Dec 1993 – Spawn Point
Light. Screaming. Chaos.
That's the best way to describe being born again.
My new twin sister, Hailey, blasted out of the womb with her lungs set to max volume, wailing like she was auditioning for a heavy metal band. Meanwhile, I blinked against the hospital lights, silent, my thirty-year-old consciousness rebooting in a newborn body.
Spawn Point achieved.
Welcome to Sitcom Sims
Difficulty: Hardcore.
Somewhere outside, I could still hear Phil Dunphy being dragged away by nurses after comparing childbirth to "a large dump." That was my dad now. Just great.
I tried to laugh, but all that came out was a wet gurgle.
In my head, an imaginary HUD appeared:
Neil Dunphy – Save Point [Dec 1993]
Status: Newborn
Stats: STR 0, DEX 0, INT ???
Skills: [Cry], [Latch & Suckle]
Achievements:
[Spawn Point] – Congratulations! You've respawned as a Dunphy. No refunds, no rerolls.
---
'ROB, you bastard,' I thought. 'Not even a starter kit. Just a potato body and a screaming roommate. I'll get you someday.'
---
Jan 1994 – Tutorial Grind
The first month was brutal.
I had no muscles. None. I couldn't roll over. Couldn't even hold my own head. My body was a floppy sack of bones with a brain rattling around inside.
'In my past life, I typed 100 words a minute. Now? I drool if I try to smile. Nerf of the century.'
The worst part? Feeding.
Never thought I'd be back here, latched to a boob, drinking human secretion like it was the only thing keeping me alive.
Spoiler: it was.
HP: 10/10 (+10)
'This is both humiliating and amazing. ROB is laughing at me right now. Probably recording this for godly TikTok.'
Hailey? She screamed constantly. Every two hours, without fail.
Me? I only cried when it mattered—hungry, wet diaper, or actual pain. No unnecessary theatrics.
'Efficiency. Cry too much and they'll mistake you for needing endless mucus from mammary glands. No thank you.'
Claire whispered to Phil one night: "It's like Neil only cries when it matters."
'Hell Yes. I do!'
Crying is a resource. Don't spam it. Mom doesn't understand hoarding.
Save Point [Jan 1994]
Progress: Survived first month
Skills:
[Tactical Aversion] – Avoid things you don't want by perfect timing: crying, rolling away, or pretending to sleep.
Achievements:
[Tutorial Complete] – Learned the basics of drool, poop, and sleep deprivation. Reward: parental suspicion.
---
Apr 1994 – First Movement
At four months, I finally crawled forward. Wobbly arms, clumsy knees, but progress.
'Yes! Movement unlocked! Freedom achieved!'
But an even bigger achievement?
Solid food.
'Finally. No more forced drinking of human secretion. Dignity restored… partially.'
Hailey, meanwhile, flopped uselessly on her stomach and screamed until someone picked her up.
Phil clapped like I'd won gold. "Explorer Neil! Future astronaut!"
Jay muttered from his chair: "Future quarterback"
Dede swirled her wine. "Future divorce lawyer. He already wants out of this family."
'Not wrong,' I thought.
Save Point [Apr 1994]
Movement: [Crawl] unlocked
Achievements:
[Early Mover] – Crawl before your twin. Parents impressed, sister jealous.
---
Jul 1994 – First Word
Dinner time. Phil was making airplane noises with peas for Hailey.
"Here comes the choo-choo plane! Wait… planes don't choo-choo, do they?"
My patience broke. I opened my mouth and spoke my first word:
"Dumb."
The room froze.
Phil gasped. "Did you hear that?! His first word! Dunph!"
Claire blinked. "…Dunph?"
"Yeah!" Phil grinned proudly. "Short for Dunphy! He's saying our family name. First word was family pride! My boy!"
I groaned internally.
'No, idiot dad! I said dumb. As in you.'
Claire narrowed her eyes. "Phil. It sounded like dumb. Which makes way more sense."
Phil laughed nervously. "Nah. Definitely Dunph. Pride in the family."
HUD flickered.(Still imagined)
Save Point [Jul 1994]
First Word: "Dumb" (misheard as "Dunph")
Achievements:
[Insult Dad] – Call your father dumb before you turn one. Bravery +100.
---
Jan 1995 – Walking
One year old. Walking unlocked.
'Civilization, here I come. No more crawling like a peasant.'
I staggered across the living room like a drunk businessman after Friday happy hour.
Hailey clung to Claire's leg, still screaming for lifts. But Crawl successful.
Claire said I looked deliberate. Jay said I looked like I was planning. They were both right.
Target: Living Room TV.
Goal: Switch to business channel.
Result: Airlifted by grandfather before completion.
---
That night, however, I discovered the real curse of my new body.
The crib refused to let me sleep. Roommate's (Hailey) gowling sounds hurting ears like Kumbha Karan's whisper.
The bed creaked.
Claire giggled. Whispers.
Then moaning.
My eyes snapped open.
'No. NO. Why does this stupid body refuse to sleep when I need it most?!'
Phil's whisper: "Honey, not so loud, you'll wake the kids."
"I'm already awake. Stop it." But of course, they didn't hear
Claire laughed. "Phil, stop licking my navel!"
Phil chuckled. "But you love it."
Claire: "Phil…"
I clenched my baby fists.
I buried my face in the blanket, brain screaming.
'UNNECESSARY INFORMATION! WHY ARE MY AMERICAN PARENTS OBSESSED WITH NAVELS LIKE BOLLYWOOD DIRECTORS?!'
A disturbing trend from the past, hit my head. 'Don't you dare, brain. Don't search "Navel in Saree" on YouTube. Don't ruin your algorithm. Don't ruin your soul.'
Save Point [Jan 1995]
Movement: [Walk] unlocked
Achievements:
[Upright Mobility] – Walk like a human, fall like a clown.
[R18 Cutscene Survivor] – Accidentally overhear parental intimacy. Sanity –50. Cannot be unheard.
---
Jul 1995 – Vocabulary Expanding
At 18 months, Hailey's vocabulary: "Mine." "No." "Waaaah."
Mine: "Ball" "Business" "Jay."
One afternoon, Phil tripped over a laundry basket and crashed into the floor. I muttered, "Idiot."
Claire gasped. "Phil! He learned that from you!"
Phil laughed nervously. "Or… maybe he's just observant?"
Jay muttered: "Kid's not wrong."
Save Point [Jul 1995]
Speech: Sarcasm detected
Achievements:
[Sharp Tongue] – Call your dad an idiot at 18 months. Jay nods in approval.
---
Jan 1996 – Two Years
By two, Hailey was chaos incarnate—running, climbing, shrieking.
Me? I stacked blocks into neat patterns and muttered commentary like a toddler critic.
Phil crouched in front of me with flashcards. "What does the cow say?"
"Steak," I replied flatly.
'Don't kill me', I thought.
Phil gasped. "Harvard!"
Claire hurled a cushion at his head. "STOP encouraging him!"
That night, lying in my crib, my brain spiraled forward.
'If I have to keep hearing Phil lick navels, what's next? Claire at Hailey's wedding day, holding her hand, saying dramatically: "Ja Hailey, jee le apni jindagi." (DDLJ ref.)
And the groom? Dylan. That human hair product.
No. Hell no. Like hell I'd allow that.'
I gripped my toy block like a sword.
'Over my reincarnated dead body. Before he touch my sister.'
Save Point [Jan 1996]
Movement: Stable walk, short run
Speech: Full sentences, sarcasm mastery unlocked
Achievements:
[Meat Logic] – Identify cow's true destiny. Impress dad, horrify mom.
[Toddler Critic] – Judge the world like a tiny Gordon Ramsay. Parents concerned.
---
Interviews
Claire: "Neil's unusual. He doesn't just babble. He talks. He corrected my grocery list. At two years old he told me, 'Mom, we already have butter.' I thought maybe he was possessed."
Phil: "Neil is my little genius! My mini-me! Except… smarter. Like, way smarter. Honestly, I think he's already better at taxes than me. He watches morning business reports like he is judging them right and wrong.
Jay: "The boy's sharp. Too sharp. Hailey's got noise, Neil's got brains. If he doesn't run a company, he'll run a poker ring. Same difference. Definitely a Pritchett."
Mitchell: "Neil judges. Like a little gay man. Constantly. Except people actually like him."
Dede: "Neil is clever. But clever kids grow into smug teenagers. And smug teenagers grow into adults who don't call their mothers. Trust me—I know. looks sideways"
---
Final Character Panel – Jan 1996
Neil Dunphy – Lv. 2 Toddler
HP: Fragile but functional
STR: Noodle arms, but climbing potential
DEX: Stable wobble
INT: Suspiciously high
Skills:
[Cry] – Controlled use only when necessary
[Tactical Aversion] – Evade things you don't want (drama, intimacy trauma, broccoli)
[Walk] – Stable as a octagonal wheel, occasionally faceplants.
[Judgmental Stare] – Passive, Hereditary. (max level)
[Sharp Tongue] – Sarcasm unlocked.
[Toddler Critic] – Commentary beyond age, unnerving adults
Achievements:
[Spawn Point] – Born into Sitcom. Hardcore Mode.
[Tutorial Complete] – Survived newborn phase.
[Early Mover] – Crawled before twin.
[Insult Dad] – First word: Dumb.
[Upright Mobility] – Began
walking.
[R18 Cutscene Survivor] – (Locked 🔒)
Notes:
Claire: "Sometimes I forget he's two."
Phil: "Harvard, here we come!"
Jay: "Underground Poker ring material."
Mitchell: "He's me, but likable."
Dede: "He'll stop calling his mother one day."