"Let's summarise everything you've told me," I said to Johnny Blaze, pouring Asgardian ale from my supplies as I sat on the bench where we had first met.
The area around us was already cordoned off, but in such a way that we didn't even notice. The number of civilians had decreased dramatically, replaced by S.H.I.E.L.D. agents.
"You," I said, handing the full glass of alcohol to the driver, "want freedom. Nod." "Zaratus, sensing me, decided to try his luck and thought I could break the chains of my contract with Mephisto." A nod and a sip, Blaze grimaces and exhales from the strength of the drink. "I can do it, but..."
"What do you want in return?"" the stuntman asked bluntly, downing the entire glass under my disapproving gaze.
"Nothing from you, man. You can't give me anything. — I shrugged, lighting a cigarette. "But your hot friend could be the one I try out some techniques on.
"What are you talking about? No matter how I feel about him, I don't want him to suffer any more than he already has." Johnny, being a kind soul, decided to defend his partner a little.
"As you may know, Zaratos is a former angel. He became a spirit of vengeance because of a deal with Mephisto, which turned him into... this. But!" I raise my finger. "This metamorphosis is a kind of curse. I want to remove it. At least try. — I shrugged. — If it works, great, we'll get an angel with a sane mind and no desire to kill every asshole. No, he'll remain what he's been for hundreds of years. It can't get any worse. — I look into the racer's eyes, feeling the angel staring thoughtfully at me from their depths. — So, do you want your wings back? The price is becoming a test subject for one experiment.
Johnny fell silent, thinking over everything I had said, and mentally conversing with the fiery guy. I didn't interfere, feeling the tension of the heroes who were listening to our conversation. Ha-ha, why are they so tense? I'm not going to turn him into some kind of 73rd demonic pillar, although the idea isn't bad.
I felt an otherworldly gaze on me, something like a tracking spell and a fucking charge of hatred directed at me. Could it be Mephisto himself watching us? Oh, maybe he'll drop in on us? I'd like to meet him, outside his dimension, where he is king and god.
"We agree," I exhaled, as if preparing for a jump. "What should we do?"
"Don't move," I pierce his chest with my hand, grabbing Zaratos' soul and pulling it out of the guy, healing Johnny's soul and body of the damage caused by his time as a spirit of vengeance. "That's it, and you were afraid. It doesn't even hurt." I squeeze the angel's soul in my palm.
"And it's strange. When it was put into me, it was excruciatingly painful." The guy shrugged. "And I feel great, did you do that?"
"Yeah," I nod distractedly, examining the soul in my palm, "Healed with the Holy Grail." As soon as I say it, a wave of surprise from the superheroes around me crashes over me. "What's so surprising about that?" "In short, you're free, healthy, and you'll live another hundred years. But remember, you're human, and they're fragile."
"Thanks," Blaze smiled broadly. "Do you mind if I wait until you're done?" he asked, deciding to explain when he saw my raised eyebrow. "He's been with me for so long that I... became friends with him, if you can call it that. I want to pay my respects, I guess." He shrugged. "To see him free himself from his burden."
"As you wish." I turn away and begin the process of cleansing the curse of anger and malice that turned the angel into this thing. "Ugh, they pumped you full of demonic energy," I say, shaking my head. "My dear fellow, this is terrible. But if the patient wants to live..." The infusion of light energy causes him incredible pain, which he can barely tolerate.
Time passed, and for ten minutes I tore demonic shreds from the angelic being, not the most difficult task, but a tedious one. As soon as the last piece came off, I used the Grail to heal his soul and send it to rebirth, keeping my eyes on him so that the cunning demons wouldn't take him back.
"Done," I said, turning to Johnny, who was watching my every move with wide eyes. "What?"
"That was beautiful, all those energy waves, the pulsating light..."
"Well, yeah," I shrugged, "the Biblical artefact can't do it any other way. It's pretentious and tasteful. Although it was different in the war, but there the scale was different." I scratched my chin thoughtfully. "Okay, mate, I'm off. I want a drink and a woman. Where is Lilith when you need her? I mutter under my breath, walking away from the sleek motorcyclist towards the nearest bar, which is already filled with SHIELD agents.
Alcohol won't help, but... I need company! Who else has an immune system like mine? Hmm...
"Thor!" I shout in the middle of the road, "I know you're here, come out and let's drink! Because drinking alone is alcoholism.
Nothing happened for a minute until a god flew out from around the corner.
"Here I am," the blond man nodded.
"Wonderful," I clap my hands. "Let's get acquainted." I hold out a cup of ale, which he takes, albeit cautiously. He sniffs it, nods to himself, and takes a sip.
"Good.
"Of course!" I nodded importantly. "You have no idea what it took me to get these boxes from my brother." I shook my head, and Thor nodded in agreement. "Another one..."
***
"I want to go there too," moaned Stark.
"Tony..." Captain America began, massaging his forehead.
"Tell him you don't want to go yourself," the scientist said, glancing at his friend.
"I do." In the silence that followed, the sound of Black Widow's palm slapping her face was clearly audible.
***
The director of S.H.I.E.L.D. was probably the most tired man in the city. Probably. He had been waiting for a report from their staff magician, Stephen Strange, for days, but he hadn't shown up yet."It couldn't be that simple, no-o-o, something out of the ordinary is bound to happen," the man muttered under his breath as he sorted through reports on other assignments.
And he had a reason to be in a bad mood, because one of the most chaotic and unpredictable entities had disappeared from their sight and reach: Thor and the man who called himself Lucifer were gone. It all started as a normal drinking session, until the Asgardian god, who had had a few too many, suggested they sneak into the cellars of his homeland to find "something stronger, like *ahem* gnome moonshine." To the horror of the heroes who were following them, the devil supported his drinking buddy, and they both disappeared in a multicoloured flash of a rainbow bridge.
Strange followed them, quickly disappearing into the orange arch of the portal to prevent a possible conflict. And now, everyone is waiting for him alone.
"Greetings," said the mage as he entered the office, where he was already expected, and sat down in a chair, indifferently staring at the ceiling.
"Doctor?" Romanov addressed him, "Are you all right? You look... tired.
"Come on. That was sarcasm, but, alas, there was not a hint of emotion in the wizard's voice. "You must have imagined it.
"What's wrong with you?" Stark raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, nothing special," the magician waved his hand in the air. "Just a calming spell. I cast two at once. It works as well as pills, maybe even better, but without the strong side effects."
"I-I-I see," Tony said, raising his other eyebrow. "Was it that bad?"
Strange slowly turned his head towards the billionaire, everyone could literally hear his neck creaking.
"How can I put it, everything was within normal limits... well, for that kind of drinking... probably. The magician shook his head, dismissing unnecessary thoughts. "I was extremely surprised by how it all ended. And dragging two dead drunk bodies out of various messes was a real pain. Annoying." He rubbed his forehead, feeling the spell begin to wear off.
"We need to know what happened. Did it affect other planets?" asked Fury, mentally preparing himself for an invasion of offended aliens.
"Not exactly," the supreme wizard shook his head. "To make a long story short, they ended up in Asgard, where they drank for another day.
"I wish I had a liver like that," whispered Stark, under the mocking, understanding gaze of the captain.
"There, Satan suddenly remembered how it was... 'the local equivalent of the Dark Lands' and asked to be taken there to compare the world of the dead he knew with 'the one you have'. I didn't quite understand everything he said, but in the end they went to Heimdall, who refused to send them to Helheim, blaming their less than adequate condition.
The mage conjured up a glass of water and took a sip, moistening his throat.
"And?" Stark couldn't stand the long pause.
"They decided to take the 'secret paths'. And who knows the secret paths best? Who is cunning enough for Asgard?
"You're joking..." the Captain exhaled resignedly.
"Alas, no," the mage rubbed his temple. "They went to the prison where Loki was being held and asked him to tell them how to get to Helheim. Naturally, he sent them packing. But they didn't give up. In the end, after an hour and a half of terrible torture, the god of deception was pumped full of enough alcohol that he couldn't put up a decent fight. He was forced to lead his new friends, as he called them," the wizard explained immediately, "along a secret path to the world of the dead.
"Did you follow them?" Fury decided to clarify.
"Alas," Stephen nodded in agreement, "That was my biggest mistake..."
"Wait. How did they get past the prison guards? How did they get Loki out?" Steve interrupted him.
"No idea," Strange shrugged, catching strange looks from those around him. "Satan used some kind of magic and everyone, including me, lost sight of them. More accurately, we stopped paying attention to them. So they opened the cell, cut the god's bonds, and dragged out his semi-conscious, delirious body.
"How did you find them then?" asked Vision, who had been silent until then.
"Ah," the mage waved his hand, "they dropped the outermost guard, thankfully, an empty tower on the border of Asgard. Heimdall found me and urged me to take the drunkards to the ground and return Loki to the cell without resorting to the army, for there would be destruction and no political motive. In the middle of his "urgent request," they dropped the tower, and the crash was accompanied by the cursing of the god of lies, on whom it fell.
The Avengers couldn't help but stifle their laughter, and Stark laughed openly.
"So," Fury sighed heavily, trying to hold back his laughter, "What happened next, after you went to Helheim?
"It turns out Thor has a sister who is the ruler of the underworld, and she wasn't happy to see her brother. But the devil intervened just in time and turned on all his charm. I'm not kidding, I don't know what he did, but the goddess who was ready to kill just a second ago suddenly melted at his whisper. He was surrounded by some kind of aura, and even Loki started to stick to him. Brrr. But he was thrown against the wall, where he happily lost consciousness. I used the time stone so that I wouldn't get caught there, and stayed to spy."Shouldn't we wait for the armada from that world in our orbit?" Nick asked.
"No... no. Everything ended well, even too well. Fortunately, I decided to leave four days before the hour of reckoning. Thanks to Oku for that. The future was difficult to predict.
"So what happened there that made you run away?
"First, all three of us, drunk as skunks, decided to celebrate our family reunion...
***
My consciousness returned instantly, as if someone had flipped a switch. I remember drinking with Thor at the bar... *Click* and I... where am I?
"This is a momentous day!" proclaimed a one-eyed old man, "Today we have many reasons to rejoice! For Hela, my daughter, has renounced her anger and returned to the bosom of her family." He smiled warmly at the girl to my right. I don't understand a thing! What's going on?! Okay, let's keep quiet and not stand out. Let's smile and wave. Maybe they won't notice me. "Although I thought she would try to kill me when we met. Heh heh." Everyone laughed at this "joke" and I joined in. "But that's not our only joy today! My son, Thor, is getting married!"
Everyone clapped their hands together. I looked at the god of thunder, who had come to his senses at the same time as me. The poor guy looked around with bewildered eyes, trying to comprehend what was happening.
"Lady Sif, accept our congratulations! You finally got what you wanted," Odin laughed, "I hope we'll have grandchildren soon." The girl blushed but nodded resolutely, wrapping her arms around Thor's arm.
"Soon," she smiled, stroking her belly.
That was when Thor couldn't take it anymore. His brain processed the new information and, after staring wide-eyed at the woman's belly, he lost consciousness.
"Oh," Frigga said tenderly, "He always reacts so emotionally to good news.
"Hurrah for the newlyweds and future parents!" I couldn't hold back any longer and raised my glass. Everyone joined in and clinked their glasses joyfully.
Everyone continued the feast, and I kept up, devouring meat and salads. I helped the goddess of death sitting next to me, serving her whatever she wanted. I am a man of culture and know my manners. So I made small talk with her, passing her delicacies and pouring her wine.
Soon Odin stood up again and raised his cup. The people fell silent, listening to the words of their leader.
"On this beautiful day, we will congratulate not only Thor and Sif, but also Hela!" He saluted his daughter with the cup in his hand, "Today she too will tie the knot!" Everyone cheered in unison, and congratulations poured out like a cornucopia.
I looked around and saw a woman sitting to the right of the goddess of death, dressed in expensive, ceremonial-looking clothes. So Hela likes girls? Oh my. Not bad, not bad at all.
"... tie herself to the Lightbringer!" Odin finished the speech, which I let pass by my ears.
Wait a minute... My eyes widen and my head turns towards the one-eyed god.
"Welcome to the family... son," the god winks and salutes with a cup.
My right hand is wrapped in the thin, graceful, but incredibly strong hands of Hela, who looks into my eyes so intensely that I feel sick.
"Congratulations, partner!" Ddraig cackled in my head, "I'm so glad you've settled down, it even brought a tear to my eye," and he laughed, the bastard.
"Red! Your scaly mother. What the hell? What the hell happened, and where were you?"
"I was knocked out by the interdimensional transition and the energy blast that the artefact took on itself. It was a lot of energy. I came to when you had already finished enveloping this particular goddess of death in your aura and sweet words," he sniffed, suppressing a laugh. "That Thor was cheering you on, hugging his unconscious brother around the shoulders. And everything would have been fine, but a team from Asgard arrived, including Sif. You were impressed by her beauty and the glances she threw at the thunderer. So you helped them by casting a spell of arousal on both of them, which I reinforced, and locked them in a separate room."
The suitcase couldn't take it and started laughing again.
"You should have seen the faces of the warriors who came with her. She scolds Thor, and a second later kicks Loki, who has just regained consciousness, into the wall, grabs the blond by the chest and kisses him. You, without wasting any time, grab them both and throw them into a separate room, sealing it. A minute later, moans can be heard coming from there."
"Mm-hmm. — I roll my eyes mentally, "— and what do I do?"
"Are you asking me?"
"No, it was a rhetorical question. — I feel a strong urge to massage my nose, " — Why the fuck do I need a wife?! I already have Lilith, Akeno, and Shuri with Reynal. Hela doesn't give a shit about me!" — The cry from my soul was met with a grunt from the dragon.
"Well, she's got you by the balls. You know she's not a virgin, but you're her first, right? Everyone was afraid of her strength and temper, so no one dared to make such proposals, fearing for their 'dignity'. So she only had her right hand as a partner. Wow, what a scary woman."
"Where did you get all these details?" I ask in surprise.
"She told you herself. When you were lying on her bed after everything was done. You pretended to listen to her life story, trying to keep your drunken consciousness from crossing the line into blackout. And it worked! I'll tell you about her life later so you don't give yourself away."
"I have no words... Just. No. Words. How did it get to the point of marriage?"
"You're better off not knowing... I didn't understand the logical chains this brunette used, but this winding path was too, TOO complicated for my mind to comprehend. And for your drunken mind too, so you just lay there nodding to all her questions, and that's how you got caught."
"Darling, shall we go to our chambers?" Hela whispered in my ear in a languid voice, interrupting my conversation with the redhead.
Memories of her naked body flashed through my mind... Ha, maybe it's not such a bad thing? I'll stay in this world a little longer, maybe...
"Ha, partner," growled the dragon, "It'll be better for you if your angels don't find out about her."
"Let's go, dear," I smiled, ignoring the clatter of the suitcase. I had to find a way to get out of here before Odin decided to dump Asgard on me and my daughter, because Thor didn't give a damn about the crown. With my luck, that was quite likely.
***
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