Chapter 14: Report and Rebrand – Hela, Hubris, and Home Security.
[ASGARD ROYAL LIBRARY – AFTERNOON]
I was pacing a hole in the ancient library rug when the Bifrost flared. A heartbeat later, two figures stumbled into the hall, covered in soot, ash, and the remnants of a highly flammable silk sash.
"Success, Mother!" Thor roared, nearly dropping Mjolnir as he hugged me fiercely. "The negotiations were fierce, but we secured the fire sample! I believe the diplomatic mission required exactly five minor explosions."
Loki, looking profoundly irritated but smug, stepped forward. "I have the thermal sample, Mother. We successfully fooled the fire demons by appealing to their sense of… well, nothing. They simply couldn't comprehend us."
He presented a small, crystalline vial containing the captured, shimmering ember of the Eternal Flame.
"It smells faintly of candy apple," I noted, taking the vial.
"A subtle touch of sweet malice," Loki confirmed. "It enhances the illusion of frivolousness."
"It's perfect," I said, a wave of relief washing over me. "Ragnarok is officially stalled. Now, we secure the flame."
Odin stepped forward, taking the vial. "This must be sealed away immediately. Muspelheim will surely realize their loss soon."
"They will," I agreed. "Which is why we need to move fast on Phase Two: Hela's Rebrand."
Odin looked grave. "The Goddess of Death is not a dress-up doll, Frigga."
"No, she's a strategic asset," I countered, pulling out the notes from my prison visit. "And she's bored. She's fueled by hate and a predictable plot for revenge. I offered her the universe—an alliance against Thanos—and she took the bait. We need to plan her extraction and integration."
Thor frowned. "Integration? Mother, she wants to crush me and everyone I hold dear. Including your favorite new pink cape."
"Exactly. So we give her a new purpose first. Loki, your skills are needed."
Loki raised a brow, intrigued. "A deception so vast it turns the Goddess of Death into an ally? I am listening."
"We need a story," I explained. "When Hela returns, the populace must see her as a necessary evil, not an outright enemy. We need to create a political smokescreen—a distraction so massive that no one notices the new family member, until it's too late to protest."
"I know just the thing," Loki purred, a wicked smile spreading across his face. "A grand spectacle! A distraction so brilliant, it consumes all attention."
"Excellent. Start planning the biggest, loudest, most confusing event Asgard has ever seen. Call it... The Great Asgardian Home Security Upgrade."
The Alliance Meeting
A week later, the Dark Elves were summoned. The entire council, led by the bewildered Malekith (who was wearing a tasteful, dark silver sash designed by one of his own newly hired fashion consultants), stood opposite the Asgardian royal family.
"Your Queen is mad," Malekith muttered, looking at the elaborate holographic presentation Loki had prepared.
"She is effective," Odin corrected, sitting on his throne, which was mercifully free of glitter for the moment.
Loki pointed a shimmering pointer at a slide titled PHASE III: EXTREME HOME SECURITY (W/ FLAIR).
"Gentlemen, and newly stylish Dark Elves," Loki announced. "We have secured the Eternal Flame, temporarily delaying the complete destruction of the cosmos by fire. Now, we must prepare for the second half of Ragnarok—the return of my formidable, stylishly aggressive sister, Hela."
The Dark Elves gasped, their obsidian eyes wide.
"But fear not!" Loki continued. "Hela is not an enemy; she is a Cosmic Asset Acquisition. We need an extraction team to pierce the dimensional barrier and guide her back safely."
I stepped forward. "Your strength, Dark Elves, lies in your invisibility and your ability to breach realms through the darkest corners. We need you to guide Loki and me to Hela's prison dimension."
Malekith hesitated, looking at his surprisingly well-accessorized council. "Why would we risk our new alliance for a psychotic Goddess of Death?"
"Because," I replied, my voice firm. "Hela wants to kill Thanos.
Thanos wants the Infinity Stones. If you help us secure Hela, you secure a powerful ally against the Titan who seeks to destroy all life. Plus," I added, offering a small, diplomatic smile, "Loki is promising you a lifetime supply of iridescent ribbon for your military uniforms."
Malekith's second-in-command whispered urgently to him, pointing at his own newly acquired wrist wrap.
Malekith sighed. "We will assist. But if this Hela destroys my new silk drapes, there will be consequences."
"Perfect," I said, turning to Loki. "Prep the Bifrost. Time for the family reunion."
The Distraction
The next day, Loki launched the Great Asgardian Home Security Upgrade.
It was, of course, a lie.
Loki fabricated a terrifying threat: a mythical, invisible space-worm that could consume the realm's magic from the inside out. He sold it using a highly confusing presentation involving charts, complex (fake) calculus, and a dramatic reading of a (fake) Norn prophecy.
The entire Asgardian army, led by the highly confused Warriors Three, was immediately dispatched to guard the outer perimeter against the invisible space-worm, while the Dark Elves (now wearing their highly visible iridescent ribbons) prepared the transport runes for our mission.
As the sun set, I stood with Loki on the Bifrost. Behind us, the palace was in a state of glorious, loud alarm.
"Mother, look!" Loki pointed. "Thor is wrestling a cloud, convinced it's the space-worm!"
"He's dedicated," I murmured.
"Indeed. The perfect distraction." Loki handed me a small, enchanted amulet. "This will sync your magic with the Dark Elf transport runes. It will feel... cold. Do not panic, and whatever you do, do not sneeze glitter into the dimensional void."
I took a deep breath. "Muspelheim for drapes, a galactic deception for a reunion with the Goddess of Death, and I'm wearing a glitter failsafe. It's official. I'm living my best, most chaotic, divine life."
"Ready to acquire your asset, Queen?" Loki asked, the trickster's grin wide.
"Ready to start the biggest family feud in cosmic history," I confirmed.
I nodded to the lead Dark Elf, whose fingers were already weaving the dark, dimensional magic. The world twisted, and the black, chaotic void opened up for the Queen and the Trickster.
To Be Continued...