Sometimes I really think about what will happen if my best friends found out just how dark I'd become. How my parents would look at me in disgust, shun me, offer me to priests to pray for me. After all, it is a spirit, not me. An evil spirit, causing me to like boys, as a boy. I honestly didn't care much about my parents' opinion, but my best friends? It would take some time to really tell how I would feel about that. Some part of me felt like they'd understand me, comfort me. I never asked to be like this.
Sometimes I sit and think about it. Why I act like a girl. People had asked me so much that I'd started wondering myself. I dug up a narrative, an answer to tell them, anyone if they ever asked me again. I thought then that they would sympathise with me. See that it's not my fault. See my pain, my sadness and stop asking me. I don't even think I told anyone, so here it is. Let me tell you.
You see when I was vvery young, the last born son at the time. I had an elder sister. But then I became the second born child when my little sister came. My older sister loved children a lot. She was quite fond of them. That is even an understatement. She was very fond of them.
She had pinned me down, my older sister, my little sister was standing by her crying. I don't know how I got on the floor, or why my little sister was crying. Beat him, she said. My little sister wiped her face, and they both started scratching me with their nails. I don't think any permanent damage was done, and by that I mean I can't remember. I also can't remember whether or not I cried. But one thing kept ringing through my head, I was no longer the favourite, and my older sister would play by my baby sister's rules now. I had to stay in line. I'd be crazy not to. And that's how it all begun i suppose. Playing with them carefully, making sure not to upset either one of them. It would be my head. Letting them dress me up. Doing as they asked me. I was just a child, I wanted to have fun too. I don't think any of them would remember this though, they never do, none of them ever do. Maybe I even made it up, my mind racing to search for an excuse for my "abominable" behaviour. Looking for someone else to point a finger at other than myself. But I know within my heart that it did not make this up. I must've been a sad child. I don't think i was quite talkative then, i certainly am now though. I do wonder what changed. All during that time- I can't even remember how old I was, I prayed every day, every night, for a brother. One of my own kind, and i mean sex. Who would understand me. Who would play with me. Who would free me from this mini- tyranny. My wish was granted, but far too late. I'd grown out of it, playing by the time my little brother could walk. A shame, truly.
To say it started with my sisters would be a lie. Or maybe not who knew? But like I said I do not remember how old I was, all I can remember is what happened. Dark it is, or might be? That depends. But this time it didn't happen based on my merit. Not at all. Never. I was only a child. Sometimes I think about how things would've been different if that never happened. How I would've been "normal" in society.
"I love you", he whispered to me. We were behind the curtains, sitting, and he was kissing me. I just mouthed it back. "I love you", not knowing what it meant. I was far too young to know. And Then boy in question? My lovely half-brother. Isn't he the jackpot? Taking advantage of a child like that. You sure would like to meet him. He has a winning personality. Trust me.
Fuck him! I hate him so much!
I must have been five or six. He was a freaking teenager. He ruined me, my whole life just like that. It happened several times. I can't remember what would lead to that but I can remember him kissing me, whispering that he loved me, me whispering it back, always behind a curtain. A fucking curtain.
The next time it happened i must have been nine or ten. His exact age i don't know. He told all my siblings to go amd play outside. I think they asked why I wasn't coming. I can't remember what he told them that convinced them to leave without me.
When we went to my room, he told me to lie down. I did. He said he was going to show me wrestling skills. Stupid, right?
He did some stupid moves which I don't know the names of, then he'd jump on me, kiss me, push his groin into mine and jump back right after continue his "little show".
At this point I was quite into the whole thing, I wanted his raw dick on me, it was quite big, wanted it all. I don't know why he wouldn't just remove his shorts. He started this, why was he afraid to go the next step? I don't know how ot ended but no, no raw dick action, nothing. He's quite ugly, a taint on my skin I can't remove. Maybe he made me like this. I can't say. But i would have been normal if none of this ever happend right? I would've liked girls and all that. Shy, yes I was, scared of people, yes. But i would have grown out of all that eventually right?
Yes, surely that is what would've happened. I would have been normal. I wouldn't have to process these complex emotions all the time.
I wouldn't have to hate people simply because they'd hate me for what I was, who I chose to love. It wasn't right. But it's not my fault is it? How i want someone to tell me that. Hold me as I cry and tell me that, and still love me afterwards.
I am not of my own making.
I am what you made me.
There are darker things still.