Death something both feared and desired.
Have you experienced the death of someone close to you Esmae? I'm not sure if I have. When it comes to death there is only three experiences I could think of. First is the death of a distant relative who I have never met, I went to his funeral with my uncle and saw many cousins I both recognised and don't. Throughout the funeral I felt nothing, I was not happy nor sad.
I didn't even feel pity for the relatives who were affected by this death, through the crying, hearing shared memories and seeing his corpse, I remained unfazed. I silently wondered if I was heartless to not be able to feel sad for the people who are mourning.
Second is a relative who I somewhat consistently see, she would come to my house few time a year to cook for us. She passed of old age and even after hearing news of her passing, I went on my day as usual. I would like to think I possess empathy and in other instances I have been able to show concern for people but theses death didn't affect me which cause me to question myself.
Even if my father is flawed, he is a somewhat decent father which make me can't help but wonder.... when his time comes will I feel something or would I be unaffected...
Lastly is when I was 17, a boy younger that me who went to the same school as me committed suicide. Strangely enough although not enough to effect me I felt something. Maybe because he is young and his death is not natural but cause by himself but I felt that I understood his choices and hoped that his answer brought him peace.
I wondered what caused him to choose the choice he did? Many spoke of his life and described his life as one of happiness with loving parents and caring friends, but I wondered if it was true and if its true what did he hid from everyone that caused him such pain?
How do you process death Esmae? Do you think that the way I reacted is not how someone normal would?