The quiet peace of the grave was suddenly torn apart by a sharp voice from behind them.
"What are you doing here?!"
Nathan flinched, startled beyond measure. The voice cut through the air like a blade pulled from its sheath. Slowly, he looked up, his eyes landing on the figure standing a few steps behind Papa.
The woman…
Her skin was pale, lined with wrinkles, her hair pinned neatly in a bun though streaked with gray. Her gaze was piercing, angry and cold. Yet her face, God, her face… it so closely resembled the beautiful woman who so often appeared in Nathan's visions.
She looked like Maria, only older.
"You killed my husband!" she cried, her voice trembling with rage.
"You killed my daughter too! And you still dare to come here?!"
Papa quickly rose to his feet, tightening his hold on Nathan.
"Mother…" he called softly, trying to calm the storm. "I just wanted Nathan to know his mother."
"Don't call me Mother!" the woman snapped, her eyes blazing.
"I am Madame Suyoto! Nothing more, nothing less!"
Nathan stared, bewildered, afraid. He couldn't fully grasp what was happening, but the weight of it pressed on him, heavier than the moment he first entered the world.
Why is this woman so furious? Why is she blaming Papa? What does she mean, Papa killed Mama? Wasn't it Papa who carried me, who brought me here, who said Mama was the only woman he ever loved?
He felt Papa's body tense, his breath caught, as though he wanted to speak but chose silence instead.
Then Madame Suyoto's voice came again, lower this time, yet far more chilling:
"If it hadn't been for you, Maria would still be alive. You forced her into marriage right after her father died. You made her pregnant… and she died on the operating table. And now you come here with the very child who killed her?"
Nathan jolted.
Me? I killed Mama? No! I… I never wanted Mama to die!
His cries burst out, wails of an infant, yet heavy with the sorrow of a soul too young to speak.
Papa clutched him tightly, but even that embrace could not erase the wound those words had just carved.
"Forgive me," Papa whispered, his head bowed to Madame Suyoto.
But the woman only turned and walked away without a glance back, leaving a cold weight hanging in the morning air.
---
On the way back from the grave, Nathan's body was tired, but his eyes stayed open. In the back seat, Papa handed him a milk bottle. Nathan stared at it first before drinking, then let out a long sigh through his tiny nose.
"I'm like a little calf… drinking from a bottle like this…" he grumbled inwardly, yet still gulped it down to the last drop because it tasted so good.
The car rolled on again, down the same road, though it somehow felt lighter now. Midday air slipped in through the half-open window. Nathan was drifting toward sleep, but his eyes shot open when he heard Papa's voice from the front seat.
"You're already one year old now, Son…" Papa said softly, almost as if speaking to Maria's shadow beside him. "Big enough to see your Mama's face. Later I'll show you her picture at home."
Nathan, who had been half-asleep, instantly kicked his legs into the air, his eyes shining. From his little mouth came a burst of cheer, "Ah-ba! Ba-ba!"
It probably meant, "Yes, Pa! I want to see Mama!"
Only Papa could guess the meaning of that babble, and he smiled faintly behind the wheel.
"Just a little longer, Son. We're almost home."
---
When they arrived home, Papa didn't immediately take him out of the car. He sat for a moment, staring out the window, then looked back. "Come on, son," he said softly as he lifted Nathan out of the baby carrier.
They went inside, and Papa brought him straight to the room that had always been kept closed, Papa's room.
The room hadn't changed much since Maria left. The air inside felt quieter, as if it held unfinished memories. On a shelf sat a large photo album bound in dark brown leather. Papa took it carefully, then sat on the floor, holding Nathan upright between his knees.
"This is Mama," Papa whispered as he opened to the first page.
The moment the page opened, Nathan's eyes widened. Yes… The woman who had been appearing faintly in his mind was there. A pale, clear face, shoulder-length hair softly falling, a smile that was warm yet carried an echo of loneliness. Maria Suyoto, Mama. Mama.
Nathan stared closely. That's Mama! I remember! That's the Mama I used to talk to from inside her belly!
Beside him, Papa stood in a suit. To Nathan's baby eyes, Papa's face looked funny and stiff, like someone trying to look brave but almost wanting to laugh. But that didn't hold Nathan's attention. He pointed at Mama's eyes in the photo. Her eyes. There was sadness there.
"Why, Mama?" Nathan murmured inside. "Wasn't Papa supposed to love Mama very much? Why did Mama look sad on her happy day?"
His small hand tried to turn to the next page, but his fingers weren't strong enough yet. Papa chuckled softly and helped flip the pages one by one. They looked through wedding moments, Mama sitting on the bridal dais, Mama standing beside Papa, Mama laughing with family.
Nathan didn't stop looking at that face. He tried to memorize every curve, every smile, every strand of hair.
Mama… I miss you, even though I never truly saw you while you were alive…
Papa sighed quietly and then closed the album. He stared off, into a past that seemed to stand before him again. Nathan, still resting in his lap, hugged the album as if it were the embrace of a mother who never had the chance to hold him.
Nathan gazed at Papa with hopeful eyes. In his little mind, he wanted to ask, "Are there more photos, Pa? When Mama was still a girl? Or when she was pregnant with me? I want to see Mama a little longer…"
But his tiny lips couldn't form those words yet. What came out instead was a soft babble full of curiosity, "Pa… Ma… ah… ah…"
Papa looked at him, gave a bittersweet smile, and gently stroked his child's soft curls. "You miss Mama, don't you?" he whispered, as if answering Nathan's unspoken thoughts.
Nathan gave a faint nod, though no one could tell if it was just a reflex or truly a reply. His eyes stayed fixed on the album now closed on Papa's lap.
Papa's gaze shifted toward the cabinet in the corner. For a moment he hesitated, then he stood, lifting Nathan in his arms. Slowly, he opened the cabinet. Inside, neatly kept, was a small wooden box.
He took it out and sat back down with Nathan. Opening the box, he revealed several old photographs, Mama during her college days, standing in a field of flowers, laughing with her friends. And, Nathan nearly squealed with joy inside, one photo of Maria holding her round belly, smiling at the camera. That's me! I was in there! I was in Mama's belly!
"This is Mama when she was pregnant with you," Papa said softly, his voice trembling.
Nathan stared at the photo intently, then turned his gaze to Papa. "Thank you, Pa… You kept all of this safe. That means Mama was never truly gone."
And even though all that came out of his mouth was, "Ah… ah… ahhh…" this time, his tears spoke for him.
---