinking like I was. No more sneaking bottles, no more blackouts.
Last night, though, me, Bobo, Luce, and Ryosuke shared a drink together. Just one. It wasn't about forgetting. It was about laughing, swapping stories, letting the night feel human. They told me tales of their old missions—funny ones, terrifying ones. That'll be me soon. My stomach flips just thinking about it.
Amelia didn't join. She avoids me still. Tomorrow I'm going to try and talk to her.
Wish me luck. :)
July 11, 2244
Well. That went… badly.
Currently sitting here with a bright red handprint on my face. Yeah. She slapped me.
Turns out I'm terrible at defusing situations. (Thanks, Dad—I think I get that from you.)
I asked Amelia what her problem with me was. She gave me this long answer, a whole paragraph, and—well—I didn't exactly listen. Instead I brought up that rooftop night again. Told her she handled it wrong.
Yeah. Not my best moment.
She really didn't like that.
But here's the thing. That night? She was incredible. Beautiful, funny, kind. I got to see that side of her once. She's still like that—with everyone else. Just not me. And that hurts.
I don't know. Maybe we'll fix it. Maybe not. Luce says Amelia will open up again eventually.
I pray she's right.
July 14, 2244
Hey, Ma. Hey, Pa.
Today was a lot.
Ryosuke and I went to help some refugees. One of their sites had been raided. (I probably should've told you sooner, but the Defectors run these little hidden city-state things. Territories. Luce calls them that. I'm still in her "history class," but I'm catching on.)
Ryosuke's hometown was one of them—Hiroki. Before it got destroyed a decade ago.
They're all connected in this secret Union, the one the Defectors protect from the Council. The town we helped today was called Rossen, near this place in the Outlands they call the Glasslands. Supposedly it used to be just sand dunes until something—probably Director Mako—turned it all to glass.
Every story about the Directors makes my skin crawl. They get scarier every time.
Anyway—back to Rossen. The refugees poured into the silo. And the things I saw… so much death. So much pain. These were civilians. Families. Kids. The Council is pure evil.
It's disgusting.
But—on a lighter note—I got snacks with Angelica afterward. We ate dinner with her family.
Marlene's hurting. We talked, just us. She misses Elliot. She still believes he did the right thing, helping us get Amelia and Ryosuke out. She's strong.
That's the thing about the Defectors: every single one I meet, every story I hear, they're all strong. Stronger than me, maybe. But I'm learning.
July 20, 2244
I'm here again.
I miss you guys.
This week has been good for the most part.
The refugees from Rossen are settling in and getting treatment.
Everyone's injuries have healed for the most part.
Bobo and Ryosuke even got their metal arms back.
I rarely see Amelia. We have these dinners in Bobo's pod. All five of us.
I see her there.
(Forgot to mention Bobo's pod is disgusting. Old man needs to learn to clean. Surprisingly Luce doesn't mind it considering she goes there every other night and thinks I don't notice her sneak out. Those freaks.)
Oh and apparently I have a test coming up.
To determine whether I am fit to be a Defector hit squad member.
I thought anyone could join but guess not.
I'm scared. They don't tell me what it will be. But I'm ready. I think.
Ryosuke is going to train me.
I had to beg him for days before he agreed.
We start tomorrow.
I'm going to kick ass.
;)
July 21, 2244
Okay. Correction. I did not kick ass.
Everything hurts. My ribs, my legs, even my toes somehow.
First lesson was martial arts. Just sparring. Simple, right?
Except I've never ended up flat on my ass so many times in my life.
Ryosuke didn't even try.
Barely used his arms.
Just swept me, tossed me, pinned me like I weighed nothing.
Amelia was there too.
Watching.
She laughed. A lot.
Honestly? Worth it. Nice to see her smile again, even if it was at my expense.
We're starting another session soon. I'm tempted to fake being sick but—
He's at the door.
Shit.
Shit.
July 31, 2244
I'm convinced Ryosuke's trying to kill me.
He's evil. Pure evil.
My body feels like a melted blob. Every. Single. Day.
And this isn't training. Training implies teaching.
What Ryosuke does is beat the hell out of me and then call it "growth."
He's not a teacher—he's a bully with discipline.
And get this—he makes me call him "Sensei." Apparently it means teacher.
How about I call you Dickhead, you absolute asshole? Feels more accurate.
But… I won't lie. Something's happening.
I almost landed a hit on him today. Didn't connect, but it was close. The closest I've ever been. And for the tiniest second, his eyes lit up. Like he was proud.
I'm learning. Slowly. Painfully. But I'm learning.
I love you guys.
Talk to you tomorrow.
August 5, 2244
I finally hit him!
Mom! Dad!
I HIT HIM!
BOOM!
I'm getting stronger.
That's all.
Love you.
August 6, 2244
Luce and Bobo finally had that talk with Isaak. He was busy sneaking the rest of the refugees in to talk to them.
I overheard. He was shouting like a mad man.
It was so funny.
They got CHEWED OUT!
Gave me a good laugh.
Speaking of Bobo, he's been really helping me out lately. He started joining my daily routine of playing with Angelica and her friends. He's really gentle with them. Like a giant teddy bear. I can see why he was your best friend, Dad. He's a great guy.
It's crazy how someone that strong can be so soft.
We shared a drink the other night. Had a good laugh. He even gave me his cigar. I coughed my lungs out but it was okay.
(Never doing that again.)
He told me some stories about you guys. How you met.
Apparently Dad and Luce used to be lovers until Mom came in the picture.
You guys were my age.
He saved you on a mission.
You got separated from the group and had to stay for days in a cave.
No better way to get close to someone, huh?
It feels good to talk about you. It's getting easier.
Love you.
August 7, 2244
Good morning!
I slept alright.
Still had a dream.
Not a good one.
But bearable.
Overheard Luce talking with Ryosuke. Apparently they still can't find this Tobi guy.
The same one Ryosuke went back for before he got caught.
From what I know he didn't retreat because he was too scared—he hid, and got stuck in the Council. Ryosuke went back for him and got captured in the process. They must really care about him. Luce worries for him.
Sounds like a pussy though.
I heard they're doing a bonfire tonight in the market square on the lower levels.
Should be fun.
Gonna meet some people. Maybe talk to Amelia. I gotta fix that. She cut her hair, by the way. Short. A bob cut, I think? She looks really pretty.
But enough about that.
I—
Sorry. Luce is calling for me. Gotta do something for her.
I love you guys. So much.
:)
Mikey clicks the pen closed. He closes the notebook.
Luce leans in the doorway, arms crossed.
"You coming, Mikey?"
Mikey smiles slightly.
"Coming!"
He sets the journal down, brushing a hand across its cover one last time before rising to his feet. He walks toward Luce, her long blonde braid swinging against her back.
Just like that, two months have passed.
Mikey Grant is one step closer to being a true Defector.