Itachi no unmei -イタチの運命-
(The Destiny of Itachi)
Part 9 : My sleeping sufferings
Madara's darkness had ceased. I was back home. At least, my home since I'd left Konoha. Yet, despite the light illuminating the room, I felt even more in the dark than before.
I felt empty, both in my stomach and in my body. Yet I wasn't hungry, nor did I have the slightest desire. I just didn't know... what I wanted.
Madara's revelations had brought me back to a reality I'd stopped imagining, that of failure. Had I really already failed? Yes, I'd failed to convince my father and my people not to stage their coup, but in the end, I'd succeeded, by eliminating them. But today, the fear of failure was gripping me to an unbearable degree.
With Sasuke and the village, I couldn't fail. They mattered more than anything... Yet if I died... It would all be over. That's why I had to toughen up my brother as much as possible, to prepare him for the slightest danger... But in the end... Was it really the right thing to do?
Madara's words still resonated within me. I was beginning to realize that my plan was not infallible. Of course, I'd suspected it at the outset, but I'd vaguely forgotten about it, tucked it away in a corner of my mind, never to become aware of it again.
But worst of all... In this story... I realized how much we looked alike. Here I was, thinking I was acting like a shadow Hokage, compared to a monster who ruthlessly attacked his own village.
In the end... Was he really wrong? I'd done anything for my little brother... Sacrificing the rest of the Uchiha. Rational thought wouldn't do that... So, like him, I acted according to my desires, while being constrained on certain points.
What really set us apart was that I had done everything for the village. He had abandoned his people simply because of a difference of will or ideals, and today he didn't even feel the slightest compassion for them.
And, above all, I had the same desire as him to create a world of peace for ninjas and the rest of the globe, but not to the point of creating an artificial peace. I didn't want people to live in ignorance of reality; I wanted to see, with my own eyes, a world of real peace, desired by its inhabitants.
Deep down, I knew that a world of total peace was just a utopia, an impossible desire, but I wanted to keep clinging to it in spite of everything. Such was... My Nindo. My ninja way.
Even so, I had exterminated my own family. My own clan. Was I really blessed with a certain sensitivity? My one and only desire had been to spare my brother... But... And the rest? Deep down... Who did I love?
I may have been described as a certain genius, but my thinking was limited by certain things. There were elements... I didn't understand. All my life, I'd wanted happiness for everyone, without knowing if I really loved those people. My only desire was... To never again see that nightmare of corpses I'd seen on my 4th birthday.
In the end, maybe I'd done it all out of selfishness. In the same way, I had refused to execute my brother despite the problems it might cause... Out of selfishness. Everyone I'd killed... Did I really love them?
Within my clan, I obviously loved my best friend and mentor, Shisui. But he was different. He hadn't died in the massacre, but long before, because of Danzô.
But what about the rest? Obviously, there were my parents. But they... That was different. I'd never really had a close relationship with them. Killing them tore my heart out, sure, but they'd accepted the death, and so had I. I'd never had a close relationship with them.
Who? Who really in the Uchiha clan... Did I regret killing? I was looking for the answer... But I couldn't find anyone. In my memories, I even killed some for pleasure. Those responsible for the coup... Who also put pressure on my father... People filled with hatred...
But in the end... Did they really deserve to die? No. I'd had that answer for a long time. But I also knew I had no choice... On the other hand, did they really deserve... To enjoy killing them? Obviously not. Except that... It wasn't necessary for the survival of the village.
I had just become fully aware of it. I was a monster. I'd played with lives, I remembered humiliating them... All to satisfy... revenge. Exactly what I was instilling in Sasuke today.
Me? Do I deserve to live? No. I didn't think so. But, today, I was living far worse than death, wasn't I? No. No, because in the end I hadn't suffered that much for what I'd done. Of course I had, with Shisui and my parents... But one can get over the death of a friend or one's parents, especially for a realist like me.
What's up? Had I really suffered? Was there someone whose death I regretted to the point of perpetual suffering? No. No, there wasn't. Absolutely not. I mean... I think I...
I had to... I had to be sure. I needed proof. As traumatized as I'd been by my actions that night... I'd forgotten some of the details over the years... Maybe on purpose.
Am I in denial? It was possible... But... I had to be sure. I needed formal proof. What exactly had been my feelings when I'd committed this crime?
Suddenly, I don't know how or why... Well, perhaps I suspected why, a desire deep inside me, without being aware of it... My pupils took the shape of three tomoes, rolled... I had unconsciously activated my Mangekyou Sharingan.
My left pupil burned. Warm blood poured into my eye, then ran down my face until it reached my cheek, then down my face and splashed onto the floor.
An intense pain ran through my eye, so much so that I tried to close it, to soothe it. But I couldn't... I felt like... Under control... How...?
— Argh!» I chuckled, spasming with pain.
I no longer had control over my left pupil. It was manipulating itself. This could only mean one thing... I had unconsciously inflicted the Tsukuyomi on myself.
The pain, this world of darkness, this emptiness, everything I'd felt... had taken eco in my genjutsu. A power that springs from the pain of the heart and traps those who suffer most...
«Tsukuyomi»
The spell had been activated. All by itself. Suddenly, everything was blacker, blacker than ever. I plunged into the surrounding darkness, drawn in like a magnet. I had become a mere soul... Light, like... Dead.
— Itachi...»
— Itachi...»
— Itachi...»
— Itachi...»
— Itachi...»
Voices were calling me from all sides, drawing me in.
— Your plan is destined to fail.»
It was Madara's voice now, overriding all others.
— Compared to yours, our pain will only last a moment.»
And now... My parents... The day I killed them.
— It's good to have a goal in life, but when it becomes obsessive, that goal can turn into a dead end. Keep that in mind.»
Shisui's words... That was before he died. I had them... forgotten them. His words... resonated within me. They pierced me, entering, penetrating my soul.
— I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!» I screamed.
Tears flowed from my eyes, mixing with the blood emanating from my left eye. Now I was in pain. I was really suffering. I'd forgotten... All these details... Why had I forgotten? Why exactly?
I had buried the memories that were hardest to bear, that kept me from my goal... But they remained there, engraved in my mind. My pupils were fed by them...
— I don't want to live anymore. I no longer have the will.»
I had finally said what had been nagging at me for so long... What I had forgotten, forcing myself to live in a false reality. I'd lost the true face of my humanity. In the end, was I so different from Madara?
And just like the other Madara, I had passed myself off as someone else, which I was not. The whole thing... To justify my actions, my ideals. I'd also forgotten... That everyone had a different opinion. And therefore, moreover, that I wasn't necessarily right. I wasn't a rocket scientist.
So... I lamented my fate... I suffered intensely, becoming aware of what I had erased for so long. I felt this deep emptiness, more present in me than ever. I felt... The desire to die, more present again.
— Thanks... Itachi...»
— !!!»
I didn't just hear voices, I now had images. And... I could only hear one voice in my head. Like a... I could only see one person. Lurking there, watching me, a smile on her lip.
I had it... Completely forgotten.
The death that really had the greatest impact on me... It wasn't my parents or Shisui. It was someone else entirely. Someone... I had decided to erase from my memory.
Suddenly, blood poured from his mouth. His eyes remained fixed, unmoving. Then she collapsed, her eyelids blinking, as if soothed. She was dead.
She was dead.
She was dead.
She wad... Dead.
— Ugh!»
This time, it wasn't just a groan of physical pain, it was psychological too. My heart was in pain. My brain, which was awakening, too.
I saw the scene again. I took him in my arms. That day, before killing her, I had subjected her to genjutsu. Specifically, my Tsukuyomi.
I had made him live... The life she wanted to see. A life... Without the Uchiha Clan coup. I was astonished when I saw this life... I was there. I was... His companion. I saw... Our children, our grandchildren. The pride in my parents' eyes... And in hers, though dead. Was... beautiful.
That night, I hadn't really thought about what I'd done to her. In fact, I'd just wanted to give him a good death, as a friend, out of compassion. I was in a hurry... I wanted to wipe out the Clan as quickly as possible, before it was too late to continue.
As a result, I hadn't really noticed the reality behind her feelings. I offered her what she wanted to see, then walked away, continuing my progression... down this truciduous path.
My heart will be. After that, I'd forgotten all about her. It was as if... She'd never existed. It's so sad... To come to that. My memories had been deliberately erased, to lessen my pain, driven by my desire to achieve my goals.
All this... I'd also done it against Shisui's wishes. He would never have been able to bring himself to exterminate the Clan... Him. And above all, he had warned me about my objectives. In the end, even before Madara, he had foreseen my downfall. He had predicted... my death.
— Thanks... Itachi...»
The voice resounded inside me again. It pierced not only my body, but also my heart. This time... I no longer felt the warmth just in my eye, I felt it throughout my body and, above all, in my heart. It was the same for my suffering.
Cold tears, like a hailstorm, rolled down my eyes. My whole body trembled. My eyelids grew heavy. My lips hung down, out of control, all trembling. I could no longer support my body. My body could no longer support my head.
— Ugh... Uh... Uh... Ugh...»
I was crying. But real, intense crying. The last time I'd felt like that... was when my parents died, when I'd realized... what I'd done, and the consequences it entailed. Even Shisui's death hadn't been as painful.
— Ha... Ha... Ha... Aaaah!!!»
I had screamed at the top of my lungs, venting all my anger at myself, my desire for suicide, my suffering, my determination... All my feelings.
I glanced again at the woman in front of me. She was still... In the arms of the me from the past, dead as a doornail. Blood oozed onto the floor of her house, and onto me. Her eyelids closed, she was peaceful, but I still disappointed her desire... To live. She wanted to live what I'd shown her... Not in the form of illusions, but in the form of reality.
— I'm really sorry... Izumi...» I cried loudly.
I was trembling. My vision blurred. Everything blurred... Then I sank. Definitely.
*****
— Itachi...»
All around me, the world was shining. I was in an infinite ocean. The sky was bright blue, clothed in ferns. The sun illuminated the vast infinite expanse where I stood.
I then looked at the ground. At the bottom of the water was a wide expanse of sand and seaweed in perfect harmony. And then... Looking down, I realized... I was naked.
I slowly raised my head, tired. Facing me, I saw him. She was staring at me with a look that was indecipherable to me, her naked body buttered with sea water.
— Izumi...»
📖To be Continued...📖