The next few days are a blur to me, I don't really notice much. Things come and go as fast as I blink my eyes. Ah, yes! A little fiasco that happened at my vacation class today. I hit someone, a girl. The way I say I hit her, you'd think it was aggressive, but it wasn't. I didn't even use my full palm, just my fingertips. But it was flesh against flesh so it made quite a sound. This is what happened
.. the girl stepped on my feet a couple of times, with the bottom of her shoe too!!! I drew her attention to it. She apologised, but just kept on doing it. I say doing it because I don't think it was accidental, see. So she did it again, and out of instinct, my hand just hit her shoulder. The sound was rather loud and I felt very bad and embarrassed after that. The teacher asked why I did that and when I told him he said, oh but you shouldn't have hit her like that. That made me feel even worse. It wasn't even a hard hit!!! It was the skin-to-skin impact that made the loud noise. I apologised to her several times because of how bad and uncomfortable I was and she said she wouldn't talk to me ever again. I thought she was joking but she did something after the class closed to cement her point of ignoring me. Now, I was mad. It was a reflex action. I had no control over it, but sure whatever, I'm not going to force myself to talk to her. These two girls were just staring at me, judging me openly. They were doing a bad job at hiding it. I don't even think they were trying to, honestly. I'm so sure they were calling me all the bad names they could find, I stared right back at them, waiting for them to come and say it to my face, they could not.
I met her in town, the girl I mistakenly hit. This was my chance to show her that I didn't care if we didn't talk. She was with her dad, her dad spike to me, a conversation I didn't enjoy very much. When they were leaving, she said goodbye to me. Now, I'm so confused. All the energy I'd built up to ignore her just made me tired honestly. I wanted her to ignore me. The fewer the people who wanted to talk to me, the better for me. Butttttt, maybe she was only joking. I do tend to take things way out of proportion for my own good. I have to control it, if not stop entirely.
Sometimes I think about how foolish i was back in middle school, upper primary and junior high here in Ghana. The way I liked this boy who was a year younger, my junior liberally. How i sat and thought about us, doing things. So much so that I gave him some sort of power over me. His friends too. He once pinned me up against the wall in his class. I honestly can't remember why. But I can remember myself shaking after that as I walked back to my classroom. I do still remember his full name. As always I had hope. Just the slightest that he liked me back. A friend of his, short, ugly with very fat unattractive lips once had the guts to ask me the question. No, I said. But after that a I could think was, what am I doing to myself? Letting children make me uncomfortable, get in my head. Never again. Never!!! I was so angry. And I hated myself even more for putting myself in such a position. And I hated them too, for overstepping the boundary of friendship for abusing it, to make me feel bad about myself, as if I'm less of a human being. That must be it, that's what they think, that they're better than me. I'd show them, all of them! No one would ever mess with me again. Now I just feel like sleeping, as it is all the time after I fume internally. It drains my entire soul and makes me tired to my bones.
I just want to forget everything, who I am, what I've done, the people I know, who think I like or perhaps love. I do not! Why can't they see that? Why can't they see that they're hurting me? I would never do any of this to anyone, not even if the person killed someone close to me. But that would be because of my lack of zeal, motive. Not everyone is as detached as me, I guess.