As a child, I always had this dream; in it there were flowers of many kinds, a blue stream flowing from the top of a small hill down to where the flowers were. I would be dressed in one of those modern-day human clothes mother said once existed, a delicate cotton shirt with buttons at the front and jean trousers with boots, not the kind we saw on farmers, the kind that we only ever saw as pictures in books; leather boots with delicate buckles.
In this dream , mother and a blurred man I referred to as father would hold my hand and dance around with me, swinging me through the flower bed, I would be laughing loudly and my smile would be bigger than a Cheshire cat's.
I would cry when I woke up because I knew it was but a dream. Tonight was one of those nights . I willed the tears to stop but they flowed in excess so I allowed myself the moment.
There is something about being in the company of other people that reminds you of what you lack. Being surrounded by others often highlights the absence of certain elements in our lives, whether it's companionship, love, or a sense of belonging. As I lay there tears flowing freely from my eyes, the echoes of laughter and joy from my dream lingered in my mind, contrasting sharply with the silence of my room. The dream was a bittersweet reminder of the warmth and connection I yearned for, a stark difference from the solitude I felt upon waking, the solitude I felt whenever I realized it would always be a dream.
The door to my right opened and master walked out , he knocked on my door and waited for me to answer before coming in. I wiped the tears off my face although it was too dark for him to see it. He sat next to me he didn't say anything but I found a certain peace in his presence , a feeling of fullness that maybe the dream isn't real but it isn't as far off as I thought.
I didn't know I was still crying until master draws me into his arms and hugs me tightly. I stiffens at first but slowly begin to relax in his hold. I cry until the tears refuse to flow and only my sniffles are left resounding down the empty halls. Master stays quit through out this waiting till my sniffles almost end before asking," do you want to talk about it?"
I shake my head but deep down I just want to let it out. I want to ask why I have to live like that this? Why we can't live in the world they used to live in before? Why I never really got to meet my father? Why do I have to serve as master's slave and bare the brunt of his mother's hatred? Why can't my dream be a reality?
So many why's and not a single answer.
Master nods bringing me closer to his body. He wraps his bony long fingers around me allowing his nails settle around my slender waist. He coils his pinky finger around my waist long white hair and releases it . He kissed the top of my head in an all too familiar gesture of I'll be here when your ready.
I know it's wrong to be comfortable like this, with my master serving me, petting me, not as a pet but as someone trying to comfort another soul. It's wrong for me to cling to him and share my burden with him, to keep him up all night working for me but somehow I don't care. Somehow, it doesn't matter that others won't like seeing our weird relationship, it doesn't matter that his mother hates me and would hate me more if she saw this moment,it didn't matter that rumors would spread, it didn't matter that he might be married soon, it didn't matter that the other slaves where planning something, it didn't matter whether master actually loved me or not, all that mattered at this moment, was he was here.
Peace filled my heart replacing the sadness and grief the dream brought, a smile spread across my face as I pondered how something so wrong can feel so right at the same time.