Chapter 7: Intern Evaluation Day: Divine Roast Edition
Ne Job woke up to a scroll hovering six inches above his forehead. It pulsed with divine energy and passive aggression.
> "Performance Review: Divine Metrics Attached."
He blinked. The scroll blinked back.
"Can I opt out?" he whispered.
The scroll unrolled itself with the enthusiasm of a tax audit. A voice boomed from nowhere and everywhere at once—smooth, sarcastic, and vaguely British.
> "Welcome, Intern #404. Let's review your divine contributions: accidental miracles, misfiled prayers, and one goat incident that triggered a minor flood in Sector 7."
Ne Job groaned. "That goat was sentient. It had an agenda."
The scroll ignored him and continued narrating his failures like a roast session at a celestial comedy club.
---
Tribunal Time
A portal opened midair. Ne Job was sucked into it like a sock in a washing machine. He landed in the Celestial Tribunal of Intern Oversight, a glowing amphitheater filled with gods, demigods, and one very judgmental pigeon.
Each intern stood at a podium. Ne Job's was sticky. Why was it sticky?
"Intern #404," called a voice. "Present your impact report."
Ne Job tapped his podium. A slideshow activated behind him. It was… chaotic.
- Slide 1: A blurry photo of him tripping over a prayer rug.
- Slide 2: A pie chart labeled "Miracles vs Mishaps"—the mishaps slice was 98%.
- Slide 3: A goat wearing sunglasses.
The tribunal murmured. One deity sipped ambrosia and whispered, "This is better than last season's intern trials."
---
Enter Seraphina
From the podium next to him, Seraphina of the Spreadsheet cleared her throat. Her report was immaculate: color-coded miracles, divine KPIs, and a 12-slide deck with animated transitions.
She glanced at Ne Job like he was a typo in her Excel sheet.
"Some of us prepare," she said sweetly.
Ne Job smiled. "Some of us improvise."
He hit a button. His slideshow glitched—then went viral.
The goat slide looped. Celestial TikTok activated. The tribunal gasped as the goat began dancing to a remix of Divine Intervention (Lo-Fi).
---
Audit Incoming
Just as Seraphina prepared her closing statement, the sky cracked open. A new portal formed—this one lined with bureaucratic dread.
> "Incoming Audit: Department of Divine Compliance."
A trio of auditors descended, each holding a clipboard and radiating judgment.
"Intern #404," one said. "Your chaos has triggered a compliance review."
Ne Job braced for termination.
But then—plot twist.
The lead auditor squinted at the goat slide. "This… disruption… has increased divine engagement metrics by 300%. Sector 7 is trending."
The tribunal gasped. Seraphina's spreadsheet flickered in disbelief.
"Intern #404," the auditor said. "You're granted a probationary extension. But one more goat incident and you're mortal."
---
The Note
Back in his celestial cubicle, Ne Job slumped into his cloud chair. The scroll hovered again, now showing a countdown timer: "Next Evaluation in 7 Days."
He sighed. "I need a miracle. Or a better goat."
Just then, a folded note appeared on his desk. No sender. No seal.
> "They're watching. The internship is a test. Not all gods play fair."
Ne Job stared at it. The scroll pulsed ominously.
He cracked his knuckles. "Time to rewrite the divine intern playbook."