The Assassin's Creed of Hogwarts

Severus' Sorting Songs

SORTING SONGS BY SEVERUS (faithfully transcribed and annotated by Textual Sphinx)

Some Historical Notes

The Sorting Hat has not written its own songs for nearly forty years, and only intermittently since 1066, when he argued, quite reasonably, that after six decades of finding rhymes for the 'ambition', 'wise' and 'brave' and 'loyal' he was going insane, and he'd be damned if he was going to start over again in French. (History test for the non-British here.)

Incidentally, the Sorting Hat is male. He's a divider and selector with a lot of conservative power. His demise at the end of Book Seven, for the sake of conflict resolution in the Wizarding World, is hereby prophesied.

A Literary History

The Sorting Hat began to write songs again once English as we can more or less recognise it started to gain ascendency in Britain. He was inspired by the Pearl Poet (of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Patience, and Pearl) to pen two or three fine Alliterative versions in the 14th century, and Chaucer was the model for an excellent song in the early 15th. His most sustained production was during the time of Marlowe and Shakespeare, during which he produced no less than nine songs in blank verse. He rather lost his energy during the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries for want of inspirational models (the Keatsian song was banned for being too riské) and left the versifying almost entirely to Hogwarts' staff, until a group of them complained that song-writing wasn't in their job description whilst it WAS one of the Hat's raisons d'être. It was only after a disastrous attempt at Concrete Poetry, which left the teachers as well as the students of 1962 completely baffled, that the Hat was officially relieved of Song duty for good.

The staff at Hogwarts now take it in turns. Professor Flitwick did the delightful ditty in Harry's first year. McGonagall admits responsibility for the rather earnest effort of Year Four. The Hat's favourite remains the one Professor Snape wrote in his first year of teaching (September 1982, when the War with Voldemort was still in people's minds) - a sinister little number to the tune of Mack the Knife that had half the firsties sneaking back to the boats, and the other half (mostly Slytherins and Ravenclaws, with whom it was a cult hit) tormenting them with their Lotte Lenya/Louis Armstrong impersonations:

I'm the Hat that

Reads your mind, dears,

And there's nothing

You can hide;

I will put you

In a place that

Seven years you

Must abide.

I am skilled in

The detection

Of that crucial

Inner trait

Which determines

My selection,

Making Charact -

er your Fate

See the Gryffind-

dor whose roaring

Opens wide that

Fearsome face;

But the Slyther-

in keeps venom

In a much less

Obvious place.

And the Huffle-

puff so tender,

Never preda-

tor but prey;

Whilst the Raven-

claw soars highest,

Asking 'Why?' far

From the fray.

And as Peacetime

Follows Wartime,

All our conflicts

Are dismissed;

But in learning,

And in yearning,

House distinctions

Will persist.

So the Lions

Cram for Glory,

Whilst the Eagles

Learn for joy.

For the Badgers,

Study's duty,

For the Serpents,

It's a ploy.

Know that Gryffin-

dors in love are

Not a force to

Be ignored;

That the Raven-

claws are guarded,

Consequently,

They're adored.

And the Huffle-

puffs' affections

Are most steady

And serene;

But in Slyther-

ins Obsession

And Indifference

Find no mean.

If Determin-

ism galls you,

Understand this

Is your choice.

I am spelled to

Sort you truly,

So you might as

Well rejoice.

Yes whichever

House you go to,

You were meant to,

So Rejoice.

_________________________________________________

The Headmaster henceforth preceded his Sorting Song requests to Severus with the words, "Something nice and cheerful. The new students get so very nervous.." The Hat doesn't agree. He loves doing Lotte Lenya impressions. And he can. She had a very deep voice.

Anyway, in the year of A Decoding of the Heart (1999), it is once more Severus' turn, and he has done something Cheerful with a vengeance - indeed malice. He HATES the tune of Modern Major General from The Pirates of Penzance, and this is as near as he's ever got to saying 'up yours' to Dumbledore (who is very fond of Gilbert and Sullivan, of course, and thinks Severus is an intellectual snob to dismiss them).

"I AM the very MOdel of a MOdern major GEN-er-al" is what's known as a 'patter' song: it is sung rather fast. (The Hat took the precaution of having the tear in its rim reinforced with a zip. It glinted a tad malevolently in the candlelight, affording him a mildly trendy air of Punk.) People were so impressed with the hard work the Hat obviously put in to singing it right that they asked for an encore. Plus they didn't follow a word the first time round.

When Hogwarts' founders Snuffed It at the start of the millennium,

Their rivalries and foibles didn't cross the Lethe's banks with them;

For Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw and Slytherin and Gryffindor

Bequeathed me the authority to pick the House you're suited for.

Let other schools set entry tests and quiz your personality,

A SORTING HAT gets access to your innermost reality.

Your aptitudes and certitudes and psychoanalytical

Complexities will point you to the path which proves so critical.

Now Gryffindors are fêted for persistent feats of bravery,

And Righting every Wrong from Third-World Debt to House-elf Slavery.

They'll throw you in the thick of fine adventures that should not be missed -

If you can stick their heartiness and aren't too individualist.

The Hufflepuffs are loyal, fair, hardworking and meticulous,

Which makes up for the fact that Helga's surname was ridiculous.

You never take short cuts or cheat, for laziness is criminal,

An excellent philosophy when praise you win is minimal.

The wise Rowena Ravenclaw creamed off the intellectual,

The scholarly, the witty and profoundly ineffectual,

Whose Credo Cogitamus ergo sumus makes the best hot air;

But if you didn't get all that, Don't Panic - I won't put you there.

The virtues of the Serpent's house are swathed in deepest mystery,

But only slaves to simpleness would shun its chequered history,

With drive that sends you far in life, with shrewd and ruthless brilliance-

A Slytherin, for good or ill, will make the greatest diff-er-ence.

But now my tender audience I'm sure that you have heard enough

Of Slytherin and Ravenclaw and Gryffindor and Hufflepuff,

My job's to get you Sorted and I'll brook no bribes, or threats or tears;

Just put me on and trust me - I've been doing this a thousand years.

_________________________________________________

Notes

The Mack the Knife song would have also been 'in aftermath' to the Muggle War in the Falklands. When Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher decided Britain had won, she declaimed 'Rejoice! Rejoice!' in the House of Commons.

'Determinism' is the word given to the philosophy that states that all things are basically predestined and we can't change them. (Not to be confused with 'determination' - which is the will we use to fight Determinism, you could say. Someone at ff.net got confused over this, so I thought I should explain...)

The Latin in the Ravenclaw verse means "We think therefore we are". Plural version of Cogito ego sum.

The nods towards Muggle culture and concerns was thoroughly approved of by the Headmaster - and Hermione. They were delighted to hear pureblood firsties asking each other what the Third World was and muggle-borns wanting to see the House-elves. They regarded the Millenium Sorting Song as nicely representative of Post-Voldemort Political Correctness.

The Sorting Hat song of 1999 may not have achieved quite the popularity of Professor Lee Jordon's Rap version of 2006 (anyone care to write it?) but it did make it to the footnotes of Hogwarts, A History as 'One of the only Songs in which the description of the Houses is not wholly positive.'

A few of the teachers were a bit miffed that Slytherin got the best press. Especially when all the most interesting-looking students (cunning enough to foreground their greatest ambitions when under the Hat) were Sorted to Slytherin. Professor Snape said he was only making up for having the scum dumped in his House every year - a view hotly denied by Professor Sprout, who claimed that SHE got all the hopeless ones.

There is a Sorting

To the tune of There is a Sucker Born Ev'ry Minute from Barnum (a 1980 musical by Cy Coleman & Michael Stewart, first sang by Jim Dale)

NOTE: If Textual Sphinx is correct that the sorting songs are actually written by the Hogwarts faculty, this brash and blustery number may be the work of Gilderoy Lockhart, the closest thing the Potterverse has to a P.T. Barnum….

THE SCENE: The Great Hall, during the annual sorting ceremony.

THE SORTING HAT: (Spoken) Hat is the name, the Hogwarts Sorting Hat. And whether you think my singing is splendid or accursed, you're still going to listen. Why? Because every time I plop down upon a Firstie noggin, a delightful phenomenon takes place that absolutely guarantees it...

(music)

There is a Sorting done when I'm on it

Each time that I am placed upon a skull

A process quite remarkable

Occurs right here as I decide

Which of four ways you're classified at Hogwarts

This clever bonnet

Is now all set to let you meet your future peers

'Cause at the Start-of-Term, the Sorting Hat is on it

As I recite for you this sonnet true, my dears…..

The HAT slides the entire length of the Ravenclaw table, then springs over to Slytherin

Of our four Founders, I'll tell the tale

About a thousand or so years it seems

Ago they had this lofty dream

To educate young acolytes

In all the wisdom and the rites of magic

Nor did they fail

For their pupils they quadruple dorms decreed

Since then at Start-of-Term, the Sorting Hat is on it

For due to an odd trick of ol' Godric, that's me!

This year, instead of waiting on the stool as the students come to him, the HAT flies around the room, landing on random assorted first-year craniums

If I discern that you're an Al Einstein

Who revels in the life of mind

Then I'm inclined to call for Ravenclaw

If of courage you've a whiff in store

You'd better go to Gryffindor

The house that is a huge filk-maven draw

If you're a kid who's prone to juxtapose

The grindstone and your own known nose

Then head for Hufflepuff (beside the salad bar)

And if your bent's Medici-an

With just a trace of Nietzschean

Then, you, young friend, I'll plunk straight down with Salazar

For you're at Hogwarts, hey, all right

And here's our headline show tonight…..

…..A Sorting done when I'm on it

Each time that I stroke a frontal lobe

An inmost self I then behold

And it's my job to organize

The dark, the brave, the meek, the wise in houses

This witty bonnet

Is now all set to let you meet your future crew

'Cause at the Start-of-Term the Sortin' Hat is on it

The HAT spies the smallest most timid of the First-Years

And friend, I now report the next I'll sort is....

The HAT laughs exuberantly

...you!

The HAT lands on the head of the terrified Firstie. Black-out

I Am The Very Model Of A Proper Hogwarts Sorting Hat

A filk by Salazar to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan's Major General Song from The Pirates of Penzance.

HAT:

I am the very model of a proper Hogwarts Sorting Hat

Just put me on your head and I will find the right house just like that!

If you want some description of the options that I offer here

Just listen to me well and I assure you that you need no fear

The Gryffindors are nothing if they're not a quite enduring lot

When trouble rears its ugly head do they all hide? Well, surely not!

And they don't like it all that much if you are not an honest type

And around all their chivalry they place a rather unjust hype.

GRYFFINDORS

And around all our chivalry we place a rather deserved hype!

And around all our chivalry we place a rather deserved hype!

And around all our chivalry we place a rather deserved hype!

HAT

Yet, if you want adventure and a life of living on the edge

And you think that all cowardice is nothing but a sacrilege

In short, if you would gladly fight a dragon with a cricket bat

Then Gryffindor's what you will find within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!

GRYFFINDORS

In short, if you would gladly fight a dragon with a cricket bat

Then Gryffindor's what you will find within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!

HAT

The Hufflepuffs are diligent, though slightly immaterial

And they're about as similar as grains of breakfast cereal

Although you may be mocked because you're not the most distinguished kid

Without you all subordinates and workers would be gotten rid.

You must attempt to always work, regardless of banality

Considering that laziness carries much criminality

Loyalty's the biggest point, they all are classic altruists.

A Hufflepuff, above all else, is completely collectivist!

HUFFLEPUFFS (proudly)

A Hufflepuff, above all else, is completely collectivist!

A Hufflepuff, above all else, is completely collectivist!

A Hufflepuff, above all else, is completely collectivist!

HAT

Yet if you find that loyalty and study are the best of all

And think that others slacking is a troubled case of excess gall

In short, if you're not distinguished by being short or thin or fat,

Then Hufflepuff is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat.

HUFFLEPUFFS

In short, if you're not distinguished by being short or thin or fat,

Then Hufflepuff is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat.

HAT

The Ravenclaws are well versed in all things which have a scholar's touch

They like to read philosophy and complex science very much.

Their work is always excellent, they have a proper intellect

Their tests are always perfect, which is what your teachers will expect.

If you cannot believe that some people think class is glorious

And think that all the textbooks are just clumsy and laborious

Then Ravenclaw is not the house you'll want to enter into here

Yet, if you are the top of class, just put me on and have no fear!

RAVENCLAWS

Yet, if you are the top of class, just put him on and have no fear!

Yet, if you are the top of class, just put him on and have no fear!

Yet, if you are the top of class, just put him on and have no fear!

HAT

If you believe quite firmly in the truth of Einstein's eminence

And put no other things before your pursuit of intelligence

In short, if your life revolves around all of the exams you've sat

Then Ravenclaw is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!

RAVENCLAWS

In short, if your life revolves around all of the exams you've sat

Then Ravenclaw is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!

HAT

And finally, the Slytherins, who are a group of demagogues.

You'll don't belong in Slytherin if you're one bit ideologue.

They care not for morality or anything which keeps them back

To win they'll lie and cheat and stretch their enemies upon the rack!

Yet, if you all find that thoughts of right and wrong are so damn silly

And take all of your cues from Niccolo Machiavelli

Why, you will find a welcome place within the serpentine house, then

But when you're out of Hogwarts you will never trust a soul again!

SLYTHERINS (smiling maliciously)

But when you're out of Hogwarts you will never trust a soul again!

But when you're out of Hogwarts you will never trust a soul again!

But when you're out of Hogwarts you will never trust a soul again!

HAT

Although, if you think dog-eat-dog's the way of all the world today

And care not who you hurt just as long as you can just get your way..

In short, if you aspire to become a ruthless plutocrat

Then Slytherin is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!

SLYTHERINS

In short, if you aspire to become a ruthless Plutocrat

Then Slytherin is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!

Only a Sorting Song

A filk by Constance Vigilance from the Beatles' Yellow Submarine album, to the tune of Only a Northern Song.

THE SCENE: After sitting on a shelf in Dumbledore's office all year, it's the Sorting Hat's annual moment in the sun. The Hat knows that It, its song and the Sorting Ceremony, is all that is keeping 1,000 hungry teenagers from their Welcoming Feast.

If you're listening to this song

You may think it's lasting way too long.

But it's fate;

The Feast will just have to wait.

It doesn't really matter if I cast a spell

Wait for it, I'm going to tell! What the Hell!

This is my Sorting Song

It doesn't really matter what the Founders said

Because the Four have long been dead! And gone.

And it's Only a Sorting Song.

Once a year I strut my stuff

Shout out "Gryffindor!" or "Hufflepuff!"

Just like that - And my word is enough.

It doesn't really matter what house I choose

Because win or lose, you can always refuse.

As it's Only a Sorting Song.

It doesn't really matter if your Feast is late.

Sit and wait. Contemplate an empty plate.

Make a date, for a Sorting Song.

Some make speeches short and sweet:

"Nitwit, blubber, oddment, tweak."

That's OK, but where's the mystique?

From year to year I get to sing a song for you

And when I'm through, you get to chew.

And now, everyone, please do!

The tables fill with food and stomach grumbling sounds are replaced with delighted sounds of eating

Sort This Way

A filk by Red Scharlach to the tune of Walk This Way by Aerosmith and Run DMC

SORTING HAT:

Now when it comes to sortin', I put a lotta thought in

Cause I'm more than just a thinking cap

When your head needs stuffin', I'm a magical McGuffin

And I'm pretty fly at rhyme and rap

If you're a true-born leader or a real bottom-feeder

I can tell where your future is

So listen to my story, I can line you up for glory

If you wanna be a witch or wiz - like thiz!

I started hangin' down in Hogwarts School

In the days of the Founders Four

When they founded this college to pass on all their knowledge

In a way no one had before

But they all had a stance on who should get a chance

To be tutored, and it caused an affray

So to make the best division, they all came to a decision

And they taught me how to sort this way

CHORUS:

(They taught me to)

Sort this way, sort this way

Sort this way, sort this way

(They taught me to)

Sort this way, sort this way

Sort this way, sort this way

So I do it like this

Now there was sweet Rowena, well man you shoulda seen her

They called her Missy Ravenclaw

You can bet your sweet patootie that the chick could shake her booty

And her homies all had brains galore

And there was Slytherin Sal, a magician with ambition

That was deeper than a great abyss

He had to be surest that his posse were the purest

And he said it with a little hiss - like this!

Now my man Godric was the Gryffindor lion

Well, that dude sure be kickin' yo' butt

Just the bravest and the boldest were the reddest and the goldest

And were good enough to make the cut

But there was one cool dame liked them all the same

Helga Hufflepuff was ready to say

That as long as they were loyal and not afraid of toil

Then she'd take 'em when I sort this way

CHORUS:

(They taught me to)

Sort this way, sort this way

Sort this way, sort this way

(They taught me to)

Sort this way, sort this way

Sort this way, sort this way

So I do it like this

Tom's Sorting

A filk by Riibu to the tune of Space Oddity by David Bowie

SORTING HAT:

The Sorting Hat to Riddle, Tom

The Sorting Hat to Riddle, Tom

Sit down on a stool and put me tightly on.

The Sorting Hat to Riddle, Tom

Slytherin blood in Muggle's son

Such ambition I have not seen for a while

This is Sorting Hat to Riddle, Tom

You really made it here

And the world you used to know exists no more

Now it's time to find your House amongst the four

This is Riddle, Tom to Sorting Hat

I've sat here quite a while

Don't you dare to put me where I don't belong

I've got talent, you know, so don't sort me wrong

For here

My destiny's awaiting

In Wizarding world

Slytherin is green

And the snake in me is keen

Now it's Nineteen-Hundred Forty-Five

I'm feeling very still

And I think my instinct knows which way to go

Soon I'll learn everything there is to know

The Sorting Hat to Riddle, Tom

Can't read your mind, there's something wrong

Can you hear me, Riddle, Tom?

First Day Back

A Sorting Song by Constance Vigilance (not set to any particular song)

Looking especially grumpy from his spot on the stool, THE SORTING HAT surveys his audience. Then a rip near the brim opens and he begins to sing...

SORTING HAT:

First day back at Hogwarts School

And here I sit upon this stool.

First Years in a line - the schmucks -

From where I sit, the whole thing sucks.

Old Godric and the other three

They put intelligence in me.

As Oracle of Hogwarts lore

Each new event I've seen before.

A thousand years of knowledge here

Need expertise? I volunteer!

Behind each headmaster I've sat

Dispensing sound advice thereat.

But do my words get past an ear?

No! I am heard but once a year.

For counsel wise, they need but ask

Instead I get this piddling task.

So I'm the beanie that will go

Eenie meenie miney moe

Slyth or Griff or Rave or Huff

Come on, guys, it ain't that tough.

To save our world, I stand prepared.

A hundred times at death I've stared.

My golden sword beside me stands

But what's the point. I've got no hands.

Here I sit in gross neglect

This Dangerfield gets no respect.

I've rips and tears and lots of dirt.

Wash me please? What could it hurt?

No daring deed, no laurelled grace

No maiden's tear upon my face.

Just sorting First Years here instead.

So hurry up. I need some head.

*****

My Name is Albus

A filk by Kit to the tune of My Name is Jonas by Weezer, the greatest band of all time

THE SCENE: Well, it's sung by Dumbledore, and it has to be after Book Four.

DUMBLEDORE:

My name is Albus

I'm carrying this school

Though I'm in my hundreds

The kids still think I'm cool

Wizards respect thee

I've saved their country

More than once, I'd say

Voldemort's afraid of me

Recall way back when

Grindelwald was in ken?

No, well that's because

I long ago defeated him

The Hogwarts train comes right on time

The watch it is run by is mine

My methods can be seen as crazed

The Ministry repects my ways

My name is Albus

Solemn tunes I enjoy

I love chamber music

Sung by two Weasley boys

Dementors won't do

Won't watch them glide by

At the Quidditch match

Get them off my grounds

What do I conceive

For my Christmas Day?

Plenty of warm socks

So my feet are smothered

Recent events might get me canned

The school might be out of my hands

But men will still follow my path

Once Voldemort's unleashed his wrath

The Ministry's free to roam

But soon they'll be coming home

I'll lead my own war with pride

In the end we're on the same side

But soon they'll be coming home

Soon they'll be coming home

Soon they'll be coming home

My name is Albus

He's Albus Dumbledore

A filk by Richard to the tune of He's Misstra Know-It-All, by Stevie Wonder

He's a man,

With a plan,

Got a twelve-inch birch wand in his hand,

He's Albus Dumbledore

He's feared,

He's revered,

Got a long white flowing six-foot beard,

He's Albus Dumbledore

He can fly,

What a guy,

Got a kind little twinkle in his eye,

He's Albus Dumbledore

Must be seen,

In his robes,

What he wears beneath them, no one knows,

He's Albus Dumbledore

If you tell him he's getting too old,

He will say "why yes, I am,

If you had my kind of gold,

You'd have no care that's worth a damn," oh

Oou...oou...oou oou...oou...

This Castle,

It is his,

His only concern is for all the kids,

He's Albus Dumbledore

He will pay,

House Elves too,

He's the kind of dude that takes care of you,

He's Albus Dumbledore

When you tell him the Dark Lord's back,

He will come up with a plan,

And nobody would fear attack,

If he kicks Voldemort from these lands, oh oh-

Oou...oou...oou oou...oou...

He's a man,

With a plan,

Got a twelve-inch birch wand in his hand,

He's Albus Dumbledore.

Take my word,

Malfoy beware,

Of a man who gives Voldemort a scare, yea-

He's Albus Dumbledore

(Look out he's coming)

Dum bum bum ba bum bum,

Dum bum bum ba bum bum

Bum bum bum bum bum Say

He's Albus Dumbledore

All Wizards

Praise this man,

Take your hat off to the man who's got the plan,

He's Albus Dumbledore.

All Students shake the hand ,

Of the man who's got the plan,

He's Albus Dumbledore

Give a hand to the man,

Don't you know darn well he's got the super plan,

He's Albus Dumbledore

Give a hand to the man,

You know damn well he's got the super plan,

He's Albus Dumbledore

If we had less of Voldy,

Don't you know we'd have a better la-a-and,

He's Albus Dumbledore

So give a hand to the man,

Although you've worked as hard as you can

He's Albus Dumbledore

Check his spells out

He'll tell it all

Hey

Voldemort's gone and worried me to death

He's Albus Dumbledore

Fade

Eccentric

A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of Ironic by Alanis Morissette

Enter DUMBLEDORE, resplendent in scarlet robes as he stands with his hands behind his back, staring contemplatively out of his office window.

DUMBLEDORE:

An old wiz, greatest alive

Done work with alchemy and blood of dragons

I'm a wise old guy, beat Dark Lords' minions

Defeated Grindlewald back in '45

But aren't I eccentric…don't you think?

Told Harry I really like socks

My fave room is chock full o' chamber pots

I really enjoy those sherbet lemon drops

I'm one crazy guy..ravin' mad

Got a pet phoenix by the name of Fawkes

To teach DADA class, hired that Goldilocks

Told Pomfrey she had to let a big black dog

Stand guard by Harry's bed. She thought,

"Well isn't he odd?"

And aren't I eccentric…don't you think?

Repeat chorus

Well I have a funny way of allowing children

Who are young to face grave danger and then hoping for the best

And I have a funny way of preparing them and

Then when everything's gone wrong hoping it won't blow up

In my face

And is it a plan made by the author

Is it possible it's MAGIC DISHWASHER?

Could I be yet one more, a surprise animagus?

If so, could it be my name's Fawkes

My supposed loyal pet phoenix

And aren't I eccentric…don't you think?

A little too eccentric…I'm really crazy

Repeat chorus

And yeah well I have a funny way of risking these children

And I have a funny, funny way of preparing them Preparing them

Dumbledore!Simpson's Filk

A filk by Pickle Jimmy to the tune of Homer's Softball song from The Simpsons

Well Dumbledore had done it,

The Side of Right had won it,

With Lucius Malfoy cursing all the while

Death Eaters being captured made us smile

And Fudge still saying "Nothing's wrong" in total denial

We're talking Hogwarts...

Hagrid and Hermione

Talking Hogwarts...

Neville, Ron and Dobby

Harry proved his courage in the war

Black and Snape still fighting like before

Where talking Lupin... Fawkes and Dumbledore.

Thin Tall Wizard

To the tune of Pinball Wizard, from The Who's Tommy

THE SCENE: Before Hogwarts Castle. Enter HARRY

HARRY

He came here as a young boy

And he is now silver-haired

He's the Headmaster at Hogwarts

He's a man beyond compare

He doesn't micromanage

Yet you see his hand in all

That deft Dumbledore guy

Is always right on the ball!

He found a use for dragon's blood

To be exact, there's twelve.

He puts werewolves on the payroll

He writes paychecks for the elves

He pushed Malfoy into checkmate

He runs circles around Fudge

That deft Dumbledore guy

Is someone you can't misjudge!

He's a thin tall wizard

He is the very best!

A thin tall wizard

There is simply no contest!

Why do you think he does it? You should know!

He's a force for Good!

After mom and dad were murdered

He dropped me off on Privet Drive,

But, hey, nobody's perfect,

The main thing's that I now thrive

He guides me to maturity

With each striking epigram

That deft Dumbledore guy

Follows a great lesson plan!

He's a thin tall wizard

I just tell it like it is

A thin tall wizard

Both a wizard and a whiz

He can seem daft and doddering

Match the geezer stereotype

But when there's need for action

He lives up to all his hype

What he did to Grindelwald

He'll do to Voldemort

That deft Dumbledore guy'll

Use Voldy to mop up the floor!

He's a thin tall wizard

A man who really rocks

A thin tall wizard

Let's hope he gets those socks!

He's Dumbledore! He's Dumbledore!

They once called me the Heir of Slytherin

But I'd be proud to be the heir of him

The Office of Dumbledore

To the tune of Hoagy Carmichael's In the Cool Cool Cool of the Evening

The Scene: Before the office of the Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. Enter his two most enthusiastic disciples, RUBEUS HAGRID & HARRY POTTER

BOTH

It's cool, cool cool in the office of Albus Dumbledore

It's full of magical treasures from the ceiling to the floor

You never know what you'll find there when you open up his door

HAGRID

Come on in for peek

As we quietly sneak

Past his paintings as they snore.

HARRY (taking the SORTING HAT off a shelf)

Here is the sorting hat

It may look sorta flat

But it put each kid where he belongs

SORTING HAT

I might not be made of silk

But I know the wizard ilk

I even do my own filksongs

HARRY

This hat assisted greatly

In Riddle's secret den

SORTING HAT

And I have told you lately

How great you'd do in Slytherin?

HARRY turns the hat inside-out, and throws it back on the shelf

BOTH

It's cool, cool, cool in the office of Albus Dumbledore

No matter how often we come here, there's more things to explore

The only thing that it's lacking is a raven croaking "Nevermore"

HARRY

All its gizmos so flimsy

Yet chockfull of whimsy

To augment its décor

HAGRID (approaching Fawkes)

Don't reach for a Kleenex

If you see his Phoenix

Get in smoke and ashes dissolved

HARRY

And don't be surprised, my friend

When you see him arise again,

That's just the way they evolved

HAGRID

It's a bird of beauty

Of color and of fire

And when he croons he can outdo

The Tabernacle Choir

BOTH

It's no day care school in the Pensieve of Albus Dumbledore

Although they're not that.expensive

Just a dollar ninety-four

The flashback effects are intensive as dire issues are explored

HARRY

You see inside his mind

As his thoughts all rewind

To show what happened long before.

BOTH

There's many a jewel in the office of Albus Dumbledore

It's the center of the resistance against Lord Voldemort

Whenever Hogwarts in crisis

Or there's a problem too hardcore

HARRY: If it's a magical diary

HAGRID: A goblet too fiery

HARRY: A visit from Black

HAGRID: A Dementor attack

HARRY: A stone needs to be hid

HAGRID: Or to stone's turned a kid

HARRY: Or if Snape's in a snit

HAGRID: Or if Fudge throws a fit

ALL (including HAT & FAWKES): Just look for Albus Dumbledore!

You're Immortal

A filk by GiNnY to the tune of My Immortal by Evanescence, from the album Fallen and the Daredevil OST

THE SCENE: Dumbledore, depressed over seeing Fawkes looking so dreadful a few days before Burning Day, ponders on their friendship, his mortality, and his Phoenix's virtual immortality....

DUMBLEDORE:

I know you'll always be here

Yet I am burdened with this fear

That I will lose my pet

And I don't want to just yet

I know that you'll always be here

And you won't leave me alone

You are my loyal friend

You're with me to the end

We have a friendship time will not erase

When you cry

You heal with your magical tears

When you sing

You make all despair disappear

And you've been my friend through all of these years

When I'm gone you'll still be here.

When your Burning Day draws near

Your looks surely don't endear

You shed your lovely feathers, you look queer.

Burst into flames

To a pile of ashes

But you remain the same

Phoenix as you are reborn

You are my loyal friend

You're with me to the end

We have a friendship time will not erase

When you cry

You heal with your magical tears

When you sing

You make all despair disappear

And you've been my friend through all of these years

When I'm gone you'll still be here.

I know that you'll still be alive when I'm gone

But while I'm still living

You will never be alone.

When you cry

You heal with your magical tears

When you sing

You make all despair disappear

And you've been my friend through all of these years

When I'm gone you'll still be here.

Old Man Wizard

To the tune of Old Man River, from Kern and Hammerstein's Showboat

THE SCENE: A remote Albanian forest in the early 1980s (the Dark Lord's years of exile). Enter LORD VOLDEMORT, in the form of a large centipede.

VOLDEMORT

There's an ol' man who's Headmaster at Hogwarts

That's the ol' man that I'd like to waste!

What does he care for a poor Dark Lord's troubles?

What does he care that I've been disgraced?

Old man wizard

That old man wizard

He won't stay quiet

He don't deny it

He just keeps sayin'

He keeps on sayin' my name

Although my powers

Were once atomic

It's clear, even then

He found me comic.

That ol' man wizard

He keeps betrayin' my aim

Poor ol' me, despite my brain

Body I'm lackin', an' racked with pain!

Ripped from life!

Can't exist!

Takin' over snakes

Merely to subsist…..

I grow weary

But still keep tryin'

Obsessed with livin'

Afraid of dyin'

But ol' man wizard

He keeps delayin' my game

And now I'm hearin'

What's sure to scare us

News of that ol' man

From Richard Harris:

Straight through Book Seven

He'll keep Let's-Roll!-ing along!

The centipede expires. Exit the restless spirit of VOLDEMORT, in search of other temporary habitations.

Wool Socks

To the tune of Elvis Presley's Hard Knocks

HARRY: What do you see when you look in the mirror [of Erised]?

DUMBLEDORE: I? I see myself holding a pair of thick, woolen socks.

- PS/SS, Chapter 12

THE SCENE: The Office of the Headmaster. Enter DUMBLEDORE and DOBBY

DUMBLEDORE

For Christmas I get books as gifts

But I feel I'm getting a real short shrift

Wool socks, all I really want are wool socks

And I'm telling you, I'm requestin' a pair

Of what I wanna wear, wool socks

DOBBY

No one gave me a single thing

Till I got footwear that makes freedom ring

Wool socks, all I really need are wool socks

And I'm telling you, I was goin' nowhere

Til I grabbed me a pair of wool socks

DOBBY: I'm just an elf

DUMBLEDORE: I'm just a sage

BOTH: We've both known fear and pain and rage

We both have reeled from the Dark Lord's blows

We've suffered our share of life's cruel woes

But we'll never know defeat

As long as we've these to put on our feet........

Wool socks, all we really need are wool socks

DOBBY

Oh I'm telling you, we can move like Astaire

When wearin' a pair of wool socks

DUMBLEDORE

Oh, I'm telling you, we'll be dressin' with flair

When wearin' a pair of wool socks

BOTH

And we're telling you, we both proudly declare

Our feet'll never be bare

With wool socks!

Good Headmaster Dumbledore (PoA, Chap. 11 - loosely)

A Christmas filk by Gail to the tune of Good King Wenceslas

Good Headmaster Dumbledore

In the Great Hall was found

Christmas time had come once more

Professors gathered 'round

McGonagall, Snape and Sprout

Filch and Flitwick were there

Even Trelawney came out

And sat down in a chair

Harry and his friends had come

WIth two first-years, nervous

And a Slyth'rin who looked glum

All else left the campus

Since there were so few people

D'dore said, "It's better

For us to use one table

So let's sit together!"

Dumbledore offered to Snape

With much joyful laughter

Wrapped up in some silver tape

The end of a cracker

Reluctantly Snape tugged at

It and with a loud pop

Revealed a large pointed hat

With a stuffed vulture on top

Remembering the Boggart

Harry at Ron did grin

As if he had something tart,

Snape's mouth quickly grew thin

Good Headmaster Dumbledore

Took from the Professor

And upon his head he wore

The hat to Snape's displeasure

The Old Man Who Runs the School

A filk by Mariner to the tune of The Old Man Down the Road by John Fogerty

He got a stash of lemon sherbets,

He got a twinkle in his eye,

He hire a lycanthrope to teach Defense,

He make the Potions Master spy.

Oh, what's he up to now?

Oh, has he got a plan?

Oh, can we really trust

The old man who runs the school?

He know that Voldemort is Riddle,

He got a beard that's long and white,

He got a robe all covered with suns and moons,

He gonna lead the side of Light.

Oh, what's he up to now?

Oh, has he got a plan?

Oh, can we really trust

The old man who runs the school?

He got the prophecies and secrets,

He know who gonna rise or fall,

Don't even think of being clever,

'Cos the old man knows it all.

Oh, what's he up to now?

Oh, has he got a plan?

Oh, can we really trust

The old man who runs the school?

The old man who runs the school...

The old man who runs the school...

I Love This School

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of I Love This Bar by Toby Keith

THE SCENE: It's the beginning of term 2003 and everyone's about to sing the Hogwart's song. Just then, Dumbledore puts on a cowboy hat and waves his wand. The familiar ribbon appears but the words are different. They went something like this:

DUMBLEDORE:

We got witches, we got wizards

Big spiders and lizards

We got dragons, we got slayers

We got good Quidditch players

And the students dress in robes, that's pretty cool

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm I love this school

We got head boys, we got prefects

Sharp prodigious kids and rejects

We got Seekers, we got Chasers

Magic blackboard erasers

And Professor Snape he can be really cruel

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm I love this school

I love this school

It's my kind of place

Just walk into the great hall

Puts a big smile on my face

Don't be a fool

Follow the rules

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm I love this school

Now I've seen unicorns, and centaurs

Seen freaky thestrals and flyin' cars

We got four ghosts and talking Skeeters

I even seen a werewolf and Death Eaters

And we like to sometimes try to bend the rules

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm I love this school

Yes I do

DUMBLEDORE/STUDENTS

I like my wand / I like my wand

I like some Quidditch / I like some Quidditch

EVERYONE

I like to learn a lot about magic

I like a potion now and then

I love this school

It's my kind of place

Just walking around the great hall

Puts a big smile on my face

Don't be a fool

Follow the rules

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm I love this school

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm I love this old school

A Visit From St. Nick

A filk by The Dark Evil One to The Night Before Christmas by Clement C. Moore.

'Twas the Night before Christmas

And all through Hogwarts

Every student was sleeping

E'en Draco, in his Shorts.

The fires all were put out, and the chimneys all swept.

The Elves finished their Duties as everyone slept.

The Ferret was curled up, snug in his bed

That came from PetSmart, or so it is said.

And Severus Snape in pajamas and robe

As Ron slept Unrestful - he's an Arachnophobe.

When suddenly, strange noises pierced the Dark night.

The Ferret wet himself from Terrible fright.

All three sprang from their beds, and Young Harry, too.

The Ferret blushed Brightly, and ran to the Loo.

They gathered together and peered through the Door

In the Entrance Hall, down on Hogwart School's ground floor.

Then out from the clouds near the tops of the towers

And the Winter's white sky (the poor Ferret did cower)!

They did not Recognise him, the Man who did fly;

Snape found him Familiar, and Rubbed sleep from his Eyes.

"Why, it must be Old Santa!"

The Ferret exclaimed,

"I told you he was Real,

This Elf so acclaimed!"

Now Harry, Ron, Draco, and he-in-the-Cape

(The same, I should tell you, as Severus Snape)

Ran to the Stairs, to hide as they might,

And Left the Doors open to let in Moon-light.

As the feathery Owls with the morning post fly

When they rush to their daily duty in the Sky,

So down from the tower the Sea-gulls they flew

With a bathtub-shaped Carriage, and Santa Claus, too.

Complete with the Faucets, a Plug, and a Chain!

Ron could not Fathom it; it hurt his poor Brain.

And they drew in sharp breaths and watched closely the Door

As St. Nicolas entered where the Moon-light did Pour.

He was Dressed in long robes, made of brocaded Gold.

He wore Golden-rimmed spectacles, looked Very Old.

A Bundle of sorts, filled with Toys, Sweets, and more…

Why, he looked just like Someone whom they'd Seen before!

His Eyes - how they twinkled! How Bright they shone Blue!

His Hair was so silv'ry, a silver they Knew,

And his Beard, o that beard! It was White as the Snow

That covered the ground on the lawns far Below.

"Draco, you dork, do your Eyes work no more?

This is not St. Nick, but Old Dumbledore!

Look at his long Hair, look at his Nose,

Look how his Beard nearly falls to his Toes!"

Their Headmaster it was, Jolly he did look.

Draco was frightened, his Knees how they Shook.

Daft of him, really, to me it Appears

For the Ferret to have this Possession of Fear.

To them, he spoke not, nor an Obeisance made

As under each Tree their Gifts he there laid.

Then he placed his long Finger aside of his Nose -

What a cryptic salute Old Dumbledore chose!

He Returned to his Tub, and Far Away flew.

The Four hardly believed what they had Seen was true.

But they Heard him exclaim, ere he Drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas To All, And To All A Good-Night!!"

When I'm 664

To the tune of the Beatles' When I'm 64

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm placing this filk for Nicholas Flamel on the page of his erstwhile partner, for want of a better location. Also: "664", for prosodic reasons, should be sung as "six-six-four," rather than "six-hundred and sixty-four."

There have been many reports of the Philosopher's Stone over the centuries, but the only Stone currently in existence belongs to Mr. Nicolas Flamel, the noted alchemist and opera lover. Mr. Flamel, who celebrated his six hundred and sixty-fifth birthday last year, enjoys a quiet life in Devon with his wife, Perenelle (six hundred and fifty-eight).

-PS/SS, Chap. 13

THE SCENE: NICHOLAS FLAMEL'S Parisian Bookstore, circa 1391. He sings to his wife Perenelle of his breakthrough with the Philosopher's Stone

FLAMEL:

I'm making gold here, using the Stone, through my alchemy

Will we be surviving past Medieval days, live till it's nearly Y2K?

Will we endure through six centuries, thanks to my bookstore?

Will we produce a modern Methuselah

When I'm 664?

Hmm------mmm---mmmh.

You're immortal, too.

Aaah, and if you say the word, I'll get Stoned with you.

It will be dandy, who could refuse, such delights will come

We will dwell together through the Renaissance, and post-Napoleonic France

The Eiffel Tower, Les Miserables, maybe two World Wars

Partake of the Rock 'n' stop the clock tockin' till we're 664

We can use the Rock to live till they invent the opera. It won't take too long.

Magic Elixir

We'll let life insurance lapse, and become fixtures

Name on a Frog card, get mentioned in The Da Vinci Code

Wealth and fame and power and longevity, better living through chemistry

And should we tire, minds organized, we'll ask Dumbledore

To help us venture last great adventure when we're 664.

Hey, Al

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Hey Jude by the Beatles

GELLERT GRINDELWALD:

Hey Al, it's not that bad.

We're not mad, wanting wizards better.

Remember, that it's for the greater good,

And that it should only get better.

Hey Al, don't be afraid.

We were made to rule over Muggles.

The minute we collect all three Hallows,

We'll be allowed to win this struggle.

You can restore life with the stone, hey Al, it's known,

And I think the cloak is in Godric's Hollow.

Then we'll just need to find the wand, and they'll respond;

Both Muggles and wizards will have to follow.

Na na na na na

na na na na

Hey Al, let us move forth

'Cause Aberforth just seeks to blister.

Finally, we can in our quest partake,

And he can take care of your sister.

We'll search without and search within, hey Al ,begin.

They're waiting for someone to help guide them.

Make all live for the greater good, hey Al, we could.

Our movement will make the world better.

Hey Al, it's not that bad.

We're not mad, wanting wizards better.

Remember, that it's for the greater good,

And that it should only get better.

Better, better, better, better, better, Oh

Na na na na na na na

Na na na na, Hey Al!

Na na na na na na na

Na na na na, Hey Al!

Na na na na na na na

Na na na na, Hey Al!

*****

Minerva

A filk by Red Scharlach to the tune of Delilah by Tom Jones

Enter HARRY and a Chorus of Gryffindor students

HARRY:

She saw me breaking the rules as I flew by her window

I thought that I would be kicked out of Hogwarts for sure

I was mistaken

She made me Seeker and I knew her motives were pure

My, my, my, Minerva

I can say with fervour

You could see

How brilliant at Quidditch I'd be

So thank you Minerva, you'll always be all right by me

GRYFFINDORS:

We're in good hands when she's teaching us Transfiguration

Making a mouse from a snuff-box or something like that

Behind those glasses

She may seem strict but she's really an old pussycat

My, my, my, Minerva

We just don't deserve her

We adore

The head of old Gryffindor

Three cheers for Minerva, she'll help us to beat Voldemort

Three cheers for Minerva, she'll help us to beat Voldemort!

Exit Harry and Company

In the Eyes of Minerva

A filk by Kelly Lasiter to the tune of Angel by Sarah McLachlan

HARRY:

School rules we were breaking,

Risking Basilisk's glance,

For Hermione'd been Petrified.

And we thought Moaning Myrtle

Might know something of use,

For 'twas at the Heir's hands she had died.

We ran down the hallway

And trouble was there. McGonagall stood in our way;

"What are you doing?

She asked us, and I lied,

Said, "We're going to see Herm tonight."

In the eyes of Minerva,

I can see a tear.

In that hard-nosed professor

There may be a soft heart, I do fear.

Behind tortoise-shell glasses

There's a glistening I can see

In the eyes of Minerva,

I could swear I just saw a tear.

Final match against Slytherin,

For the school Quidditch Cup,

And the Gryffs haven't won it in years.

And with Wood graduating

This may be our last chance.

It's the last time that we'll all be here.

When the Gryffs were up sixty,

I lunged for the Snitch,

Then I held that ball in my hands,

And there was Minerva--

She was sobbing like mad

Into a red-and-gold flag in the stands.

In the eyes of Minerva,

I can see a tear.

In that hard-nosed professor

There may be a soft heart, I do fear.

Behind tortoise-shell glasses

There's a glistening I can see

In the eyes of Minerva,

I could swear I just saw a tear.

In the eyes of Minerva,

I could swear I just saw a tear.

Transfiguration

A filk by Haggridd based on New Math by Tom Lehrer

NOTE: Italicized sections are spoken

SCENE: Professor MINERVA MCGONAGALL is giving a lecture to her students:

Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will learn at Hogwarts. Anyone messing around in my class will leave and not come back. You have been warned. It is important that you understand what you're doing rather than just get the right answer. Consider the following Transfiguration problem: turn a tortoise into a teapot

Now, teapots cannot walk,

So they don't need feet,

So you remove four tiny tortoise feet.

Now likewise, there's no nose,

So you give them a spout,

Regroup, and you change their tops into lids,

And you add handles right there at the back,

And you take away tails, that's fine.

Is that clear?

Now instead of a mouth in its face

You've a spout,

'Cause you need liquid,

That is to say, tea, to come out,

But you can't make tortoise-shell tea,

So you make a ceramic shell.

You can then boil the water

To make tea...

(And you know why you just cannot pour boiling water

Directly into a tortoise shell?

Because you will end up with tortoise soup, right!)...

And so you've got tortoise shells,

And you take away the tops, and that leaves tea...

Well, soup actually. You see why organization is the important thing?

Now go back to the ceramic shell,

And you're almost done,

And you make a pretty design,

And that leaves...?

Everybody get a teapot? No, Master Longbottom, it is not supposed to be a tortoise that breathes steam.

Transfiguration,

Transformation,

It really takes a lot of imagination.

It's not simple,

Not very simple;

Master Longbottom cannot do it!

Now, actually, that is not the answer that I had in mind, because in the book that I got this spell out of, Emeric Switch's "A Beginner's Guide To Transfiguration", they want you to turn a guinea-fowl into a guinea-pig. But don't panic. The basic principles are the same. Shall we have a go at it? Hang on...

A guinea-pig can't fly,

Flying is for birds,

So you change the bird to a mammal.

Now it doesn't have ears,

So you give it pig's ears,

Regroup and you conjure up a pigtail,

And you add it to its rump,

And you get a little tail,

Which should not be curled,

And you take away the corkscrew shape.

Okay?

Now, instead of two feet, called talons,

You've got four.

'Cause you added two

That is to say, hooves, to the two

Talons, but you can't add any more feet,

Or you might end up with insects.

Insects? "How did insects get into it?" I hear you cry. Well, insects and arachnids will be for next year, don't you know? So if you have any more silly questions, ask Miss Granger for the answers.

From the feet you then go right

To its face,

And you turn its beak to a nose,

And you get a guinea-pig's snout.

Or, in other words,

Guinea-fowl have only two feet,

And you then add two more feet,

And two feet plus two more feet is four.

Now forget about the insects,

And we're left with skin,

And you change feathers into fur,

And that leaves...?

Now, let's not always see the same hands. Right, Miss Granger? No, Master Longbottom, your teapot is not supposed to have feathers.

Transfiguration,

Transformation,

It really takes a lot of determination.

It's not simple,

Not very simple;

Master Longbottom cannot do it!

Animagus

An original poem by Swissmiss

Ears slide up

Pointed tips

Hair draws in

Fur sprouts out

Elbows high

Shoulders squeeze

Legs crouch down

Hips turn in

Tailbone grows

Twitches, curls

Nose gets wet

Smells rush in

Small sharp teeth

Whiskers prick

Paper tongue

Long and lean

Big round eyes

See the dark

Fingers shrink

Nails like pins

Siren voice

Shapeless words

Small and lean

Witch is cat

*****

Dolores Umbridge

A filk by Mariner to the tune of Cruella DeVille from 101 Dalamatians

Okay, I know the name is almost certainly pronounced UM-bridge, but for the purpose of scansion here, it must be sung as um-BRIDGE.

Dolores Umbridge, Dolores Umbridge

Deserves to be chopped up

And stuffed in a fridge,

Or maybe tossed from the East River bridge,

Dolores, Dolores Umbridge.

That fake little cough,

Those legal decrees

Make me want to give

Her throat a good squeeze,

Did I mention that I hate her just a smidge?

Dolores, Dolores Umbridge!

At first you think Dolores is a nuisance,

An unctuous, sadistic little fool.

But the next thing you know, she's running the whole show

As Headmistress of Hogwarts Wizard School!

That poisonous toad,

That vile little shrew,

If I was a witch, do you know what I'd do?

I would transfigure her into a midge

And squash Dolores, Dolores Umbridge!

Hogwarts High Inquisitor

A filk by Pippin to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan's Major General Song from The Pirates of Penzance.

UMBRIDGE

I am the very model of a Hogwarts High Inquisitor

I sit in back of every class as if I was a visitor

There'll be no deviation while I serve as an inhibitor

From subjects in the syllabus which you will all be quizzing for

Although I do not soil my hands with matters strictly practical

I am the prefect parody of educratic folderal

As I bring Hogwarts to its knees with educational decrees

From twenty-two to twenty-eight in Ministry bureaucrat-ese

ALL:

From twenty-two to twenty-eight in Ministry bureaucrat-ese (3x)

HERMIONE

She looks all loveydovey with her velvet bow and cardigan

And yet she has a magic quill that carves out letters in your hand

Oh Harry go tell Dumbledore, the woman's a sadistic --boar

We cannot let her go on being Hogwarts High Inquisitor

HARRY

Your good advice I will ignore for I've defeated Voldemort

And surely I'm an equal for the Hogwarts High Inquisitor

UMBRIDGE

I have a thing for halfbreeds which is positively Freudian

I passed a law so Remus Lupin cannot be employed again

I sent Trelawney packing with my breathless phony hacking 'hem'

And my reforms are sticking cos The Daily Prophet's backing them

And now that I have evidence against that old fool Dumbledore

I've proved he's raised an army and we're going to shove him out the door

I'll use Veritaserum, I can prove that Potter's telling lies

And naughty Marietta tells that they've been meeting in disguise

THE DA

And naughty Marietta squeals that we've been meeting in disguse (3x)

UMBRIDGE

I'll squelch this nasty rumour saying You-Know-Who is back again

And I'll be the new Hogwarts Head before you can say "Slytherin"

And I will have accomplished everything that is requisite for

Fulfilling my assignment as the Hogwarts High Inquisitor

ALL

And she will have accomplished everything that is requisite for

Fulfilling her assignment as the Hogwarts High Inquisitor

UMBRIDGE

If Harry Potter doesn't talk I'm going to use a Crucio!

Unless the little bugger tells me whom he was floo-speaking to

It's time he was discredited, I do not need a dementor

I'll make him talk because I am the Hogwarts High Inquisitor

HERMIONE

No! Come in to the forest where a weapon's hidden carefully

And do not take your squad unless you trust them all implicitly

(And if you are not capable of fighting off a mad centaur

I think we'll finally get rid of the Hogwarts High Inquistor)

THE DA

I think we'll finally get rid of the Hogwarts High Inquisitor (3x)

UMBRIDGE

What I have learned from Slinkhard's book is highly theoretical

It's only useful when I'm fighting monsters hypothetical

The centaurs have surrounded me, my terror is exquisite for

They don't seem to respect me as a Hogwarts High Inquisitor

THE DA

The centaurs have surrounded her, her terror is exquisite for

They do not give a clop about the Hogwarts High Inquisitor

You've a Toad-Face, Ms. Umbridge

A filk by Sparrowhawk to the tune of You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

The Scene: The Gryffindor dormitory. Harry is drifting off to sleep, thinking back pleasantly on ignominious retreat of the Hogwarts High Inquisitor...

Wavy lines indicating dream sequence transition

Enter DUMBLEDORE, gazing into a swirling Pensieve and shaking his head…

DUMBLEDORE

You've a toad-face, Ms. Umbridge.

I thought you ought to know.

Your neck is nonexistent

And I hate that big black bow,

Ms. Umbridge.

You're about as clever

As a drunken grindylow.

You're abhorrent, Ms. Umbridge

Like a nasty sewer clog.

There's really nothing slimier

Than a pompous pedagogue,

Ms. Umbridge.

I wouldn't touch you with a

Whomping Willow log.

You're pathetic, Ms. Umbridge.

You're a simpering, feeble sham.

I've heard better ersatz coughing

At a hernia exam,

Ms. Umbridge.

Given the choice between the two of you

I'd take the--HEM HEM--hernia exam.

You're a foul one, Ms. Umbridge

With your exsanguinating quill.

How dare you torture Harry

Into sleepless deshabille,

Ms. Umbridge.

The three words that best describe you are, and I

quote: "Plump" "Pink" "Punk"

You are troll-kin, Ms. Umbridge,

High Inquisitor or not.

Fudge must be in Malfoy's pocket

To have given you that spot,

Ms. Umbridge

Your soul is a Chamber of Secrets housing a flatulent, feculent

flobberworm best left undisturbed for all eternity and

Sealed with Devil's Snare knots!

You're a cretin, Ms. Umbridge.

Minerva told you off.

Even Flitwick had you floundering,

Even Hagrid had to scoff,

Ms. Umbridge.

You're a three-decker moldy head cheese and stoat sandwich

With Stinksap sauce.

You're Dolores Jane

A filk by Phyllis to the tune of You're Sixteen by Ringo Starr

You come on really funny, like poison and honey

Lips with a cough like a whine

You're Dolores Jane, you're hideous, and I wish you weren't mine

You're all fluffy cardigans and Alice bands, ooh, we're not your fans

Toad-like eyes that bulge so fine

You're Dolores Jane, you're hideous, and I wish you weren't mine

You're my enemy, you're the one I've been fearing

We've hated each other since the day of my hearing

You touched my hand, my scar went pop

Ooh, when we argued I could not stop

You walked out of my nightmares and into my school

Now you're the devil divine

You're Dolores Jane, you're hideous, and I wish you weren't mine

You're my enemy, you're the one I've been fearing

We've hated each other since the day of my hearing

You touched my hand, my scar went pop

Ooh, when we argued I could not stop

You walked out of my nightmares and into the forest

Now you're the centaurs' new sign

You're Dolores Jane, you're hideous, and I wish you weren't mine

You're Dolores Jane, so hideous, and I wish you weren't mine

You're Dolores Jane, you're hideous, and I wish you weren't mine

All not mine, all not mine, all not mine

All not mine, all not mine, all not mine

Professor Umbridge

A filk by Gail to the tune of Life In The Fast Lane by the Eagles

HARRY:

She was a squat-statured witch with a face like a big toad

Yeah, she was hideously ugly

Right from the start there was something that I loathed

By the way she'd smirk oh, so smugly

Umbridge arrived at Hogwarts School as a Ministry witch

We learned she was nasty, learned she was a bitch

When she made her announcement

Things were gonna change

She said, "Innovation!

Old ways will be re-trained"

Professor Umbridge

Surely had a twisted mind br> Professor Umbridge

Yeah

(spoken)Are you with me so far?

Things started changing as she would patrol

Seemed she was arranging for lots more control

She observed all the teachers

She ordered stricter rules

She was despised by students

Her detentions were cruel

There were lines on the parchment, lines on my hand

The smile on her face meant she thought she was in command

By the end of detention my hand was in pain

Wouldn't show her any weakness from her inhumane punishment now

Professor Umbridge

Surely had a twisted mind

Professor Umbridge

Yeah

Professor Umbridge

She was mean all the time

Professor Umbridge

Oh Yeah

Became paranoid, blinded by power

When Dumbledore left Hogwarts

Things got worse by the hour

Only Flitch, Draco and his friends dug Umbridge's style

The way she'd taken over would have made Joe Stalin smile

She said, "I'm Headmaster, listen to what I say!"

But Minerva to Peeves said, "It unscrews the other way"

When she went deep into the forest

On the back of a centaur borne

We didn't care, we were just happy she was gone and she was

Professor Umbridge

In the end she lost her mind

Professor Umbridge

Yeah

Professor Umbridge

Deserved worse for her crimes

Professor Umbridge

Oh yeah

Professor Umbridge

Professor Umbridge

Every Little Thing She Does Is Tragic

A filk by GiNnY to the tune of Every Little Thing She Does by The Police

Setting: HARRY sings about that Umbridge woman. For all those who have ever wanted to cast Crucio on her.

HARRY:

Here I am to tell the story

Of that Umbridge woman who came to Hogwarts.

She was big and looked like a toad.

And most everyone hated her from the start.

Every little thing she does is tragic,

Every thing she does pisses me off,

All I want to do is cast some magic,

Shut her up and never see her scoff.

She has always sucked up to Fudge,

So a handful of Decrees were quickly made.

Until she got all the power,

And controlled the whole school, oh what a charade!

Every little thing she does is tragic.

Every thing she does pisses me off.

All I want to do is cast some magic,

Shut her up and never see her scoff.

I had to stand up to her

Through each and every day.

So she said she'll punish me

In her own horrid way.

And then she became Headmistress.

They had kicked out Dumbledore.

But we all fought her together.

Now she will teach here no more.

(Repeat Chorus twice)

She's A Bad DADA Teacher

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of She's a Bad Mamma Jamma by Carl Carlton

HARRY (suffering while writing lines with the magic quill)

Yeahhhh

Oooohhhh!

Ohh ohh ohh! Look it hurts!

(now singing)

She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be

She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be

Her body measurements and just too gross to mention

Her nasty self put me sure enough in detention

A Ministry notion, to hire a spy to see

I get so disgusted when she is around me

HARRY/DADA STUDENTS

She's mean/She is mean, she is wacked

Give Hogwarts a heart attack

(HARRY)Does all the things that we don't like

She's bad/She is nasty, she is bad

Worst teacher we've ever had

(HARRY)I'd like to set her robe on fire

Look This hurts!

She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be

She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be

Looks like she's probing the whole school

She's so… the essence of ugly under an ugly hat

She's such a nasty when she teaches classes

She's Hell on wheels, when she punishes me

HARRY/DADA STUDENTS

She's cruel/She is cruel, she is fat

Has a brain just like a bat

A high inquisitor is she

She's dumb/She is dumb, nothin' nice

With her little beady eyes

Send her back to the ministry

Oohhh Wee!

She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be

She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be

UMBRIDGE

Hem! Hem!

STUDENTS:

DADAaaa.. DADAaaa.. DADA DADAaaa DADAaaaa DADAaaaaaa…..

UMBRIDGE

Hem! Hem!

STUDENTS:

DADAaaa.. DADAaaa.. DADA DADAaaa DADAaaaa DADAaaaaaa…..

UMBRIDGE

Hem! Hem!

STUDENTS:

She is crazy, she's a snitch

Such a crazy ugly witch

HARRY

Her nasty attitude is just too bad to mention

She's got a way to put me sure enough in detention

I wish I knew a potion to get her away from me

I get so digusted when she's around me

HARRY/DADA STUDENTS

She's mean/She is mean, she is wacked

Give Hogwarts a heart attack

(HARRY)Does all the things that we don't like

She's bad/She is nasty, she is bad

Worst teacher we've ever had

(HARRY)I'd like to set her robe on fire

Look This hurts!

She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be

(HARRY: Oh oh oh oh oh oh…)

She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be

repeat until fade

The Real Dolores Umbridge

A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of The Real Slim Shady

UMBRIDGE:

Hem hem! May I have your attention please!

May I have your attention please!

Will Dumbledore's fanclub please shut up?

I repeat, will Dumbledore's fanclub please shut up?

I'm going to get angry now...

You act like you've never seen a pink cardie before

All starting to snore

Like I'm mumbling nonsense you'll just ignore

I'm a Defence teacher much worse than before

Books you'll be forced

Lessons you just can't endure

No wandwaving

"Ah, wait, no wait, she's kidding

She didn't just say what I think she said,

Did she?"

And You-Know-Who said -

Nothing you idiots! You-Know-Who's dead!

He was killed by that Scarhead!

Slytherin students love this Professor

Gotta love the woman D. Umbridge

"We love her style, look at her

sentencing Potter to who knows what

Cause he talked about You-Know-Who"

"But Potter's so cute though"

Dumbledore's got a couple of screws in his head loose

Won't let me hook up CCTV in the bedrooms

All my spies in Hogwarts to be let loose

And stop you all reading the Quibbler for your news

"The Dark Lord killed my Mum, the Dark Lord killed my Dad

The attention that I'm getting makes me feel so glad"

And that's the message we listen to from someone who's stark mad

And wonder why the ministry's problems are so bad

Of course the reputation of the Minister is bad

Cause we're giving a voice

To a brat who wants attention, aren't we?

He's nothing but talking,

Well I'll be walking

Examining Hogwarts and inquiring

Cause Dumbledore's reputation is expiring

And there's no reason why you shouldn't find the man Fudge inspiring

If you find this paranoia tiring

Students stop your boastful prose, listen to what I propose...

Chorus:

D J Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge

All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage

So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please

shut up, please shut up

D J Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge

All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage

So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please

shut up, please shut up

So the rest aren't allowed to interrupt the Headmaster

But I am, so hem hem, and listen up

You think I should be mad about Harry

Half of you fangirls want to have his babies and get married

"But Professor, what if it's true, You-Know-Who is back?"

What? You want to end up like Sirius Black?

Hell, I'm much more worried about a fangirl attack

So I'll question Ginny Weasley and Cho Chang

And work out who that Potter kid is most likely to bang

Little brat, sees dark wizards on Muggle TV

"Yeah he's mad, but his scar's so cool, hee hee"

If the Ministry was under my decree

I'd show the world the greatest liar you could see

I'm sick of your little Dark Arts Defence groups

I'll make an announcement with a purpose to end you

And there's a million people fearing You-Know-Who

Who don't know who, who are just following I-Know-Who

Whose words aren't true, and all his fangirls too

Who should listen up to someone else, and I know who...

D J Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge

All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage

So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please

shut up, please shut up

D J Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge

All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage

So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please

shut up, please shut up

I'm sensible to listen to

Because I'm only telling you

Things the Ministry has cleared to be taught in the classroom

I'm so much different from that werewolf Remus Lupin

A halfbreed and all, so I'm not going to let you use

your wand at all

Just get the book and read it

And you had better believe it

They know it better than you poxy little students can

And you wonder why I hate all thought original

It's funny because at the the rate you're going,

When you're twenty you'll be in Azkaban for crimes a-plenty

Spreading stupid rumours when you're longing for attention

And you'll mention that you wished I had just put you in detention

So every single person should pay me some attention

But you all act like I'm Professor Binns, you love the Weasley twins

And in the corridors, running and screaming you love Dumbledore

With his speeches that you all encore

So will Dumbledore's fan club shut up

To Umbridge all raise your hands up

And be proud to be out of the madness bred in this school

And one more time, loud as you can, say Umbridge rules...

D J Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge

All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage

So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please

shut up, please shut up

D J Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge

All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage

So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please

shut up, please shut up

Not singing along Potter? I think it'll be another week of detention for you.

Fudge and Umbridge

MagicPoni's latest edition of crazy classics! Dumbledore leads his chorus a tribute to Cornelius Fudge and Dolores Umbridge. Sung to the tune Love and Marriage by Frank Sinatra.

DUMBLEDORE: Fudge and Umbridge, Fudge and Umbridge

RON: Go together like a spoon and porridge

RON flings a spoonful of porridge at a picture of Fudge and Umbridge

SIRIUS: They act as Big Brother

MCGONAGALL: You can't have one without the other

DUMBLEDORE: Fudge and Umbridge, Fudge and Umbridge

ARTHUR: Run an institute you can disparage

HERMIONE: Pass another Decree

HARRY: And they will say it's from the ministry.

MOLLY: Try, try, try to separate them

REMUS: It's an illusion

FRED: Try, try, try, and you will only come

GEORGE: To this conclusion

DUMBLEDORE: Fudge and Umbridge, Fudge and Umbridge

HARRY: Get detention and it will be savage

SIRIUS: Can't escape Big Brother

MCGONAGALL: You can't have one without the other

Kiss Off the Potter Boy

A filk by Salazar to the tune of Kidnap The Sandy Claws from Danny Elfman's The Nightmare Before Christmas.

THE SCENE: The office of DOLORES UMBRIDGE. Along with TWO MINISTRY OFFICIALS and a CHORUS OF DEMENTORS, she plots to be rid of Harry Potter

FIRST MINISTRY OFFICIAL

Kidnap little Harry boy?

UMBRIDGE

Let's use dementors to destroy.

SECOND MINISTRY OFFICIAL

Someone has to take some action

We're in a bind

FIRST OFFICIAL:

Create a distraction

UMBRIDGE

The kid goes in traction!

ALL:

Weeeee!

Lalalalalalalalalalala

Lalalalalalalalalalala

UMBRIDGE & OFFICIALS (Instructing Dementors):

Kidnap the Potter boy

Stop him if you can

Throw the little lying brat

Right in Azkaban.

UMBRIDGE (to Dementors)

His lying will take its toll

We cannot let him reach his goal

Voldemort cannot be back

So you had best suck out his soul!

FIRST OFFICIAL:

Wait, I've got a better ploy to catch this little hero boy

Just let him say "Voldy's not dead", the Ministry will have his head!

CHORUS OF DEMENTORS

Kidnap the Potter boy

Suck out all his bliss

Back him up against the wall

Then give him a kiss

SECOND OFFICIAL:

Then Mr. Albus Dumbledore

Can head right through the prison door!

He'll hold such a big monstrous grudge

He'll lose the fight to Fudge! Whee!

FIRST OFFICIAL

I say that we take an Auror,

And send him Potter's address

Avada Kedavra will make sure that Potter is no more!

UMBRIDGE

Don't be stupid. Think now, if he falls right down without a fight

It might look suspicious and The Prophet might just think he's right!

DEMENTORS

Kiss off the Potter boy,

Drink his happiness

Leave him with his worst of thoughts

See then if he's blessed

UMBRIDGE & OFFICIALS

Because old Mr. Albus Dumble

Just believes that bloody lad

If I were with old Dumbledore,

I'd be rather sad!

UMBRIDGE:

Fudge will be so happy to see

That Potter's finished, thanks to me!

Perhaps he'll move me up in rank

Then the half-breeds will tank!

'Cause I'm Secretary and I do my job with pride

I hate that Harry Potter kid, who I think went and lied.

I wish I were the one in charge

For me no power is too large.

FIRST OFFICIAL

Dumbledore will have a fit

When we use this plan

To bear fruit

We'll send a box to Potter's door

With powder that makes him grow roots.

SECOND OFFICIAL

Now in the box the stuff we'll hide

Until at last Harry just can't

Resist the lure to look inside

And he'll become a helpless plant!

UMBRIDGE & OFFICIALS

Kiss off the Potter boy,

Get him on the run

Tell The Daily Prophet all

The crimes that he's done!

Kidnap the Potter boy,

Indict him with crimes

Even send an article

To the Muggle Times!

ALL:

Kidnap the Potter boy

But do only this

When we've/you've got him cornered then

Give him a nice kiss!

Mad laughter from UMBRIDGE & OFFICIALS. Exit DEMENTORS

Delores

A filk by Wendy to the tune of Her Majesty by the Beatles.

HARRY:

Delores is a nasty old girl,

And she's always got a lot to say.

Delores is a nasty old girl,

New decrees comin' every day.

I want to tell her that the Dark Lord is back,

But on my hand her quill is cutting lines.

Delores is a nasty old girl,

I really wish that she'd resign, oh yeah,

I really wish that she'd resign.

Umbridgeana

A filk by loony to the tune of Oh! Susanna by Stephen Foster

I was listening to the CD of OOP over the past few weeks and I found this quote which made me stop the CD and start singing as loud as I could, making up the words as I went.

"Professor Umbridge was sitting there, a clipboard on her knee.."(OOP US edition p. 661).

UMBRIDGE:

Oh I'm going to Trelawney

With my clipboard on my knee

And I'm going to inspect her

Just for the ministry

Oh! Trelawney!

You'd better scry for me

Cause I'm coming to your tower

With my clipboard on my knee

Oh I'm going to see Hagrid

With my clipboard on my knee

I would like to sack him

Then I'd be half-blood free

Oh! I hate them

Those folks who aren't like me

So I'll unfairly inspect him

With my clipboard on my knee

I'm going to McGonagall's office

With my clipboard on my knee

I'm going to Minerva's

That Potter boy to see

Oh dear Filchy

Oh don't you cry for me

Cause I'm going to McGonagall's

With my clipboard on my knee

Oh I'm not going to Binnsey

With my clipboard on my knee

Why I don't go to inspect him is quite the Mystery

Oh dear Binnsey

You are quite safe from me

Cause I'm not gonna inspect you

With my clipboard on my knee

Poisoned Honey

To the tune of Funny Honey from Chicago

THE SCENE: A smoky nightclub next to The Ministry of Magic. Draped atop a piano (with PERCY at the keyboard) is the Minister himself, dressed in his sexiest green suit and bowler.

PERCY:

For his next number, Minister Cornelius Fudge sings a song of love and devotion dedicated to his dearest minion (next to me).

FUDGE:

Sometimes I'm Right

Sometimes I'm Left

But of her sweet HEM

I'm not bereft

She loves me so

That poisoned honey of mine!

Sometimes I'm sharp

Sometimes I'm flat

But she rallies 'round

Like a good bureaucrat

She loves me so

That poisoned honey of mine!

She don't dress chic

Her voice has a squeak

Her speeches can be awful bland

But tell her some lies

And you'll realize

That she knows her job

Like the back of your hand

And she's appointed by me

To make Dumble flee….

What if Hogwarts

Dare disagrees

Why, she'll be right there

Writing decrees

She loves me so

And my pinstripes so fine

That glorious, uproarious, notorious

Delores of mine!

UMBRIDGE Apparates beside the piano

UMBRIDGE (spoken):

I mean supposin', just supposin', they was to use violence against Potter...you know what I mean...violence?

FUDGE (spoken, distracted by Umbridge's beauty): I know what you mean...

UMBRIDGE (spoken): ...or somethin'. Think how "terrible" that would be. What that boy needs is some mentoring. I'm tellin' ya that! Get it? "Mentoring?"...

FUDGE (music):

She loves me so

That poisoned honey of mine!

WILLIAMSON, a MINISTRY official, Apparates beside the piano

WILLIAMSON (to FUDGE, spoken): Break-in tonight at the Department of Mysteries, sir. Name of intruder….Lord Voldemort.

FUDGE (spoken) Lord Voldemort, how could he be a burglar?

UMBRIDGE (spoken): Why, Lucius knows him. All those contributions to St. Mungo's.....

FUDGE (music)

Dark Lord's back, we don't look smart

PERCY (spoken): She told us that he wasn't back.

FUDGE (spoken): You mean we were wrong and Dumbledore's right?

UMBRIDGE (spoken): We had it covered in the press that it was just some cock and bull story dreamed up by Potter. Stick to our plan, Minister, so that the two of us can run Hogwarts together. Voldemort, ha! It's just another of those Albus lies! What a horse's ass....

Enter BANE and MAGORIAN, glaring angrily at UMBRIDGE

BANE and MAGORIAN (spoken, threateningly) Yes, human...?

UMBRIDGE (her soliloquy is spoken simultaneously over FUDGE'S song)

You cannot interfere with official government business in this manner. I am Dolores Umbridge! Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic and Headmistress and Grand Inquisitor of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! By the laws laid down by the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, any attack by half-breeds such as yourselves on a human...NO! NOOOOO! I AM SENIOR UNDERSECRETARY….YOU CANNOT….UNHAND ME, YOU ANIMALS….. NOOOOO!............….

FUDGE (music, sung over UMBRIDGE's soliloquy above)

Now, she's caught by centaurs

Can't stand this manure!

So Hogwarts School's

Out of control

She sent 'mentors loose

To snatch Harry's soul

They will string me up

If she does

Not resign

That dumpy, frumpy

Jumpy Umbridge of mine

Exit BANE and MAGORIAN, dragging a very loud UMBRIDGE with them. Her screams gradually fade. Several seconds of silence.

FUDGE: (spoken, still atop the piano, to PERCY)

Uh, so you got any plans for tonight after the show…..?

Umbridge the Devil

A filk by fuzzlebub85 to the tune of Frosty the Snowman

Umbridge the Devil

Was a very nasty soul

With a pink cardigan and a black quill

that in Harry's hand sliced holes

Umbridge the Devil

Was a nightmare, Hogwarts says

Except the Inquis Squad, who shout and nod,

"Old Umbridge was the best!"

Down to Hagrid's

With a clipboard in her hand

Running to all the Slytherins

"Do you understand that man?"

Soon Trelawney

Was sacked by evil Umbridge

But McGonagall said, "Sibyll, never fear

Albus will keep you here."

Down to the forest

With Harry and Hermione

Came evil Umbridge who met the centaurs

And was quite nearly killed.

In the Ministry

Dumbledore made Fudge see reason

For bad or good he understood

High Inquisitor had committed treason

Cloppity clop clop cloppity clop clop

Look at Umbridge go...

Cloppity clop clop cloppity clop clop over Hogwarts' snow!

Umbridge Got Run Over by a Centaur

A filk by Crookykanks to the tune of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Harry is dreaming. FLITWICK comes in wearing a bright elf suit, and sings:

FLITWICK:

Umbridge got run over by a centaur

Walking through the forest late at night

The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,

But we can hear them laughing with delight.

She was gaining too much power, and was posing as a threat

But it was really, really funny to see her sitting in the swamp, soaking wet.

She supervised all our classes, writing down notes with evil glee

And once a month she would present us with another stupid Ministry decree

Umbridge got run over by a centaur

Walking through the forest late at night

The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,

But we can hear them laughing with delight

We're all so proud of all our teachers, while she's around they lessen our load

See McGonagall resisting from turning that Ministry princess into a toad

Fred and George had pranked the teachers. Snape had even called them jerks

but now the staff will only sit back and allow us to enjoy the fireworks (fireworks!)

Umbridge got run over by a centaur

Walking through the forest late at night

The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,

But we can hear them laughing with delight

She was Fudge's evil minion and she put scars on Harry's hand

And that awful pink cardigan should be banished from fashion through the land

Snape was really getting angry, and Sprout had had about enough

At least through anger she united Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, and Hufflepuff.

Umbridge got run over by a centaur

Walking through the forest late at night

The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,

But we can hear them laughing with delight

(RON: Sing it Professor!)

Umbridge got run over by a centaur

Walking through the forest late at night

The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,

But we can hear them laughing with delight

Professor Umbridge

A filk by RJ Lupin to the tune of Too Much by the Spice Girls

Picture the scene as Harry in detention lamenting about Umbridge, and Ron and Hermione in a sort of fade in the background singing the backups.

HARRY:

Umbridge's foul, as foul as someone could be

Short and such a toad that I see

In her class we just sit and read

Learnin' nothin', list'ning to her insult all half breeds

Well I said that Lord Voldemort came back

RON & HERMIONE:

He came back

HARRY:

She said "That's detention, stop seeking attention!"

She just won't listen to fact

RON & HERMIONE:

She's the worst teacher that we have had

HARRY:

It's gettin' pretty obvious that we all hate her

Seeing her presence makes me go mad

I know we'd all be better off if a Skrewt just ate her

She's making up ridiculous decrees

Boosts her power like "kiss my ass please"

Thinks only her way's fine

Now we know the Ministry has gone and lost their minds

Malfoy sucks and so I punched him

RON & HERMIONE:

Punched him

HARRY:

And that ugly hag b*tch, she banned me from Quidditch

I just want her to end

RON & HERMIONE:

She's the worst teacher that we have had

HARRY:

We have had

It's gettin' pretty obvious that we all hate her

Seeing her presence makes me go mad

RON & HERMIONE:

Me go mad

I know we'd all be better off if a Skrewt just ate her

HARRY:

What part of truth won't she understand?

RON & HERMIONE:

Understand understand

HARRY:

Voldemort's back

We must stop him if we can

Stop him if we can!

RON & HERMIONE:

She's the worst teacher that we have had

HARRY:

It's gettin' pretty obvious that we all hate her

Seeing her presence makes me go mad

I know we'd all be better off if a Skrewt just ate her

RON & HERMIONE:

She's the worst teacher that we have had

HARRY:

We have had

RON & HERMIONE:

It's gettin' pretty obvious that we all hate her

Seeing her presence makes me go mad

HARRY:

Me go mad

RON & HERMIONE:

I know we'd all be better off if a Skrewt just ate her

HARRY:

Slicing my hand, making me write 'I must not tell lies'

Who knew there'd be a teacher more than Snape I'd despise?

Slicing my hand, making me write 'I must not tell lies'

Who knew there'd be a teacher more than Snape I'd despise?

repeat to fade

Hem! Hem!

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Beep Beep by The Playmtes

Note: There's a sound effect of a small horn going "Beep Beep" throughout the song. Imagine this is Umbridge going "Hem! Hem!"

HARRY

While tried by the Wizengamot

What to my surprise

A little fat woman was looking at me

With little beady eyes

The witch must've wanted just to speak up

As she kept on raising her voice

UMBRIDGE

Hem! Hem!

HARRY

I'll show her that a young wizard

Is not someone to scorn

HARRY/UMBRIDGE

Hem hem/Hem hem

Hem hem/Hem hem`

HARRY

Miss Umbridge went "Hem Hem"

UMBRIDGE

Hem! Hem!

HARRY

I raised my hand into the air

And gave her quite a shake

But I told her Voldemort is back, beware

It was a big mistake

This teacher gave me some detention

And a punishment I despise

UMBRIDGE

Hem! Hem!

HARRY

She made me write in my own blood

That "I will not tell lies"

HARRY/UMBRIDGE

Hem hem/Hem hem

Hem hem/Hem hem

HARRY

Miss Umbridge went "Hem Hem"

UMBRIDGE

Hem! Hem!

HARRY

My Godfather from Grimmauld place

Appeared into the fire

Told him that no one believes me

They all think that I'm a liar

When a hand just reached in to grab him out

I couldn't believe my eyes (Hem! Hem!)

That little old witch had perfect time

You'd think that she's a spy

HARRY/UMBRIDGE

Hem hem/Hem hem

Hem hem/Hem hem

HARRY

Miss Umbridge went "Hem Hem"

Big explosion in the marble staircase

Bombs all over the place

For a school in such anarchy

Would be a big disgrace

The Weasley twins set off those bombs

It made her all forlorn (Hem! Hem!)

They showed her that a young wizard

Is not someone to scorn

HARRY/UMBRIDGE

Hem hem/Hem hem

Hem hem/Hem hem

HARRY

Miss Umbridge went "Hem Hem"

Now we're leading her out the school

The forest we did go

Ms Umbridge following in back

The secret weapon we will show

We gave her up to the centaurs

And you could plainly hear

UMBRIDGE

Somebody won't you please get me out…

Get me out of here!

Hem! Hem! Hem! Hem! Hem! Hem! Hem! Hem!

Fat Umbridge

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the theme of Fat Albert

UMBRIDGE:

Hem! Hem! Hem!

HARRY

It's faaaat Umbridge

UMBRIDGE

I wanna spend some time with you

My quill's gonna show you a thing or two

You'll have some fun now with me in detention

Learnin' from your torment, feel the needle sting

Na na na gonna have a good time

Hem! Hem! Hem!

Na na na gonna have a good time

Na na na gonna have a good time

Hem! Hem! Hem!

Na na na gonna have a good time

What Should We Do With Dolores Umbridge?

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of What Shall We Do With a Drunken Sailor?

What should we do with Dolores Umbridge?

What should we do with Dolores Umbridge?

What should we do with Dolores Umbridge?

Early in the morning!

Throw her in woods with a hundred Centaurs!

Throw her in woods with a hundred Centaurs!

Throw her in woods with a hundred Centaurs!

Early in the morning!

She might escape and tell the Ministry!

She might escape and tell the Ministry!

She might escape and tell the Ministry!

Early in the morning!

Toss her in a cell with a Dementor!

Toss her in a cell with a Dementor!

Toss her in a cell with a Dementor!

Early in the morning!

Dementors said they're afraid of Umbridge!

Dementors said they're afraid of Umbridge!

Dementors said they're afraid of Umbridge!

Early in the morning!

Make her sign books for JK Rowling!

Make her sign books for JK Rowling!

Make her sign books for JK Rowling!

Early in the morning!

Rowling's afraid she'll scare the kiddies!

Rowling's afraid she'll scare the kiddies!

Rowling's afraid she'll scare the kiddies!

Early in the morning!

Suck out her soul with an incantation!

Suck out her soul with an incantation!

Suck out her soul with an incantation!

Early in the morning!

McGonagall says that "she doesn't have one!"

McGonagall says that "she doesn't have one!"

McGonagall says that "she doesn't have one!"

Early in the morning!

Make her kiss toads `til she finds a husband!

Make her kiss toads `til she finds a husband!

Make her kiss toads `til she finds a husband!

Early in the morning!

The Reptile Union will sue our fannies!

The Reptile Union will sue our fannies!

The Reptile Union will sue our fannies!

Early in the morning!

Make her set sail with Davy Jones' Ghost ship!

Make her set sail with Davy Jones' Ghost ship!

Make her set sail with Davy Jones' Ghost ship!

Early in the morning!

Davy's afraid that she'll scare the Kraken!

Davy's afraid that she'll scare the Kraken!

Davy's afraid that she'll scare the Kraken!

Early in the morning!

So what do you do with Dolores Umbridge!

What do you do with Dolores Umbridge!

What do you do with Dolores Umbridge!

Early in the morning!

The Bitch of Hogwarts

A filk by R.J. Lupin based on The Bitch of Living from Steven Sater and Duncan Sheik's Spring Awakening.

THE SCENE: Harry and the Gryffindor Boys complain in the empty DADA classroom about Umbridge at Hogwarts during their 5th year, using choreography extremely similar to that of the original song.

HARRY:

God, I think I may have lost it

I have snapped and hit the wall

As I cried out during Dark Arts

"You are so not right at all

Voldemort's back and it's his fault

Cedric's not with us this fall

I fought him and he's angry

We don't have time to stall"

She said, "Detention, Potter

Now here's a quill and scroll

Let me teach you how to handle all the lying in your soul

No, you won't need any magic

All your lies are quite too tall"

She said, "Let me deal with this, kid

You-Know-Who's not back at all"

BOYS:

She's the bitch of Hogwarts

RON:

Bitch, she's a bitch

BOYS:

Taking over school

RON:

She's a bitch, yeah

BOYS:

Just the bitch of Hogwarts

Wants us under her rule

HARRY:

See, each night it's like terrible

Cutting, bleeding out my hand

When I just want to play Quidditch

And she doesn't understand

And that pink office is sickly, I think my brain's gonna pop

And her cough, I mean, God please, go get her a cough drop

BOYS:

She's the bitch of Hogwarts

RON:

Bitch

BOYS:

Hem, hem, hem

She's making her decrees, daft rubbish decrees

Just the bitch of Hogwarts

Down at Fudge's knees

What's the Min'stry doing?

Oh who knows...

NEVILLE:

See her trying to sack teachers

DEAN:

Censoring with all her might

RON:

Looks so nasty in those pink bows

SEAMUS:

That old toad face isn't right

RON:

She's so crazy power hungry

She just wants Dumbledore gone

HARRY:

She's kissing Fudge's ass, man

When will they see they're wrong?

BOYS:

Wrong...

HARRY:

She's the bitch of Hogwarts

BOYS:

She's the bitch of Hogwarts

HARRY:

And she hates everyone

BOYS:

Everyone

She's the bitch

HARRY:

Of Hogwarts

Who's ruining all our fun

BOYS:

She's the bitch of Hogwarts

HARRY:

You watch me, just watch me

BOYS:

This bitch will make us die

HARRY:

I'm starting the D.A.

BOYS:

Just the bitch of Hogwarts

RON:

Afraid we'll all defy

HARRY:

All will know

BOYS:

She's the bitch of Hogwarts, Hogwarts

HARRY:

All will know

BOYS:

Now the Min'stry interferes

With the bitch of Hogwarts

HARRY:

Because they're full of fear

BOYS:

What a bad curse

It can't get worse

Oh God, what a bitch!