The location is set and everyone is ready for the scene to be shot. Then we entered the grocery store and the director said action. My character in the drama is doing shopping in the grocery store and then suddenly gets bumped into him, the male lead of the drama. He is also doing shopping there.
So the scene started. I am trying to pick up something high from the rack but couldn't because of course my low height. I tried 3 to 4 times but failed miserably. Then he came from nowhere and just took that packet from that high rack and handed it to me and went away from there. I am trying to say thanks but couldn't.
"Ok cut it, good shot, we'll shoot the next scenes tomorrow," the director said to everyone there. After this, Xu Yuan left the set and immediately went to his car with his assistant, and the car started and moved away.
I am still standing in the grocery store in the same position. Some questions are going in my mind but I don't know whom to ask.
"Mam please come here and change your costume, we are done for today, I'll guide you the path," the assistant boy said to me, the same boy who helped me in the morning. I took a little time but then gathered enough courage to ask him, "Excuse me, don't you mind if I ask you something?"
He smiles a little and says, "Of course mam, tell me what you wanna ask?"
I take a deep breath and say, "Actually I wanna know why we are shooting only one scene today. I mean the knowledge I have is that when someone starts shooting for a drama series, then they have to shoot the whole day, but we are shooting just one scene. I mean… it's a bit strange for me."
He smiles again and says, "Mam, I know what you are saying, I got you, and you are right also in your way. Shooting is always like that the whole day that you're saying, but in this project we have casted Xu Yuan and he is already shooting for his other dramas and his team took this project too, so he is quite busy with his prior commitments. So we are only able to shoot one scene a day. But don't worry, his previous shooting is almost done. After a few days we will start shooting like every drama series does, the whole day, like you said." He said this while smiling. "So within a few days he'll be done with his work and all his focus will come on this project, ok? Or do you want something more to ask me?"
I nodded my head no and just went toward the room.
I came out of the room after changing the costume, came out of the shoot location, and the bus arrived. I got into it and after 45 minutes I reached my dorm.
The moment I entered my room Wang Ruoxi was waiting for me and said excitedly, "Shiza did you get an autograph from Xu Yuan for me?"
I said no, breaking her whole bubble of happiness. She gets a little upset and asks, "Why? Why didn't you get the autograph for me from him?"
"Look Ruoxi, you know pretty well that he is not just a normal actor, he is the Xu Yuan, China's TV global star. He is brand ambassador of many things and products all over the world. A lot of fans daily come on his sets just to see a single glimpse of him. He is too busy shooting for his other dramas. We didn't get enough time, we only shoot one scene a day as he has many prior commitments. And then you are asking me why I didn't get his autograph for you. You know I am an ordinary girl in front of him, I really don't know whether he'll like to talk to me or not and—"
Ruoxi cut my words in the middle and said, "Ok I understand, whatever you are saying everything is right, but the part where you said he is China's TV global face and all those things about him… you are just seeming like a proud wife who is talking about her husband's achievements proudly."
I took the pillow and threw it at Wang Ruoxi's face dramatically and said, "Are you out of your mind? What rubbish are you saying? He already has his girl and I am not even interested in him."
She laughs madly while holding her stomach and says, "Look at your face. It's so cute when you become angry. But calm down my angry bird, it's just… I said what I felt. Take it as a joke, ok?"
"Then from next time be very careful about your jokes because if next time you try to crack this kind of rubbish joke, then I'll call Wen Qi and say that you are cheating him and talking to some other boy. Then you'll be responsible for the further consequences."
"You are too much Shiza. Ok I won't, just chill, stop being angry my angry bird," she said while pulling my cheeks. "But promise me one thing Shiza?"
My eyes go wide because I don't know what she is going to ask me. "What?"
"That you'll never say that you are an ordinary girl. I know you are not an actress but you are nothing less than any actress. In fact my Zhao Shiza is the prettiest among all. It is a pleasure for Xu Yuan, who gets a chance to work with my bestie."
"Oo stop it Ruoxi, stop making me feel like I am on the 8th cloud in the sky."
"You are in fact above that. I am not exaggerating or kidding. Just see yourself. Have you ever seen yourself? No, because I know you never focus on yourself. That's why you didn't realise how pretty you are."
"Stop it," I said while rolling my eyes 360 degrees.
"I don't know why you never take compliments," said Ruoxi. "Ok I won't say any other words. I am going, as today we have Interiors Materials class in the afternoon. I need to attend it for both of us, after all you are on leave not me. So you just take rest and enjoy."
I smiled and then she went to the class.
The room becomes empty and silent. I lie down on my bed, take my phone, and open Weibo. After opening it, I opened his account and started scrolling down, down, and down till the moment I reached the post he made a few months ago with his girlfriend. A video of them—he is sitting on the bed reading some book and the girl is sitting just beside him smiling and watching him with so much love for him. And he is also watching her with so much love in his eyes for her. They are just looking like a made-for-each-other pair. I think a good pair looks just like them—they are the example of that.
Then another video of him standing in front of the mirror in his white shirt and her standing with him, both of them looking at each other with so much love. She is the only girl who gets featured on his Weibo account. He never posted anything with other actresses, I know it. I opened his account deliberately just to make myself remember that he has a girlfriend. Look how happy he is with her. I am no one, no one. I want myself to face this harsh reality. Yes, it's true.
The moment I opened that video of them being together standing next to each other, I closed my phone and threw it on the bed. But it's essential for me—just like a bitter medicine which is essential for patients, because it doesn't matter how bitter its taste is, it's important for the patient's recovery. And it's my dose of medicine now.
No matter how pretty I look, it all goes to waste, because what's the use of this prettiness when he never finds me that pretty? For me being pretty is nothing, but being pretty in his eyes is everything—which I couldn't get. Never, never. Because in his eyes his girl is already pretty and I… I just… I didn't say anything because tears started coming out of my eyes uncontrollably, rolling down like sea water coming and going in waves.
I know for him prettiness never matters. The only thing that matters is loyalty and love, which he already found in his girl.
I need to give myself this reality check. It's a dose for me to come out of my la-la land, but it's hurting. It's so damn hurting. I can't bear this pain but I have to. I wipe my tears with both hands and say to myself, "You are strong enough Zhao Shiza. I know you'll fight it and win it and come out more strongly."
It's professional. Just finish these shoots of this drama. Then everything becomes normal just like before. He'll go on his way and I'll go on my way after that. But just one thing—I'll pray. I'll pray that in the next life I'll never fall for you, and if I do, then please in that life make him for me. I prayed.
And then the sunset arrives. It becomes mid-evening. Street lights get on everywhere in Shanghai University. I sit on the bed and just look out of the window with my dried eyes after they soaked all my tears.
Congratulations Zhao Shiza, you have successfully hurt yourself again. Congratulations…