I'm home now, relief floods my insides. I can finally let everything go. Forget about it all and sleep, rest my eyes, body, and soul. I haven't had that in a while. I needed it.
I wake up at 10pm the next day. My head aches really badly. And I feel sick to my stomach. I slept for about 16 hours. That's not normal. I don't think it is. I gather my remaining strength and get into the shower. I turn the tap to run warm, and nothing feels better than this. Hot water on my scalp, my skin, cleansing me completely.
I leave my room to go and find food to eat. I don't want to make noise so I just grab an apple. I don't think I can sleep again, I turn the TV on in my room and watch a horror movie, Doctor Sleep. It's quite nice, and by nice I mean scary enough. But not too much.
My phone! I completely forgot I had one. I find it under my pillow, fully charged. I unlock it and connect it to my WiFi and check my messages on Snapchat. Of course, he's texted me, Oliver, my "lovestruck" roommate from school. I open his text and reply. I'm honestly tired of this, of him but we're friends, I whatever weird way but still, friends. I just don't know how to tell him that I don't like any of it.
Over the next few weeks, we text and video chat a lot....and I mean a lot. The inappropriateness is still there but there are some genuine moments I'm actually happy. He's a good friend, I think. He just has to treat me like a normal boy. That'll be it. I don't want another incident to happen. I wouldn't want that. But I'm not attracted to him, no. That's good.
Jared texted me a few days back after I posted something on my story, saying that I didn't text him to tell him I'd arrived at home. I told him I forgot. I told him I'd lost all the books I'd downloaded on my phone and that I felt lazy redownloading them, he asked me later whether I had. How very caring of him. He still unsettled me out though. It was all so sudden,him talking to me,especially since he was asking me for money. Like?? What was that supposed to mean. Well it wasn't my job to decode the meaning to the actions of strange boys, he'd stop when he got what he wanted, which I assume is money. Why he's coming to me for it, I can't tell just yet. But my guess is that he thinks I'm some fool, a child he can mould to his own shape with sharp carefully calculated words. I wasn't, and I most definitely wouldn't fall for his tricks.
He was loud, in class. Uncouth, with no manners, he and his friends, of course they chose to sit at the back, where most of his kind of people dwelled. Our texts didn't last for long, as Oliver's did, but like everything, they came to an end, and I was quite relieved.
During this time I was reading a book by Agatha Christie, "And Then There Were None" it's quite interesting, very suspenseful too.
Attending extra classes was a daily struggle, I didn't fit anywhere properly, I decided to sit in the front, by a girl I used to have a crush on back in the day. I think I still liked her, but I couldn't be very sure. Not after all that had happened. I come back home tired each day and just sleep my life away. Sometimes, I do manage to read a little before though. I haven't completely strayed from my textbooks yet. The fact that we're getting close to reopening frightens me a little. All I can think about is Samuel, whether he's told anyone. I hate not knowing, being in the dark about things that directly affect me. But I'm patient, I'll wait this and see it through.
I can't!! I have to send him a message. I'm such a coward, going against my own words.
I send him a text with his nickname.
"See, don't worry me o" that's his reply.
That's his reply!!!! As if I'm a demon, chasing him everywhere he goes, choking him, invading his breathing space. I am so mad right now. I reply back telling him what he's making things look like.
Do you think this is a joke?? Things can never be there same between us...bla bla bla. Something along these lines is his reply, I honestly can't remember right now but yes. I hate that boy so much right now. Who's he acting for? You held your dick up for me to suck and now you're playing the victim? I couldn't say this though. If he ever told anyone and I said this and he said it wasn't true, they'd believe him over me. People just look at me and think I do these things even without knowing me. They gossip about me, a complete stranger with their friends when I walk past. Because of the way I walk, the way I talk, how I act, they say. Which in my opinion is perfectly normal. But the world doesn't run based on my opinions, so why should it based on theirs? I'm so tired of everything, of everyone. I hate everything and everyone! The type of hate that bounces back and attacks you, the bearer, the type of hate that can kill you if you dont learn to let it go.
I wonder what it'll do to me.