Jack had survived being fired, dumped, evicted, almost eaten by a werewolf, kidnapped by a vampire, marked like a chew toy by a werewolf Alpha, and mocked by a vampire femme fatale named Love Dick.
At this point, death sounded like the responsible option.
But fate wasn't done kicking him in the nuts.
Because that night, while Lucian and Karen were still trying to murder each other in the world's most violent custody battle, the windows of the gothic mansion suddenly exploded inward.
A grappling hook smashed through the chandelier. Smoke grenades rolled across the carpet. Red laser sights lit up Jack's chest like he was starring in a low-budget action movie.
From the shattered window descended a man in black tactical gear, muscles bulging like he'd been raised on pure protein powder and toxic masculinity. His jawline could have cut glass. His sunglasses reflected the moonlight, despite the fact it was midnight indoors.
"Ladies. Bloodsucker. Furry. And… the loser."
He landed in a superhero pose that cracked the marble floor. Rising to full height, he flexed unnecessarily.
"Name's Chad Thunderbullet. Leader of the Hunter Guild. And you—" he jabbed a finger at Jack—"are coming with me."
Jack blinked. "Chad… Thunderbullet? Is that your real name, or did you lose a bet at a strip club?"
Chad's teeth glistened as he grinned. "It's real, punk. My dad was Colonel Thunderbullet, my mom was Sergeant Thunderbullet, and together they made me: the deadliest man alive."
Jack muttered, "Wow. Imagine being bullied by your own birth certificate."
Karen snarled, stepping in front of Jack. "Back off, muscle Barbie. He's mine."
Lucian scoffed. "Incorrect. He belongs to me."
Love Dick, sipping her wine in the corner, clapped slowly. "Oh, this is rich. A vampire lord, a werewolf Alpha, and now Mr. Testosterone Thunderbolt here. All fighting over a guy who looks like he couldn't bench-press a toaster."
Jack raised his hand weakly. "For the record, I once did bench-press a toaster. It was empty, though. Not plugged in."
Chad ignored him, pulling a silver-plated rifle from his back. "By order of the Hunter Guild, Jack Whatever-the-Hell-Your-Last-Name-Is, you are hereby classified as an Existential Threat. There's a bounty on your head big enough to buy Alaska."
Jack's jaw dropped. "Alaska? Do you know how many frozen pizzas that is?!"
Karen growled, her claws sliding out. "He's under my protection."
Lucian's eyes glowed crimson. "Mine."
Love Dick purred, "Honestly? He's more fun than all of you combined. I say we just keep him alive and watch the circus."
The tension exploded.
Karen lunged at Chad. Chad somersaulted out of the way, landing in another unnecessary superhero pose. Lucian blurred forward, claws aimed for Chad's throat.
Jack, meanwhile, did the only sensible thing: he crawled under a table and curled into a ball.
"Why," he muttered, "is my life turning into a furry version of The Bachelor?"
The fight was chaos. Karen hurled a sofa like it was a frisbee. Chad shot silver bullets that ricocheted off Lucian's armor. Lucian hissed and shattered a pillar with one punch. Love Dick leaned against the bar, cheering like it was her personal Netflix binge.
At one point, Chad actually paused mid-battle to oil his biceps. "You can't fight destiny, kid. You're coming with me."
Jack peeked out from under the table. "Dude, are you flexing at me while trying to kidnap me? What are you, an ab model for Armageddon Monthly?"
Chad winked. "You noticed."
Jack groaned and slammed his forehead against the table leg. "Please, God, just kill me now. Or at least mute me."
Then, out of sheer dumb luck—or fate, depending on who you asked—Jack's hand slipped on a spilled wineglass. He fell sideways, hit a wall switch with his elbow, and triggered a hidden mechanism.
The floor trembled. The walls groaned. A panel slid open, revealing a glowing chamber beneath the mansion. Ancient glyphs lit up like Vegas slot machines.
Everyone froze.
Lucian's eyes widened. "The Seal…"
Karen's jaw dropped. "The Prophecy…"
Chad pointed at Jack, his sunglasses slipping just enough to reveal shocked blue eyes. "The idiot did it…"
Love Dick sipped her wine, grinning. "Oh, darling. You really are destiny's favorite drunk raccoon."
Jack, sprawled on the floor, groaned. "I just wanted pizza."
And just like that, the loser became the epicenter of three supernatural factions on the brink of war.