The nurse who was on night shift had just left half an hour ago .
Liam was keeping check on me until his sister had arrived and he had gone downstairs to greet her .
I was left alone for fifteen minutes mostly . Apparantly, that time was enough for me to get up , wear a dress and heels and do my hair and wear lipstick - all with a body that could not even walk for a minute .
It was a wonder that I did not fall down the stairs . I could see in his face how much Liam was blaming himself for this .
" I thought that this will probably happen just at night , not in daylight like this ," he told the doctor.
So he knew all along that I was sleepwalking. He knew that and never bothered to mention it to me .
But how could I blame him , when I was the one making this difficult for him ?
My right hand had swelled in a painful red ball . Getting out the IV was a nightmare, not to mention the pain in my back and ankles were back .
The doctor was recommending more pain killers and how it would be better if one of my arm was bound to the bed while sleeping.
I hated that idea . It made me feel like an animal. Even when I knew that it was for my own good , I did not think that I would be able to sleep with a leash on me .
Finally , Dr.Ravesh came to visit me. I wondered how come he could not do it when Liam was sick . Well , it was our fault anyway . We wanted the appointment to be as secret as possible.
The doctor asked for several things like my dreams and feeling - everything felt kind of secondary to the actual talk I had been waiting for .
I assumed that he would not lie to my face like my husband did .
" For how long have I been sleepwalking?," I asked the doctor .
He put down his notepad and smiled at me ," How long do you think ?"
" For a while , I assume," I looked down ," Maybe that's why you greeted me like I was very familiar to you when I took Liam to meet you ."
" Yes , I have known you for a long time Mrs. Anderson," he told me with honesty.
I sighed in relief. I wanted this honesty. When everyone around me felt like strangers and liars , I wanted someone to tell me the truth .
Someone I could trust .
" Well , why could I not remember you ? Or anything about sleepwalking?," I asked him again .
" Mrs. Anderson, sometimes things happen to us that we do not like to remember," his voice was soothing," There are things our brain tells us to forget about so we can go on living ."
" Like bad memories ?"
" Exactly, the bad memories ."
I considered his answers for a while ," Yes , I dreamt bits and pieces of my past . They were not exactly pleasant ."
" You had been going through a lot , didn't you ? That could be the reason the memories resurfaced again."
" I think that I have done this before , one night ," I tried to recall it ," The night my husband got sick . I do not remember exactly what happened but I was standing in the dining room back then."
He noded. There was no question or judgment in his eyes .
" Will they come back again ? The memories?,' I asked him.
" Sooner or later maybe you will start to remember things or they could be lost forever ," the doctor said ,"How do you feel about it ?"
I thought for a while and then answered as honestly as possible ( since the doctor had shown me honesty , I assumed that he took deserved the same from me ), " I do not really like the idea of remembering things ....for instance, I hate how the past few months had disabled more than my own body ..I would be more relieved if I could just forget every - bad memories."
How wonderful that would be , I thought to myself, without the chains and the scars dug deep in my heart , I felt like I could be more free
" Would you not like to know more about yourself? ," Dr.Ravesh urged ," You seemed like you are quiet upset at your husband for not telling you about your sleepwalking."
" That's because," my eyes searched for Liam , he was not in the room with us ,but I could not be sure if he was not listening from the outside," I keep being more at his debt like this."
" Does your marriage have to be a transaction?," the doctor smiled ," There is no measurement or debts in a marriage Mrs. Anderson. That is how unconditional love works ."
" Easy for you to say when you are happily married ," I pointed out , recalling the warm house in the middle of nowhere
that smelled like freshly baked pies.
He laughed," There is up and down in every marriage, Mrs.Anderson . The best you can do is listen to each other, try to understand and forgive."
Forgive for cheating ?
I rolled my eyes , already tired of this conversation," Can you prescribe me some good sleeping medicine?"
" Sleeping medicine won't stop you from sleepwalking, and you are already on pain relief. More medication,now will just harm your nerves ," he started to write on his notepad," I am going to recommend some free hand exercises and advise you to meditate before sleeping ."
" Thank you for your time ," I noded ," I will call someone to see you out ."
" No need ," he got up and then turned to look at me for last time ," Before trying to understand and forgive your husband, why don't you do it for yourself at first ? I assume that you have much to talk about with your own self. So take a step and start somewhere, if you can . Have a good day Mrs. Anderson."
Again he suggested something unfortunately our of my hand . Since there was no way I could forgive myself for the things I had done and I hated it how my doctor seemed to be well aware of it .