The deeper into the Dungeon of Distant Moaning they went, the more it smelled like a haunted brothel run by wet socks. Mold clung to the stone walls like desperate ex-boyfriends, and the air shimmered with leftover mana and regret.
Dante stomped forward confidently, Sharpstick resting on his shoulder like he thought he was in a movie trailer.
Behind him, Pickle Peter tiptoed through the sludge, clutching his glitter staff like a security blanket. His unicorn onesie had seen better days. One of the hooves was now just a sock, and the horn drooped sadly from acid damage.
"This place is cursed," Peter muttered. "I can feel it. My nipples are tingling, and not in the fun way."
Dante turned, eyes gleaming. "That's the call of adventure, Pickle."
Peter snorted. "That's nerve damage from slime acid."
⟦ SYSTEM PING: NEW QUEST DETECTED ⟧
Quest: "Unholy Fashion Showdown"
Objective: Defeat the Dungeon Necro-Stylist
Bonus Objective: Recover Peter's Enchanted Unicorn Slippers (Matching Pair)
Difficulty: Ridiculous
Reward: +1 Charisma, Legendary Footwear, and a questionable sense of pride
They reached a tall obsidian door, carved with skeletal fingers flipping the bird. A faint chanting came from within, along with the muffled sounds of a fashion critique and bone-on-bone tap dancing.
"I go first," Dante whispered.
"No stealth?" Peter asked.
"I am stealth," Dante said, then kicked the door open and screamed, "SURPRISE, ASSBONES!"
The room fell silent.
A skeletal sorcerer with a pink feather boa looked up from his undead fashion runway. Beside him, skeletal models in capes and stilettos froze mid-pose.
"Oh gods," Peter whispered. "It's a necromantic drag show."
The sorcerer blinked, or would have, if he had eyelids. "Adventurers? In this economy? Ugh. Kill them. But keep the glittery one. I need a new assistant."
⟦ BOSS BATTLE: MORDIEUX THE NECRO-STYLIST ⟧
Race: Undead
Level: 8
Class: Bone Wizard / Fashion Dictator
Weakness: Salt, Fire, Harsh Criticism
Catchphrase: "You're already dead, darling."
Skeletons clacked toward them in a threatening tap-dance of doom.
Peter flicked his staff up. "Time for sparkly vengeance, bitch."
Peter cast Fabulous Shield!
A wall of rainbow glitter burst outward, knocking skeletons back and leaving them bedazzled and briefly questioning their existence.
Dante, now shielded in a radiant bubble of gay energy, screamed and leapt into the air.
Dante used Reckless Slash!
Sharpstick whistled through the air, decapitating one skeleton, cracking another's pelvis, and definitely bruising Dante's own shin on the backswing.
"Ow. Worth it," he hissed through his teeth.
⟦ COMBAT LOG ⟧
— Peter used "Bedazzle Beam." Mordieux is now blind and fabulous.
— Dante attempted "Heroic Leap." It was more of a heroic stumble.
— Skeleton Minion #3 is confused.
— Peter critiqued Mordieux's outfit. It was super effective.
— Mordieux's confidence drops by 30%.
The necro-stylist hissed, raising a wand shaped like a bone curling iron.
"You dare mock me? You, in a costume that looks like a murdered Lisa Frank binder?!"
Peter narrowed his eyes. "This onesie was enchanted by the Elves of Sasswood Forest. It has pockets."
He hurled a ball of swirling pastel light at Mordieux.
Critical hit!
The boss's boa caught fire.
"NO! THIS IS DRAGON SILK!"
Mordieux exploded in a cascade of bone dust and glitter.
⟦ BOSS DEFEATED! ⟧
Loot Acquired:
— 350 XP
— 27 Gold Teeth
— Legendary Item: Unicorn Slippers of Prismatic Prancing (Soulbound)
— Bonus Title Unlocked: "Catwalk Killers"
Peter clutched the glowing slippers to his chest. "You're home now," he whispered.
Dante stood panting in the middle of the runway. "Did we win?"
Peter handed him a skull wearing sunglasses. "Here. For your trophy room."
"Hell yeah."
The system pinged again.
⟦ LEVEL UP ⟧
DANTE STEELBLADE
→ Level 3
+2 STR, +1 CHA
New Ability: "Chest Thump of Courage" – Boosts party morale and makes enemies uncomfortable.
PICKLE PETER
→ Level 3
+3 INT, +1 WIS
New Ability: "Rainbow Doombeam" – Deals massive magic damage, causes temporary euphoria and mild sexual confusion.
As they walked out of the boss chamber, Peter now strutting with a faint rainbow trail behind him, Dante nudged him with an elbow.
"See? Easy."
Peter scoffed. "If you get me killed, I'm haunting you as a sexy ghost."
"Deal."
They pressed on into the darkness.
Somewhere deeper in the dungeon, something stirred.
And moaned.
But like, differently this time.