"SHE AIN'T HER"
She doesn't make me feel any way like the way Loveness did, she doesn't make me wanna give love a chance, she doesn't make me see the reason to make space for her in my bubble and that's just about enough signs for me to see that this another mismatch, just another girl who ain't her.
I keep telling these girls to give me some time, knowing damn well that I'm just trying to eliminate the part of being lonely but I've gotta be man enough to keep it real with myself, none of these girls can replace her. No matter how much I can try to find something familiar to what we had, I will always be in love with Miss Curious, unless the universe shows me the way to something better.
I wanna have somebody to talk to, somebody that will love me and somebody that I will make love to but it just doesn't feel right with anybody who isn't Loveness, my heart, body, mind and soul wants back every bit of the love we used share.
Nobody excites me like she did, nobody can turn me into the little boy I used to be when I would be in her arms and before I met her, I used to fuck with anybody but now, nobody can touch my body nor kiss me.
I keep my thoughts to myself, I keep the conversations dull and impersonal, I can't let anybody in, I keep coming back to what I had with my first love, maybe it's time that I let that part of my life go and start over on a new leaf.
"IS SHE STILL IN THERE?"
There used to be a girl who would stay in bed in silence, reading pages and pages of novels for hours, she used to stand in front of the stove from 4 to 6, she used to go for window shopping at the mall and then buy those clothes after some time.
There used to be a girl who would stay on the call with her lover for hours, she used to hold his hand like a handle, sometimes she would be all over him, lovey dovey and affectionate, she used to rub his hair and kiss his face.
She used to share her favourite parts of any novel she's just finished, while he'd sit down and rest his eyes on her pretty face, she would turn into a little girl in a candy store everytime she'd talk about her favourite novels.
I remember the time when it was very dusty outside, she was sitting in front of the heater, she had brought muffins and mushrooms for the time she'd spend with her lover.
There used to be a girl..
"FOR SO LONG"
I've been all over the place, looking for a piece of what I thought was home but all I've been going around are the same circles, I can feel my heart fuming with anger, resentment and disappointment. I can't wrap my mind around the things that have happened in the last 18 months, you could swear that I lost the biggest part of me.
Why are all of my efforts falling in vain, why can't I make a change? I'm doing all I can, I'm trying my best to start on a new page but everything in this universe leads me back to the point and place that used to bring me peace, love & light.
For some reason, my heart yearns for a conversation with her after a long day, my mind craves for her voice when I feel like my head is spinning around and it just makes me mad that she's still the place where my existence collects its peace.
I wanna run high with my head up, I wanna exceed in everything that'll lead me to the life that I never had, I wanna free my spirit from the sorrows that I've been dealing with for the last 18 months.
There's somebody in the back of my mind constantly, I've involved so many girls just so I could get a step further from everything that has her name in it but this heart in my chest continuously drives me off the right path and I don't know how to get back to the light.
I see pretty faces everywhere I go and maybe I should just free my mind, be a young man and pay my attention to the girls that give me pretty looks but, sometimes I fall victim to my own thoughts, I overthink everything and I allow doubt to cloud my self esteem, damn look what heartbreak has done to me.
I've been all over the place, searching for a way out of misery, heartbreak and loneliness.