I am Chinese, not very good at English, and my novels are basically machine-translated from my own Chinese writing.
If any readers point out the unreasonable aspects of machine translation and work together to improve this novel, the author would be deeply grateful
This book features a hilarious and absurd style, coupled with cultural differences, so some jokes might not land with English readers
Not sure if it's any good, but this rookie author hopes for the generous understanding of all dear readers.
"Young man, tell me, what is the most satisfying thing in your life so far?"
"My name"
The young man opened his dim eyes, full of confusion. Wasn't he just a Taoist priest who died from his rifle barrel exploding due to overheating from friction during his daily battles with inner demons?
The goddess before him sat high upon her throne, her sky-blue eyes like a clear sea, asking for his name in a casual tone.
However, the two large mounds on her chest were truly wicked, making one want to ask if they were still hiring for the job of supporting them from the side.
As a gloomy creature who loved anime, the young man quickly realized that he was about to be reincarnated into another world.
"So what is your name?"
"Chinese name is Sao Nian, English name is Dick."
The goddess strangely glanced down at his lower area, clearly having never seen such a gun barrel before.
"Young man, please be serious." The goddess huffily withdrew her gaze, feeling that just looking at him made her sense he was a very hard man.
"My name really is Dick."
"Do you think I'm stupid? How could anyone possibly be named Dick?"
The goddess slammed her throne hard and angrily demanded.
"Do you think I'm all chest and no brains, a fool?"
"No," the young man quickly shook his head, then had a sudden inspiration and said
"I think you have both broad mind and chest."
"...." The goddess with shallow knowledge searched on Baidu and found that Dick was indeed a real name.
"Then you must be a very tough man," she commented awkwardly
"Profession?"
"If this outfit doesn't look like a Taoist priest, does it look like a bald monk?"
The young Taoist priest took out his peach wood sword and carefully explained to the goddess.
"A Taoist priest wouldn't wear a mask. Do you think I'm a staff-maker?"
The goddess pointed at the silver-white mask on the Taoist's head and sneered.
"Don't try to deceive a goddess, or I'll send you to hell."
Ever since becoming the goddess of wisdom, Talia has been terrified that her talents are unworthy of her position.
So the naturally suspicious goddess developed persecution delusions, thinking everyone saw her as a fraud.
The Taoist smiled and asked, "Then what do you think I am?"
The goddess looked at the mask on his face with a wise gaze.
"You are Bull Warrior"
"Why?"
"Bull Warrior never takes off his mask"
"....No, I am a Minotaur Warrior."
"Then why don't you take off your mask? Is it because you're too ugly?"
"I'm afraid that once I show my face, I'll be beaten to death by my girlfriend's husband."
Considering that he was already dead, the young man still took off his mask. It must be said.
Out of ten points for looks, he would score over nine.
A figure like flowing water, carrying a sword on his back, majestic as mountains and peaks.
The snow-white mask fell away, revealing disheveled hair that covered his rebellious and sharp brows,
What appeared was
a man who perfectly embodied the saying "youth without swagger is wasted youth."
The goddess Talia's originally stern gaze couldn't help but soften slightly.
After all, beauty is the universal currency of the cosmos, even goddesses care about appearance.
"Young man, did you get hit by a dump truck?"
"No, during my battle with the succubus, I intended to defeat her completely with a single bullet
The result was that friction caused the gun barrel to overheat, leading to a barrel explosion and death."
"You clearly died suddenly while watching the anime Goblin's Nest."
"Dishonest boy, I will send you to hell."
A cold smile curved at the corners of the goddess's moist lips.
"At that time, through that anime, I identified the succubus within myself and engaged in a life-and-death battle with her."
Is that so? Even now, do you still want to continue deceiving me? Do you really think I'm an idiot?
"Dying suddenly while watching anime is just dying suddenly while watching anime. I didn't see any succubus fighting with you."
"The succubus is in my heart."
The goddess Talia, pure as a blank sheet of paper, understood nothing, but what she hated most was being deceived by others.
The goddess Talia began to stare wide-eyed at the flamboyant Taoist priest before her, who was gazing upward at a 45-degree angle.
After careful observation, the young man before her was undoubtedly a complete show-off.
Just as the goddess was fiercely "caring" for the young man with her "caring-for-show-offs" gaze
He found the young man returning the same gaze to him.
The goddess was instantly stunned. The young man before her was not only dishonest but also not clever, refusing to repent even when death was imminent.
Did he want to take a lava bath in hell's VIP suite?
She decided to read the young man's memories to see what excuses he could possibly make now.
Thus, the goddess's mind was crushed by the youth's memories filled with obscene garbage.
She lost her long-held purity, and Thalia finally understood.
What the horny youth had done.
"You, with both hands forcefully showing off, the friction was too fast, causing high temperature inside your dick, and it ultimately exploded."
Dick nodded slightly, suddenly discovering a blind spot
"Goddess, how do you know in such detail? Were you watching me at the time?"
"I... I... I just read your memories."
Talia was stunned. If given the choice again, she would never have read his memories.
She wished she could dig out a three-bedroom apartment with her toes and live in it for the rest of her life, never having to come out again.
Then she wouldn't have to honestly answer the young man's question.
"So you can see my bedroom skills are pretty impressive, right?"
The goddess was reminiscing about something, and a peach-colored blush appeared on her face that was so tender it seemed like water could be squeezed from it.
Dick stopped teasing her and said, "Isn't it amazing that I can lie in bed all day scrolling through my phone without getting tired?"
"So that's what you meant by bedroom skills."
After being dazed for a while, Talia came back to her senses. Was he just playing with me? Did he think I was an idiot?
I'm the goddess of wisdom, and he treated me like a fool.
After regaining her usual composed and sacred appearance,
She glared fiercely at the smug Taoist.
"Do you want to go to hell?"
Yet her sky-blue eyes were misty with moisture, and a blush still lingered on her face.
Obviously, this glance carried no aggression whatsoever,
Rather, it was like a delicate and petite little loli facing a six-foot-tall, toe-picking brute getting too close, helplessly throwing out a fierce glare.
"Please spare me, goddess."
"Even if you licked my toes, I wouldn't spare you. Accept your fate, small fry."
The goddess snapped her fingers, assuming a pose as if about to unleash a devastating finishing move.
At this moment, she, Thalia, had finally regained the feeling of being a goddess through Dick.
The good times didn't last long, as she was soon forced to retreat step by step under Dick's frenzied attacks, like a mad dog tearing at her.
"No way, you're actually planning to lick? But I already told you, even if you lick my toes, I won't let you off."
"Damn it, where exactly are you licking?"
Dick made muffled sounds, still not forgetting his actions. "Who told you to say you wouldn't spare me even if I licked your toes?"
"Stop licking, I'll spare you then."
Only then did Dick withdraw his tongue. The taste of the water goddess—hmm, it was salty, the taste of the sea.
"Did you think that when I said I'd let you go, I would completely let you go? Hmph, how naive."
Dick finally understood that Talia's outward appearance of tolerance couldn't hide her inner pettiness.
Talia asked with a fierce expression
"Tell me, who do you think is smarter - me or that succubus in your heart?"
You'd better not lie, otherwise, hmph ╯^╰, I'll send you to bathe in lava."
"Of course it's the goddess, without a doubt."
Compared to the succubus lady, the targeted goddess is definitely wiser.
The great wisdom of willingly sacrificing oneself for humanity.
"When it comes to the female protagonist's personality, it should ideally be a mature and intellectual woman who deeply loves her husband and has a spirit of self-sacrifice, right?"
Talia asked with a dark expression on her face.
"Yes, yes, yes."
"Ah, you perverted Taoist. A small fry who watches fruit and vegetable videos at the Taoist temple all day long."
With her mind-reading ability, Thalia knew the young man was telling the truth.
He was inwardly praising himself for being smarter than a succubus, and as the goddess of wisdom, her anger subsided somewhat.
Suddenly, she thought of a wonderful way to torment the young man while enjoying some entertainment.
Thanks to the young man's memory transmission technique, she was able to reach the same level of "must format the phone before death" as the young man in just a few seconds.
"Go and atone for your sins, I can give you another chance."
"I also watched this anime ゴブリンの巣穴 in your memory,
and saw Miss Liness's tragic fate."
The goddess snapped her fingers,
A phantom of a two-dimensional beautiful girl appeared before the young man - one who deeply loved her husband, possessed a spirit of devotion, and was mature and intellectual.
However, the bad news was that she had a pair of curved horns like a sheep, resembling a succubus.
The good news was that she resembled a succubus.
"Miss Linis, because the child fell into the hands of goblins, she had to put down her magic wand and endured a humiliating fate."
"First, you must rescue your mother from the goblins.
"Second, with your demon bloodline, you must gain others' recognition and become a hero."
Dick listened to the goddess's demands, unable to stop himself from complaining inwardly.
This difficulty was like baby Naruto starting with the Nine-Tails sealed, trying to save Kushina,
What's the difference between directly defeating Kaguya, becoming Hokage, and reaching the pinnacle of life?
"What, do you have a problem with that?"
"No, no, no,"
Dick looked at her chest, unable to see his own feet when looking down, and said with sincere admiration
"My Lady Goddess, you truly have such a generous heart."
Of course, in a physical sense.
"O brave hero from another world, when you successfully defeat the resurrected Demon King, I shall personally guide you back to heaven."
The goddess began chanting magic, preparing for the teleportation.
"Um, I still want to ask, why do I have to go defeat the Demon King?"
The young man weakly raised his hand,
He felt this was no different from Talia inexplicably calling him to someone else's house to slap someone.
The pentagram array beneath his feet also went haywire along with the goddess, flashing intensely.
"Isn't that usually how it's written in novels?"
The goddess flipped through her work manual and puffed out her chest with a serious expression,
The big-breasted, brainless goddess spoke as if having big breasts made her righteous
"What good could the Demon King possibly be? He's the root of all evil after all"
"You just need to catch the Demon King off guard when he knows nothing, shouting about friendship, passion, bonds, and rush up to give him a punch to the sinuses
That's all it takes."
The young man asked with a troubled expression
"Can I avoid becoming a weak baby?"
"Right, if we're talking about punishment, wouldn't it be better for you to become an ugly and lowly goblin?"
The young man's eyes flashed with light, and he quickly nodded like a pecking chicken.
"Yes, goblins are pretty good too."
"Hehehe, you perverted fool with your mind full of filth,
You're thinking that if you could become a goblin, you'd be able to defile the saint anytime, anywhere, right?
"How could that be? I just want to atone for my sins."
"Your denial proves it's true."
Taliya's face was flushed red, occasionally grinding her teeth with sounds mixed with small beast-like murmurs.
"Do you know why I understand you? Because that's all I can think about right now."
"You pervert, reading your memories feels like being brutally raped in the soul."
"It's not like being a baby would work. I could have you reincarnated as an incompetent husband,
a bullied younger brother, a friend of a tough senior, or a wife whose neighbor is a blonde delinquent."
"Which one do you want to choose?"
"I don't want either this one or that one...."
"If you haven't decided yet, I'll let you experience both, just like experiencing the fire poker and that stick at the same time.
I'll definitely make sure you enjoy it thoroughly."
The young man shuddered, feeling such terrifying killing intent for the first time,
The goddess's materialized killing intent was like an ice pick poised menacingly behind his rear.
"I think I'd better go save Miss Linis instead."
"Very well, you shall be reincarnated into another world."
"But reincarnation has a 5% chance of causing dementia, which would wash your brain into that of an idiot."
"What, wait, there's a 5% chance of causing dementia."
The young man looked at the goddess's upturned mouth corners, and he swore this was absolutely intentional revenge.
A crisp whooshing sound
The teleportation array beneath their feet activated.
Immediately after, everything went dark before their eyes.