"I'm telling you bro there's no God outside of us," I say to him, he looks to me like I'm some sort of lost soul whom he pitied with all his might but I continue anyways, "Logically speaking, the God we're talking about is the voice inside you that tells you to do good or bad, our innate voices with which we are born with, the good voice is classified as God by peoples and the bad is classified as Satan ok? That's what I would call the the good and bad sides we're all born with."
He looks at me a bit and slowly shakes his head, "Logically speaking, you're an idiot!" He says and everyone laughs.
"Wait na, you know you don't like to wait, shey you don talk finish? Make I talk."
"Hm! Oya na, talk your nonsense, see God, please o," He says looking up as if conversing with someone, "I was never here!"
"But aren't you like the one spearheading the entire argument?" A girl behind remarks. I look up and catch a glimpse of Ifeoma arriving, immediately after her, arms are interlocked, she stands a bit tall over Ifeoma, has a little more skin too, she feels and looks shy but her presence, aura and skin tone is difficult to resist or ignore, Ifeoma looks more confident and among though. I wave at Ifeoma who reciprocates as they take a seat amongst the third row, I wave to the girl too, she cautiously waves back, I turn my focus back to... This fool!
He looks up again and says, "Ok God, I was here but I'm just busy fighting your battles," And the rest of the class laughs. Somehow, they found it hilarious, wow, a hypothetically powerful being who couldn't fight his own battles but depended on his subjects to defend him always, who were we kidding?
I look over at Chi who was looking at me the entire time, as my eyes catches hers she looks away to her books, she will later begin to admonish me for 'embarrassing her in public.' As she looks into her books she shakes her head slowly as if disappointed in me.
But this is what I loved to do, in this class, we straight out argued about anything and everything, Chiedozie sometimes chipped in but most of the time, it was myself and Chinonye Precious, short, dark skinned, feisty, sweet, 'not trying to impress any motherfucker' an Ìgbo goddess indeed, as I liked to call her, she absolutely hated my anti religious sentiments but I knew for a fact that I was a hard nut to crack and she knew that too but so was she, in more ways than one, we absolutely had our jobs cut out for us but as we both had what it took, she was into law, I, journalism and Chidera was law too, Chiedozie was equally for law too and together whenever we could, we would unapologetically make a raucous, to us, we were simply having fun and learning in the process.
Chidera also hated my anti religious sentiments though but also personally avoided the discussion with me so we don't have a fallout and I respected that but when it came to politics or any other nonsense, my girl was hotter than a metal ready for sharpening.
"So let me ask you, do you believe in God?" He asked calmly, he sat on a desk and looked me deep in the eyes...Kai! I chuckle, Two can play that game.
"Which one?" I ask. He sounds frustrated as he looks around.
Scoffing he asks, "Which one is which one again? There's only one true God and he's the God of Israel... Yah..."
"Just imagine the rubbish you're spitting... Infact, first of all, according to other people's beliefs, there's no one true God because there are multiple true Gods," I refer to the Gods with air quote unquotes, "Across multiple centuries, dynasties and regions, Allah of Saudi, Vishnu, Brahma, Shiva, Krishna etc of southeast Asia, Amun or Amen Ra of Egypt where the word 'Amen' comes from, Osiris, Horus or Heru of Egypt, where the word hero comes from, Heru, Hero, you get the point, Seth of Egypt where the Seth in your Bible was copied from, eternal ancestors and founding Kim dynasty of North Korea, Kim il Sung and Kim Jong il, Zeus, Hades, Athena and Poseidon of Greece, Hera, Thor, Loki and Odin of Norse mythology or Scandinavia present day Finland, Norway and Sweden, Anị, Idemmili, Ọmà, Ọgbunanyasị, Ekwensu, who is the trickster God of war for the Ìgbo people and not the devil like the Christian colonizers made our early ancestors believe, Ịkụkụ of Ìgbo land, Yemoja, Osun, Ogun, Oduduwa, Obatala, whom some cultures like to depict as a lady, me too, Sango, Esu, who's also not the devil like the Christians say but the Yoruba trickster God of war, Oya, the beautiful goddess of transformations in Yoruba land, lemme also add Buddha, of southeast Asia, Siddhartha Gautama, even though he's not necessarily a God but he is who it is, Anansi, the spider trickster God of the Akan people of Ghana... so... and many more, so my point is simple, there have been over three thousand deities, four thousand beliefs across the universe spanning across all ages, eras, periods and dynasties so your God and no one's God is and can be the supreme one or the only one true God and need I remind you all Africans that Africa is the only continent in the world that have successfully demonized their own deities, beliefs and themselves and I dare do say it their very own ancestors even down to your very own moms, grannies, dads and grandpappies who just recently departed but gladly and openly accept, venerate, champion and enrich another person's identity and beliefs, even the person has no use for it, further claiming that the living and the dead have nothing in common but crushing on, loving, idolizing and celebrating a figure created in Europe by the European colonizers of the middle easterners to be their hero that will save them from the said Europeans but in reality to keep the middle easterners subdued not to fight them the Europeans, "Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and give to God what belongs to God," "Slaves honor your masters as the church honors Christ her master," these two phrases are basically the same thing, the second phrase boils down to marriage too, "Wives honor your husband as he is the head of the home as the church honors Christ as he is the head of the church" they are still the same thing, unfortunately in this latter, women accept subjugation and misogyny like inheritance because apparently it was "God" that made it so, oh Eve for deceiving your husband and eating the fruit I told you not to eat, even though I'm the one that put that tree there knowing fully well as the all knowing beast... sorry God that I am that you guys are definitely gonna eat it anyways but I still put it there and now me and my buddy Satan who of course takes permission from me to do all he does as evident in the book of Job have successfully deceived humanity whom I created and now I'm gonna watch from my high and mighty throne above as humanity suffers and fuck each other up then when I'm good and satisfied, I can send my kid to y'all for about thirty years of which the first thirty is spent flexing in Egypt, the cradle of civilization and humanity and the remaining three will be spent telling slaves to obey their masters till I get the slave masters to bundle him up and murder him publicly, humiliating him might I add and after a short ass weekend, he wakes up, we make a ton of noise about he saving y'all's ass and a great sacrifice I made for y'all and my kid is back home with me leaving y'all to murder and f each other out with a promise that he'll be back when I'm good and tired of watching y'all f your selves up... that's how dumb y'all's story sounds! The figure's hypothetical origin is the middle east, he hypothetically died for the world and hypothetically promised to come back to save the world again from the same sins he hypothetically died for earlier, if his cleansed all sins, why is there still sin? Now that's something to ponder about! You're told to honor your ancestors who are the reason you are alive but you say no! You'll say the living and the dead have nothing in common..."
"Of course!" He choruses, as the others murmur and nod in agreement.
"But you honor an hypothetical character who hypothetically died two thousand plus years ago who I must add isn't even part of your tribe, land or close to you in anyway, not even the same skin color as you but you fail to honor your own moms and grandmas, dads and grandpappies who are te closest to you, you insult them and demonize them by calling them demonic, evil and the inherent cause if your problems, such an insult and disgrace to the ones who crawled, walked and suffered so you can fly and soar above the birds, the heavens and the skies."
"Abeg Chizzy, wetin this babe dey yarn sef?" One of the guys inquire from behind.
"I swear, I just dey look am since."
"Nnyà eh, ọnọdụ nọ ná kọ tú, just talking what she doesn't know!"
"Who our ancestors help? Who Africa help? Africa no fit ever better..."
"You dey mind am? Make I do comot this yeye Africa Abegi!" Another says, a guy.
Asides these few at the back, I turn around and the entire class is staring at me like "whoa!"
"After so much progress, you guys are still..." I don't blame them, I recall her dad is a politician, I smile, they're embittered by the recent rapid development in the new regions which are collectively called the Otọ́sị Naija.
Many are not surprised though, it's my usual, some are still convinced I'm going to hell or God will punish me with a plague or something which they make clear in the texts even sharing bible links or different church links, I always chuckle whilst deleting them all. Some spam texting "burn in hell!" My friends like Chi sometimes saying "Girl, you don't like their beliefs, fine! Just respect them, I'm part of them after all remember? And besides, I know you have beliefs too that you want respected?" And I go sit in a corner and begin to realize why I have only two friends, my dad and Chi, well like they say, the price for knowledge is loneliness and I'm kinda used to that now.
"I swear boss, I no sabi o, no be wetin I ask am she dey talk so o," He continues , "Na why I no dey follow woman talk, dem no dey ever sabi arti..."
"Articulate what?" Chidera thunders from where she was seated, "No, if your ákpá amụ is intact talk that kain rubbish again!"
"Aswear, don't mind him!" Another girl supports.
"Look at him o...!" Girls slowly began attacking him as he raises his hand in a mock apology, smiles all over. He makes to kiss Chidera who dodges his head.
"Babe, I'm sorry na, but see Ngozi was talking nonsense since but you no talk anything," He says as he hurries after her.
"Says who? I was listening, I was paying attention because her brain dey sharp, unlike your empty skull," I laugh alongside everyone else, this was Chidera's jurisdiction, non religious arguments.
"Excuse me seniors," A head pops through the door, small, middle schoolish, seventh gradish, bald, colonized.
"What do you want?" A voice from the back thunders fear into the boy.
Startling, he replies,"Please... Please... Please is... is... is... is this senior Esther's class, the senior prefect?" I felt furious hearing the boy refer to her as the senior prefect, I wondered why, Nkoli in the front sat around like she didn't care.
"Senior what?" Someone from the back objects.
"Ónyé kwụ́lụ that thing?" Another says.
"No... Infact," Yet another guy instructs, snapping at him to approach him, he continues, "Yes, yes, come, come inside first, come inside...! fast!" Few of the boys at the back seat add weight, for him, he approaches with the fear synonymous with that of the fear of death... Not for me of course, I'm awakened. He drops the bag on the nearest locker and heads over to the guys, before he arrives fully, he receives multiple heavy knocks and a hard deafening slap on his cheeks at the same time from various different people, the boys were exhilarated, the girls were pitiful yet silent... I wondered why I too was.
"Shey you dey mad ni? Who be your senior prefect?" One of them asks.
The boy in tears replies, "Se... See.. Senior Es...ther," Before he's done talking, more slaps and knocks descend on the boy.
Bullies! I murmur to myself but I didn't wanna talk because I too supported the notion that he wasn't supposed to be referring to Neche as the SP but I knew I'm supposed to talk... Abegi! Forget, may he collect am joor, Neche no be SP.
Damn, my cognitive dissonance has gotten the better of me... Wouldn't be the first.
"How far na? Guys!" A light skinned girl arises and says. Her beauty was mesmerizing and I couldn't help but... Chidera notions me to focus and I gently shove her off, "This is a junior student, a middle schooler, if this guy go and report now and his parents transfer him from this school now, what will you say?" The charming light skinned nné says concludes.
"Who be this one again?" One of the culprits asks as the boy stands there in the midst of us, crying, confused, defeated. "How that one take concern us if the boy commot? We resemble like say we send him papa?"
"How far be calming down o, na fine girl be this o you dey follow talk," His friend one of the bullies says to him.
"How far Tornado and so? Last last, I go still run the bitch na no fear, all these bitches na money dem dey find..."
"How far which kain talk be that one, see, if your mama na Áshánà e no mean say other girls like us na áshánà o! And no dey call us bitches, mind your mouth o, who be your bitch, I resemble your papa wey be female dog?" The guy, triggered scales over the tables to attack the girl who makes the statement but I get in the way.
"Ah, ah, Ikubor you forget say I dey here? You wan touch one of my girls?" I say to him as others watch on, the kid in tears is still confused on whether to leave or not and no one was telling him none.
"Bịà way, Ngozi, I go handle you o! I just dey warn you siiiinnnce!" I, clearly scared and frightened but trying my best to be calm and collected, comes a whole lot closer, looks him deep in the eyes as he points at me and replies.
"And I just dey wait you since," I say dropping his hands by his finger.
"Hmmmmm! No wahala na, una dey here o! Ọsụé may e no be like say una no dey o," He says and scales over to his chair, I laugh and look over to Chidera who feighs uninterest, omo eh! Chi sha.
As I turn, Neche gaily makes her way in escorted by her gang, I roll my eyes, great! Another drama group.
"Awwwwwn, my baby, ah, ah, who made you cry na?" She says rushing to the boy as she realizes his presence, "And why's my bag on the floor na? Una eh for this class! Wicked classmates, I know it'll not pass Chidera and..." She turns to us, her favorite targets but I wasn't in the least having it...
"May my name no just comot that your undersized teeth for there o!" I agitate towards her.
"Or what?" Dumebi says, she as if already waiting for me calmly shoves Neche away a bit and begins cracking her knuckles, "Esther call am na may I see wetin the fool wan do." I only smile and shake my head, I knew nothing else to do.
"Foolish set of people," She says eyeing our direction, "Abegi! My love, who beat you na? Is it Chidera and her stupid friends or..." She says turning to eye us up... Again!.
"N...n...n...no... No! SP, it's... It's... the seniors at the back, they slapped... And knock me because I refer to you as... S... P..." The boy begins to cry extremely and Neche hugs him and almost immediately the entire class begins to exclaims because the boy's head is now rested almost comfortably between her two big balls of skin, bigger than her age I must say but alright.
One boy rushes towards the boy, lifts him up and takes him outta the class immediately, slapping him on his head and back he says, "If I catch you for this class again, you go find your two left legs, idiot! C'mon run to your class!" The boy in tears and pain makes a run for it as the boy hits him one last time.
Some girls are pitiful, exclaiming "tụfịákwà" and "God forbid" and "ólé kwá" at him, some, the male centered ones, laugh and encourage him, none including me, arises to do nothing.
"Ah, ah, what's the meaning of that na?" Neche exclaims at the boy.
"How far Esther you wan may the boy spoil? Something wey you suppose give men dem for here wey we dey you carry am go dey give small, small pikins wey no merit am, how far na?" The boy says with pride over the approvals of the guys at the back and I slap my head at the realization.
"Boys are stupid!" I say.
"Na today you know? Always sexualizing the opposite gender, ordinary hug o, Fịà kwá ndị á," Chidera concurs snapping her fingers at them with disgust.
"Ok, I see the case here, you want breast? No problem, come and meet me by that area na so that we can..." She winks at him and he licks his lips while rubbing his palms together, his friends smile and hands him numerous thumbs ups and hypes in form of cheers, claps and slappy handshakes, typical boys!
"Shey na him just come last month?" Someone behind us asks.
"Yes o, the foolish nigga, he just arrived" I reply.
"No wonder, he doesn't know anything, he was not informed," Chidera says and we all around laugh.
Neche leaves and her crew take their seat, I keep staring at the new fair overriped pawpaw till she realizes and waves back at me with a charming smile and my heart skips... "If you keep staring like a creep it won't be long before the school blog and papers has your name on it as the newest fag in town and you know Ebuka ná sụ pụ Ìgbo, he's always watching," Chidera advices me and I, realizing she's correct, heeds.
I excuse myself and head over to the new girl's seat, she's seated next to Ifeoma, I greet my girl, "Ify how far na? Ify sweet m!" She pecks me and I smile unintelligently.
She smiles at me, "Good morning o my love, how far?"
"I dey o, who's this your new friend?" I ask staring into the new girl's eyes briefly.
"She's Samantha, my best friend since childhood, she just arrived from Benin city..."
"That's practically another country, girl, you're multinational, intercontinental" She smiles.
"Resti ah! It's across the bridge here, I fit leg am."
"Ifeoma, jealousy! It's still another country, Yoruba nation, ndị Yoruba, it's Oduduwa republic, it's another country, ọbọdọ ọchịchị odịdá anyánwụ, we're in Biafra, ọbọdọ ọchịchị ndị ọwụwa anyánwụ, ọbọdọ anyánwụ n'etị, ányị nábọ nọ́ na ndịda, Arewa nó ná ụgwụ, so big and vast, as usual, ụgwụ Hausa, ok?"
"I wonder why that former Delta and Edo state regions fell under Oduduwa, Yoruba nation, I actually used to see them as predominantly Ìgbo, just kidding though... but at least, just Delta, clearly Edo I used to see as Yoruba affiliated somehow, however they're not though... well at least that's what my mom says."
"I like the way the borders are sha, the eastern people in the other regions especially in Delta came back to ọbọdọ Biafra, the westerners went back to their lands to develop their lands as we are doing so, the regions from the North that Biafra got were used to place those easterners who just arrived, same went for the westerners in their lands and the land they got from the North, you know the rest, I like this divide, everyone is happy, there's unity amongst the regions now that no one is any one's enemy or one has to share states with their enemy and plus in as much as the North lost some land, they got undisputed access to the oceans through the new canal being built and the oil deal, plus they're still larger than the rest of the regions in land and population, it's a win, win, triple win for everyone."
"Abi?" Ebube says... Clearly confused but doesn't show it.
A guy passes by and chuckles, "Girls dey discuss politics? Omo!"
"Omo na so we see am oh! All hands on deck for economic, continental, global and productive unity and all," I reply and continue with them.
"Free Palestine!" Chidera shouts from across the class.
"Werey! Palestine is long free, a country and prosperous, Gaza is a country also but an autonomous region of Palestine, Iran is prosperous and finally, thanks to the ladies who had eventually gotten courage to fight for their rights are now moving Iran to a better future, Persia to the world I guess."
"Mass comm! The journalist!" Chidera hypes me up, I can't help but blush.
"Chicken!"
Chi gave me a nickname...
"Anyways... Because I don't even understand this una political talk sef, Samantha when did you start watching News?" Ifeoma asks.
"Omo, it's my mommy o, when I'm bored I just usually join her, she says it's interesting and more peaceful and assimilatable now that there isn't much violence and conflict and thanks to the advent of more women bring incharge, the world is pushing for better, peaceful and long lasting solutions to age old and modern problems."
"Nooo, she's correct, I love that, it's true," I say.
Ifeoma chuckles, "Ok o, anyways, I didn't even know she was coming sef, she just surprised me and now, her and her family are officially ndịBuchi like me, she's living near the school here sef, so I'll stop coming to your house because..."
"Ehyaaa! I'll miss you!" I reply with every hint of sarcasm I have. We both squint at each other till she proceeds to bite the ever living fuck out of me, "Ify, Ify, Ify, ouuuuuuhuuuchi! Ifyyyy naaaaaa! Don't you know your teeth is painful?" She smirks.
She squints, "I know!" She does it in such a demure way that one couldn't help but love how awfully delightful it was, delightfully painful too. No saliva, no force... just demure!
"So Sam, Samantha, Anthabelle, I can call you Sam abi or do you have a native name?" She raises her brows at me and replies.
"Oluebube," she says with a smile, "You nkọ?"
"Oluebube, Ebube, pretty name for a pretty girl, nice, I'm Ngozichi Nkolika but you can call me whatever you want to call me," She looks at Ifeoma who looks back at her.
"Ify, why did they give SP to who used to do anyhow?" Ifeoma laughs.
"Oh chị m, Samantha, you'll not kill me o, she's not the SP, the SP is that one in the front pretending as if she's the only one that knows book in the world," We look towards Nkoli casually gisting with two of her friends, "This werey by our side is Nkoli your deputy class, CLASSI, class president, that's Nkoli SP, the senior prefect, Ogheneruno, our supreme leader, this Nkoli abi Ngozi by our side is Ngozi dustbin prefect!" Ebube laughs and I look to Ifeoma eyeing her.
"Ifeoma what's the meaning of that one?" I query.
"Ifeoma see you have vex her now, you know you have bad mouth, after you will say that I have bad mouth," She turns to me,"Nné don't mind Precious you hear? She's just being stupid!"
"Ehen? Samantha, me? Foolish abi ịsị nó stupid?" She squints her eyes abit, "Noooo prooobleeem," she arises abruptly, "Excuse me!" She shoves her off as she makes to leave.
"Ah ah, Ifeoma sorry na? Precious, my love, sorry na?" She makes to scale over us but she remembers she's on a skirt. "Ohhhh, this stupid gown sef abi na skirt..." She looks around, not seeing what to do, she pinches on Ebube's nose and proceeds to bite on her hard, right on the chest.
"Ifeoma! Ifeoma! Ifeoma! Sorry na?" As she releases, Ebube's skin is pure red, it seems the mark left by Ify is indelible, no saliva , all red, Ebube cries out mildly and kiddishly, "I'll tell momsie for you, see you have left this mark on me na... Precious, don't you know your teeth is painful?"
Ifeoma sticks her tongue out at her and replies, "mmééééh oh? go and tell mummy, my own or your own self, mméh! Shey you miss this style? This style you used to love," She says with a wink as Sam chuckles amidst the pain, "Next time you'll not insult me again in your life hope you're hearing me? Or maybe I'll know if I'll change style," Ebube laughs and nodding her head still in pain and few tear droppings, replies.
"Yes mummy," Ifeoma then proceeds to pinch her.
"Who's your mummy?"
"You're my mummy na!" Ebube replies wincing in playful pain.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes ma, yes mummy, I go lie for you again?" She replies and we laugh.
"Ọ́ mmụ kà ịná sụlụ pidgin?" Ifeoma asks again, Is it me that you're speaking pidgin for?"
"Yes ma... No ma, I mean sorry ma!" After a final pinch, she lets go. I laugh all the way, I turn to Ebube.
"Ebube?"
"Please call me Samantha," she says to me.
"Hell no girl, I'm an Ìgbo enthusiast, a cultural enthusiast, you're Ìgbo, you're cultural, and I'm gonna call you Ebube as it pleases me," I reply arising.
She rolls her eyes, "That one concern you abeg," she turns to Ifeoma and laughs to which Ify chuckles.
"Thank you!" She rolls her eyes again and I grab her face and peck her cheeks as she smiles... I open my eyes and see both of them still gisting, laughing and smiling, Ifeoma pinches her again and I arise and leave.
Esther returns as the teacher enters and by the time we all rearrange, dispersing to our seats and various classes, the lectures begin in earnest.