[SYSTEM STATUS: Reboot in Progress...]Please enjoy your complimentary trauma during loading.
Waking up? Yeah, it sucked. Big time.
One moment I was in peaceful unconscious limbo, the next — WHAM! Something body-slammed me like a drunken sumo wrestler. My whole body screamed "NOPE!" and, for the first time in this new life, I did what any true badass would do: I cried like a bitch. A loud, messy, undignified newborn sob-fest.
Almost immediately, someone swaddled me like a cheap burrito and dumped me somewhere soft. Neat. 10/10 parenting.
Tried opening my eyes. Fourth try — success!Vision? Blurry as hell.Hearing? Sounded like a bootleg ASMR stream running through a meat grinder. Zero translation.
Diagnosis: I was a baby.A goddamn, freshly popped out, floppy-limbed infant.
FML.
Initial joy of being alive again? Crushed under the psychological weight of realizing I'm now stuck in a diaper with no access to pizza or porn.
Then it got worse.
Something with black-and-red polka dots picked me up and started jiggling me like I was a maraca in a demon rave. It was loud. Very loud. Chaos incarnate.
Retrospect says it was Tobi. Yup. The Akatsuki freak.Apparently he decided to test my durability by using me as a makeshift soccer ball.10/10 babysitting. Would not recommend.
I blacked out again.
Next reboot:Vision upgraded from "drunken jellyfish" to "stoned chameleon". Still pixelated AF, but at least the blobs now resembled humanoids.
Bloody red hair. Soft voice. Kushina.Blond dude standing beside her, likely blinking in Morse code. Minato.Behind them — a mountain of furry rage. Guess who?
Yup. Kyūbi.
Then everything escalated.
Minato said something.The red Godzilla roared something obscene and made a beeline for my gut.Next thing I know, there's a fox in my liver, fire in my veins, and a screaming chill like someone stabbed me with an icicle on fire.
Blackout #2 achieved. Combo multiplier active.
[SYSTEM ONLINE]Welcome, Player. You have selected: "Naruto: Baby Nightmare Mode."
Activate system setup?Install basic skills?
☑ YES☑ OF COURSE YES☑ F*CKING DO IT
My ghost-finger jammed that button with the fury of a gamer who hasn't saved in 6 hours.
Installing basic modules...1%...16%...39%...68%...89%...99%...100% — INSTALLATION COMPLETE
[CONGRATS!]You are the first dumbass brave soul to activate T-3000 Edition of the Gamer System.Bonus Unlocked: Upgraded starter abilities.
[Passive Skill Gained: Gamer's Body+]— HP-based survival.— You won't die unless your HP hits zero.— Even if someone decapitates you, you'll survive with 1 HP.
⚠️ WARNING: Minimum damage = 1 HP. Beware mosquitoes. No, seriously.
[Passive Skill Gained: Gamer's Mind+]— Immune to fear, stress, mind control, and general whiny bullshit.— Thinks logically. Deals cynically.
Side Effect: Your inner "mental bugs" have mutated into xenomorphs.Status: Colonizing subconscious sector near Fox Jail Cell.
Kyūbi Status Update:✔ Fondly remembers Kushina's chakra condo.✘ Not enjoying the upgrade to haunted gamer hell.☠ Currently cursing everyone involved in his redeployment.
[SYSTEM NOTICE]Calibration in progress...Time remaining: 3 years, 364 days, 11 hours, 6 minutes
We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience. Please enjoy your underpowered childhood.
Four. Years. Of cooldown.
What kind of early access bullshit is this?!
No quests. No skills. Just diapers, drool, and death glares from everyone in Konoha.
Deep breaths. Gamer's Mind kicking in.
Reality check:• I'm OP, but nerfed for toddler balance.• Kyūbi hates me.• My subconscious is a warzone.• I can survive decapitation but not forehead collisions with the floor.• Oh, and apparently mosquitoes are a legitimate threat to my continued existence.
Nice.
Some time later, ANBU showed up to poke around.Hiruzen "Monkey Grandpa" Sarutobi included.I was surrounded by edgy dudes in animal masks, all too busy analyzing the seal to notice the actual baby lying half-naked in the dirt. Classic shinobi priorities.
Then the old monkey started staring at me funny. Maybe because I wasn't acting like a newborn — I was too busy calculating his IQ and questioning his moral compass.
Had to improvise. I let the Gamer's Mind take a coffee break and cranked up the infant chaos.Screamed. Wiggled. Activated Cry Mode.
Success. Suspicions avoided.Med-nin called.I got to watch some cool green glowing hand magic before passing out again. Neat.
Meanwhile... in the Shadow Douchebag Department:Danzo's Secret Basement of Edgelordy Bullshit
Mission report:— Attempted mental probe into my psyche: FAILED.— Casualties: 3 mind-readers dead, 1 certified insane.
System: 1Root Division: 0
Try harder next time, you blindfolded fossil.
Back to me.
Konoha politics happened. Kage meetings. People shouting. Clan drama.Danzo tried to yoink me into his Cult of Emotionally Stunted Orphans™ — denied.
Decision made:— No one adopts me.— Nobody interacts with me.— Everyone pretends I don't exist.
Current status:Lone Demon Baby™Location: Hospital → OrphanageRemaining Cooldown: ~4 hours
Hospital was literal hell.
No mobility. No distractions. 24/7 crying soundtrack.Nurses ignored me. Diaper changes delayed. Feeding? Twice a day if I was lucky.Apparently, if you've got a tailed beast shoved in your stomach, you lose the right to basic hygiene.
Fun fact:A clean butt becomes a rare, sacred luxury.
Gamer's Mind saved me from going completely mental.But vengeance was brewing. Slowly. Patiently. With spreadsheets.
Yes, I did start fucking with the ANBU.You would too after hearing:
"Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha!" echoing from the crib at 3 AM.Followed by: "Ku-ku-ku-ku..." in full Orochimaru impression.
Fear stat: +100Paranoia debuff: AppliedMental damage: Critical
Also, once made a nurse faint by giving her the Gin Ichimaru™ Smile of Doom and drawing a line across my neck while silently promising karmic vengeance.
She screamed, collapsed. ANBU stormed in. I played dumb.Didn't work. Still worth it.
Even the orphanage wasn't better.
Kids hated me. Adults hated me more.
I fought back. Literally.Broke noses. Knocked out teeth.Rebuilt mutual respect via beatings.
Healing overnight = secret OP passive.Probably thanks to either Kyūbi or the Gamer System. Who cares. It worked.
And the mosquitoes.
System wasn't joking. Those bloodsucking bastards nearly ended me on several occasions.Hospital had bug seals. Orphanage? Not so much.Had to spend nights hunting and squashing the little assholes before they could death-by-1HP me.
Eventually, they kicked me out.
"Get lost, demon brat!"Boot-to-butt.exe launched successfully.
I didn't argue. I had bigger plans.
Like finally activating the damn system and grinding some actual skills.No dramatic fight on the way home. Just pulled my hood low and avoided eye contact.Konoha civilians had the IQ of boiled rice — stealth success rate 100%.
Home sweet hellhole.
Cracked door. Crappier lock.Cobweb-covered furniture from the Warring States era.
But hey — I had a window with a view. That's... something?
I cleaned. I waited.The System reboot timer ticked down to 40 minutes.
I flopped onto the mattress, dreaming of power, revenge, and a future harem.
Then I passed out.