My eyes opened, it was dark—very dark. Is this how it feels being blind? I rolled my body over to my bedside—checking my phone, the light nearly burned my eyes as I had to shut them—squinting, and blinking the burn to adapt. 5:03, it showed. I woke up very early today. Yet, there was no exhaustion seeping in to lure my consciousness to return and rest.
The memories of Calix's challenge rang in my head, and I stood up from my bed—stretching my limbs, before heading to the bathroom. The paste coated the bristles of my toothbrush, and I stuck it inside my mouth as I held the handle tightly, exerting force to thoroughly cleanse my teeth, tongue—and every other element in my mouth. After a few minutes, the mint of the paste spiced my eyes, and I gave myself relief by watering my mouth to clear off all the foam and remaining paste.
Afterwards, I remained frozen—contemplating. If I showered, it would be cold. Very cold. Unbearably cold. Excruciating col—okay, stop. But otherwise, dirt would inhabit my skin—which I loathed greatly. Additionally, I'd be unprepared for the temperature outside. That's bad. Stepping into a battlefield without any experience—I could die. I sighed as I grabbed my towel and stepped inside the tub, mentally preparing myself before turning the switch on, and my body shuddered as the cold explicitly penetrated my skin.
I stepped out of the tub, my feet tiptoeing as my body shook greatly, shivering. I couldn't bear to take my towel off my body as I clutched onto it as though holding onto dear life, incapable of unwrapping it to dry myself. I stayed for a minute or two, before I unwrapped it, the warmth trading with the cold as my body overcame its shock.
I began dressing myself as my body adjusts itself to the changing temperatures. I wore twice as much the usual layers beneath as I settled with a white, long, wool coat—matched with gray pants. I wore leg warmers underneath, before slipping my feet inside my winter boots. I wore a thick, gray scarf, and stuck my ear buds in before my ear muffles and wore my gloves. I placed my belongings in my graphite micro bag before heading out at precisely 6.20.
It felt very warm inside the building, yet once I stepped foot outside—I could still feel the penetration of the breeze. It was indeed, much, much colder. My face felt numb within a few seconds of nature's exposure. Still, my steps continued. I hum to the song in my ears as I embrace the quiet, peace, and cold I'm allowed to have all to myself. At least for the moment. There was not a single being. Only myself, I alone. I like this. I could dance in the middle of the street, without a single care or bother. I could lay down, sleep, die—if I wished to. I could sing, scream, cry—whatever I wanted.
I felt free—one, with the wind.
Just like this, sometimes—I wished life felt a little bit more comforting.
More liberating. More like home.
My eyes flickered upwards until my head tilted backwards to its limit as I scanned the Pristine university building. Then, I tread my way inside, the silence and the calm engulfing me whole. My steps brought me upstairs as the library area stood before me. Unchanged. Mysterious. Quiet. Knowledgeable. I stepped a foot inside, and made my way through the entire area, until I reached the last corner.
Peripherally, I spotted a shadow.
A figure.
I approached carefully—cautiously. Though, as our distance closed, and our proximity neared, I recognized the man. Calix. He seemed oblivious to my presence as I stood behind him—stunned. My eyes scrutinized his artwork, assimilating everything. The urge to consume the sight before me was intolerable. I was always involved in art, though visual art never was part of my forte. It was too abstract.
Too visual. Too seen. Too blinding.
But even blind—I could hear the words.
His words.
A visual literature.
It's breathtaking.
"That's beautiful." The words slipped out of me, unleashed. His head perked up knowingly.
He wasn't oblivious—he knew.
"Thank you." He smiled sincerely, nodding his head towards the chair beside, urging me to sit.
I complied. A tiny fraction of light seeped through, spotlighting an area of his face, which he paid no mind. He stared at me, grinning joyously.
"You actually did it," he implied, a congratulatory glint in his eyes.
"Yeah. You were right, it was a morning freezer." I silently laughed, a reaction he returned.
"You're early. When did you arrive?"
"At five. I woke up earlier today. "
I reacted in surprise, my face morphing to his words. He shrugged, grinning.
My eyes glanced down on his artwork, which he traced quickly.
"This is the artwork I was doing yesterday. I just completed it a few minutes ago." He smiled sheepishly, his cheeks tinted a soft hint of red.
"That woman.." I trailed off hesitantly.
"Yes, the most beautiful woman in my life."
His eyes penetrated mine as he spoke, and I wished my mind wasn't so hopeful for the signs my heart deciphered.
Yet, I couldn't stand being on the cliff's edge.
Either I jump and fall, or step back and retrieve myself from death. I swallowed my fear and hesitance.
"Who.."
I took the leap, falling.
"You."
A hand—his, caught mine. I was retrieved from the fall.
His eyes searched my heart through mine, and I hated that I knew all too well the beaming truth saturating his eyes.
"I-"
Speechless.
The melody of my feelings swayed and danced through my veins, yet I dare not name them. It flowed, and I gazed upon him as he does to me, the silence speaking between us.
It was simply he, I, and the moment we shared.
"It's for you."
His gaze softened as he spoke, drifting to his artwork which he passed unto me. My eyes lingered upon the indescribable art that touched my heart deeply.
I swallowed thickly, I can't have this.
"I can't, I don't.." I couldn't complete my sentence.
I don't like you like that. I don't feel the same way.
No, it doesn't sound right.
My heart vibrated and wailed as a pang shot and I felt my throat tightened—yet I locked my mouth shut. I shook my head, pushing the piece of paper back at the owner, struggling to find the words of reasoning to convey my rejection. Yet, his hand covered mine, lying atop of it gently—warmly.
"Please, accept it. It's a small gift of my feelings. Don't deny its truth. All I ask is an acknowledgement—so please, Aslynne."
My guilt pricked my eyes, and I felt my lips trembling. I refused to relent. I swallowed the tears and the cry.
He noticed.
"It's okay, we're still friends, right?"
His hand on mine held so much weight, which'd spread unto my heart.
With a deep breath, I accepted his gift. Though I convinced myself I needed this protected and caved relationship—filled with many and heavy boundaries, I wasn't very sure of that now. It was such a great temptation, I wanted to give in—I really do, but I shouldn't… Right?
"Thank you." I retrieved my hand.
The remaining warmth was immediately devoured by the cold spreading to my heart.
He smiled, a sad one. I couldn't muster the courage to bring it up, not when I know I'm the reason. The least I could do was leave it up to the silence to consume the tension and all the unspoken emotions lingering in the air, and start anew.
"You like spring?" I finally mentioned.
His art, I noticed—always seemed to include many, various floral plants and floral settings. It became a common pattern I see. The library was beginning to fill up with presence, growing warmer by each second. My coat and scarf were off, on the table. Calix halted his art as soon as he heard my voice.
"Yes." He lightly chuckled, a short silence erupted—before responding simply.
"Can I assume that's your favorite season of all?"
"Mm, you can." He continued with his art. His skilled hand sketching the beautiful details of the flowers.
My curiosity bloomed, "why?" I inquired. Boredom played a huge part, too—but I hoped I didn't come off as nosy.
He looked up from his art, his gaze boring weight into mine as he smiled gently, "it's the prettiest."
His eyes held silent words I could hear echoing in my heart. Yet, I simply hummed and broke contact, unable to tolerate the intensity of his stare.
The rest of our time in the library, we spent in a comfortable silence. Eventually, it was time for class. I had math class. As I walked, Calix seemed to tread the same corners and turns, as we both entered our designated classrooms, and I finally realized we had the same math class. I took my usual seat, corner-back. Calix took one beside me.
I began to rack my memories as I felt incredibly affirmative towards the fact that he had not been here. Before our first encounter, he was never a classmate of mine. I was fixated on that—if he was, I would've noticed.
I would've seen him.
"Have you always been in this math class? Like, us—together?"
He grinned, and I have absolutely no idea what his reaction is supposed to mean. I waited for his words.
"You figured it out. Yeah, I wasn't. My previous teacher had some.. issues, so most of the people in our class got transferred here. Look around, doesn't it feel more crowded here?"
I looked around, heeding to his words and while I had noticed the unusual lack of space in this room since I'd entered, only now did I notice there were a variety of unfamiliar and unrecognizable identities, which shouldn't have been. My classes were often adjusted. If there were a good number of students, the room would be larger—more spacious, and it wouldn't feel as cramped as it does now. If there were fewer amounts, the room would have adequate space.
"Since when?" I questioned, though I mumbled—mainly directing the question to my mind instead of speaking to Calix.
"Just about yesterday." He answered, turning his head and slipping his phone underneath his table—in his drawer as I followed his movements, shifting my attention towards the teacher.
"Good morning everyone—"
I blinked, then my consciousness washed away within the steady wave of the air conditioner.
I felt a light, gentle stroke of my head. I nearly nuzzled my head against it, yet it was gone as soon as it appeared. I groaned, blinking the blur off my eyes to see clearly. I looked around, the class was void of presence. Then I looked ahead, Calix was watching me with a soft smile, he nodded his head towards the door. I glanced at the clock, it was break time. Suddenly, I heard a soft crisp sound as I looked at the source—my hand. I noticed the familiar mint candy in my hand, easily tracing the culprit back to Calix, who was simply grinning at me as he always does. I packed my stuff as I followed his trail outside, towards the cafeteria.
He held my hand, and I didn't retrieve it. I permitted him to drag me around, though he had a soft grip on me, as if saying, "you can leave whenever you want to," and I wished he didn't. He bought lots of bread, while munching on his own food. I stared at him silently as I noticed he wasn't touching any of the bread he'd bought.
"Are you gonna eat that..?"
I looked down at the bread. He tailed my gaze before shaking his head, slightly confused.
Now, I'm confused.
"It's for you." He finally answered, once he'd completely swallowed his food.
I looked at him as though he had just told me he didn't shower for an entire year. Then I looked at the bread scattered over our table as if it was a collection of roaches.
"There's.. ten breads. You're not saying this is all for me?"
His nose twitched, and he blinked a few times. He glanced around awkwardly as his hand reached behind and scratched his nape.
I facepalmed. I'm beginning to think he sees me, not as a person, but as a pig. Though, I do appreciate it. I do love bread, it's a delicacy I could never bore myself of. But.. 10 breads?
I decided to be honest with my words.
"You think I'm a pig.. or something?"
I looked at him ridiculously. He tensed, before bursting into laughter as he covered his face with his hands to try to reduce how much laughter he was supplying.
"No, no. I just, I told you it was my treat, but you didn't say anything and I know you love bread, so I just thought.. buy all of them?.."
I deadpanned at him, who was still giggling in between laughter. I took a deep breath as I grabbed one of them, unwrapped the plastic wrapping and began munching on the bread to calm my nerves.
"So you're just rich, then."
I concluded at him, who began to supply laughter and happiness as though earlier supplements were not enough.
"No, no, it's not even that expensive. Just.. consider it a good deed I do for you, okay?" he says, laughing slightly as he spoke as though he expected me to make another ridiculous remark of his actions.
I was about to, but I simply opted to pinching the bridge of my nose and laughing silently at the amount of bread I have to publicly, mortifyingly carry back upstairs.
"Okay, how much do I owe you?" I gave in, sighing. Yet, I decided I should return his money.
He seemed taken aback at my question.
"It's fine, it was my own initiative to treat you, Aslynne."
I frowned, my lips melting downwards.
"Let me do this for you, please?" his tone softened.
His arm reached out as he tucked a strand of hair beneath my ear within his word of plea.
His eyes never leave mine, and a small grin curved on his face—a subtle expression of admiration. My breath hitched, and I was speechless for too long before I could retort against his refusal.
For a moment, we continued the silence. However, our interaction stayed.
While I masticated the bread in my hands, he stared at me. There was a hint of something indescribable in his eyes that I couldn't ignore, it made me feel shy. I wanted to waver under his gaze—I nearly wavered. However, I simply smiled and tilted my head at him, quirking an eyebrow—
"What?" I inquired, daring him with my eyes.
He shook his head, chuckling softly as he placed his chin atop of his palm, leaning closer—an impassioned interaction between our eyes.
I felt a soft pull, and shortly realized his index finger was twirling my hair, intertwining them together.
"Pretty," he whispered.
His eyes explicitly scanned over me in admiration, and my heart fluttered.
I gritted my teeth, looking away from him. I took a deep breath, trying to regain a sense of equilibrium within me.
My nostrils flared as I exhaled harshly, reaching over as I grasped another wrap of a bread, before unwrapping the plastic and chomping on it, centering my attention towards the flavor of the food coating my taste buds instead.
"Anyway, what issues did your teacher have?"
Once tranquility seeped in, I shifted the topic and cleared off the tensions floating in the air.
"That was random—"
He blinked, his eyes widening as he slightly laughed at the sudden change out of the blue.
"But, my previous math teacher?"
He asked for verification, which I gave with a small nod of my head as I leaned close—noting his hesitance.
"Well.. don't spread this around, but I heard he slept with one of the students here."
He leaned close as he whispered in a hushed tone, the soft touches of his breath caressing my cheek with each word. My eyes and mouth synchronized as they both simultaneously widened agape once my brain comprehension completed its process towards the information it had just received.
"Damn, was it forced? Or both of them agreed on it?.." I inquired curiously, our faces staying at a close proximity.
"I heard they both agreed, but the student's parents were pressing charges towards the teacher."
"Oh.. Do you know who it was?"
"Yeah, I couldn't believe it when I first heard. You wouldn't either, I bet."
His words piqued my curiosity further as he grabbed ahold of my nape, closing our distance further as his breath stroked my ear softly.
"It's Melina."
I audibly gasped, yet I wasn't sure if it was from his answer, or from the tiny shift of his fingers on my nape, brushing against my sensitive skin. Perhaps both.
Melina was very famously known within the school to be one similar to a 'perfect student', she was kind, smart, beautiful, and pure. She was rather known for constantly rejecting confessions of men, with the same excuse all along, "I want to concentrate on my studies and I'm not ready for romance in my life yet" —always. Moreover, she was very adamant with her reasoning, and she did prove it. Her scores were always perfect and rarely near-perfect. It made her excuse of refusal very believable and trustworthy to many people.
"What?! That Melina?" I glanced at the side, my firm gaze instructing his to follow mine.
He did, and he turned his head to me abruptly as he nodded quite vigorously. Like us, everyone else was halting their movements as they silently observed the movements of Melina, who'd appeared out of nowhere in the cafeteria. I observed my surroundings, watching how rapid rumors and gossip spread.
"When was this case leaked out?" I mumbled, gambling between Calix being able to hear my voice and returning his attention to me, or unable to hear my voice, and continuing his gaze fixation on the spotlighted 'main character' at the moment.
It was the first.
"I'm not sure, but it was heavily talked about yesterday, noon. That was how I found out, too." He muttered softly as his head turned back to me. I nodded silently in response as I thought of the case in hand.
I took another glance at the said 'main character' as she looked rather timorous for simply walking through. She left quickly, and people returned to mind their own businesses, though I'd guess they were probably only further chattering in regards to Melina's case.
Ha, the irony. I smiled to myself.
"I feel bad for her, imagine the embarrassment."
He grimaced, an expression of sympathy painting his face. I nodded silently, though I thought that was simply the consequences of her own fault. Had she kept her relationship hidden better, nobody would've known and she would have lived peacefully, or at least wouldn't be bothered with this particular issue. Yet, that's within my perspective as a 3rd person who actually hasn't any idea the true truth, or her side of the story at all, so I shouldn't judge. I reminded myself.
"Candy for your thoughts?"
He grinned, the same mint candy on his opened palm as he gazed at me with a glint of intrigue. I huffed a small laugh as I accepted his candy for a transaction.
"I was just thinking about.. y'know, Melina and her case."
I sold, and he listened attentively with a quiet, "go on," which brought weight to my heart for some reason.
Guilty.
"Well.. nevermind. I was just being judgemental. I shouldn't.."
I felt my heart squeeze as I could suddenly feel the unpleasant air blowing against my skin, and the uncomfort of Calix's eyes on me. I didn't want to be, and I didn't want to be seen.
"You accepted my candy, so you should.. tell me nonetheless? It's okay, everyone judges occasionally, and you don't even need to talk about that, really.. I just want to hear you.."
He seemed to notice my unease as his eyes left me, and I inaudibly sighed in a small relief.
"So talk to me, Aslynne."
Still, his acknowledgement of my presence never left as he took a hold of my fiddling hands and twiddled with my shaped nails.
"I don't know what to say, um.. actually, where did you buy these breads? I don't think I've bought these kinds before and.. they taste really good. I appreciate it a lot."
I smiled shyly as I recalled my previous remark, feeling slightly embarrassed for the contradictory of my negative-to-positive reaction shift.
He chuckled softly, "my pleasure. I got it from that shop over there actually." His touch stayed intertwined with mine as he turned his head towards the direction of the shop he referred to.
"Oh.. huh?! Wait, I never knew they sold bread?.. Well, good to know! Thank you, Calix." I smiled widely at him, who returned it sincerely as he returned his gaze on me.
I glanced at the clock as I noticed the bustling in the cafeteria was significantly decreasing within a short period of time, and as I thought, it was time to return. Calix, who followed my gaze, stood up as we both made our way out of the cafeteria and towards our respective classes. I waved my hand in farewell, yet received no reply to my gesture.
He stayed unmoving until I felt a light pat on my head, before seeing Calix retract his hand from my head, and leaving with a smile.
I swallowed, as I turned around and began to head towards my class as well, yet I felt myself yearning for his touch. It was gentle, and addictive.
My heart raced, chasing another.
One I recognized, yet couldn't admit.