He was standing just a few feet away from me. Breathing. Moving. Alive.
But he wasn’t Paul.
Not completely.
Not in the way i remembered him.
His eyes didn’t light up when he saw me. Hindi siya ngumiti. Walang “Aurora!” na sigaw. Walang “Tagal mo!” o kahit galit man lang na iniwan ko siya.
There was just... silence.
I wanted to cry.
Gusto kong humagulgol at yakapin siya. Gusto kong sabihin na sorry, na kasalanan ko lahat, na sana hindi ko siya pinilit noon. Pero paano kung hindi nga siya si Paul?
Paano kung ‘yung taong hinahanap ko nang labing-anim na taon ay tuluyan na ngang nawala at itong kaharap ko ay multo na lang ng nakaraan?
“Wala ka talagang naaalala?” I finally asked, my voice shaky. “Kahit ano? Kahit pangalan mo? Ako?”
He shook his head slowly. “No. I just woke up one day near the water. May sugat ako sa ulo, may jacket lang ako na hindi ko nga alam kung akin. Tapos may ID sa bulsa. ‘David Tolentino.’ Sabi nila baka daw ‘yun ang pangalan ko, kaya ‘yun na lang ginamit ko. But everything before that? Blanko.”
Lucien cleared his throat. “Nung taon na ‘yon, may batang nawala. Nilamon ng sunog. Akala ng lahat, patay na. Pero walang bangkay.”
“I don’t remember any fire,” he said, looking at me. “Sorry.”
It didn’t feel like rejection.
Mas masakit pa.
Kasi i knew somewhere, in a universe that’s even just a little kinder, Paul would have remembered me.
Calix was still standing beside me.
Tahimik lang siya, pero naramdaman ko ‘yung kamay niya sa balikat ko. Steady. Warm.
Pinipilit kong maging kalmado, pero para akong sinasakal. Paul was here, but i couldn’t reach him. Not really.
“Do you ever get flashes?” I asked, desperate now. “Nightmares? Smells that feel familiar?”
“Sometimes,” he admitted. “Minsan panaginip na may sumisigaw. Sunog. Pero hindi ko alam kung imagination ko lang ‘yon. Or kung trauma.”
Lucien spoke next. “You were a brave kid, anak! Ako ang tatay mo. You saved someone. Aurora. You carried her out of a burning house.”
I looked at him then, eyes pleading. “That was you, Paul. You saved me. You were ten. Tapos bigla kang nawala.”
He looked stunned. “That sounds... like a movie. I don’t know what to say.”
Tumalikod ako sandali.
I needed to breathe.
My chest was too tight.
Everything felt like it was slipping from my hands.
Sixteen years. Sixteen. Years.
Of therapy. Of guilt. Of nightmares. Of believing i was the one who let Paul die.
At ngayong nasa harap ko na siya… hindi ko maramdaman ‘yung relief na inaasahan ko.
Hindi ko maramdaman na nailigtas na rin ako.
We stayed for hours.
Lucien kept talking to him, trying to connect dots. Calix asked calm, probing questions saan siya unang napadpad, may naalala ba siya sa States, anything that would tie him to us.
Ako? I mostly stayed silent.
I was watching him.
Every gesture.
Every frown.
Every confused stare.
At habang tumatagal, the doubt started creeping in.
What if this was a mistake?
What if Lucien wanted to find Paul so badly he convinced himself this man was him?
Kasi kahit hawig siya, kahit pareho ang hugis ng mata niya kay Paul... something was missing. Or maybe i was the one missing it.
“Can i ask you something?” I said quietly, nearing him again. “Do you know what a tulip means?”
He blinked. “A flower?”
I swallowed. “Yeah, but... when we were kids, you told me tulips meant forgiveness. That’s why you planted one in front of our gate. Para sa nanay mong galit sa’yo. Do you remember that?”
He looked at me with a painful kind of sympathy. “I wish i could.”
Napa-upo ako sa isang lumang bangko sa gilid ng kubo. Calix sat beside me, his arm around my shoulders.
“Hey,” he said gently, “you okay?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know what i’m feeling.”
“Let it out.”
I turned to him. “Part of me wants to believe it’s him. Kasi kung siya nga, maybe i can finally forgive myself. Pero kung hindi siya… then what? Bumalik lang ‘yung sakit for nothing?”
“And what if it really is him, but he just… doesn’t remember?” he asked.
“Then he’s still gone,” I whispered. “Kasi hindi na niya ako maalala. Hindi na niya kami.”
Calix was silent. And i was grateful for that.
Kasi minsan, mas nakakakalma ang katahimikan kaysa sa kahit anong paliwanag.
The sun was setting when we said goodbye.
Lucien wanted to stay longer, but i asked him not to.
I told him i needed time.
That i needed space.
David—Paul—watched us go.
And just before we left, I turned to him one last time.
“Can i hug you?” I asked.
He hesitated. But he nodded.
I wrapped my arms around him. And for a moment, I closed my eyes and imagined he was still eleven.
That he still remembered me.
That he was still my Paul.
But when i let go, his eyes were still blank.
On the way back to the hotel, I stared out the window.
The sky was a soft gradient of orange and blue, but it didn’t reach me.
“You okay?” Calix asked again, his voice low.
I didn’t answer.
“Talk to me, Aurora. You’ve been quiet since we left.”
I finally turned to him. “Can i be honest?”
“Always.”
“I’m not sure it’s him.”
Calix nodded slowly. “Why?”
“Because i didn’t feel it. Hindi ko naramdaman. I wanted to believe, Calix. I really did. Pero… ang lamig. Para akong kausap ‘yung anino ni Paul. Hindi siya. Hindi siya ‘yung batang naniwala sa’kin when the whole world hated me.”
“Do you want to keep searching?” he asked.
I looked down at my lap. “I don’t know. I don’t know if i’m strong enough.”
“You are,” he said firmly. “You’re the strongest person i know.”
I gave him a weak smile. “Siraulo ka lang. Wala ka kasing choice, asawa mo ko.”
He chuckled, then leaned closer. “I do have a choice. I chose you. And i still choose you. Kahit na may mga multo kang hinahabol. I’m not going anywhere.”
My chest ached, but this time, it was from gratitude.
Calix wasn’t perfect.
Neither was i.
But in that moment, habang nasa Davao kami at naguguluhan ako kung totoo ba si Paul o hindi… at least, isa sa mga katotohanan ko ay malinaw.
Calix was mine. And i was his.
But that night, when he fell asleep beside me…
I stared at the ceiling.
I kept thinking about Paul’s eyes.
His hands.
The way he tilted his head when confused.
And something still didn’t sit right.
Bakit wala man lang instinct sa kanya?
Even dogs remember the scent of home. Even kids from trauma recall faces in flashes.
Was it really amnesia?
Or was there something he wasn’t saying?
I turned to my side, watching Calix sleep peacefully.
I whispered into the dark, voice barely audible.
“If you really are Paul... bakit hindi mo ko naaalala?”