Chapter 8: The Divine Saboteur and the Spreadsheet Coup
Ne Job had exactly seven days until his next evaluation. The countdown scroll hovered like a passive-aggressive roommate, pulsing every hour with a reminder: "Still mortal-adjacent."
He tried to meditate. The scroll played elevator music.
He tried to nap. The scroll whispered KPI metrics in his ear.
He tried to eat a celestial donut. The scroll judged his sugar intake.
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The Saboteur Appears
On Day 3, a new intern arrived—Zyx of the Shadow Ledger. Cloaked in mystery and caffeine fumes, Zyx claimed to be from the Department of Divine Reconciliation, but his badge was printed on recycled parchment and smelled like deception.
"Nice badge," Ne Job said. "Did you forge it during lunch?"
Zyx smirked. "I specialize in divine sabotage. I'm here to help you survive."
Ne Job blinked. "That's… comforting?"
Zyx handed him a scroll labeled "How to Fake Divine Efficiency: A Guide for the Spiritually Overwhelmed."
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Spreadsheet Coup
Meanwhile, Seraphina of the Spreadsheet had launched a hostile takeover of the intern leaderboard. Her metrics were flawless. Her miracles were optimized. Her aura smelled like lavender and superiority.
She began hosting "Efficiency Seminars" in the breakroom, complete with pie charts and passive-aggressive snacks labeled "For Those Who Actually Try."
Ne Job attended one. He left with a headache and a sticky note that read "Do better."
Zyx leaned in. "She's not just efficient. She's consolidating divine influence. If she hits 100% miracle saturation, she ascends."
Ne Job gasped. "She'll become a minor deity?"
Zyx nodded. "And you'll become a cautionary tale."
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Operation: Chaos Metrics
With Zyx's help, Ne Job launched Operation: Chaos Metrics.
Step 1: Rebrand mistakes as "creative miracles."
Step 2: Flood the divine dashboard with engagement spikes.
Step 3: Hack the scroll's algorithm to favor meme virality over actual competence.
They started small.
- A prayer misfiled to the wrong deity triggered a spontaneous rain of glitter.
- A miracle request for "healing" was rerouted to "emotional support goat."
- A divine memo was rewritten to include emojis and a goat GIF.
The scroll began glitching. Seraphina's pie charts flickered.
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The Tribunal Reacts
On Day 6, the tribunal summoned all interns for a surprise review.
Seraphina presented a flawless miracle matrix. The gods applauded.
Ne Job stepped up. His slideshow was titled "Divine Chaos: A Case Study in Engagement."
Slide 1: A goat wearing a tie.
Slide 2: A graph showing "Emotional Resonance" spiking after glitter rain.
Slide 3: A meme captioned "When your intern causes a flood but it trends."
The tribunal murmured. One deity whispered, "This is disturbingly effective."
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The Twist
Just as Ne Job prepared his closing statement, Seraphina interrupted.
"I demand an audit," she said. "His metrics are fraudulent. He's weaponizing chaos."
Zyx stepped forward. "And you're weaponizing perfection. The divine system needs balance."
The tribunal paused. The scroll pulsed. A new voice echoed:
> "Balance accepted. Intern #404 and Intern #001 will co-lead the Divine Engagement Taskforce."
Ne Job blinked. "Wait, what?"
Seraphina narrowed her eyes. "This isn't over."
Zyx vanished in a puff of sarcasm.
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Closing Hook
Back in his cubicle, Ne Job stared at a new scroll:
> "Congratulations: You've been promoted to Chaos Strategist (Intern Tier)."
Underneath, a note:
> "Next test begins in 3 days. Watch your allies. Trust no spreadsheets."
Ne Job cracked his knuckles. "Time to break the divine system… responsibly."